Nothing much happened today. Except that I am about to say how much I should be sleeping now. Because I woke up at 3pm this afternoon. Despite that, I am quite fatigued now.
I ran 2.4km twice today at separate occasions and it amazes me that I could get my lazy bum off the chair and go to the sports complex twice in one day and only in say 1 hour plus interval. My timing isn't very good, but my tens will be back very soon, and then following that will be the league of nines again.
I tell you, Lost is really getting stupid and a pain in the neck to watch. But I'll still watch anyway.
Okay! Aim to sleep by 2am!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
The bed beckons
I should be sleeping. Really. Tough it is to struggle out of that 1pm waking up routine. I find it hard to evade this horrible fate. I finally am starting to have my feet down on the ground and I plead guilty for having such a horrendous sleeping cycle. But yet, there is something so mystifying and emotionally satisfying about midnight. The tranquility manifests, and even doing the simplest things gains bonus gratification. So perplexing, so arcane. But yes, I like to stay up late. Doing nothing much. Watching, listening, reading. Reading biographies and reviews and stuff. Reading about Evgeny Kissin (Russian Child Prodigy) and Yundi Li (yea, who doesn't know him). I've discovered Schumman/Liszt's Widmung which I'm starting to like.
Today I ran. Got coerced to run 2.4Km with timings with my two other brothers. I was expecting myself to do horribly. (say thirteens for not really being fit or healthy at this point of time). The laps suddenly felt longer, and all at once I felt pineapple tarts, and prawn crackers creep along my vein and arteries while my heart struggles hard in pumping to sustain the amount of oxygen I require while running. (forgive me, I ain't a biology student, so what I'm saying is out of my pure vague lousy cow sense). I struggled to get a timing of 11:30min which is quite decent I would say for not being in any active sports. (piano doesn't count). I ain't fit now, but give me some time.
So Chinese new year is finally over and there was this contrasting silence around the house today which was the peace I longed for over the past two days. Right now I have two tubs of goodies sitting next to me. Thankfully, the caps are closed and the struggle of self control is perpetually difficult. Resist! It somehow seems that New year goodies are less popular over the years. I don't know why the supply of goodies downstairs remaining (even after the invasion of hungry strangers!) still seem to be in huge quantities. I am not exaggerating because there is certainly enough to go around until everyone dies of some heart disease. Pros and cons. and somehow should I be glad that I no longer have the fear of getting hungry at 3am midnight while being stuck with an empty kitchen. (and no, lizards don't count as food).
Didn't exactly count my earnings this season. But my brother did, so it saves me the trouble. I never opened most of my packets to check how much there is inside each and everyone of them. It's not worth the few joules of energy. (I used to do that, and it says a lot sometimes especially when you know who it was from).
Lost Season three is getting horrendous. Haphazard but stupid. Previously it was haphazard but in a mystifying way, which justifies all the crap mysterious that remains unsolved. There are so many freaking mysterious unsolved and unresolved which makes me wonder "are they making things up as they go". and if they do, they better have the genius to piece everything to a nice resolution. But does it actually matter because I am watching the show several years late. (0.o)
I should at least aim to complete all that is available before my time runs out.
I just received the 25 something death note on facebook.
Today I ran. Got coerced to run 2.4Km with timings with my two other brothers. I was expecting myself to do horribly. (say thirteens for not really being fit or healthy at this point of time). The laps suddenly felt longer, and all at once I felt pineapple tarts, and prawn crackers creep along my vein and arteries while my heart struggles hard in pumping to sustain the amount of oxygen I require while running. (forgive me, I ain't a biology student, so what I'm saying is out of my pure vague lousy cow sense). I struggled to get a timing of 11:30min which is quite decent I would say for not being in any active sports. (piano doesn't count). I ain't fit now, but give me some time.
So Chinese new year is finally over and there was this contrasting silence around the house today which was the peace I longed for over the past two days. Right now I have two tubs of goodies sitting next to me. Thankfully, the caps are closed and the struggle of self control is perpetually difficult. Resist! It somehow seems that New year goodies are less popular over the years. I don't know why the supply of goodies downstairs remaining (even after the invasion of hungry strangers!) still seem to be in huge quantities. I am not exaggerating because there is certainly enough to go around until everyone dies of some heart disease. Pros and cons. and somehow should I be glad that I no longer have the fear of getting hungry at 3am midnight while being stuck with an empty kitchen. (and no, lizards don't count as food).
Didn't exactly count my earnings this season. But my brother did, so it saves me the trouble. I never opened most of my packets to check how much there is inside each and everyone of them. It's not worth the few joules of energy. (I used to do that, and it says a lot sometimes especially when you know who it was from).
Lost Season three is getting horrendous. Haphazard but stupid. Previously it was haphazard but in a mystifying way, which justifies all the crap mysterious that remains unsolved. There are so many freaking mysterious unsolved and unresolved which makes me wonder "are they making things up as they go". and if they do, they better have the genius to piece everything to a nice resolution. But does it actually matter because I am watching the show several years late. (0.o)
I should at least aim to complete all that is available before my time runs out.
I just received the 25 something death note on facebook.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Strained
Playing tennis killed my right wrist yesterday. It doesn't hurt but I can't practice the piano. Maybe only the slower pieces and the revolutionary etude (left hand intensive, so it's okay). It sucks at such a day when I have so much time I actually get stuck not being able to practice what I want to. And yea, thought I prepare for future diploma by learning the Pathetique Sonata but my brother's teacher took back his book, so I'm left with nothing but a few sheets of Godowsky's sick etudes for the left hand (which IMO, is very very evil) on the computer. I'm really very tempted to play the Revolutionary etude for the left hand only....
4am thoughts
Sitting here staring into the immense ocean of blankets, I should really be somewhere far far away (namely, dreamland). 4Am in the morning, and I just can't fall asleep. Hunger keeps me motivated as I stick my hands into that jar of goodies in repeated fashion. Strangely, I don't even know the names of the things I put into my mouth these days. Suddenly it strikes me that I actually have a lot to blog about.
So we go around wishing people that they may have fishes every year, and all that explode in richness kind of chinese cool tag lines which are vainly associated with the festive season. I don't say them like the whole world do lest I turn into a big hypocrite, or it's variant. Happy new year replaces hello in many ways, and at least for me. it simply means hello. if I'd want to greet, or wish. I'd say something, in English. Amidst holidays, there ain't much incentive. Chinese new year just provides the opportunity for people to barge into the house, leaving me stranded in my own room. I do not really have the freedom to stroll along the corridor, or walk down to the kitchen to get some food (but I do anyway).
I am relentlessly sticking my fingers into this jar of fiery "prawn crackers" (the chinese new year version), and on the lid there is a layer which says "sealed for your protection". Well. I guess it says a lot.
Despite the lack of freedom even in my own house, I do also have to compromise in another thousand ways. Sound travels, everyone knows that. And my superficial neighbor hires a lion dance troupe in front of her house (and mine too, sadly) to create sound pollution. Worst still. Untimely. Chinese new year doesn't mean everyone is awake and poised to strike (for red packets), at 10am in the morning! Tradition usually takes one of two paths. It may become art, or it might become a nuisance, an outdated retarded scheme/plot/routine. And I suggest that all that we have been doing since yesterday sadly belonged to the latter.
People are 'fine'. Uncles and aunts whom I see once every year. Relatives whom I struggle to match face to name (or title, talk about 3.142th thousand aunt or whatever, I'd say remember random handphone numbers are more important than these insignificant people). The little kids can be troublesome. They barge into my room sometimes, (have to keep the door shut). Sadly, I don't have many cousins whom are of the same age group as I am. Either too old, or young.
Well you see everyone happy, and full of glee. Seemingly yes. But I don't see how adults going around giving their money away will be happy. Children who get to use money from their red packet harvest have that special sparkle in their eyes and that is pretty evident. The rest appear happy, but the real honest ones are nonchalant. I can spend the money I receive but given a choice I wouldn't bother actually going down to take any. The major ones comes from my parents anyway, and I know where the other major ones are and I just get them. The rest are just chore and routine. There really isn't any love and meaning in those red packets. Just a bloody red (opps!) container of "obligation". There isn't really a way not to give out red packets except to lose all your face and all your respect from what you consider your extended family. Everyone seems happy but when I think about it. It's either A) holidays are good B) Bah kwa is nice. And if A and B ain't true, that you know that all that is nothing but a facade.
I visited my grandparents today (mother's side). Visiting grandparents are absolutely fine without the inverted commas because they deserve that respect being the parents of your parents. But other extended extended relatives that appear out of nowhere, I ain't very interested in that four dollars worth of obligation really. It's where I can't be honest when I want to be.
