train to nowhere thoughts

It's a lazy sunday morning. I don't particularly know why I'm feeling upset. (it's YOU, it must be). It's like a relapse thunder shock. When I go out, I see couples hugging on the escalator, I can't help it but feel a tinge of resentment. Now ( I suspect ), you're kind of avoiding me. Busy? I doubt so. You just don't give a damn anymore huh. I'm thinking too much. You hardly answer your phone, you hardly text back. You probably can see a text from me and totally feel nothing/ignore it. I can't help it but feel hurt even though it ought to not matter anymore. It won't change anything, but it will make me feel better if you still think of me once in awhile. 

I just texted you to see if you would call back. I hope you would. I said I have stuff to say. Would that make you curious? Is someone telling you not to care about me and just ignore me. I really am resisting the 20 miss calls things. Why things have to turn out this way?

Once upon a time, a girl told me she would never leave me. We held hands and talked about lasting till marriage. We even discussed our children's name. If anything, it would only be stronger, was what she said about her feelings. Now things have changed. No matter how secure I felt, it didn't matter. Some girls have problems with making their man feel secure, but this girl, she made me feel so special. And this girl was you. I thought you were the one, I really thought so.  Damn it, I really thought so.

How can I trust anymore? I always ask myself this. The next girl that comes along and holds my hand. I really cannot help it but start to question the stability of everything. People say relationships are not meant to be rushed. but who is it to say what is rushing and what is not. People can start a marathon sprinting, and then just maintain a decent pace later on. It's competency and aggression. 

I don't know how things are going to be. 

I'm still waiting for you to call me. Somehow I want to believe you just don't check your phone so often because there's no text or call to wait for.

Being in camp makes me feel so much better because, first, I forget about you entirely. It's almost like another dimension. But of course, the lack of freedom problem makes me feel suffocated once in awhile. Lack of sleep can come in handy because I'll be desperately finding loopholes and time to just take a quick nap. When basic needs are not met, there is no time to think about such luxurious stuff. To even wallow in pity over a break up is actually luxury compared to struggling to make ends meet. I concede to this point. It's only when everything is well, and everything is fine when people start to think about love, or lack thereof.

there's still a pretty long stretch before ORD. After which, I must retake my A'levels. It's going to be tough because I am alone. No school, no supervision, nothing. It's for my future, and pride. Because I know I can do much better than that. Seriously. this one remaining year is to sort out my stuff. sort out my emotions. mature myself, better myself. and put all the past behind. when my time's up, I will go all out.

I really don't know what to do if you don't call back. They all say the truth doesn't matter. But there are so much stuff I want to find out. HOW DID it turn out like this. Weren't we supposed to be happy. It's too late, you've changed.