F.H.L.D

I can't believe it but these 4 letters seems too cool to be an acronym. too cool indeed. it sounds like something classified, the ring to it sounds perfectly cool. but it's NOT. it's so not.

Formation.Healthy.Life.Style.Day.

A simple 16km run. and a lot of complications and troubles just to organize it. and the benefits? only two days off! Just on the day itself, we were deployed as marshalers at like 2am, and we had to stay there ALONE until the run started and ended. that is a good four to five hours of feeding mosquitoes. and this is not any simple run on the simple road which cars drive on, it goes into forests that resemble those training areas you have at field camp or equivalent. I had the luxury of being deployed at a water point with tables which I could sleep on. but my poor mates were unlucky enough to be stuck in the middle of the jungle as mosquito food and replying on newspaper to make their floor bed. awesomely pathetic. I benefitted from an all round mosquito coil protection which the other company's water point people had set up and therefore suffered closed to zero attacks. awesome.

Last week was epic tiring. tuesday I spent an entire afternoon digging sand bags, filling potholes in the epic hot sun. i was baked i could swear. nothing could ameliorate the pain of having to fill almost close to hundreds of sand bags non stop and having to carrying them up and down the jeep to fill uncountable holes in the group. the smaller cracks weren't spared. the slightest hole have to be even filled! it was so hot that I got a bad burn by the end of the evening. 100 plus were in abundance but they didn't really help. I still made it a point to gym at the end of the day followed by a rewarding good night's sleep at night.

Tiring week. I had almost zero sleep last night. I only managed to steal quite some nap time from sleeping on the GS table. cool. listening to my mp3 player, while i'm lying on my bag, in the middle of a deserted road at midnight, looking straight at the moon. I forgot what i was listening to, but it was very calm, and it made me feel so soothed. but the sleepiness and fatigue started to kick in soon enough and i couldn't enjoy the weirdness of sleeping on a table in the middle of a road. epic.

I can't really describe how it felt like waiting to go back to bunk while waiting for something to happen. it's like forever waiting for something to happen. you're sitting in a 5 tonner crammed with your fellow friends. you're wet, your friend is wet too. everyone is wet and you just sit there like a cock, trying to absorb as much sleep as you can. your head swells with some throbbing pain from the lack of sleep as you wiggle your soaked toes. it is really drenched isnt it. the cold wind blows once again when you're about to enter sleepy land. and this time, you pop your head up. nothing is happening. just waiting...waiting...waiting.

then you check your phone. it's 9. then the next moment, it's 10. time sure didn't fly because you probably entered dream and exited dream for like a million times already. but time didn't do all your pain justice. you just waited. then you hear orders to load up some random crap. you go and do it. hoping the freaking tonner would move. then you load back up and no, it AIN"T moving. you sit there in painful agony again for like a million seconds.

and then, finally. they say they have orders. you receive orders that you guys are awaiting another 5-tonner to come from company line. and then once it comes, you load up a bit more stuff and you can go back and have your lunch. by then, your stomach aches and gastric juice swells up. the coldness, and the gastric pandemonium arouse more impatience from within. you are still frustrated that your sleeevs aren't dry and the fact that you try to sleep while leaning on your sleeps make your face wrinkled with rain water.

for the ten thousandth time your stomach growled. and you're just waiting. things start to become less clear and you can't really process information properly. you just are waiting for something that ain't going to happen soon. you imagine the people cocking up the procedures at the company line. people who are happily eating lunch at the cookhouse and cannot leave to fetch you guys because they haven't finish the last grain on their plate on their comfortable DRY seat. or maybe the driver who is still sleeping in his bunk. it's all about waiting huh. very well. let's wait. an endurance game it became.

that was how i spent like this morning with almost zero sleep and wet underpants and wet socks.

well. this sucks. FHLD sucks.

uneventful sunday

I watched Inception yesterday. I could understand the hype all about this show. It is indeed, great. Brilliant I would say. It is a definite must watch and potentially a must watch twice too. You probably would gain more insight on the 2nd watch. I haven't got the luxury of a second viewing but I am really intending to. the show is at times confusing but the rate of producing new and complex information surpasses the resolution of current mysteries. this is a film of it's own rules and it's own set of physics and possibilities and therefore, we have to really pay attention to the hints dropped here and there to catch the whole picture. it's like learning a job on the go, not text-book styled learning, but catch the facts (or rules) as the story progress.

