at last, finally, eventually...

I am returning to camp soon. returning to my beloved bunk bed soon. I miss the days where I lie down in bunk at 6pm sharp and contemplate my life. then i'll either play games, hang around, or watch videos till i feel sleepy. relaxing. somehow. recently, gym and SBO runs have been taking over those empty nights. I want to gym tomorrow.

It feels wrong. so wrong. it's wednesday already and I haven't book in yet. inter cluster games well, went okay. I have match phobia. I didn't volunteer to play singles when they asked. i only played one games of doubles whereby I fragged the opponents. not even warm up actually. but my team mates were better than me, so I believe the better players should represent. somehow, I was mostly linesman and umpire for most of the day. i did quite some stroking here and there and playing for fun mostly. and the funny thing is that with the others, i got selected for formation training to train for the upcoming inter formation. (one level above inter cluster). I didn't really expect it since i didn't even appear in any of the matches. but alright. it's a chance for off and more stay out, so why not! but i think I will end up benched at most.

been wandering a lot these days. aimless. wandering. wandering.

it's time to stop this ghosting around.

I ran another 7.2km today. YAY

Empty

Gosh. I feel like a stay out personnel. I haven't book in and it's already wednesday. I will only book in tonight, thanks to inter cluster badminton. sadly, I have to go for skid pad revision at bedok this saturday.

Sometimes, there are things in life that we want, but we just cannot have. Why is that. We try so hard, but this is so much that we will ever get. we will not advance beyond any point which is not meant for us to be at, even if we try our best. we live in a society where effort is hailed king among all, but it is all maybe over rated. talent, flair, affinity beats everything and effort is merely the catalyst. effort is required for anything even going to the toilet for a piss, but end of it all, hardwork doesn't really result in anything, for most people.

I have match phobia.

it's the last day of June. July is here. Alright, July rocks because it's closer to 2011. I am really quite happy everything the middle digit on the date changes for the better. I will have to start worrying about my bleak future very soon. My energy for piano is diminishing by the minutes. I don't know why but I don't seem to be able to get myself to practice. I've been running a lot and in one weekend I can run over 20 km but i cannot even sit down to let my fingers run for awhile. Pathetic. I feel so ashamed of myself.

Sometimes, I wonder if I will freak out on my examination date. Sometimes, I wonder if I am as talented as I think I am. Maybe in sports, not so. I am freaking afraid of a basketball, I cannot really play captain ball and my badminton is really half-baked. Maybe music is my thing after all. But I cannot really do anything impressive with the piano. I enjoy it and perhaps until now it is one of the few things that can make me happy. happiness, which more often turns to damn frustration when I cannot get a passage right. timing, above all, is also crucial and i always mess that up. SUCKS. I am feeling so demoralized.

My social life is failing. It has been always this way. but i feel so alone sometimes. I have things to occupy me but I dread the end of the year. Christmas season. I have a feeling that this year will be totally opposite from last year. not that I miss you, but I really had a great time last year. the only consolation is that ORD is much closer.

I have to leave soon. I really have a lot up my mind, a lot to sort out. And in the meanwhile, i will just stall on, run on. And pretend to fire when I have a freaking empty magazine and no ammo.

the missing fire

I stayed at home the whole day. eyes glued to my DS. yes, that game is addictive so what. feeling lethargic now and feeling super useless. the piano calls, but i never find enough motivation to go downstairs to practice. i've lost it. motivation, the so called fire that keeps me burning. i'm sick and tired of the pieces i'm playing. i'm sick of plowing through those notes.

my eyes are sore and I am feeling dizzy from playing too much puzzle games. omg, vertigo! curse myself. i should be spending my time more wisely, that was what i thought. it's july soon and I can really see ORD coming. but wait, my future is uncertain. I want to retake Alevels but I imagine myself being like this at home for most of the time. can I really study? can i really pull myself through? Will I end up playing games or doing nothing for most of the time. what's more, my brain probably rotted so much in the past 1 year plus of national service. what's left for me.

sometimes, i will find myself lonely. i will catch myself off guard and ask myself "am I lonely". what do I really hope for. I cannot find the answer. that damn answer. sometimes have you been with a large bunch of seemingly good friends and then abruptly everything was flushed to the background and you ask yourself, " what the freaking heck am I doing here ". then in the flushed background you hear people laughing, giggling and in all that warm mess of friendship you could no longer relate or associate yourself to. then you find yourself lonely even with the greatest friends ever.

maybe the saying that " in solitude, where we are least alone" is quite true.

