I don't know why

Instead of posting intellectual content (like engyian), or other bloggers whose blogs are coated with a layer of dusts, where do I fit? Again, I am neither here nor there. Only, only emo posts. And the everyday stuff. Im getting sick of blogging, seriously. Also the ghost town tagboard. I realise Emo posts are very popular among the unintellectual (with exceptions), how often do you find Emoness in their (engyian,derek etc..) posts. But heck, I'll go on my Emo spree.

Last night, it was really uncomfortable for me. I couldn't sleep well. Once in a while, the vice of memories would grab me, unwilling to release, leaving me in a melancholic state the entire night (including my sleep, and presleep, and post sleep.) Not willing to let go, both the vice and both me....It's been one month. Yet am still in such a state? Is it prove that my feelings were that deep? Like a bottomless pit trap, will I ever get out?

Well. I did something forbidden. I send u an sms. But i told myself no matter what I will not reply after that. Till now I haven't, deleted your reply anyway.I cannot let go. I'm always worrying. What are you doing this time..., how you did for exams (though I should be worrying baout MY OWN results..Grrr), are you okay?. A sense of sadness overwhelms me each time I think, each time I indulge in memories.....

I realised a shocking truth.a truth that would lend me back into that dreadful square one. I was lying down on my mattress and I told myself to tell myself the truth. Search my soul, look for the truth. I asked, how was this month. Initially, I told myself, " much better ". And after searching deeper and deeper and asking myself more provoking questions. It was a couragerous attempt. Filtering my thoughts was a skill that I had learn, but after awhile I realise I had enough of this game of self-denial. The truth is, my feelings haven't faded one bit. I'm hopeless. Ain't the fact that I'm still concerned, I'm still sad, Im still really really wrecked, isn't that a prove of the above statement? Is it just emotional attachment?

So am I back at square one? I don't know why. My last post I talked about Escaping, but once in awhile, people get tired at escaping. I got tired of escaping, I faced the truth last night. But i hurt, so much.

There are many ' I don't know whys ' in me now. Are you that great of a girl? No, are you that great of a person? No, I know of people better. Are you worth my time? Now, no!. So many nos, which also brings about the "I don't know why". I don't know why, my feelings won't just go away. I don't know why, I want you back.

It's not a heart or brain decision here. To be rationale, that is suicidal, unthinkable. I asked myself, after a series of abstract, brave, provoking questions, I do want you back. But yet I do not want you back. How ironic, it's a battle within myself. But I do not have a choice here you see. It's more of "do I let go?" or "do I not".

Nothing here is ideal, far from Ideal. Just like the differences in Ideal gases and real gases, collisions in reality are Elastic. They are unapple to detach just like that. Am I a byproduct (or consequence) of an elastic relationship? (If i'm wrong please correct me, Im certainly fated to fail physics..)

This elasticity. This emotional attachment. Or is it somesort of supernatural stickiness that have developed over all that time.

To sum everything up, it's whether I continue deluding myself, or I continue facing the truth I can't change. Or do I strike a balance and accept reality.

If time heals, then now I know one cannot feel the effect of time as it heals. If one and doubts time, time will not heal, it will remain still. if not, the other posiblitity is that the healing of time may not be a linear of exponential increasing curve or line, it may a sinusoidal curves with ups and downs but increasing amplitude.

I wonder if healing is just like purging of poison. Is healing painful? Does pain and happiness coexist in the process of healing? Ignore this statement, Im probably cheemifying things which have no logic at all. If not, it is probably because I don't know how to phrase this. or express what I mean.

I don't want healing, I want "event rejection". Nah, (too much bleach). *kills myself*

It was definitely too early for our graphs to intersect. But I should not be narrowminded. Who knows if I could see the future, if I could slightly lenghten the window or increase the domain, there might be another intersection point waiting. But I should never let hope burden me, I should remain hopeful yet not too hopeful. I happen not to believe in "when there is a will, there's a way"....

The future lies gloomy. But time reveals, time heals. Time does wonders. God does wonders, things can change. The garden which I used to see as a big big one became so small when I revisted years later, perspective changes as we grow. As we change, the influence of matters will change. I believe in that.

For now, not studying hard enough for promos is one mistake. But I think, the biggest mistake in my life is to ever know you. And also, that intersection point that we forced, was a total blunder.

If you ever read this, I don't think you'll understand what I mean.