today is fly day

Flying off FINALLY tonight, midnight!

Gonna be an exciting, tiring, annoying, full of fun (i hope) 16 days up in thailand! I guess after this trip, I will never complain my annual family vacation is tiring. because there is never a tour trip with digging shell scrape as part of the itinerary! I heard we'll be driving a lot because the land is big, i better brace myself! it's already so hot in singapore! i can't imagine how much of an oven will thailand be.

Just a little morning blues

Woke up with a classic sleep deprivation headache.

Threw my phone like 10 meters away. Anger management issues :(

Pissed off with nothing. Perhaps the uncertainty from flying overseas soon. and reoccurring issues. Damn, hate it.

I go overseas every year, but this one is surely going to be different.

So many things to do when I return. this exercise sets apart my NSF status and NSF-Soon-to-ORD status. I am going to fly up high in that ORD mood when I get back .

things to do (post claymore)

1) Start learning Cello

2) Polish up my Diploma pieces. And finish the last bits of what I have yet to (THIS IS DAMN IMPORTANT!)

3) Get Iphone 4

4) Get a driving instructor, enroll for a test date and get my license as if it's like going to a shopping mall and buying a cup of bubble tea.

5) Fix my router (or get a new one)

Last but not least.

It's about heading towards the end of a 2 year journey full of crap and nonsense but I am relived that I still find time and on my own initiative and passion listen to classical music. my love for the piano is still the same, unwavering and now I am pretty sure, that this is my way of life and I am going to die with rachmanioff's third and second under my belt.

maybe it's just better this way

maybe. I'm just the fool. six whole months, still cannot forget you completely. I'm still desperately calling you time to time hoping you'll pick up. but each time, I am left feeling like a damn fool. Because I am still left wondering, what really happened?

I still remember that hot warm afternoon Saturday where I tossed around in my bed secretly crying under my blanket. You know what, you were the warmest ever. we did fight, we did quarrel, but i was sure, I was so sure of my feelings. And you totally took everything away.

I feel like a loser, a fool. Because I don't think anyone can make me feel so secure, yet betray me so badly at the end. I was so sure that you needed me, but apparently. nope, you just walked away. I know I did mean things. I was devastated, and perhaps fuming mad. Because this is what it feels like to be betrayed, to be left, out of the blue. It was not as if I can see it coming, it was so abrupt. Everything was going well (or at least I think), everything was picking up and when you said, "lets break up".

And then each time a thousand thoughts pierce my mind. I don't believe you now. I did, but now the more I talk sense into myself. You probably had something in your mind. Whether it was decreasing feelings or maybe you just wanted that freedom of choice again, you probably just dropped me an excuse. you were even too afraid to tell me straight in the face. I know, because your actions told me. You told me, you love me when we broke up. And until now, I don't believe you.

I don't know how I got by everyday for 2010. Feb, March, April, May, June, July, August. But all I know is that I get by day by day. Cruel it is definitely because breaking up in army is very painful. With all that hurt in me, I still have no choice but to wake up at 530am and get ready to do 5BX, I still have to do weekend prowls and handle and deal with people everyday almost 24/7. I cannot even show a sign of weakness. But it's true, it's much better. it was like a bitter medicine, biting the bullet because it did heal much faster. I really thank my army pals because they unknowingly cheered me up. Because even scrubbing the toilet bowl made me forget my pain.

Till now, maybe this is the crux of my alone problem. I feel so alone. I feel so desperate NOT because I am a horny prick or I am so emotionally in-need. I feel so lonely, perhaps, because all this while I was trying to fill the void you have left in me. Because sometimes I walk the lonely path out of the gate on a friday evening with a whole weekend ahead of me and I don't feel happy. When I have too many Offs at one go sometimes I wished i have someone to spent the off with me. Sometimes, it didn't matter who. but i know, inevitably I think, if you were still by my side.

So many months have gone by. I already forgot what you smell like, or even look like. I forget so many details, but I still remember the pain. I don';t love you anymore nor do I want to, neither do I want to completely forget you. It's a love-hate thing still. I have almost moved on. it's just the random haunting that sets me totally depressed. and usually something else in life triggers it.

I don't know. it's a pretty tough portion of my life right now. Maybe life will turn out to be better soon enough. that keeps me going. I'm trying to do things, but things aren't going right. I try to play Dota, and epic fail. I embarrass myself. I try to play badminton, and I get slaughtered. the things which I spent hours and hours doing last time, I could hardly justify that right now. Piano is not going very well either. Sometimes, maybe i should stop being so hard on myself and live life as it is.