I never really had the affinity with good friendship. or what they call being bonded with a clique. I always had to TRY. I had to try to be friends with people. there are so little people I can have fun with.

Night runs are so cool. I love it. the feeling of feeling healthy. and the thoughts that run through my mind as I pant, pant and pant somemore. the feeling of helplessness, yet having to continue. that is the feeling that running brings me. uselessness, helplessness, meaningless miles and meters. and the end, it is a mystery to why it is just all so fun. maybe friendship is just like this.

I am quite sick and tired of life. Secretly afraid of the challenges and painful times ahead. it's not that I hate life. my life is actually not bad now. my dad says I should sometimes just learn to lie down and relax and not think about anything at all. but it's just so weird, so painfully weird, so undeniably painfully weird.

it just seems like, I dont' really feel happy. or more of, it takes a lot to make myself happy. I haven't been really happy in awhile. i wonder why. there is this plainness to my emotions. i get upset more easily. but happiness is now quite rare an emotion to experience.

the moon and the river

it's midnight. and one reason why I am sitting here is because I slept the entire afternoon away. pretty neat. i love afternoon naps! especially when you have been sleep deprived for several nights. camp life is going to be very busy with the upcoming formation healthy lifestyle day which is long for FHLD which is also the timor barat run we are organizing.

The running route is well, err, deserted. On our primary recce we had to bash into thick foliages and bushes of all things to find the route. mind you, we are aiding in the organization of a simple 16-km run. sounds easy? not so when the route is still covered with bushes. that is where the plant engineers come in, I suppose. there's no way I'm going in armed with a parang and you expect me to be a professional grass cutter or whatever shit. and that is just the tip of the ice berg because there are thousand of potholes to fill and a million of sand bags to fill as well. it sucks. and measuring distance and calibrating between us, and HQ and the people up there is always screwed up and a lot of double work is done again and again. sounds bad.

I took off on monday! which is why I am still at home at this present moment. tuesday is intercluster badminton and we're playing ETI, CBRE and 2PDF. I think i'll be representing the bridging cluster. sounds fun. but I got no shoes to play with. I only have my running shoes. my badminton shoes is worn out from the past few years of intense badminton. this sucks.

which reminds me. I ran quite a lot this weekend. 7.2km on saturday and 7.2km today. I am feeling officially accomplished. i want to get fit and that is why I put in extra effort. to aim to pass SOC or get gold for ippt is just cheap thrills/small rewards. I like feeling healthy! I am going to run another 7.2km tomorrow and then it will be time to up my usual runs to 10km each. does 10km sound scary to most people? I don't know. is it really a lot? I am getting really accustomed to 7.2km. im going to make a running log book to clock how much mileage I actually run in a month! so exciting! I ran and it was full moon tonight! and the reflection from the canal (aka simulated river) is so beautiful. the path is so deserted and ulu, so dark yet so mysterious. I love night runs!

my glass hideout

I am sitting at the headquarters of my own house. I am currently surrounded by glass and plants and beneath this secret hide out I sit here (secretly plotting to take over the world), actually-contemplating my fate.

There is currently a high definition tv right infront of me, which is plugged to my macbook. I am using the tv to watch youtube videos and speaker-rize my itunes music. the sun is streaming in, and the air conditioned air flow makes it cosy luke-warm and cooling at the same time. it seems so perfect to enjoy a cup of coffee while watching the setting sun, while listening to itunes and relaxing on matching white sofa bed in this white pure like structure. omg. this place is now the HQ of my house. this is where I will sit and plan to take over the world.