I believe there are certainly loopholes in logic, because usually this kind of films tend to create unnecessary exceptions for plot devices. everything converges towards the meaning of the film and sometimes the original intended motive cannot be sustained. However, it is still an intriguing film with not loopholes, but many unexplained things. but it's a good things because these unexplained things are nicely perceived as mysteries or food for thought rather than loopholes.

I personally did not really find the idea of dream within a dream intriguing. I liked the concept of what's real and fake and I find the protagonist's ex-wife (dead and insane) pretty convincing and realistic. I can empathize to how a person can lose his or her mind in such a situation. She may seem insane, or retarded in some ways, but I think our human minds can only perceive that much. anything beyond drives us insane.

the concept of inception is also intriguing because perhaps the film itself as a whole is an inception itself. plant ideas into people's mind, let them grow and make them think it's their own. pretty interesting. it's a pretty obvious, everyday thing which we never really observe because usually it's root cannot be traced. ideas define us. and that is the true nature of influence. this is perhaps how people change everyday-under the effect of inception. but in this case, inception is a much more deliberate attempt, which suggests the cunning/manipulative nature of mankind. Everyday, we use such things. we try all sorts of things, to gain favor and attempt to orchestrate things and people to our likings. Inception, is just a cooler/more fiendish way of putting it.

Overall. good food for thought. A pretty decent sci-fi with a pretty good ending which is intensely controversial. this leaves a lot room for discussion. but end of it, we have to bear in mind that we are thinking (or left thinking) what the creator of inception intended us to. So end of it, it doesn't matter if he was dreaming or not because the show itself isn't real. It shows us that we can choose to believe our own reality. pretty much one of the more macroscopic effects of the film itself.

It's been quite sometime since I wrote quite a bit for a movie.

Back to reality,

Sunday was uneventful. One phone call, and swoosh, back to good Ol' seletar. hanging around in office the whole day waiting for things to happen or the legendary dismissal timing. (been so long since i heard the term dismissal because nowadays everything is about booking out. i fear for my uni life, i think i need a civilian conversion course!). It's pretty sad how they burn my weekends. I slept nearly only about 3 good hours last night up till now I feel tired.

A hot topic within my consciousness these days is how I've changed in the past like 1 year or so since I've enlisted. True, one bonus point is that my tolerance for sleep deprivation has increased about tenfold. I usually find it hard to survive a sleep over in the past, now I can dig a shellscrape the entire night and not sleep till 4pm the next day. Guard duty and late night shifts make me adapt to staying up late because it is certainly child's play compared to walking your good friend and good o'l rifle clad in smelly luminous vest and stinky beret walking around in the dark and playing with that scanner dildo look alike that goes tee-tee at every check point. pretty sad. but still, resistance up! and that's a bonus.

I don't really think I've become much fitter. compared to post, and pre-alevels I am certainly slimmer and fitter now but most of the comments from people are a pre-biased perspective that people become fitter when they enlist and the fats on their chest are muscles and not fats because they must have been knocking it down a lot in army. I am fitter, but not so much. I could be much fitter. but people think army is a place where people become automaticallly fit. that is not true. we still spend the same amount of effort for each push up. the soil in tekong or any other camp does not make it any easier.

I don't like how I am emotionally, or even my perspectives have changed. quite drastically. I am a good boy out of camp but I swear relentlessly in camp. Starting there was resistance not to, but slowly I gave in. Influences. I had my first sip and can of beer (thankfully, only one and only) in camp.

I think I've become very cynical and untrusting. ever since you left. I don't know why. nothing seems right. Ive recovered quite a good deal, my life is normal. I have three active infatuations (yea omg right). but nothing still feels right. happiness is hard to come by. I just look forward to knocking off everyday and going back to bunk and rot there watching videos after I hit the gym once in awhile. Weekends are incredibly lonely sometimes but I choose to dwell in it because sometimes I find it more disappointing to hang out and be disappointed with it. I've become rather unadventurous, timid. I need more life. Where are the day where I wake up feeling empowered, and I book out with you in mind, and just looking forward to see you drives my life, Maybe I should learn to be happy myself first. but after all, there is nothing really to be happy about. because i will only reborn in seven months time.

the annoying barrier

TGIF

Relatively shorter week just passed. Was supposed to be busy but end up we slacked quite a bit because most of our work was taken over by commercial contractors. (apparently that was what we were thought). Next week is finally FHLD (formation healthy lifestyle day) whereby a 16km marathon will be organized and we will be deployed to be marshalers. Now, i hope this event will warrant a 3-4 day off reward for us.