Having gone through this routine for seemingly a thousand years and counting, really. there is nothing really special about chinese new year. the superficialness usually makes me shudder in disgust. People gamble, (I hear the ramblings of the mahjong table from my neighbor's house!), people gossip, people pretend, people compare, indulge in gluttony (yes, pineapple tarts are irresistible) and everyone puts on at least 2-3 kilograms. Name me a Chinese new year goodie that is actually healthy. There is only the very unhealthy and the unhealthy. nothing comes close to being not so unhealthy. But look here, I am not one to preach about health because I just finished half a jar of goodies, and I stink of guilt.
(I just deleted a paragraph which might be very offending to some people...)
Oh yes. I cannot seem to even find a proper time to go downstairs and practice the piano. It really sucks because thoughts like "am I disturbing the people watching the television". and then seconds later, "wait maybe they're sleeping already". Along these lines. Chattering could be heard from inside the piano room and it is indeed very annoying. I practiced for an hour or so when there were pretty much about the average number of guests in the house for that day. I am grateful for the door. Either I get that compliment, (which doesn't really mean much anyway), or I get that "go die you showoff" stinky look. It's in the air, really. And I won't be surprised with the usual "chinese" mentality it would be easy for these people to assume I'm playing for everyone to hear. When I really am not so attention seeking. Can't I just find some time to practice? And it's my own house hello? ( I tried to wake up as early as I can, but it turned out 1pm again, sadly).
Really. Amidst school, these few days would be a good break and all that would make the whole festive season valuable. But now it's all meaningless. It's corrupt, wrong, shallow, immature and superficial. I happen to just think more into red packets rather than envelopes of free money. I did not bother checking the colour of that note sealed behind those red pieces of paper. I haven't counted my money neither do I intend to bother about them. Food is good and the only reason why I am saying this is that because is rhymes.
For entertainment sake, how about let's revamp Chinese New year. Like instead of 2 days holidays we get like one week(okay, lets be fair here-sufficient rest!). And instead of red packets, put in chocolates and sweets and see how much visiting drops. the enthusiasm in receiving them or even bothering to harvest them plummets. Swap bah kwa for lettuce without that fancy dressing, see how many people eat at the goodie table. Make it seem totally mandatory and see how many people not arrive at your doorstep.
We Chinese, just have to start the new year by indulging in all that we are infamous for.
Whew. Long 'rant'. Nothing "personal" against it all, I've gotta admit I ain't enjoying myself. Pretty much escaped from all that pandemonium by playing a lot of sports on Sunday and Monday. Sunday had this long marathon of sports on an empty stomach. Frisbee( the tormenting bore) to squash (the intensive workout) to tennis (the enlightening).
No matter how much people console me, telling me it will get better with time, experience etc. I can never imagine myself disrupting a Frisbee in it's path to the enemy's end zone, neither can I imagine playing a game of proper Frisbee without having people give me that sympathy "help". Don't worry, it ain't your fault guys. Because it is all about me just not being able to play team sports. Bad is an understatement, maladroit explains it vaguely. I just suck so plainly at team games. People who insanely competitive and out for personal glory are worst. These people are around and the moment they are in my team I can already say good bye to my chance at grabbing the Frisbee. I don't like calling for the Frisbee and neither do I know what the heck is open space. How many times have I actually attempted to get into that legendary open space just to have the Frisbee thrown to some other guy. The benefit of the doubt is very strong here because I do know that once the Frisbee falls into your hands you totally find it hard to see the people around. (whether open or not). Since young, I have never fancied basketball or soccer because these games stink of "teamwork". (superficially, yea). But again, I don't blame anyone for being so untalented at such games. To each his or her own. I'll just do things I am good at. I'll just have to remind myself not to have too much hope in that " you'll get better " thing. Because I already know I won't get very far and personally things which I ain't talented at ain't gonna get much of my attention.
I was all sulky. But squash and tennis made me feel a lot better. Me, Ye, S.Dom, And Tim and my family ended up playing 4-5 hours of continuous alternating squash/tennis. Junreen (short for Junwei/doreen) was there Squash is vexing. And I finally got back a lot things in tennis which I lost in that fateful incident. I got my overhead serve back which I am so grateful for. It's really fun for once. Want that point? Go for it. No need to care if your friend wants you to score for the team or not. Make a mistake? No one is going to blame you for it, (except yourself, and your imaginary friend maybe). Being totally in control for once feels good. At least, anything except technically wise because we are still tennis nubcakes with strawberry and some peaches.
Back to the real world. There hardly is anyone online. I took my time to type this ultra long post. 5am it says on the clock. And I better make my way to where I am supposed to be.
So we go around wishing people that they may have fishes every year, and all that explode in richness kind of chinese cool tag lines which are vainly associated with the festive season. I don't say them like the whole world do lest I turn into a big hypocrite, or it's variant. Happy new year replaces hello in many ways, and at least for me. it simply means hello. if I'd want to greet, or wish. I'd say something, in English. Amidst holidays, there ain't much incentive. Chinese new year just provides the opportunity for people to barge into the house, leaving me stranded in my own room. I do not really have the freedom to stroll along the corridor, or walk down to the kitchen to get some food (but I do anyway).
I am relentlessly sticking my fingers into this jar of fiery "prawn crackers" (the chinese new year version), and on the lid there is a layer which says "sealed for your protection". Well. I guess it says a lot.
Despite the lack of freedom even in my own house, I do also have to compromise in another thousand ways. Sound travels, everyone knows that. And my superficial neighbor hires a lion dance troupe in front of her house (and mine too, sadly) to create sound pollution. Worst still. Untimely. Chinese new year doesn't mean everyone is awake and poised to strike (for red packets), at 10am in the morning! Tradition usually takes one of two paths. It may become art, or it might become a nuisance, an outdated retarded scheme/plot/routine. And I suggest that all that we have been doing since yesterday sadly belonged to the latter.
People are 'fine'. Uncles and aunts whom I see once every year. Relatives whom I struggle to match face to name (or title, talk about 3.142th thousand aunt or whatever, I'd say remember random handphone numbers are more important than these insignificant people). The little kids can be troublesome. They barge into my room sometimes, (have to keep the door shut). Sadly, I don't have many cousins whom are of the same age group as I am. Either too old, or young.
Well you see everyone happy, and full of glee. Seemingly yes. But I don't see how adults going around giving their money away will be happy. Children who get to use money from their red packet harvest have that special sparkle in their eyes and that is pretty evident. The rest appear happy, but the real honest ones are nonchalant. I can spend the money I receive but given a choice I wouldn't bother actually going down to take any. The major ones comes from my parents anyway, and I know where the other major ones are and I just get them. The rest are just chore and routine. There really isn't any love and meaning in those red packets. Just a bloody red (opps!) container of "obligation". There isn't really a way not to give out red packets except to lose all your face and all your respect from what you consider your extended family. Everyone seems happy but when I think about it. It's either A) holidays are good B) Bah kwa is nice. And if A and B ain't true, that you know that all that is nothing but a facade.
I visited my grandparents today (mother's side). Visiting grandparents are absolutely fine without the inverted commas because they deserve that respect being the parents of your parents. But other extended extended relatives that appear out of nowhere, I ain't very interested in that four dollars worth of obligation really. It's where I can't be honest when I want to be.
Having gone through this routine for seemingly a thousand years and counting, really. there is nothing really special about chinese new year. the superficialness usually makes me shudder in disgust. People gamble, (I hear the ramblings of the mahjong table from my neighbor's house!), people gossip, people pretend, people compare, indulge in gluttony (yes, pineapple tarts are irresistible) and everyone puts on at least 2-3 kilograms. Name me a Chinese new year goodie that is actually healthy. There is only the very unhealthy and the unhealthy. nothing comes close to being not so unhealthy. But look here, I am not one to preach about health because I just finished half a jar of goodies, and I stink of guilt.
(I just deleted a paragraph which might be very offending to some people...)
Oh yes. I cannot seem to even find a proper time to go downstairs and practice the piano. It really sucks because thoughts like "am I disturbing the people watching the television". and then seconds later, "wait maybe they're sleeping already". Along these lines. Chattering could be heard from inside the piano room and it is indeed very annoying. I practiced for an hour or so when there were pretty much about the average number of guests in the house for that day. I am grateful for the door. Either I get that compliment, (which doesn't really mean much anyway), or I get that "go die you showoff" stinky look. It's in the air, really. And I won't be surprised with the usual "chinese" mentality it would be easy for these people to assume I'm playing for everyone to hear. When I really am not so attention seeking. Can't I just find some time to practice? And it's my own house hello? ( I tried to wake up as early as I can, but it turned out 1pm again, sadly).
Really. Amidst school, these few days would be a good break and all that would make the whole festive season valuable. But now it's all meaningless. It's corrupt, wrong, shallow, immature and superficial. I happen to just think more into red packets rather than envelopes of free money. I did not bother checking the colour of that note sealed behind those red pieces of paper. I haven't counted my money neither do I intend to bother about them. Food is good and the only reason why I am saying this is that because is rhymes.
