Sitting here staring into the immense ocean of blankets, I should really be somewhere far far away (namely, dreamland). 4Am in the morning, and I just can't fall asleep. Hunger keeps me motivated as I stick my hands into that jar of goodies in repeated fashion. Strangely, I don't even know the names of the things I put into my mouth these days. Suddenly it strikes me that I actually have a lot to blog about.
So we go around wishing people that they may have fishes every year, and all that explode in richness kind of chinese cool tag lines which are vainly associated with the festive season. I don't say them like the whole world do lest I turn into a big hypocrite, or it's variant. Happy new year replaces hello in many ways, and at least for me. it simply means hello. if I'd want to greet, or wish. I'd say something, in English. Amidst holidays, there ain't much incentive. Chinese new year just provides the opportunity for people to barge into the house, leaving me stranded in my own room. I do not really have the freedom to stroll along the corridor, or walk down to the kitchen to get some food (but I do anyway).
I am relentlessly sticking my fingers into this jar of fiery "prawn crackers" (the chinese new year version), and on the lid there is a layer which says "sealed for your protection". Well. I guess it says a lot.
Despite the lack of freedom even in my own house, I do also have to compromise in another thousand ways. Sound travels, everyone knows that. And my superficial neighbor hires a lion dance troupe in front of her house (and mine too, sadly) to create sound pollution. Worst still. Untimely. Chinese new year doesn't mean everyone is awake and poised to strike (for red packets), at 10am in the morning! Tradition usually takes one of two paths. It may become art, or it might become a nuisance, an outdated retarded scheme/plot/routine. And I suggest that all that we have been doing since yesterday sadly belonged to the latter.
People are 'fine'. Uncles and aunts whom I see once every year. Relatives whom I struggle to match face to name (or title, talk about 3.142th thousand aunt or whatever, I'd say remember random handphone numbers are more important than these insignificant people). The little kids can be troublesome. They barge into my room sometimes, (have to keep the door shut). Sadly, I don't have many cousins whom are of the same age group as I am. Either too old, or young.
Well you see everyone happy, and full of glee. Seemingly yes. But I don't see how adults going around giving their money away will be happy. Children who get to use money from their red packet harvest have that special sparkle in their eyes and that is pretty evident. The rest appear happy, but the real honest ones are nonchalant. I can spend the money I receive but given a choice I wouldn't bother actually going down to take any. The major ones comes from my parents anyway, and I know where the other major ones are and I just get them. The rest are just chore and routine. There really isn't any love and meaning in those red packets. Just a bloody red (opps!) container of "obligation". There isn't really a way not to give out red packets except to lose all your face and all your respect from what you consider your extended family. Everyone seems happy but when I think about it. It's either A) holidays are good B) Bah kwa is nice. And if A and B ain't true, that you know that all that is nothing but a facade.
I visited my grandparents today (mother's side). Visiting grandparents are absolutely fine without the inverted commas because they deserve that respect being the parents of your parents. But other extended extended relatives that appear out of nowhere, I ain't very interested in that four dollars worth of obligation really. It's where I can't be honest when I want to be.
Having gone through this routine for seemingly a thousand years and counting, really. there is nothing really special about chinese new year. the superficialness usually makes me shudder in disgust. People gamble, (I hear the ramblings of the mahjong table from my neighbor's house!), people gossip, people pretend, people compare, indulge in gluttony (yes, pineapple tarts are irresistible) and everyone puts on at least 2-3 kilograms. Name me a Chinese new year goodie that is actually healthy. There is only the very unhealthy and the unhealthy. nothing comes close to being not so unhealthy. But look here, I am not one to preach about health because I just finished half a jar of goodies, and I stink of guilt.
(I just deleted a paragraph which might be very offending to some people...)
Oh yes. I cannot seem to even find a proper time to go downstairs and practice the piano. It really sucks because thoughts like "am I disturbing the people watching the television". and then seconds later, "wait maybe they're sleeping already". Along these lines. Chattering could be heard from inside the piano room and it is indeed very annoying. I practiced for an hour or so when there were pretty much about the average number of guests in the house for that day. I am grateful for the door. Either I get that compliment, (which doesn't really mean much anyway), or I get that "go die you showoff" stinky look. It's in the air, really. And I won't be surprised with the usual "chinese" mentality it would be easy for these people to assume I'm playing for everyone to hear. When I really am not so attention seeking. Can't I just find some time to practice? And it's my own house hello? ( I tried to wake up as early as I can, but it turned out 1pm again, sadly).
Really. Amidst school, these few days would be a good break and all that would make the whole festive season valuable. But now it's all meaningless. It's corrupt, wrong, shallow, immature and superficial. I happen to just think more into red packets rather than envelopes of free money. I did not bother checking the colour of that note sealed behind those red pieces of paper. I haven't counted my money neither do I intend to bother about them. Food is good and the only reason why I am saying this is that because is rhymes.
For entertainment sake, how about let's revamp Chinese New year. Like instead of 2 days holidays we get like one week(okay, lets be fair here-sufficient rest!). And instead of red packets, put in chocolates and sweets and see how much visiting drops. the enthusiasm in receiving them or even bothering to harvest them plummets. Swap bah kwa for lettuce without that fancy dressing, see how many people eat at the goodie table. Make it seem totally mandatory and see how many people not arrive at your doorstep.
We Chinese, just have to start the new year by indulging in all that we are infamous for.
Whew. Long 'rant'. Nothing "personal" against it all, I've gotta admit I ain't enjoying myself. Pretty much escaped from all that pandemonium by playing a lot of sports on Sunday and Monday. Sunday had this long marathon of sports on an empty stomach. Frisbee( the tormenting bore) to squash (the intensive workout) to tennis (the enlightening).
No matter how much people console me, telling me it will get better with time, experience etc. I can never imagine myself disrupting a Frisbee in it's path to the enemy's end zone, neither can I imagine playing a game of proper Frisbee without having people give me that sympathy "help". Don't worry, it ain't your fault guys. Because it is all about me just not being able to play team sports. Bad is an understatement, maladroit explains it vaguely. I just suck so plainly at team games. People who insanely competitive and out for personal glory are worst. These people are around and the moment they are in my team I can already say good bye to my chance at grabbing the Frisbee. I don't like calling for the Frisbee and neither do I know what the heck is open space. How many times have I actually attempted to get into that legendary open space just to have the Frisbee thrown to some other guy. The benefit of the doubt is very strong here because I do know that once the Frisbee falls into your hands you totally find it hard to see the people around. (whether open or not). Since young, I have never fancied basketball or soccer because these games stink of "teamwork". (superficially, yea). But again, I don't blame anyone for being so untalented at such games. To each his or her own. I'll just do things I am good at. I'll just have to remind myself not to have too much hope in that " you'll get better " thing. Because I already know I won't get very far and personally things which I ain't talented at ain't gonna get much of my attention.
I was all sulky. But squash and tennis made me feel a lot better. Me, Ye, S.Dom, And Tim and my family ended up playing 4-5 hours of continuous alternating squash/tennis. Junreen (short for Junwei/doreen) was there Squash is vexing. And I finally got back a lot things in tennis which I lost in that fateful incident. I got my overhead serve back which I am so grateful for. It's really fun for once. Want that point? Go for it. No need to care if your friend wants you to score for the team or not. Make a mistake? No one is going to blame you for it, (except yourself, and your imaginary friend maybe). Being totally in control for once feels good. At least, anything except technically wise because we are still tennis nubcakes with strawberry and some peaches.
Back to the real world. There hardly is anyone online. I took my time to type this ultra long post. 5am it says on the clock. And I better make my way to where I am supposed to be.
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