Stop to think

This weekend, short one. Tiring week ahead, extremely tiring week before me. It's really exhausting. But the gratification and satisfaction is there, which is very rewardingly satisfactory. Because end of the day, when people acknowledge your hard work, even if it's simple praises or exaggerated ones, it still brightens the day.

It's peaceful now. Rather. Knowing what to expect and knowing things are certain for awhile makes me feel secure. I know I have this to do next week and what to do the following week. I feel rather stable. And then knowing that I have no significant battles against the sacred freedom of choice in the upcoming weeks is somewhat relieving.

I'm at the point where I doubt love, blame love, hate love. Because I start to feel lonely, scared and fatigued. It's at the point where you enjoy the peace, but yet there is this tingling entanglement in one's heart. the urge to tell you, " hey you need to settle down again". it's a single's prompting. The innate urge to find someone to hug, to find someone to kiss, to find someone to engage in more intimate acts with. Someone to bond your own heart with. Some people get this urge more. And some people includes me.

Sometimes, I wonder if I just love being in a relationship for the sake of it. But I'm so scared. But I still love it. It's like a love-hate relationship. Bittersweet, or comforting yet painful at the same time. Because what you cannot protect is not yours. There are people like me, who are weak, who become insanely dependent on their partners when they get too emotionally attached. it's as if you cannot breathe without them. it's if, you want to know what they are doing at every point of time. it's to the point where both of you live together in an airless container. you can take it, but can she? If I want to hug, I want to hug tightly, with all my might. But who can withstand that crumbling force?

Being scared. And translating that into actions. Is that a crime? It comes across as possessive? But then, once again, trust in relationships is important. Yes. I agree. But do you agree that when you cross the road, you somewhat trust that drunk drivers do not exist. If you crossed the road once, and a reckless driver had to emergency brake in front of your poor little toes, tossing you to the ground, lightly wounded. Do you think crossing the road will be that simple to you ever again?

Relationships, thankfully, aren't like cars. they won't kill you. they will just drive you nuts, drive you to do stupid things.

If the day comes whereby I can date comfortably. to have her, but not desire her so much. to be there, but not there. half-fucked (as what they call it in army). to love her, but not feel the desire to call her every moment. I don't know what kind of love is that. held back love? half cocked love? half baked love? If I can love to a point, to a stage where a cheating partner doesn't bother me, or hurts less than a rampaging train crashing unto my chest, then maybe I'll call myself stable. Because, I want to love, and yet I want to stay safe. It's as if you want to swim without getting wet. it's not impossible. because relentless, aggression, and bravery is part of love. I don't want to get hurt again. But it is inevitable.

I will be brave. When the time comes. I will face it again.

Good things come to an end

My long weekend is over!

Next one is in two weekend's time. Hopefully I can take off on monday to make it a longer weekend.

In my utmost humble opinion, 3 day weekends are optimal. 4 day weekends are nice, but a little too long. 5 day weekend makes you feel like a emo kid when it's over. So I propose a nice 3-4 day weekend would be nice. I should keep this theory in mind when taking and clearing off/leaves towards the great day of ORD. But of course, in any case, the more the merrier-esp when it's free.

I really dread the next two weeks. Parade weeks! Mass parade in SBO rifle. this is going to be so sucky. Waking up early just to draw arms from an armskote about 1km away is so nasty. Lack of sleep!

And the major point of this post is that I haven't been exercising in one week! no run, no PT, no static, no gym. nothing. I feel terrible.

Last (almost) week of March. It's going to hit April soon! I feel happier as every week go by. 51 more weeks. Time is going to fly!

It's been awhile

Seeing my brothers both dressed in Monday Blues Suit up (school uniform) scratching their sleep deprived sleepy head and anime white eyes, I can't help it but cuddle back into my bed and then feeling this oh so neglected feeling of paradise. Sleep in monday mornings are the best!

I woke up at approx 10am. Pretty late. Considering I've already broken my 545 am body clock system for three days straight (usually don't get a chance because of short weekends or whatsoever) 

I bought a new Ipod touch. My old one is currently with my bunk mate. Condition? Well, it's 8Gb 1st generation Ipod without any Apps. It's slow and laggy. gotta admit Im not really a fan of trading in. I just got a new 32Gb one. At least right now I am fully loaded with entertainment for those stare at the ceiling moments in camp. What's in my new Ipod? Currently only maybe a few episodes of Big Bang theory and a couple of movies, and some Nodame. that's about it. 

Music wise, I haven't really got the time to update. this weekend was spent tweaking bit torrent and getting familiarized to converting files for ipod. Ive got to say that things are going pretty well!

Ive just completed my Bach Partita!

train to nowhere thoughts

It's a lazy sunday morning. I don't particularly know why I'm feeling upset. (it's YOU, it must be). It's like a relapse thunder shock. When I go out, I see couples hugging on the escalator, I can't help it but feel a tinge of resentment. Now ( I suspect ), you're kind of avoiding me. Busy? I doubt so. You just don't give a damn anymore huh. I'm thinking too much. You hardly answer your phone, you hardly text back. You probably can see a text from me and totally feel nothing/ignore it. I can't help it but feel hurt even though it ought to not matter anymore. It won't change anything, but it will make me feel better if you still think of me once in awhile. 