For entertainment sake, how about let's revamp Chinese New year. Like instead of 2 days holidays we get like one week(okay, lets be fair here-sufficient rest!). And instead of red packets, put in chocolates and sweets and see how much visiting drops. the enthusiasm in receiving them or even bothering to harvest them plummets. Swap bah kwa for lettuce without that fancy dressing, see how many people eat at the goodie table. Make it seem totally mandatory and see how many people not arrive at your doorstep.
We Chinese, just have to start the new year by indulging in all that we are infamous for.
Whew. Long 'rant'. Nothing "personal" against it all, I've gotta admit I ain't enjoying myself. Pretty much escaped from all that pandemonium by playing a lot of sports on Sunday and Monday. Sunday had this long marathon of sports on an empty stomach. Frisbee( the tormenting bore) to squash (the intensive workout) to tennis (the enlightening).
No matter how much people console me, telling me it will get better with time, experience etc. I can never imagine myself disrupting a Frisbee in it's path to the enemy's end zone, neither can I imagine playing a game of proper Frisbee without having people give me that sympathy "help". Don't worry, it ain't your fault guys. Because it is all about me just not being able to play team sports. Bad is an understatement, maladroit explains it vaguely. I just suck so plainly at team games. People who insanely competitive and out for personal glory are worst. These people are around and the moment they are in my team I can already say good bye to my chance at grabbing the Frisbee. I don't like calling for the Frisbee and neither do I know what the heck is open space. How many times have I actually attempted to get into that legendary open space just to have the Frisbee thrown to some other guy. The benefit of the doubt is very strong here because I do know that once the Frisbee falls into your hands you totally find it hard to see the people around. (whether open or not). Since young, I have never fancied basketball or soccer because these games stink of "teamwork". (superficially, yea). But again, I don't blame anyone for being so untalented at such games. To each his or her own. I'll just do things I am good at. I'll just have to remind myself not to have too much hope in that " you'll get better " thing. Because I already know I won't get very far and personally things which I ain't talented at ain't gonna get much of my attention.
I was all sulky. But squash and tennis made me feel a lot better. Me, Ye, S.Dom, And Tim and my family ended up playing 4-5 hours of continuous alternating squash/tennis. Junreen (short for Junwei/doreen) was there Squash is vexing. And I finally got back a lot things in tennis which I lost in that fateful incident. I got my overhead serve back which I am so grateful for. It's really fun for once. Want that point? Go for it. No need to care if your friend wants you to score for the team or not. Make a mistake? No one is going to blame you for it, (except yourself, and your imaginary friend maybe). Being totally in control for once feels good. At least, anything except technically wise because we are still tennis nubcakes with strawberry and some peaches.
Back to the real world. There hardly is anyone online. I took my time to type this ultra long post. 5am it says on the clock. And I better make my way to where I am supposed to be.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Prawns
1326 hrs!! just woke up again.
Prawning was moderately fun. But it just appalls me to think that I can suck at things that do not exactly involve skill. So after YF yesterday, Me, Jun Wei, Doreen, My Brother Tay Ye and Ronald set off for some place for prawning. Being driven in a car, I am still clueless to where we ended up to. But it was near some golf course. (driving range). Somewhat, the scene I pictured in my head was opposite from what was presented in reality. A small pond (contrasted with the huge oceans we had for catching crabs), with borders (of course, to prevent it from literally turning into a swimming pool). It was really a trapezium shaped pond (rather weird, but yes, I've observed), and people around it's perimeter armed with rods. Now, the ambiance was so off. I was expecting the same ambiance that we had for catching crabs. The dude playing flute amidst the surging waves, and so on. The air was well "well circulated" in the semi-indoors structure. A roof over our heads and open sides, but well, the ambiance was mainly destroyed by the CHRISTMAS music they were playing at the background. We wish you a merry Christmas they said, how timely.
So we got our rods. 30 bucks for 3 hours. Really it's a daylight robbery (apart from the fact that it was probably moonlight robbery then). It's more for the experience rather than for the prawns. So we finally got started. Hooked the chicken liver bait after some mini tutorial by Jun Wei. Disgusting it was and there was this sensation akin to that when I stick my fingers up my nose on a wet day. Hooking it is another chore because it requires superhuman dexterity that somehow, (ironically), my fingers do not have. So we tossed the rods in, stare into the seemingly black water and waited.
Three minutes was all it took for me to hook my first catch. Which gave me false hopes and a false idea that prawn catching is so simple. And then, for the next one hour, I didn't hook anything up. My Brother and Doreen were having sprees. And it was so annoying because I had my bait positioned so close to them that it hurts so much to know that even prawns like to dao my bait. (which is so saddening). So I got nothing while Doreen and my brother reeled prawns up like no one's business. While I was sulking, I saw them caught to their seventh prawn. Ronald was as sad as me, he was sulking in a corner because he took an hour to catch his first prawn. But towards the end his catch was increasing. Ronald needs warm up for everything I guess.
So in the middle of all that 3 hour mad "starting into the black water with false hopes" frenzy, finally my rod which I had no hope in felt a little taut for once. And then I saw my brother reel in a super big catch. A king prawn, if there is such terminology. It was about 200 percent the size of an ordinary prawn and it had really big pincers which were, indeed, intimidating. And then I was about to sigh in disappointment because at that point it really proves that life is unfair, not till I finally saw my rod was also connected to that king prawn. A split second of pandemonium struck and then everyone realized that me and bro caught the prawn together. What a cool catch.
So the day sorta concluded with my 5 prawns, (including the king prawn which me and my brother shared) with people getting double amount of prawns that I had. Which is really saddening because it proves I have no affinity/talent for things that do not even require talent. Expensive it is, but, a good experience it served to me. It was already 0200 hrs in the morning so we drove back. Prawns are living in ice age in my freezer now.
So Friday, the long awaited Friday is now over. And now we feel obliged to embrace the Chinese New Year. And I feel so overjoyed that I can go for the Synod Camp because it's in Feb!. Yay!
Prawning was moderately fun. But it just appalls me to think that I can suck at things that do not exactly involve skill. So after YF yesterday, Me, Jun Wei, Doreen, My Brother Tay Ye and Ronald set off for some place for prawning. Being driven in a car, I am still clueless to where we ended up to. But it was near some golf course. (driving range). Somewhat, the scene I pictured in my head was opposite from what was presented in reality. A small pond (contrasted with the huge oceans we had for catching crabs), with borders (of course, to prevent it from literally turning into a swimming pool). It was really a trapezium shaped pond (rather weird, but yes, I've observed), and people around it's perimeter armed with rods. Now, the ambiance was so off. I was expecting the same ambiance that we had for catching crabs. The dude playing flute amidst the surging waves, and so on. The air was well "well circulated" in the semi-indoors structure. A roof over our heads and open sides, but well, the ambiance was mainly destroyed by the CHRISTMAS music they were playing at the background. We wish you a merry Christmas they said, how timely.
So we got our rods. 30 bucks for 3 hours. Really it's a daylight robbery (apart from the fact that it was probably moonlight robbery then). It's more for the experience rather than for the prawns. So we finally got started. Hooked the chicken liver bait after some mini tutorial by Jun Wei. Disgusting it was and there was this sensation akin to that when I stick my fingers up my nose on a wet day. Hooking it is another chore because it requires superhuman dexterity that somehow, (ironically), my fingers do not have. So we tossed the rods in, stare into the seemingly black water and waited.
Three minutes was all it took for me to hook my first catch. Which gave me false hopes and a false idea that prawn catching is so simple. And then, for the next one hour, I didn't hook anything up. My Brother and Doreen were having sprees. And it was so annoying because I had my bait positioned so close to them that it hurts so much to know that even prawns like to dao my bait. (which is so saddening). So I got nothing while Doreen and my brother reeled prawns up like no one's business. While I was sulking, I saw them caught to their seventh prawn. Ronald was as sad as me, he was sulking in a corner because he took an hour to catch his first prawn. But towards the end his catch was increasing. Ronald needs warm up for everything I guess.
So in the middle of all that 3 hour mad "starting into the black water with false hopes" frenzy, finally my rod which I had no hope in felt a little taut for once. And then I saw my brother reel in a super big catch. A king prawn, if there is such terminology. It was about 200 percent the size of an ordinary prawn and it had really big pincers which were, indeed, intimidating. And then I was about to sigh in disappointment because at that point it really proves that life is unfair, not till I finally saw my rod was also connected to that king prawn. A split second of pandemonium struck and then everyone realized that me and bro caught the prawn together. What a cool catch.
So the day sorta concluded with my 5 prawns, (including the king prawn which me and my brother shared) with people getting double amount of prawns that I had. Which is really saddening because it proves I have no affinity/talent for things that do not even require talent. Expensive it is, but, a good experience it served to me. It was already 0200 hrs in the morning so we drove back. Prawns are living in ice age in my freezer now.