COYline life now is getting pretty retarded. Firstly, Offs are so hard to earn and no longer generous. OC is now forcing everyone to clear offs like no one's business because having more than 10 offs is unthinkable. What to do? in the mid year, they always told us that taking off on days with important events is not allowed, and then slowly even the more useless events became 'important events'. this lead to no one being able to clear any off, and guess what, we get stacked up pile of off days and now they're asking, "why everyone got so many off?" the freaking truth is that because we actually do a lot of shit job and work which got us that kind of magnitude of offs and we did not get to clear them!

Ethics is very important everywhere. But now the company is trying to get us to clear half day every friday. we usually book out at a good 1330 on a friday if we take half day which is like only 3 hours at most earlier than the regular 4 plus book out on a friday. this is so not worth it and they jolly well know it. it's worth it for them, but not for us. it's sucking our offs dry when we could spend it on a wednesday morning and book out and sleep at home for one night. there are so much uses for a half day or one day off. Not to mention, 1 day off is effectively a long enjoyable weekend for most of us. No Ethnics, no care for soldiers. What is this. this just violates 2 major core values in the SAF.

today the rest had EFO (early fall out) and left at 1430 hrs. I stayed back to help out another company for their family day event. trainee company which are going to finish their basic 3 week course at seletar before posting out to various companies. I drove my jeep there and stood there for about 4 hours to answer queries from parents and the trainees themselves. And one of the hottest questions is why do our jeeps have poles sticking at a y=x gradient by the side. (slanted, yes). Some thought it was for spearing purposes. and some thought we fought with it. but fortunately, none of them thought it was used to dry clothes outfield.

After much pestering they finally gave in and gave us 1 day off for the event which I find pretty generous. but it was after much pestering. nowadays, they do not acknowledge our effort and reward us with offs just because we have a lot in our account. and a lot is just a general perception. I am one of those with quite little offs. I have 11 days right now, but my friends have 20 days odd and counting. You cannot charge a rich man 10 dollars for a burger just because he is rich and you cannot pay a rich guy less for the same job just because he needs the money less. this is so wrong and unfair!

I guess this weekend will be short. it's late. midnight. fatigue is setting in. I am feeling really hyped up about sleeping. I have much to comment, much more. but i'll leave it for tomorrow.

lucky

I just took my FTT. it's pretty lame how they sit you down in front of a computer and make you do questions which can't be studied for. some weird questions with arguable options. example. B and C seems correct and it's to anyone's discretion to which is the more correct answer. doing a controversial MCQ is so not appealing. it's nice how we get our results freaking the moment after we finish. I finished the 50 question saga in about less than 15 minutes. the duration of the test was about 50 minutes and i assume and when i checked my watch at the designated end time I was already at home and mind you, I took the train, bus and walked. I passed, fortunately. if not I will be cursing and swearing all the way home. it was easy. But what the heck. there were people who finished earlier than me. what's my problem. I'm too slow. and I did not study much. like I said, it can't be studied for. I think I should try to book a driving test around October or November. that means I have to crash course. I'm sure I will be able to get through the first time round.

I took a pretty long nap in the afternoon and i ran 12km again in the evening. Blisters on my foot!

It all seems blur again

Monday morning. Took off to take my FTT. I haven't exactly studied. I actually browsed the guide book, but it seems rather common sense. I guess I'll leave it to my 'common sense' and hope I'll be able to pass with flying colors. I just hope I don't get too stunned with the questions! Maybe I'll read it again later for a bit. I'm about to leave home soon. But just let me pen down my thoughts. (or keyboard it down for this matter).