I haven't really been purely happy recently. Next time is finally summary exercise. Ex.claymore in Thailand. Because this was the subject of conversation between me and her when we dated. how were we going to survive the (then projected) 1 month. right now it's just two weeks. I'm here right now, standing right here and I don't have to go dig a shellscrape on foreign ground worrying about anybody back at home. I feel that that is indeed a blessing. Because I feel free, and that will cause time to past much quicker.

Maybe it's just better this way. Maybe I will find someone else. I will, eventually.

all cuddled up

it's just any other Wednesday afternoon. everything is fine, I hope.

Have you ever looked at your life and felt so under leveled, achieving so much less than what you should be. true. i shall be honest with myself. i am super lonely to the point of desperateness. army friends makes things much better and booking into camp makes me just want to get by and get it over and done with. tough stuff like route march and crappy exercises make my life easier, ironically and paradoxically and counter intuitively because it's like fight fire with fire kind of analogy. I'd rather deal with physical pain than feeling vexed over something so insignificant and non existent. speaking of loneliness. sometimes, i sit on a bus alone and wonder about the empty months spent taking this same bus without someone's head over my shoulder. I start to feel this distinct emptiness. it's not I hate being single. what do single army dudes do anyway. dota their weekends? go clubbing, rest, exercise, hit the gym? that's the standard operations procedures for weekends for people like me. i'm not saying it's bad, and I am having quite the time of my life now (hey, weekends are so stress free!). but what's with this loneliness. By desperate I don't mean by standards are dropping, or I can just randomly pick anyone on the street. it's like wanting that opposite gender company, that bond, and knowing that someone is there with you. and yes, of course, maybe the romance and the need to be loved and to release some of the pent up love in yourself. maybe that's what it's all about. i'm tired of being single. but the right person hasn't come along and i'm tired of waiting.

I realize one's experiences in life define a person. it's hard to trust again once you've been hurt. I know that pretty well. I'm terribly paranoid and cynical at this point of life right now. I tend to go for the kill, then I change my mind because I am afraid of being shot down and dying in the process. I am no longer risk taking, nor adventurous. I am a person who swirls his own mind into circles and circles to the point of misery because of an insensitive comment that people make. My pride is too high and I cannot afford for it to drop. because dropping pride is just equal to being sliced with a knife, or worst.

True. I'm certainly not ready for a serious relationship right now. whether it is financially or emotionally because I am immature. I hurt myself pretty bad unnecessarily. Even if people do not charge at me, I will stab myself first before anything happens. And people's comments can suddenly become a 5.56 round aimed at my head, causing severe emotional bleeding. I am impatient and easily get flustered and my thoughts and actions suddenly will deviate from who I am supposed to be. I am rash and unpredictable, and I quite hate myself for that.

I was all cuddled up into bed and I realized my conclusion was I haven't grown up much.

the deadly sun

standing on the parade square with perspiration trickling every square inch of your body is so not fun. i could feel sweat dripping down my legs, zig zagging across my face, and stinking up every part of my body in the oh makes it so much better no 4. parade week. rehearsals after rehearsals. it's for a change of command parade next monday. it is so not nice. because it is so stinky, uncomfortable and of course, bad for your back and legs. (remember, rifles are slung to us all the time) we can walk for hours, true. but standing for hours is just, pure madness.

tomorrow is rehearsal again. it is so terribly traumatic. i hate it, to be honest. I hate wearing beret and i have to be lucky if i don't get a beret line. my arm has the smart 4 tan line now. i am quite lobster red, ( i was actually ). and I hope i don't have to do a parade ever in my life again. gosh. the trauma.

i am fatigued because i stared into the computer 4 hours straight after returning home from nights out. i'm tired. watched a new show called true blood in camp, it's a vampire show. but it's pretty interesting and tons of sex scenes, which gives some bonus points to any show. the week was fast, but it was never easy. it was torture!

tomorrow is finally friday. TGIF. this weekend I'm so going to watch Liar game and I heard Aftershock is a good, mature show. I really want to watch them. movies for the win. booking out makes me feel like watching movies because it gives me a reason to go out. I haven't been going out much.

I gymed twice this week. i wanted to today but early nights out was tempting. I fell for it and went home instead. my running is so gone case now. and i hate myself. i think i only clocked 4.5km this month. so far. i'm doomed. been sometime since we had battalion life and runs. sucks. running momentum gone. :(

Public holidays FTW

Happy National Day!