So Friday, the long awaited Friday is now over. And now we feel obliged to embrace the Chinese New Year. And I feel so overjoyed that I can go for the Synod Camp because it's in Feb!. Yay!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Misc
Open blogger and stare into blank space. That is like what happens like a good nine times out of ten these days. I blog into open space from thin air. Pure alchemy.
I've been waking up at noon. 1340 hrs today, (from the very vague memory of the very blur vague innocent looking numbers on that computer screen which I read with my knees on the ground and my head elevated just high enough to read those numbers). I don't wake up in shock anymore (or with a sense of "achievement"). Usually, I would brace myself before checking the time. But it's okay, it's the expected for sleeping at unearthly hours such as 0400hrs in the morning. Culprit? Lost. Season 2 to be exact. I'm like finishing Season 2. I heard season 3,4 gets really cheesy/crappy. We'll it's another excitement, in a different manner. Well.
Tomorrow is Friday again. YF. Yes, and I believe. Everyone is like having their long weekend with Chinese New Year around the corner. And the celebration is tomorrow I believe. I don't track holidays anymore because everyday IS a holiday. Well. I'd say I should start worrying because my stash of goodies isn't here. And I crave some of them. The only tradition they should preserve is the red packets, AND the goodies. The rest can just be buried by modernization.
Random Tv showed some badminton this noon as I was having my lunch. A wave of nostalgia caught me. And I started watching so closely that I had the spoon at equidistant point between mouth and food. Priceless really. Not that I needed that inspiration. Inspiration it wasn't, but mockery. Had this feeling I would never keep to one passion for long. Then it makes me dread the future and panic. Change, isn't really always good.
Well the night is young. And 2300 hrs is my midnight stroll time.
I've been waking up at noon. 1340 hrs today, (from the very vague memory of the very blur vague innocent looking numbers on that computer screen which I read with my knees on the ground and my head elevated just high enough to read those numbers). I don't wake up in shock anymore (or with a sense of "achievement"). Usually, I would brace myself before checking the time. But it's okay, it's the expected for sleeping at unearthly hours such as 0400hrs in the morning. Culprit? Lost. Season 2 to be exact. I'm like finishing Season 2. I heard season 3,4 gets really cheesy/crappy. We'll it's another excitement, in a different manner. Well.
Tomorrow is Friday again. YF. Yes, and I believe. Everyone is like having their long weekend with Chinese New Year around the corner. And the celebration is tomorrow I believe. I don't track holidays anymore because everyday IS a holiday. Well. I'd say I should start worrying because my stash of goodies isn't here. And I crave some of them. The only tradition they should preserve is the red packets, AND the goodies. The rest can just be buried by modernization.
Random Tv showed some badminton this noon as I was having my lunch. A wave of nostalgia caught me. And I started watching so closely that I had the spoon at equidistant point between mouth and food. Priceless really. Not that I needed that inspiration. Inspiration it wasn't, but mockery. Had this feeling I would never keep to one passion for long. Then it makes me dread the future and panic. Change, isn't really always good.
Well the night is young. And 2300 hrs is my midnight stroll time.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Don't shoot me
I wanted to make a better skin. trust me, but something in me was prompting me to create such a clown skin. weird colors that spell dissonance (okay, perhaps wrong word). I just wanted a change. And disasters can happen when people just happen to want to somewhat induce change. Constancy does has it's pro and cons huh. But still I am pretty convinced that my Benzene Ring skin was rather like one of the more creative skins I ever used.
Anyway. It's very late (03000 hrs in the morning) but I am wide awake and red alert because I woke up at 1300 hrs this morning. *claps*, very wonderful. I may just do so tomorrow again. So I guess I finally updated the links. Note that I removed like a huge chunk of links and replaced with some new names. Sad to say I see no point in keeping links of people whom I will never see in my life again. Most of them are stagnant blogs anyway. People come and go, a happy reality.
Took a trip down blogskins.com and realized there are countless skilled "html artistes" out there. In fact, all of these are amateur. I was self-taught, like most people, but I never ever got out of my comfort zone. Using the same format, and nowadays even lazy to troubleshoot the simplest of problems, I ain't very good to begin with and I am now rusty. I know the basics of coding, and to think I read up on programming in C during my lower secondary days. I ain't very competent and I probably don't know anything now. (not that I went far). I feel quite ashamed of myself. But still, there is this palpable nauseating feeling crawling up my spine whenever I think of using a skin created by someone else.
A free and easy life now. Well, condemned by what I refer to the "mature wannabes". People who are highly convinced that one should find work amidst these halcyon days. What is indeed so great about working for that measly sum of money I have no use for. For experience? Slacking at home is a perfect experience as well. In fact, I can even learn more at home. What job would I get? Perhaps relief teaching, perhaps work in some office job doing all the misc stuff people can't be bothered doing. Why does it seem trendy, fashionable to go find a job at this point of time. I have nothing against girls finding job after A'levels because they have a long wait, and a indeed a long one till they get into the university. But for guys we only have a couple of weeks in our hands at most, there is certainly a lot of superficialness in that "hey go get a job". What is wrong with slacking anyway. Why is it that everyone gives me that frown when I tell them I'm just slacking at home. In fact, I ain't slacking. I am practicing the piano at least two hours on a bad day, so cut me some slack. it's something most people don't even do in their childhood "torture". There isn't experience in working (maybe there is a little), there isn't really any fun. it's just about satisfying that image, how society and people makes one feel compelled to join the work force just so they want to avoid slacking. Either that, or they themselves detest slacking. It's not about cuddling in bed 24/7 here, but it's about doing things you enjoy, just at home. It may be productive, it may be not. But personally I find playing online games, (word challenge in facebook anyone), more intellectually satisfying that getting hands on and moving prematurely into the work force. So many have fallen into this trap, and I feel sorry for everyone else who has gotten into that hype. Losers say if you don't join the loser club you will be a loser. How sad. Another noble tragedy.
What a rant. My brother spent his whole night (3 hours) playing GeoChallenge. I suck absolutely at it. I don't even think I stand a remote chance of being good at it. It's all putting in the effort to absorb everything into your memory, then you try to nail every single point you see and viola, you get your high score. Lifeless, but yes, like I said. It's beneficial. At least probably better than doing misc chores in an office.
Chinese New Year is around the corner. Besides the goodies, everything else is detestable. Superficial greetings, shallow people, all swarm into my house. Engage in whatever chit chatting or "catching up". Do you even consider people you catch up with once a year, friends. Let alone relatives. Relatives are people, whom, if they were not somewhat related to you in a cheesy way, you wouldn't be even bothered to know them. Maybe I will never understand until I become a grandfather myself. But certainly I don't like leaving my house when it is filled with strangers, ignorant, stupid kids who are tyrants in all manners. Now that I don't really benefit from the school holidays, there is just one less incentive and maybe I should just store all the food in my room and hide there all day long.
Anyway. It's very late (03000 hrs in the morning) but I am wide awake and red alert because I woke up at 1300 hrs this morning. *claps*, very wonderful. I may just do so tomorrow again. So I guess I finally updated the links. Note that I removed like a huge chunk of links and replaced with some new names. Sad to say I see no point in keeping links of people whom I will never see in my life again. Most of them are stagnant blogs anyway. People come and go, a happy reality.
Took a trip down blogskins.com and realized there are countless skilled "html artistes" out there. In fact, all of these are amateur. I was self-taught, like most people, but I never ever got out of my comfort zone. Using the same format, and nowadays even lazy to troubleshoot the simplest of problems, I ain't very good to begin with and I am now rusty. I know the basics of coding, and to think I read up on programming in C during my lower secondary days. I ain't very competent and I probably don't know anything now. (not that I went far). I feel quite ashamed of myself. But still, there is this palpable nauseating feeling crawling up my spine whenever I think of using a skin created by someone else.
A free and easy life now. Well, condemned by what I refer to the "mature wannabes". People who are highly convinced that one should find work amidst these halcyon days. What is indeed so great about working for that measly sum of money I have no use for. For experience? Slacking at home is a perfect experience as well. In fact, I can even learn more at home. What job would I get? Perhaps relief teaching, perhaps work in some office job doing all the misc stuff people can't be bothered doing. Why does it seem trendy, fashionable to go find a job at this point of time. I have nothing against girls finding job after A'levels because they have a long wait, and a indeed a long one till they get into the university. But for guys we only have a couple of weeks in our hands at most, there is certainly a lot of superficialness in that "hey go get a job". What is wrong with slacking anyway. Why is it that everyone gives me that frown when I tell them I'm just slacking at home. In fact, I ain't slacking. I am practicing the piano at least two hours on a bad day, so cut me some slack. it's something most people don't even do in their childhood "torture". There isn't experience in working (maybe there is a little), there isn't really any fun. it's just about satisfying that image, how society and people makes one feel compelled to join the work force just so they want to avoid slacking. Either that, or they themselves detest slacking. It's not about cuddling in bed 24/7 here, but it's about doing things you enjoy, just at home. It may be productive, it may be not. But personally I find playing online games, (word challenge in facebook anyone), more intellectually satisfying that getting hands on and moving prematurely into the work force. So many have fallen into this trap, and I feel sorry for everyone else who has gotten into that hype. Losers say if you don't join the loser club you will be a loser. How sad. Another noble tragedy.