I just texted you to see if you would call back. I hope you would. I said I have stuff to say. Would that make you curious? Is someone telling you not to care about me and just ignore me. I really am resisting the 20 miss calls things. Why things have to turn out this way?

Once upon a time, a girl told me she would never leave me. We held hands and talked about lasting till marriage. We even discussed our children's name. If anything, it would only be stronger, was what she said about her feelings. Now things have changed. No matter how secure I felt, it didn't matter. Some girls have problems with making their man feel secure, but this girl, she made me feel so special. And this girl was you. I thought you were the one, I really thought so.  Damn it, I really thought so.

How can I trust anymore? I always ask myself this. The next girl that comes along and holds my hand. I really cannot help it but start to question the stability of everything. People say relationships are not meant to be rushed. but who is it to say what is rushing and what is not. People can start a marathon sprinting, and then just maintain a decent pace later on. It's competency and aggression. 

I don't know how things are going to be. 

I'm still waiting for you to call me. Somehow I want to believe you just don't check your phone so often because there's no text or call to wait for.

Being in camp makes me feel so much better because, first, I forget about you entirely. It's almost like another dimension. But of course, the lack of freedom problem makes me feel suffocated once in awhile. Lack of sleep can come in handy because I'll be desperately finding loopholes and time to just take a quick nap. When basic needs are not met, there is no time to think about such luxurious stuff. To even wallow in pity over a break up is actually luxury compared to struggling to make ends meet. I concede to this point. It's only when everything is well, and everything is fine when people start to think about love, or lack thereof.

there's still a pretty long stretch before ORD. After which, I must retake my A'levels. It's going to be tough because I am alone. No school, no supervision, nothing. It's for my future, and pride. Because I know I can do much better than that. Seriously. this one remaining year is to sort out my stuff. sort out my emotions. mature myself, better myself. and put all the past behind. when my time's up, I will go all out.

I really don't know what to do if you don't call back. They all say the truth doesn't matter. But there are so much stuff I want to find out. HOW DID it turn out like this. Weren't we supposed to be happy. It's too late, you've changed. 

Does it even matter anymore

I know it very well. You're still in my heart, just that I choose not to think about you. I choose to believe I don't love you anymore. After all, it's been close to 2 months. Excess of time, sure. But I still wake up sometimes wondering how it all turned out like this. When we were together, you made me feel so secure. the way you hugged me, held me, felt as if you needed me so much. as if your world was going to fall apart without me. And that's it, you left, for your own reasons. When I recall those moments, I start to wonder how you're doing. Do you still think of me? Do you forget people that easily?

On a daily basis, I don't really think of you anymore. You're not part of my life anymore. I've been busy anyway, just trying to survive, just trying to not get into trouble. My life is hectic enough. But yet, I still time to think. I just don't want to forget you so soon. Because I know, if I control myself well enough, I won't even think of you anymore. I won't even try to call you anymore, and I won't ever see you again. If that's what you want, than maybe I should try.

Sometimes. I start to think, was it really love? Did I really love you? I don't know. I think I did. I must have did. If not I won't be missing you until now. I can hardly remember your facial expressions nor the way you hugged me. But I can remember the places we visited, I can remember things that you say. But you seem to have changed. the way things are going, I'm really going to forget you. I don't want that.

I don't understand so many things anymore. But I somehow feel that if we go out sometime later the sparks will fly again. At least for me, I don't know about you. Maybe you have completely moved on. Maybe you work differently from me or maybe I work differently from the rest of the world. i know we've hurt each other. Do you think we have a chance? I feel like telling you that I think we do. I really think we do. 

Lying on my bunk bed at night, I used to feel so helpless. Now I feel perfectly fine. Day by day, things are changing slowly. I start to look forward to the new person that will enter my life. But I really really don't wanna forget you so soon.

I'm just a little wired weirdly

A week full of hooking up with fellow males (literally), our arms and legs all entangled in weird obscene positions, some vulgar, some plain retarded. A week that was sometimes painful, sometimes wet from perspiration. Close combat training, at intermediate level was bearable, wasn't so hard, but guess what. I, yes, ore-sama, failed it. 

Absurd. Just because of one particular lock which I happen to suffer psycho-motor problems. I failed a whole grading test of like 16 other moves whereby the other 15 I have them quite well rehearsed in my head. One for all, and all for one. Thats what they say. 

It's not funny. I am rather pissed. But it's alright. I've learnt to not take things so hard. On another day, I might have just sulked the entire weekend. But hey, failure is part and parcel of life. 

