Empty

Gosh. I feel like a stay out personnel. I haven't book in and it's already wednesday. I will only book in tonight, thanks to inter cluster badminton. sadly, I have to go for skid pad revision at bedok this saturday.

Sometimes, there are things in life that we want, but we just cannot have. Why is that. We try so hard, but this is so much that we will ever get. we will not advance beyond any point which is not meant for us to be at, even if we try our best. we live in a society where effort is hailed king among all, but it is all maybe over rated. talent, flair, affinity beats everything and effort is merely the catalyst. effort is required for anything even going to the toilet for a piss, but end of it all, hardwork doesn't really result in anything, for most people.

I have match phobia.

it's the last day of June. July is here. Alright, July rocks because it's closer to 2011. I am really quite happy everything the middle digit on the date changes for the better. I will have to start worrying about my bleak future very soon. My energy for piano is diminishing by the minutes. I don't know why but I don't seem to be able to get myself to practice. I've been running a lot and in one weekend I can run over 20 km but i cannot even sit down to let my fingers run for awhile. Pathetic. I feel so ashamed of myself.

Sometimes, I wonder if I will freak out on my examination date. Sometimes, I wonder if I am as talented as I think I am. Maybe in sports, not so. I am freaking afraid of a basketball, I cannot really play captain ball and my badminton is really half-baked. Maybe music is my thing after all. But I cannot really do anything impressive with the piano. I enjoy it and perhaps until now it is one of the few things that can make me happy. happiness, which more often turns to damn frustration when I cannot get a passage right. timing, above all, is also crucial and i always mess that up. SUCKS. I am feeling so demoralized.

My social life is failing. It has been always this way. but i feel so alone sometimes. I have things to occupy me but I dread the end of the year. Christmas season. I have a feeling that this year will be totally opposite from last year. not that I miss you, but I really had a great time last year. the only consolation is that ORD is much closer.

I have to leave soon. I really have a lot up my mind, a lot to sort out. And in the meanwhile, i will just stall on, run on. And pretend to fire when I have a freaking empty magazine and no ammo.