I didn't run nor practice much piano yesterday. Damn the rain, and damn the afternoon nap. was feeling rather uncomfortable the whole day. restless, restless. and I kept having the spinning sensation of needing to go to sleep. no so good eh. I'm short on mileage. Damn it. I got a feeling I will somehow run less in July than in June. Nvm, see how things goes.

Next week I hope there will be a lots of battalion runs, evenings to gym, maybe nights out on thursday and EFO on friday. that is all that I am asking for =p. Ain't I greedy.

Oh yes. I am unofficially out of inter-formation badminton training. In fact, I never went because I think the higher ups cocked up the email or something. I've been receiving a lot of SMS about trainings but apparently my superiors have never heard of it. either they are IGNORING it but I heard it's about training commitments in lieu of upcoming ex.claymore. (which is like so soon, so excited!)

I haven't updated my ipod with new videos nor my DS with games. Man, I am going to so rot in bunk next week. And I realized last week, I spent a lot of time lying on my bed. I probably am sick of my current playlist. Damn.

Cold, meaningless nights

I practiced piano. I ran 12 km. It was a fruitful saturday. I'm on Mob manning and they haven't called me. Safe! but I sincerely hope they don't mob us tomorrow.

It's late. I haven't been running much the previous week. But last week was more static/gym intense. I plan to run another 12km tomorrow and maybe another 12km on monday evening. runs are so fun, and it leaves me with a good sense of satisfaction. it's probably a weird meaning to life. I plan to get fitter, and much fitter. I want to push my limits and probably run the 42km with good timing sometime in the future. (maybe not so soon). I still struggle with 10+km. though anything below 10 is now a walk in the park.

Piano. My exam repertoire is showing shape. My beethoven is almost complete. I started on a new Scarlatti today because I got sick of Bach and decided to swap pieces. this one seem so much easier! Liszt is getting solid each time I practice and it's probably the only playable repertoire I have right now.

We're closer to claymore now. Really closer. Next two weeks will probably preparation for the upcoming timor barat marathon which we are organizing. more picking up litter, route prep and etc etc. and on the day itself, we're probably gonna be deployed at the wee hours to be marshallers. and of course, at the same time become mosquito food. Half of July has just passed. now it's about 9 working days to August. Sweet.

It's a cold night. I feel cold both inside and outside. but there is a warm fuzzy feeling. maybe it's of intense meaninglessness or perhaps it's some meaning inside me. but all I know, is that tomorrow I want to play the piano, and I want to run. that is my aim. and FTT is on monday so I probably have to read up a little. and hope i'll pass. i'm too lazy. I actually brought the book into camp and failed to read it at all.

tomorrow I have to gym too. =p

Black clouds

Just came back from a long week without nights out and two duties. I spent a lot time rotting in bed from pre-guard rest, guard rest and post-duty rest. I laze a lot actually. gym-ed and worked out pretty quite a lot and we had to shift metal cupboards down 6 floors. epic work out! tiring. coupled with countless store runs and pretty much menial tasks and misc work that involve burning down a termite nest in our very own hangar.

It's mid july. Hooray anyone? About 6 weeks from the long awaited Ex.claymore and following which is ORD-aura.

I've been pretty tired recently. I'll save the rest for tomorrow's post.

this time of the year

I told my brother I hope his promos would come soon. I told my other brother that I hope he could become sec 3 soon. I told the calender I wanted Christmas here soon. If these events come, it means I'm just a whisker away from ORD.

Just wandering around the internet makes me realize that the current batch in BMT is going to be posted to my camp soon. It was almost exactly one year ago when that happened to me. From Tekong to Seletar was a big big transition. From Jaguar to Alpha, retarded changes and Alpha Coy was one of the most depressing moments in NS up till now. Seeing people get their posting, and realizing that we're all one whole year ahead of them makes me feel good. it's bittersweet actually.

Next week I would be staying back in Company line to do guard duty while the rest go out on Ex.CSH which stands for Combat Support hospital (or something like that). It's a combat medic exercise but we're supporting it. Outfields, after outfields. I can foresee myself being quite free. And I am definitely going to stock up my Ipod with videos and my DS with games before I book in tonight. No choice. And I got my book for Final theory test. I probably will study this week. If I don't, then it must be because I am too lazy.

the first week of July is over. Very soon, July will be over. Upcoming events include a MOB manning which span about 2 weekends. maybe one more outfield, and lots and lots of annoying training. I just hope there's no more parades or whatever. I want to quickly go for Claymore and when I come back, it will be slack and slack slack. I can settle down and embark on the things I want to do.