I am satisfied. But I still want and dream of that pool side grand piano with shiny chandeliers and perfectly and musically engineered acoustic environment. :)

Life is good.

But before I plan to take over the world in this little headquarters of mine, I have to book in first. then come out the next weekend and resume Exercise Relaxation.

It's probably June holidays for most of the peeps out there. Holidays don't exist for me. So I'm kinda hoping you kids quickly go back to school. Because I am currently about 8 months plus plus away from my magic date. I want time to pass faster!

Advance and overcome!

1 year from POP

today is one year from POP day. last year this time, I was standing on the parade square in my FBO waiting to pass out from BMT. one whole year have passed, (about 15 months in NS) and with a remaining 9 months to clock, I really have to say that time is doing his job right. time crawled, but still, it advanced somewhat. I had experienced a myriad of emotions. Sadness and sorrow being like the top hit of the last 12 months. Actually, to be fair, there was a fair share of candy here and there.

NS is really annoying. Like I said, I am willing to give up almost anything to ORD like immediately. (of course, it cannot be too drastic). It's been like five months since I haven't seen you. I really have forgotten what you even look like. Even our most intimate memories, I seem to have forgotten them. Yesterday I was walking around Bishan and it occurred to me that there's a possibility that I still might bump into you. My gut feeling tells me that I will ignore, but I will continue to feel disturbed for a long period of time. I am alright now. I believe that you made the right choice. It's for your own and my happiness. Right now, I cannot imagine missing you so much and not being able to see you because you're grounded for a few months due to examinations. End of the day, I hope it's not all just excuses. I believe you. Not to mention, I am flying to thailand soon for Ex Claymore.

You seem like you did not exist. Sometimes, I wonder if you still remember me. What am I to you now? What was I to you all the while? Sometimes, there are questions with no answers, or no means to find those answers. Answers that lead to no where, to no point. I should just enjoy my life right now. I feel as if I cannot fall in love naturally now. there is a barrier. maybe it's because I have not totally forgotten. I haven't met anyone better than you.

But I tell myself, you're not that great really. the next girl that enters my life, I'm sure she will treat me better. but it's already too late, I will not go all out. I will not steer the wheel, I will not go full speed and put in all my damn it effort. I will not leave myself vulnerable to a knife wound. I will be steadfast, in offense and defense. because it's all nothing but a facade. I will remain cynical. Until you arrive, with your angelic wings, and free me from all these cynicism.

But I am happy. Because being single, I have no need to report to anybody or any source.

I will learn not to depend on people for my emotional happiness. I am responsible for my own happiness, for my own life. With that paradigm, I will move forward and redeem what is rightfully mine. I will succeed, because I do not need someone beside me to. I will be brave, because life is scary.

Pillow Fights

I'm about to book in soon. While others enjoy a full fledged 2 day and one night weekend I some sort find myself with a lackluster half day weekend. I did duty yesterday, prowling to be exact. and I only managed to get home this morning. By the time I realized, I woke up at about 5 in the evening. My whole day is gone, and effectively-that was my entire weekend. I didn't do much.

Duty yesterday was quite fun, some sort. We ordered Macs for breakfast and KFC for supper and I ate all the indented ration all the way! Omg! but prowling some sort of equalize things somehow.

Next week it's the last 2 lessons and grading for ACCT. I think tomorrow will be pillow fighting. Omg. I hate pillow fighting. the gear is so stinky, bolster is so heavy, and it's the most intense 1 min ever! it's like even more shag than SOC. really. I wonder how Ipman can fight for so long.

the techniques for ACCT are quite interesting, gotta admit. I kinda enjoy CCT. but failing is so not funny, I don't even know if I would pass this tuesday, but all I know, it's actually quite amusing, from a bystander point of a view.

