the missing fire

I stayed at home the whole day. eyes glued to my DS. yes, that game is addictive so what. feeling lethargic now and feeling super useless. the piano calls, but i never find enough motivation to go downstairs to practice. i've lost it. motivation, the so called fire that keeps me burning. i'm sick and tired of the pieces i'm playing. i'm sick of plowing through those notes.

my eyes are sore and I am feeling dizzy from playing too much puzzle games. omg, vertigo! curse myself. i should be spending my time more wisely, that was what i thought. it's july soon and I can really see ORD coming. but wait, my future is uncertain. I want to retake Alevels but I imagine myself being like this at home for most of the time. can I really study? can i really pull myself through? Will I end up playing games or doing nothing for most of the time. what's more, my brain probably rotted so much in the past 1 year plus of national service. what's left for me.

sometimes, i will find myself lonely. i will catch myself off guard and ask myself "am I lonely". what do I really hope for. I cannot find the answer. that damn answer. sometimes have you been with a large bunch of seemingly good friends and then abruptly everything was flushed to the background and you ask yourself, " what the freaking heck am I doing here ". then in the flushed background you hear people laughing, giggling and in all that warm mess of friendship you could no longer relate or associate yourself to. then you find yourself lonely even with the greatest friends ever.

maybe the saying that " in solitude, where we are least alone" is quite true.

I never really had the affinity with good friendship. or what they call being bonded with a clique. I always had to TRY. I had to try to be friends with people. there are so little people I can have fun with.

Night runs are so cool. I love it. the feeling of feeling healthy. and the thoughts that run through my mind as I pant, pant and pant somemore. the feeling of helplessness, yet having to continue. that is the feeling that running brings me. uselessness, helplessness, meaningless miles and meters. and the end, it is a mystery to why it is just all so fun. maybe friendship is just like this.

I am quite sick and tired of life. Secretly afraid of the challenges and painful times ahead. it's not that I hate life. my life is actually not bad now. my dad says I should sometimes just learn to lie down and relax and not think about anything at all. but it's just so weird, so painfully weird, so undeniably painfully weird.

it just seems like, I dont' really feel happy. or more of, it takes a lot to make myself happy. I haven't been really happy in awhile. i wonder why. there is this plainness to my emotions. i get upset more easily. but happiness is now quite rare an emotion to experience.