What a rant. My brother spent his whole night (3 hours) playing GeoChallenge. I suck absolutely at it. I don't even think I stand a remote chance of being good at it. It's all putting in the effort to absorb everything into your memory, then you try to nail every single point you see and viola, you get your high score. Lifeless, but yes, like I said. It's beneficial. At least probably better than doing misc chores in an office.
Chinese New Year is around the corner. Besides the goodies, everything else is detestable. Superficial greetings, shallow people, all swarm into my house. Engage in whatever chit chatting or "catching up". Do you even consider people you catch up with once a year, friends. Let alone relatives. Relatives are people, whom, if they were not somewhat related to you in a cheesy way, you wouldn't be even bothered to know them. Maybe I will never understand until I become a grandfather myself. But certainly I don't like leaving my house when it is filled with strangers, ignorant, stupid kids who are tyrants in all manners. Now that I don't really benefit from the school holidays, there is just one less incentive and maybe I should just store all the food in my room and hide there all day long.
Monday, January 19, 2009
There ain't a bridge.
Today I woke up with a little ambition. I crawled the way to the top of a lofty hill. then I flapped my wings and then I tried to fly but I crashed straight for the grounds.
There's a difference between what I want and what I can huh.
There's a difference between what I want and what I can huh.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Too late
I can't believe it's so late now! I had a long chat with my dad and it was really 'meaningful'. meaningful seems to be his favourite word now. but when everything is meaningful, meaningful loses it's meaning!
Ah well. I just have to take that step forward or back. it's either one of them. i don't like remaining where I am. Sometimes it strikes me so hard that I don't really have to talk about anything to find direction because there is only one choice to make. what I have to do is already known to me ages ago but have been kept cached, embedded and sealed in a hatch ever since day one. there is unwillingness to follow what I know to be for the greater good for myself.
It's really late! 2AM in the morning. I really doubt I can wake up before noon tomorrow.
Nightmares are scary. And nightmares certainly are disturbing when they reflects real life. Something bad possibly happening to an ordinary life. Sometimes, the more ordinary the dream, the more disturbing it is. I remember falling in love with complete strangers in my dreams and waking up still having that bittersweet ache in my heart when I can't even remember what the other person looks like (or do I even know in the first place). I remember dreaming about my O'level grades two years ago. I remember a dream about a bicycle and me like some 7 years ago which was rather traumatizing. I suppose most of you out here would have dream our own version of hell somewhat in the realms of lalaland. I wonder..sometimes. If I could somehow play the piano in my dreams every night I would have twice my skill right now. (okay fat hope). But on a more serious note, I really don't like dreams. I don't remember sweet dreams, but only nightmares.
People. Strange. Weird. I really find relationships strange. People get to know each other, understand each other just to understand that that's the furthest they can go. How far can you know a person. To understand the person. If you understand another person fully does that mean you can completely switch to become the other person if you wanted to. Everyone works on some internal programming, that If ELSE thing applies. Everyone has their coding in them. It just how we understand them. Caesium will explode in water. That's how we predict people's reactions too don't we. However, character is rather kinetic. They move, they change and that is the challenge. Is trying to understand other people judging. I don't know. But I usually get more repelled rather than attracted.
But no man is an island. Even if we would to be, we would have to interact with the waters. (cheesy one, I know). Because everybody craves for emotional drama. We will make mountains of molehills and if there are no molehills we would built them. We make problems for ourselves to solve somewhat sometimes, we are all guilty of doing that. Sometimes, self-pity feels good, and that's the foundation of all emo-thoughts, emo-behavior. Why do we crave for emotional drama? I don't know. Sometimes, when all is going jolly and happy we want to feel sad. Why is that so.
Not many things can survive relativity. Let alone people.
Ah well. I just have to take that step forward or back. it's either one of them. i don't like remaining where I am. Sometimes it strikes me so hard that I don't really have to talk about anything to find direction because there is only one choice to make. what I have to do is already known to me ages ago but have been kept cached, embedded and sealed in a hatch ever since day one. there is unwillingness to follow what I know to be for the greater good for myself.
It's really late! 2AM in the morning. I really doubt I can wake up before noon tomorrow.
Nightmares are scary. And nightmares certainly are disturbing when they reflects real life. Something bad possibly happening to an ordinary life. Sometimes, the more ordinary the dream, the more disturbing it is. I remember falling in love with complete strangers in my dreams and waking up still having that bittersweet ache in my heart when I can't even remember what the other person looks like (or do I even know in the first place). I remember dreaming about my O'level grades two years ago. I remember a dream about a bicycle and me like some 7 years ago which was rather traumatizing. I suppose most of you out here would have dream our own version of hell somewhat in the realms of lalaland. I wonder..sometimes. If I could somehow play the piano in my dreams every night I would have twice my skill right now. (okay fat hope). But on a more serious note, I really don't like dreams. I don't remember sweet dreams, but only nightmares.
People. Strange. Weird. I really find relationships strange. People get to know each other, understand each other just to understand that that's the furthest they can go. How far can you know a person. To understand the person. If you understand another person fully does that mean you can completely switch to become the other person if you wanted to. Everyone works on some internal programming, that If ELSE thing applies. Everyone has their coding in them. It just how we understand them. Caesium will explode in water. That's how we predict people's reactions too don't we. However, character is rather kinetic. They move, they change and that is the challenge. Is trying to understand other people judging. I don't know. But I usually get more repelled rather than attracted.
But no man is an island. Even if we would to be, we would have to interact with the waters. (cheesy one, I know). Because everybody craves for emotional drama. We will make mountains of molehills and if there are no molehills we would built them. We make problems for ourselves to solve somewhat sometimes, we are all guilty of doing that. Sometimes, self-pity feels good, and that's the foundation of all emo-thoughts, emo-behavior. Why do we crave for emotional drama? I don't know. Sometimes, when all is going jolly and happy we want to feel sad. Why is that so.
Not many things can survive relativity. Let alone people.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Gnomenreigen
The structure which I had (and wished for) slipped from my fingers today. I let myself rot again. Well, Lost is getting better deeper into the season. (one!). And so I'm captivated, and somewhat still rather enthusiastic despite the slow snail lag.
I get VERY annoyed by blogs with pseudo music blasting like a land mine. (seriously thats why people say blog hopping huh) Namely blogs with auto-play music (that I have to keep reminding myself to find that freaking player and shut it off). It disrupts whatever I am listening to! And my Itunes is forever on the go. Seriously, I want to go on ranting (forgive me, it's late). Is there even any 'music' in pop or whatsoever modern music. Bach owns all of them hands down.
Oh yes whoever thought Cohen's Masterpiece from the game Bioshock is a real "cool" fuzzy wuzzy composition for solo piano is totally wrong. Why does it actually sound nice? Because it is a freaking rip off from Chopin Sonata no3 Op 58 fourth movement. Compare, there are striking resemblence. It doesn't take a genius to realize. And obvious, there is no need to question which one came first. I have nothing against modern music. But everyone else is missing the gems! And it is so disturbing/painful to see. Can't people find solace in a Schubert Sonata or some Mozart, or maybe a Beethoven Symphony. What does it take to convince the whole world that they're listening to the wrong wrong wrong wrong stuff!
Today I injured my forearm again. It's either the weights, OR the piano. It's one of them. But there really isn't any litmus test to capture this nasty culprit I guess I'll have to go cold turkey for a while. I hope I'll be able to play La Campanella tomorrow. How many people actually understand the challenge behind all this. This makes Fantasie Impromptu or Flight of the Bumblebee seem like child's play. Why don't people understand that. I hate ignorance. I'm gonna nail all the notes right. Hammer them in!
All train of thoughts lead to ranting tonight. (I wonder why). I hate it when people ask others to perform something, and then very obviously they aren't paying attention. Whenever you ask someone to perform, you watch! you give them the respect. a higher respect than how you would be expected to give to someone speaking. the worst is when people start talking like 5 seconds in your piece. They walk away or something when they asked for it in the first place. Or they ask "can you play this, or that". Annoying buggers. Really. I remember back then in Japan (on a holiday) we visited some tribal ancient place where there were people performing "ancient instruments". and there was an ancient instrument which was apparently monotoned. So in other words, you can't really hear a tune, mainly only rhythmic variations. Other Singaporeans from the other tour group started scoffing in dialect/chinese. Man, give me a break. Learn some audience ethics! Horrible, nauseating! Disturbing!