On one hand I have a lot to do, but yet sometimes I harp at the meaninglessness of life and these things which I am embarking on. Oh what great irony! Hoho. I manage to revive a little energy for piano. I haven't had lessons for THREE whole weeks. I need to show my teacher something good next week. I probably won't get nights out next week so I have to practice extra hard this week. I'm done with most of the repertoire for my program, and now I have the flexibility to decide what I want to change out of my recital. Some pieces are good to play through once but it's a little tedious to master because it gets BORING after awhile. It's like the Bach which I am playing. I cannot get down to play it again considering I forgot most of the notes.

I want to get fit. but digging a shellscrape without sleep in the middle week is not good for momentum. running and exercise requires alot of momentum. seriously. I felt weak on wednesday and thursday last week. And I was being a big fat sloth for friday and saturday. I only got today to redeem myself. How sad. I haven't been running in like FIVE whole days. (talk about getting fit, it's such an uphill task!). I blame the outfield. And next week, I have no partner to go running in camp because the rest are going outfield. Damn it.

Piano. Fitness. Driving. (and I want to learn the cello!), I want to play my brother's violin accompaniment. I want to watch many many shows. I want to start playing the games I downloaded. I have so much to do. Shame on you Tay Yi for saying that life is meaningless.

I feel invigorated for abit here. I am going to run later (PLEASE shoot me if I don't). If NS was going to change most of me, the part which I want to survive is my love for classical music and piano. Please, don't take it away!

Midnight

Yawn. I'm supposed to be asleep and I'm not up to catch the world cup fever. I just happen to be wandering around the net while suffering reluctance to go to bed in peace.

I would not say today was a horrible day. In fact, I felt rather undisturbed for most of today. time passed very quickly somehow because I wasn't aware of what I was doing most of the time. slacking around actually. using the com, playing a bit of piano and so on. made me realize that maybe i can be just happy relaxing around. being able to relax isn't an easy thing. to be able to do whatever you want and waste your time away is surely a gift and I have come to learn that.

I would say that I am rather unhappy with my life right now. because it is merely a transition period. I have my Final theory test for driving up one monday away from the next and after that I will get to book my driving test even though I haven't got a driving instructor yet. Sometimes I see people my age or younger pass and flaunt their license. C'mon I've driven on the expressway about for a thousand km. It's not that I can't drive. it's that I'm blocked by a series of rules and regulations which prevent me from driving.

It's exactly 8 months from now.

And suddenly I have the urge to go back to BMT again. I wonder why.

FML

Saturday morning. just cancelled on my piano teacher. Did not practice at all this week because of no nights out. this sucks. my mind is in a mess. a lot up my mind, and a lot of suppressed emotions.

I had a dream. A dream whereby I manage to talk to you again and ask you the questions I've always wanted to ask. It felt so real and I woke up missing you SO BADLY. I don't know. It's been 5 months. I still miss you and I'm still alone. I've always thought once I find someone else I would forget about you. true, I try to recall about the nights we quarrel and the mornings I wake up feeling so uneasy because I feel sorry and I want to quickly apologize. I can't remember what we were fighting about. there are still so many things I want to ask you. I wonder if I ever will see you again (or hear your voice again). Maybe it's just cause I feel so damn it alone. FML.

I remember the sucky mornings when I woke up at 4am+ to draw rifle for some shit. I wake up, with you in mind. Keeping you in mind eased all the painful stuff which I had experience. it was useful, at least. to have someone to think about and pleasant memories to think about when you're in shit ( for example, digging a shit hole in the middle of the night with no sleep at all). You were somebody which gave me strength and I just wanted to be with you. But now. I woke up at the wee hours. it's all dark, and there's nobody to think of. I feel alone. I feel scared. I feel as if why am I doing all these. And weekends I just go home to sleep. I feel happy at small things sometimes, but I never get the big picture kind of happy. something is so lacking from my life. and maybe that is you.