Seems like things are changing in camp, or at least I have a feeling things are going to be different soon. I'm on leave this monday (forced by the way). I booked out very late today (about 8pm) and it's Friday night. I injured my thumb so no piano tonight, I can barely grapple with the intense concentration required to stay awake. I'm sleepy, so as to speak. I did guard duty again last night to make it the fourth this month. (and no, I didn't sign any informal punishment YET).

It's one year mark. I've almost been hit by a few bullets. but i'm still alive and kicking. it's only about a year's worth of bounds left to overrun my imaginary foe. 

Sometimes, everyday life is now like a battlefield. At every conscious recognition of your own existence, you just heave a sigh of relief that you haven't been shot by a stray bullet. You pray that nothing will hit you. You see your neighbor get hit by a stray falling branch and then die from bleeding, a horrible stupid way to die. You see dead bodies everywhere. People who have died bravely, they have charged forward and then only to realize that they have tripped over a fallen branch and then get their faces poked by a stray bayonet. You see, everything is random. 

Sometimes, things happened may not be your fault. it may be just plain shit luck. war is just like that. Everyone is so worried that they die from cancer but they innocently cross on the green man and a drunk driver runs them down. the challenge is to find some source of peace, amongst the chaos. there is no such thing as relief from pandemonium. Because you may just be a old wise man with white hair and white beard just waiting in such peaceful serenity, gazing out into the horizon, reflecting on every of your own glorious adventures. and just when you think that Earth has stopped in a very peaceful position, you choke on a fish ball and you immediately check out. 

Sometimes. does the truth matter? Does pride matter. If pride doesn't matter, reputation doesn't. Like a domino, many things won't matter anymore. If your superior is wrong, will you correct him? Will you insist that you are right, and risk getting your backside poked at some other sharp bend in life? Will you perform a takedown on someone you dislike when you know it's going to hurt both of you. What is a winning battle anyway? Does it even exist. 

2nd year soldier

I'm blogging with the permissions system in place. That means effectively I am only talking to myself. It's Saturday morning. Chill, weekend. That's cool but I have prowling duty tomorrow, which means my weekend is shortened by (again, effectively) fifty percent. Not cool, but I don't mind. On average, we do weekend duties about once a month and weekdays about 2-3 times more. This is a very harsh schedule we have in place because our unit has somehow imbalanced specialist to pioneer ratio. 

This week. While the rest were on Exercise, we basically (those left behind) did nothing. Played chinese chess under air conditioned environments, played handheld games, but did quite an excess of guard duties by the night. We were mostly sleeping by the morning, playing around noon and duty again at night. That was the schedule for last week. But it still beats being trapped in the rain and carrying an excess of stores under the moonlight at some remote jungle in Singapore. 

Schedule is going to be packed. for the whole next week it's close combat training (intermediate) and the following two weeks are parade rehearsals and (of course) actuals. Waking up early to travel one hour to another camp, rehearse for the whole day under the baking sun, return back to bunk way past bed time. deprivation of sleep, energy, and overexposure to sunlight, deprivation of nights out etc etc is so not good. 

What's worst is that another exercise commences after the 2 week long parade saga. And that takes us to mid april already (my birthday!). the next four weeks is going to be really tough. I really do pray I have the strength to get through all that unscathed. 

The occasion today is rather special. Today is enlistment day-cum-ORD day and of course being a second year soldier pretty much defines that I am stuck right in between the mid point between those oh so significant dates. At least I know what to expect for the next one year to come. 

//end casual NS rant

Somethings, are better left forgotten. Sometimes, I wake up missing you. but then, it's been almost two months since I last saw you and about one week less than that when we separated. it's tough initially. it's getting better but I still get that occasional thunder shock in my heart. I know I am supposed to be rock resistant now, but it's not exactly the case. I don't yearn for you, I don't miss you terribly. but it is that occasional shadow of your smile and you hugging my waist that could send trembling down my spine. sometimes, I am in a daze when this happens to me. because there are so many things I want to tell you, but I somehow forget that you are not obliged or may not be interested to hear anymore. what's more, we have decided to leave each other's lives for good. I wonder if your wound have healed. I wonder if mine have healed. I wonder if we meet how will it be like. Actually, I don't want to know. I don't want to meet you, it is actually a very complex paradox in my heart right now. 

But all I know is that I've had enough emotional trauma and drama. Recently I've discovered the existence of peace. If you don't eat you cannot have food poisoning. If you don't climb the cliff you cannot fall. If you don't love you cannot hurt. Prevention is better than cure. Thats what they all say. 

Sometimes, I see my troubled bunk mate pace up and down the corridor discussing something important over the phone with such a distressed face. (probably a quarrel with his significant other). And that's when I look at him and in him I see a mirrored reflection of myself. When my friends are just winding down and settling into their cuddly beds just having the rest for the tomorrow-indulging in casual conversations, watching movies, playing games like there's no tomorrow. some of us choose to be bonded to bondage. to always have that special someone to call. that person's problem becomes your problem and both of your problems become your problem too. 

I lay in bed missing you, thats true. But somehow, I really like the peace.