The great wall of well. nothing, the one that lies in the center of my room right now prevents me from tracking my brother's sinister plan to take over the world!. I mean, yea, I don't even know whether he is sleeping till I hear his snores (but he might be faking them so I better be careful). I just hate well egg sandwiches so I shouldn't be sleeping so early. Suddenly the tension is easing (into nine-sion, or maybe eight-sion). Tomorrow I'm like going to so play volleyball across the wall or something. Or better still, I'd WRITE ON HIS WALL. Ah take that man, facebook style'd.
I get VERY annoyed by blogs with pseudo music blasting like a land mine. (seriously thats why people say blog hopping huh) Namely blogs with auto-play music (that I have to keep reminding myself to find that freaking player and shut it off). It disrupts whatever I am listening to! And my Itunes is forever on the go. Seriously, I want to go on ranting (forgive me, it's late). Is there even any 'music' in pop or whatsoever modern music. Bach owns all of them hands down.
Oh yes whoever thought Cohen's Masterpiece from the game Bioshock is a real "cool" fuzzy wuzzy composition for solo piano is totally wrong. Why does it actually sound nice? Because it is a freaking rip off from Chopin Sonata no3 Op 58 fourth movement. Compare, there are striking resemblence. It doesn't take a genius to realize. And obvious, there is no need to question which one came first. I have nothing against modern music. But everyone else is missing the gems! And it is so disturbing/painful to see. Can't people find solace in a Schubert Sonata or some Mozart, or maybe a Beethoven Symphony. What does it take to convince the whole world that they're listening to the wrong wrong wrong wrong stuff!
Today I injured my forearm again. It's either the weights, OR the piano. It's one of them. But there really isn't any litmus test to capture this nasty culprit I guess I'll have to go cold turkey for a while. I hope I'll be able to play La Campanella tomorrow. How many people actually understand the challenge behind all this. This makes Fantasie Impromptu or Flight of the Bumblebee seem like child's play. Why don't people understand that. I hate ignorance. I'm gonna nail all the notes right. Hammer them in!
All train of thoughts lead to ranting tonight. (I wonder why). I hate it when people ask others to perform something, and then very obviously they aren't paying attention. Whenever you ask someone to perform, you watch! you give them the respect. a higher respect than how you would be expected to give to someone speaking. the worst is when people start talking like 5 seconds in your piece. They walk away or something when they asked for it in the first place. Or they ask "can you play this, or that". Annoying buggers. Really. I remember back then in Japan (on a holiday) we visited some tribal ancient place where there were people performing "ancient instruments". and there was an ancient instrument which was apparently monotoned. So in other words, you can't really hear a tune, mainly only rhythmic variations. Other Singaporeans from the other tour group started scoffing in dialect/chinese. Man, give me a break. Learn some audience ethics! Horrible, nauseating! Disturbing!
The great wall of well. nothing, the one that lies in the center of my room right now prevents me from tracking my brother's sinister plan to take over the world!. I mean, yea, I don't even know whether he is sleeping till I hear his snores (but he might be faking them so I better be careful). I just hate well egg sandwiches so I shouldn't be sleeping so early. Suddenly the tension is easing (into nine-sion, or maybe eight-sion). Tomorrow I'm like going to so play volleyball across the wall or something. Or better still, I'd WRITE ON HIS WALL. Ah take that man, facebook style'd.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Brandt Line
My brother just used the bottom of his bed and created a border that separates my room into two. Something like a north south-divide. Down right smack in the middle, so that he can see what I'm doing and I can't see what his doing. Kinda like a disparity kinda thing (?). His side of his room has undergone some major renovation that he took one entire day in his restless frenzy to shift everything. Everything will tend towards disorder anyway. But the more disorder there already is, the less disorderly it will get (or seem). (ty's third law) Thus, there really isn't a point to pack. to benefit from ty's 3rd law, one is advice not to pack stuff at all. for tidiness is proportional to time spent. (with a constant of effort in the equation).
The time within me is getting displaced quite evidently. I slept at 2 last night woke up at 0012hrs this afternoon. I'm starting to get more structure in my life. like exercise. weights, pull ups, and also frog hops up the freaking stairs. (burning sensation!)
I'm thinking of shutting this blog down, for good, yea, for good, and the greater good for myself. For my days are numbered, it is such a tragedy to document my last days. halcyon days! oh yea. Again. Do people feel like this when they are about to die?
It is rather insulting that my brother doesn't seem joyful with his 16 points when I was all over cloud nine with my 15 points. (well, I wasn't expecting much then. Greedy me expected 12 points for studying two weeks, talk about being realistic). ty's 2nd law states that O'level results are randomly generated. A1 for combine humanities in bro's certificate proves my 2nd law. (opps!). My congratulations to some and my condolences to others, and the target of my greetings will be based on your own discretion.
Been doing a lot misc stuff lately. Namely, facebook's word challenge. It is a vexing game, trust me. I am so going to beat that 60K points. But with my 11K record now, it's gonna be a long journey of pain and suffering. But I will get there! I WILL! before I die. Watching Lost. It's really a perplexing show where it really gives the viewer a perspective void of direction. (we gobble whatever is thrown to us at whatever point. anything can happen. weird people, weird metallic junk in the jungle. freaky people. (!!) ) and yea, it shows I haven't gotten far in the series. Of like the myriad of seasons, I'm actually on the first. And yea, halfway through. Not very good progress. But the site I'm watching from buffers slowly, so I'll go along with their pace.
I think embracing the ephemeral is so tough. I jettison all hope, in hopes I can be happier. That is a strange irony isn't it. I really don't wish to document my last days. But really, the temptation is really tough to fight.
The time within me is getting displaced quite evidently. I slept at 2 last night woke up at 0012hrs this afternoon. I'm starting to get more structure in my life. like exercise. weights, pull ups, and also frog hops up the freaking stairs. (burning sensation!)
I'm thinking of shutting this blog down, for good, yea, for good, and the greater good for myself. For my days are numbered, it is such a tragedy to document my last days. halcyon days! oh yea. Again. Do people feel like this when they are about to die?
It is rather insulting that my brother doesn't seem joyful with his 16 points when I was all over cloud nine with my 15 points. (well, I wasn't expecting much then. Greedy me expected 12 points for studying two weeks, talk about being realistic). ty's 2nd law states that O'level results are randomly generated. A1 for combine humanities in bro's certificate proves my 2nd law. (opps!). My congratulations to some and my condolences to others, and the target of my greetings will be based on your own discretion.
Been doing a lot misc stuff lately. Namely, facebook's word challenge. It is a vexing game, trust me. I am so going to beat that 60K points. But with my 11K record now, it's gonna be a long journey of pain and suffering. But I will get there! I WILL! before I die. Watching Lost. It's really a perplexing show where it really gives the viewer a perspective void of direction. (we gobble whatever is thrown to us at whatever point. anything can happen. weird people, weird metallic junk in the jungle. freaky people. (!!) ) and yea, it shows I haven't gotten far in the series. Of like the myriad of seasons, I'm actually on the first. And yea, halfway through. Not very good progress. But the site I'm watching from buffers slowly, so I'll go along with their pace.
I think embracing the ephemeral is so tough. I jettison all hope, in hopes I can be happier. That is a strange irony isn't it. I really don't wish to document my last days. But really, the temptation is really tough to fight.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Numbers and values
Tomorrow, is a life changing day. A calamity will fall for some, while a pleasant path blossoms for the others. A spectrum of paths, all decided by numbers. I had my fair share of this moment of anxiety, which is so palpable. A few moments that aren't so easy to get by with. From it's coming, to it's here, certainly is a great transition. There will be the unsettling atmosphere before the results and yet another unsettling rampage after the release. How strange! But still, it is advised to brace yourselves while wishing for the best. That is certainly the good tactic anyone would want to employ. Oh have fun brother! It's a once in a life time experience, exclusive to people with a brain! c'mon you can pull this off!
Been playing Risk more often and I realized it's a game of chance rather than tactics. Of course, like everything, nothing is certain. I had the worst game of risk last night with Ronald, Bryan, Tay Yang and Tay Ye which I got eliminated first!! on the quest of world domination. Changing cards for troops are really the key to winning but one must make sure he has enough land to pull "armies out of nowhere". Still, I had poor strategy. I used most of my troops disturbing Bryan and preventing his North America conquest. Aww, I got to rework my strategy man. I am too conservative. I don't like to lose armies because it makes me sad!