I don't know. Army life is getting worst. Going to claymore soon. regimentation getting shit worst. politics start to make life complicated and messy. there's really nothing but a blank canvas with the word shit written on it. SHIT. life is shit. and I am really unhappy.

Stagger on

This weekend. Over just like that. Weekend come, weekend go. Next week will be a busy one. But I kind of look forward to a busy week because time will fly!

Skid pan yesterday was a joke. They did not indent jeeps for us so we had to familiarize ourselves with the ancient land rover which we eventually drove and e-braked in some puddle of water. it was really quite lame. because we spent an entire saturday afternoon for just 2 rounds of braking. Procedures, procedures and training doctrines which don't make any sense! And they gave us half day off on friday in compensation for that. How lame. not worth it at all!

Speaking of driving. I think it will be some time before I can get my civilian license.

The civilian instructor my parents engaged for me is rubbish. Full of crap. I was scheduled to have a 2nd lesson with him on a thursday night where I was supposed to have book out. but training program cocked up and I ended up having my combat shoot which dragged till midnight. I texted him that afternoon to tell him Im canceling my lesson. And not only did that bugger call me when I was in the middle of fragging a figure 12, he called me the following day wanting to charge me half price for that last minute cancelled lesson. WHAT THE HECK!

He told me I should have told him a day before. But what to do? He told me to contact him on that thursday afternoon to arrange the timing. I never confirmed any timing nor any slot with him. Bugger.

I was already quite hesitant to continue lessons because of his aggressive tone on the phone and plus I was already semi pissed because I miss 1 or 2 shots with the handphone ringing below my LBV while in live-range. the following week, I was about to give him another chance but I was rather tired from a week in camp so I wanted a break for the weekend. He called me to arrange for a lesson. He wanted me to have a lesson on that saturday afternoon he called. I said I wasn't free, and he actually asked me WHY. then he asked for sunday and I said I wasn't free and that bugger won't give up either, he asked me why again. I was starting to get suspicious. Aren't driving instructors normally quite booked with students. He actually had to time to infiltrate into my personal space. So desperate.

It will be hard for me to find a suitable instructor. I have some sort of a pride. If I have no driving experience, I don't expect to be treated with respect. I am like a dirt noob learning driving for the first time. but please, I've driven about a thousand km on the public road. I've driven on the expressway like a million times. So don't treat me like a freaking Loser plate. I am a qualified driver. Just that I have to waste my time to convert my license. So driving instructors should some sort respect me. Whether I drive well or not, it is my lack of ability to adapt to the civilian vehicle. after all, I passed at SAF standards and I am by right, a higher qualified driver than anyone who has a civilian license. i passed with stricter regulations.

Sigh. I think it will all be KIV-ed till post-claymore.

July beckons.

Cloudy, rainy, busy

So the weekend is here again. But I got to go to SAF driving circuit for some Skid pan shit later. I don't even know why, and what I am going to do, nor what time I will be officially released. but it's right smack in the middle of the weekend and it sucks. but thankfully, I have nothing much to do on a saturday afternoon except laze around as it pours so maybe it's okay. plus, i get to visit one nostalgia of a place. that might be nice.

I ran 10.5km yesterday which gave me a big blister on the feet due to weird alignment of my socks to my feet. it was actually quite painful. then followed by ass crack abrasions which suck. and then there's the pants mark abrasion. I don't know why but I wonder if it's cause my skin is too thin which makes me super susceptible to abrasions of all things. I remember back then in BMT when we had route marches and I wasn't worried a single bit of the fatigue but those damn abrasions. Maybe I should just shave of all the excess hair on my body.

the next couple of weeks gonna be busy. deployment next week, and route march! predicted no nights out for next week, nor much breathing time. I actually enjoy stay in nights in camp whereby talk cock+(maybe) canteen + gym and finally lazing in bed watching videos or playing games until I fall asleep. the term admin time doesn't apply to us. every time is admin time except when you have activities. but the amount of activities is increasing by the day, so I guess it's just going to get busier and busier.

I actually lie in bed nowadays and thinking a lot about the future. Somehow, 8 months is not really short, but it's not long. I can see the shape of the island from the ship we're on. the fog is there, but slowly but surely and swiftly, we can see our destination. Very soon, we will dismount and then life on the new island will start to make us think.

Please. give me some meaning for now.