I've been happy recently. I don't know why. Being busy, being tired, makes life past with greater ease. Suffering can be bliss and vice versa.

a whole new level

I am totally burned out as I type this. Ridiculous orders have been passed down to shift our bunk upstairs. What greeted us was nothing but a total mess. the total effective dust collected could fill half a bin and the water from washing dirt covered fans could actually turn the floor black. that was the extent of our trauma. dirty cupboards and power sockets which do not work, and best of all, the 6 flight of stairs we have to overcome just to get back to where we sleep is totally killing us. I keep telling myself, there's no choice. suck it up.

Last night was the first night spent in this new bunk. Have to admit that it's more spacious, but more space means more works because more fans, more cupboards and everything. we spent like almost more than 5 hours of work. shifting our original cupboards, mattresses, belongings, field packs and all up. the cleaning took almost a few hours plus a few other hours from the few days before. terror. terror.

the whole company is shifting. the whole corridor is chaotic. we have a whole new (or not so new) toilet to clean, and we actually go to our original toilet (2 floors down) just to have a shower. ridiculous.

Aside from all that misc shifting work plus area cleaning plus climbing up and down stairs plus shifting of heavy stuff, we have to attend our advanced close combat. thankfully lessons are relatively short, there are much lesser techniques than the earlier intermediate level, and the techniques somehow (contradictorily) seem easier. but it's more or less throwing somebody when people try to knife you, or when people are armed with weapons and disarming them. it's pretty lame considering you have to dodge their hit first before you can do anything.

Sucking thumb. it's not easy. it's a skill we all learn eventually. some people resist initially, some people release the heat by venting. some people swallow it silently. army is the best place to learn to suck it up. I've seen a lot patterns of how people handle suck thumb situations. because this just teaches us that life doesn't always go the way we want it to. furthermore, we don't always have to be in army to suck thumb. life does a lot of weird things to us. unpredictable, sudden, cruel even. we may have lived our lives unscathed for 20 whole years or more, but this doesn't guarantee that life is actually smooth sailing. people say enjoy life, but i choose to believe life is more of enduring than enjoying.

Again it brings us back to the question, what is worth fighting for and what is not. if we become too good at sucking thumb, we become slaves of the situation. for example, the stronger you are in ignoring somebody hurling insults at you, you may seem weak. (or you may be arguably weak). this is another grey area. where the line between good and bad, strong and weak gets blurred. somebody picks on you, insults you but you choose not to insult back for the sake of peace. you suck it up. you absorb the damage for the sake of being a happier person (effectively, this may seem as the most practical and harmless way). in such a situation, is sucking it up the right thing to do? What battles are worth fighting for?

My life is now the intercept of many issues. many issues which I have never encountered before living in the same bunk as 12 men, having to deal with the system and regulars who dominate anything within the camp gates. Pride, friendship, brotherhood, fairness, controversy, hatred, peace, and sucking thumb of all things.

What a wonderful experience.

it may be all in reverse

Bad week so far.

Change of bunks, for who knows whatever stupid reason. Forced up to shift to level 6 from level 4. It's not that big a deal, 2 flight of stairs aren't really gonna tax our legs much. but imagine, being sweaty from fatigue from an overnight guard duty and you stagger back to bunk, only to be greeted by 6 levels worth of stairs. it's not really pleasant. the make things worst, the condition there is terrible, we have to re-clean and make that place our home again. I still remember the first day I got posted in and we were made to clean our dust filled cupboards. Once, is fine. But twice, and for no reason! We have to clean a new toilet (which is now in total slums), pack our barangs and move up 2 floors. Really stupid idea.

I hate it. And on last minute notice, I got scheduled to do weekend guard duty this saturday. this week itself is not a relaxing week. close combat training, and combined with the fact I just did duty last night (and my eyes haven't recovered from the lack of sleep) and I was already greeted by a oh so wonderful weekend duty. my duty counter is rising up the ranks. some people haven't been doing weekend duties for the last 3 months and there's only 3 slots from our platoon this month and it got to be me. wonderful. suck it up.

this sucks. I hate it.

9 months 1.5 weeks to ORD!