Numbers do mean a lot do they. Most things are judged by figures. Like say, money. results.
well, anything else. Statistics have taken over everything. Sadly, this is our very own way to consolidate information we do not have, to measure the immeasurable. Examinations as a way to measure competency? Maybe, but not always. Let alone intelligence. Numbers and figures and values have plagued the world. How just good is that movie. Oh FIVE stars. Again if five isn't a number what is it. A ghost? The phantom of numbers is just so evident everywhere. We judge things not by the way we feel it but by the assignment of numbers, which then allow proper judgment. Numbers, oh numbers. We try to put numbers to everything don't we. But for once, more is less. (O'levels) I like this part of the system. It's very counter intuitive!.
One week have passed! My life needs more structure and structure will I give it from tomorrow onwards. Things I need to achieve!, plentiful.
Been playing Risk more often and I realized it's a game of chance rather than tactics. Of course, like everything, nothing is certain. I had the worst game of risk last night with Ronald, Bryan, Tay Yang and Tay Ye which I got eliminated first!! on the quest of world domination. Changing cards for troops are really the key to winning but one must make sure he has enough land to pull "armies out of nowhere". Still, I had poor strategy. I used most of my troops disturbing Bryan and preventing his North America conquest. Aww, I got to rework my strategy man. I am too conservative. I don't like to lose armies because it makes me sad!
Numbers do mean a lot do they. Most things are judged by figures. Like say, money. results.
well, anything else. Statistics have taken over everything. Sadly, this is our very own way to consolidate information we do not have, to measure the immeasurable. Examinations as a way to measure competency? Maybe, but not always. Let alone intelligence. Numbers and figures and values have plagued the world. How just good is that movie. Oh FIVE stars. Again if five isn't a number what is it. A ghost? The phantom of numbers is just so evident everywhere. We judge things not by the way we feel it but by the assignment of numbers, which then allow proper judgment. Numbers, oh numbers. We try to put numbers to everything don't we. But for once, more is less. (O'levels) I like this part of the system. It's very counter intuitive!.
One week have passed! My life needs more structure and structure will I give it from tomorrow onwards. Things I need to achieve!, plentiful.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Mazeppa
My life is coming to an end. Very soon. But today I found myself back and I'm elated. Days of playing hide and seek with myself. The seemingly perpetual hunt loops again. Up and down. Sometimes I don't even know what the heck I'm doing.
The last few days been rotting spree for me. I wake up and all I do is decompose. My body, my fragments of my body, are all hanging from the bed, and I am totally in a world of delusion. I feel like I'm on drugs. a drug of false fatigue. something which causes hours of wallowing in the bed, and refusing to budge. Vertigo also strikes me at some instances. Then I feel as if I am undergoing some emotional transformation, but that is merely an illusion of restlessness. And partially all that strikes me roots from the evil flu bug. Cough! and more cough! there's no end. A lack of determination I feel. Is this how people feel like when they are about to die?
Yesterday I went out. I went out to a place known as centrepoint. A tourist in my own country-a pitiful sorrowful state but yet I am proud of. Failure to navigate to the destination, failure to identify places in my own country and only some few stops away from my own house. Singapore is small, but I am trapped in my own world. What is Orchard road. And when I alighted I felt like I'm in a foreign land. Why is it that people like going out to town anyway! OH that hostile place full of hostile people and hostile signs and hostile monuments with less than monumental impact on the average person. The coke there is more expensive and taste worst than what I get from home. Oh and I don't really consider that hostile place my home. Everything scares me about that place. I'd rather be at home. It's so busy that it's scary. A place void of tranquility is a place of terror! The blazing sun and the people walking so lifelessly. The shops that reflect the plague of mankind. I can't believe anyone can find solace in walking along these roads!
I went there not to be a wussy critic but more of I went to try out some grand pianos. I tried a kawai grand which I find very pleasant. However, the person wouldn't let me practice on it and only test the action and touch of the keys, which I like very much. It cost a bomb however, 40K, which I find it overly price and way above my pathetic budget for a grand piano. It's not my budget anyway! But I still find myself quite revived after playing it. The sound that resonates is so pleasing!! The price tag is scary! I have to look somewhere else I guess.
So sadly this is the only highlight this week. I spent my time doing nothing, rotting. rotting rotting. I must learn how to control myself even though I am going to die. Some people can remain cheery and embrace the present. Ah, one dimensional time. And the inevitable is about to happen. While I await the inexorable affliction, I shall wallow some more. I find solace in Liszt's Mazeppa. It gives me a lot energy. Trust me. It does.
I was about to do some dedications to a friend. But I realize that is so not me.
The last few days been rotting spree for me. I wake up and all I do is decompose. My body, my fragments of my body, are all hanging from the bed, and I am totally in a world of delusion. I feel like I'm on drugs. a drug of false fatigue. something which causes hours of wallowing in the bed, and refusing to budge. Vertigo also strikes me at some instances. Then I feel as if I am undergoing some emotional transformation, but that is merely an illusion of restlessness. And partially all that strikes me roots from the evil flu bug. Cough! and more cough! there's no end. A lack of determination I feel. Is this how people feel like when they are about to die?
Yesterday I went out. I went out to a place known as centrepoint. A tourist in my own country-a pitiful sorrowful state but yet I am proud of. Failure to navigate to the destination, failure to identify places in my own country and only some few stops away from my own house. Singapore is small, but I am trapped in my own world. What is Orchard road. And when I alighted I felt like I'm in a foreign land. Why is it that people like going out to town anyway! OH that hostile place full of hostile people and hostile signs and hostile monuments with less than monumental impact on the average person. The coke there is more expensive and taste worst than what I get from home. Oh and I don't really consider that hostile place my home. Everything scares me about that place. I'd rather be at home. It's so busy that it's scary. A place void of tranquility is a place of terror! The blazing sun and the people walking so lifelessly. The shops that reflect the plague of mankind. I can't believe anyone can find solace in walking along these roads!
I went there not to be a wussy critic but more of I went to try out some grand pianos. I tried a kawai grand which I find very pleasant. However, the person wouldn't let me practice on it and only test the action and touch of the keys, which I like very much. It cost a bomb however, 40K, which I find it overly price and way above my pathetic budget for a grand piano. It's not my budget anyway! But I still find myself quite revived after playing it. The sound that resonates is so pleasing!! The price tag is scary! I have to look somewhere else I guess.
So sadly this is the only highlight this week. I spent my time doing nothing, rotting. rotting rotting. I must learn how to control myself even though I am going to die. Some people can remain cheery and embrace the present. Ah, one dimensional time. And the inevitable is about to happen. While I await the inexorable affliction, I shall wallow some more. I find solace in Liszt's Mazeppa. It gives me a lot energy. Trust me. It does.
I was about to do some dedications to a friend. But I realize that is so not me.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Midnight Serenade
I find myself unable to just coax myself into sleep. I slept this afternoon. I felt terrible. An insane vertigo struck me, the sense of needing sleep, yet the disability to fall into sleep the moment of contact with the bed is so distinct and it sucks! I totally hate it when my body betrays me.
I am abandoning the path of virtuosic-wannabe. I am trying to learn to appreciate difficulty in simplicity. Liebestraum is really beautiful. (It means, a dream of love, in German). Chopin's Nocturne number 2 is also really another gem. I actually felt super refreshed after playing these. For once, I don't let my fingers do the work, I let my heart do the work. Really, I finally found some joy in learning these relatively slow expressive pieces. Etudes or whatever will have to wait. (again). I feel renewed. I am one a quest to expand my repertoire with relatively easier pieces!
I love switching off all the lights, and then listening to music while lying on my mattress staring at the ceiling fan. It helps when there's a ghostly wind. Nocturnes resonate pretty well with the ambiance.
A midst the conducive environment for a myriad of introspective thoughts, I see a blank picture of nothing. There IS happiness in sadness. And sadness in happiness.
Franz Schubert said this "No one feels another's grief, no one understands another's joy. People imagine they can reach one another. In reality they only pass each other by. "
I don't know how and why but I seem to question sympathy and empathy more nowadays.
I am abandoning the path of virtuosic-wannabe. I am trying to learn to appreciate difficulty in simplicity. Liebestraum is really beautiful. (It means, a dream of love, in German). Chopin's Nocturne number 2 is also really another gem. I actually felt super refreshed after playing these. For once, I don't let my fingers do the work, I let my heart do the work. Really, I finally found some joy in learning these relatively slow expressive pieces. Etudes or whatever will have to wait. (again). I feel renewed. I am one a quest to expand my repertoire with relatively easier pieces!
I love switching off all the lights, and then listening to music while lying on my mattress staring at the ceiling fan. It helps when there's a ghostly wind. Nocturnes resonate pretty well with the ambiance.
A midst the conducive environment for a myriad of introspective thoughts, I see a blank picture of nothing. There IS happiness in sadness. And sadness in happiness.
Franz Schubert said this "No one feels another's grief, no one understands another's joy. People imagine they can reach one another. In reality they only pass each other by. "
I don't know how and why but I seem to question sympathy and empathy more nowadays.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Lost
I haven't been blogging again. But sometimes matters are just so entangled that it becomes a chore to untangle them and then blog about it. The matters of the mind are so complex that I feel like there is an ecosystem within me. Weird. Waking up resets me, puts me in equilibrium and that is a pleasant feeling.
I realized I have been imposing myself on others. Well, I have always been. The nature that goes like "people should make things go the way I want it to", else, " I get annoyed". That is very selfish behavior which lies within me. Pride and selfishness are my biggest flaws, I recognize that.
Put your hand in a bag of balls like say 10 balls of variating colors. And let's say there's only one white ball. The chance of getting it is simply 1/10. So let's say I put my hand into the bag and grab any random ball. And assuming I'm a fussy person who just simply adores white balls and I say "if I don't get the white ball I'll be unhappy".
So there is a 9/10 chance that I end up unhappy. This applies to most situations. In everything that happens, there are certainly somehow more ways that it can turn out bad than good. Even when they are equal, Murphy's Law prevents any form of optimism from blossoming (it says, anything that can go wrong will go wrong). So is the trick in being happy being more open minded. Let's say I like blue red pink white balls (which are 4 out of 10 in the bag), there is a higher chance of being happy? Being more open minded, compromising, makes one more happy?
Some people can accept getting a non-white ball, but for people like me, we tend to dwell in it for a longer period of time, questioning WHY is it that we cannot have the white ball.
I did not set any resolutions this year. it started with a very perplexing note. I dislike 2009. somewhat, dislike it so much that I don't want to set resolutions. But internally, I have some intangible ones. Some things so obvious that I need not explicitly note it down. After all, why wait till the new year before I set new resolutions. I should set resolutions each time I wake up.
To things which I enjoy, I really feel it's time I let go of the entire burden I am carrying. Appreciating what's there instead of trying so hard to forge what is not there. Trying to be someone I can't be. (or maybe I am already). It's so hard I realize to assume an identity that you're not. People with insight and experience penetrates anything and I realize nothing can be a substitute for foundation-yes, not even genius.
I realized I have been imposing myself on others. Well, I have always been. The nature that goes like "people should make things go the way I want it to", else, " I get annoyed". That is very selfish behavior which lies within me. Pride and selfishness are my biggest flaws, I recognize that.
Put your hand in a bag of balls like say 10 balls of variating colors. And let's say there's only one white ball. The chance of getting it is simply 1/10. So let's say I put my hand into the bag and grab any random ball. And assuming I'm a fussy person who just simply adores white balls and I say "if I don't get the white ball I'll be unhappy".
So there is a 9/10 chance that I end up unhappy. This applies to most situations. In everything that happens, there are certainly somehow more ways that it can turn out bad than good. Even when they are equal, Murphy's Law prevents any form of optimism from blossoming (it says, anything that can go wrong will go wrong). So is the trick in being happy being more open minded. Let's say I like blue red pink white balls (which are 4 out of 10 in the bag), there is a higher chance of being happy? Being more open minded, compromising, makes one more happy?
Some people can accept getting a non-white ball, but for people like me, we tend to dwell in it for a longer period of time, questioning WHY is it that we cannot have the white ball.
I did not set any resolutions this year. it started with a very perplexing note. I dislike 2009. somewhat, dislike it so much that I don't want to set resolutions. But internally, I have some intangible ones. Some things so obvious that I need not explicitly note it down. After all, why wait till the new year before I set new resolutions. I should set resolutions each time I wake up.
To things which I enjoy, I really feel it's time I let go of the entire burden I am carrying. Appreciating what's there instead of trying so hard to forge what is not there. Trying to be someone I can't be. (or maybe I am already). It's so hard I realize to assume an identity that you're not. People with insight and experience penetrates anything and I realize nothing can be a substitute for foundation-yes, not even genius.
Friday, January 2, 2009
In the fourth dimension
I wake up and I stagger online. Then suddenly the number of people online is significantly lesser. Have I transcended into the fourth dimension. It certainly feels like that. Happy living in the 3D world people!
No I did not spend the transition to the new year on the overhead bridge dwelling in positive introspection! But well, I think I finally should come out with somewhat of a resolution. The year ahead looks tough, (really), I don't like thinking about the future now. But eventually I will be faced with it, whether I like it or not. The one dimensional nature of time leaps forward at every corner life shocks me. Revolutionary discovery after discovery.
So now about the year 2008. It was a year which was relatively easy. Yes it was. Really. Life was much simpler. Half the year was designated for A'levels, which I can easily conclude it to be my best part of my life so far. No stress, no problems, just a tad little anxiety here and there. Life had SO much structure. Wake up, do papers, read books, and then sleep. Rinse and repeat. It was a period of tranquility and I was trying so hard to be focused that nothing else mattered. Trust me, studying is so much easier than a lot other things out there. (namely, shopping in Bugis). Nothing much really happened, but I made a few technical breakthroughs of different sizes throughout the year on the piano. That's all. My interest for classical music skyrocketed and so on. The only thing I really finished was La Campanella, Chopin's 10-4 (but scrapped), Chopin 10-12, (but now I can't play it entirely), and then I messed around with A lot other things.
I've changed. And I know it very well. I am still emotionally unstable-very. I am still clinging on to that pride of mine. I am still expecting too much from myself. But now I'm learning to let go and lead a normal happy life. I'm seriously trying to be satisfied, to be happy. And not cloud my mind in negativity at every single corner. It's time to embrace what I have and stop whining about the other half which I don't have.
Somehow, the new year gives me the sense of a lack of direction. It makes me curious, it makes me worry, it makes me shudder in fear. It makes my confidence waver. I don't like 2009, I really don't. Somehow the challenges ahead seem too much, but yet sometimes I think otherwise. Wavering-like how everyone defines it. I'm a pretty bad person-I realize that. I do judge a lot into people's character. I can't possibly come to terms with my people, and generally am fussy about who comes within a 2 metre radius around me. On a whole, I really do find it hard to get along with people, but I'm trying. I sense everyone's social high is going to fall, but it will be a fall-revive fall revive cycle until it plummets entirely. School life is after all, does put everyone on handcuffs.
yucks.
No I did not spend the transition to the new year on the overhead bridge dwelling in positive introspection! But well, I think I finally should come out with somewhat of a resolution. The year ahead looks tough, (really), I don't like thinking about the future now. But eventually I will be faced with it, whether I like it or not. The one dimensional nature of time leaps forward at every corner life shocks me. Revolutionary discovery after discovery.
So now about the year 2008. It was a year which was relatively easy. Yes it was. Really. Life was much simpler. Half the year was designated for A'levels, which I can easily conclude it to be my best part of my life so far. No stress, no problems, just a tad little anxiety here and there. Life had SO much structure. Wake up, do papers, read books, and then sleep. Rinse and repeat. It was a period of tranquility and I was trying so hard to be focused that nothing else mattered. Trust me, studying is so much easier than a lot other things out there. (namely, shopping in Bugis). Nothing much really happened, but I made a few technical breakthroughs of different sizes throughout the year on the piano. That's all. My interest for classical music skyrocketed and so on. The only thing I really finished was La Campanella, Chopin's 10-4 (but scrapped), Chopin 10-12, (but now I can't play it entirely), and then I messed around with A lot other things.
I've changed. And I know it very well. I am still emotionally unstable-very. I am still clinging on to that pride of mine. I am still expecting too much from myself. But now I'm learning to let go and lead a normal happy life. I'm seriously trying to be satisfied, to be happy. And not cloud my mind in negativity at every single corner. It's time to embrace what I have and stop whining about the other half which I don't have.
Somehow, the new year gives me the sense of a lack of direction. It makes me curious, it makes me worry, it makes me shudder in fear. It makes my confidence waver. I don't like 2009, I really don't. Somehow the challenges ahead seem too much, but yet sometimes I think otherwise. Wavering-like how everyone defines it. I'm a pretty bad person-I realize that. I do judge a lot into people's character. I can't possibly come to terms with my people, and generally am fussy about who comes within a 2 metre radius around me. On a whole, I really do find it hard to get along with people, but I'm trying. I sense everyone's social high is going to fall, but it will be a fall-revive fall revive cycle until it plummets entirely. School life is after all, does put everyone on handcuffs.
yucks.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Hello and Bye
During the long awaited transition of years I was actually asleep. But a myriad of text came in rapidly declaring the start of the new year. Actually I find it rather amusing. Why are we celebrating whenever the Earth moves around the sun once. It's so weird! Okay maybe it's just me. New Year is new year and I will be mirthful and satisfied just like anyone else when the 2008 in our calenders and internal clock suddenly becomes 2009 (oh wow!), but I just sometimes think about why we celebrate New Year. We people can really find anything not so amusing to be made amusing.
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