Plans for today? Sit here until NDP. too late to do anything already because I just woke up. Had no plans initially. I'll probably catch NDP, and then followed by the oh so routine book in after that. I am so not looking forward to the week ahead. Man, tomorrow was supposed to be Off and wednesday too. :( :( :( and now I will be SBO clad and doing drills on the parade square on possibly scorching hot afternoons. NOOOOOOO.

the last weekend was quite unfruitful. I slept the whole saturday away post dismounting from friday night's duty. we had to prowl with bravo guys (new birds). and possibly our old bird ways possibly scared them a little because we called our sergeant by his name and it was so casual and I even stayed in the guard office to talk cock. At battalion HQ i was tasked to give something to someone while on prowl and I just went into one of the S-es without knocking ( It's not a big fuss) and my dear fellow prowler was very stunned. Omg, how come you never knock door one. man, life as a recruit sucks eh. I'm glad i'm at least old bird mode and going to ord in 7 months!

Wasted Saturday. Sunday I made attempts at reviving my old 10/4. but it still sounds the same (hoping for some improvement but no)

it's monday now. I'm rotting here. just woke up. so bored. nothing to do.

Summarized

I don't know what to say.

Sick now. What a weird time of the day to be up 4:10am. Nicely done.

Been sick up and down the whole week. Managed to evade route march. Did friday sentry duty which was last minute changed to prowler. resulted in me sleeping the whole saturday away after I booked out. I did not even wake up and go back to sleep (unless I forgot that I did, or I was too semi conscious to even remember). I woke up at an amazing 1 am. and now I am unable to sleep and I am having a semi flu now.

My OFF on tuesday and wednesday cancelled because some arrows flew to us again about another change of command parade. Rehearsals, (MANY OF THEM) in SBO again. Sucks. I hate it. and not only did they foil my plans, they are preventing me from clearing off. I know i'm not really going to ORD yet, but apparently it contradicts the SOP and order from OC to clear off because we have too many off in our record.

Bravo recruits came in. 6 of them. And now our platoon have 2 set of men with 2 different sets of privileges and cultures. them, being trainees have to still smart 4 book in/book out. march from point to point. and we just walk around and own time own target canteen breaks from mon-fri. it's cool, but I want them to start doing guard duty soon. Finally, the new men are here. and we're the next in line to ORD. the sergeants who took us for majority of our time and during our course just ORDed last week. we're next in line man! ORD! ORD ORD!

One week of August have passed. August seems like a fast-game month. Very soon, Claymore=GG.

I have a random infatuation on a semi stranger. someone I know, yet whom I don't know. it's so weird. because it's been many many years since i had that "omg the girl of my dreams" kind of feeling. it sucks. but I feel young again.

Movies I want to watch this Month. PCK, Air bender, and finally..LIAR game. omg, I've been waiting for it for so long already.

it's suddenly so quiet

i feel so crapped up now. i had this terrible flu over the past week. booked in Sunday night with a terrible cold and sore throat. and me being quite garang decided not to get an MC. I feel so proud of myself. So I spammed the usual panadol and guess what, it got worst on Monday.

Tuesday I sort of recovered but I went to the medical center and returned with no status because the MO was a skeptic who thinks everyone has nothing to do and want to report sick for a simple 12km route march. I was there for valid reasons! just that my flu got much better, after like 10 hours of sleep on monday and panadol. but still, I wasn't really set for route march. the 2nd time I report sick and it was quite a bad experience. being accused, when you're innocently sick. sucks.

We probably did nothing much the past 2 days. but I find myself struggling to enjoy my nights out. just when my flu is recovering, i hit the gym last night and had a fierce interval training this morning whereby we had to do 400m sprints (standard 2.4km training?) and now I feel very sick. there is goo up my throat from like my lungs? I have problems breathing without pain. the pain in my throat is so evident. and im frenzy coughing. sucks.

But still, I have the adhere to the rule that says. no reporting sick on nights out. I have to suck thumb. go back to camp and 'enjoy' the observance parade for national day. And guess what? I have my first friday duty tomorrow which eats into my saturday morning. how nice =) at least no forced to clear half day off tomorrow like the rest of the peeps.

It's so sick. end of the week, but i don't feel like. it's the end. because of my freaking damn duty tomorrow. aw. life sucks.

i was reading the blog me and her had last time. i read only the post i sent her. she asked me to sent it to her when we broke up. (for keeping purpose?) I didn't dare to read it in the past because i was afraid it would stir shit in me. but no, i read and i felt fine. i was like. omg i was such a sweet boyfriend. the things i wrote made my hair stand. I really did love her and I mean it. but now it's too late. i guess. it's time to move on. it's 6 months being single. i don't miss her, i don't love her. I can read it and feel nothing. perfect. time does wonders.

train of thoughts

to dear myself:

Very soon you'll wake up from your bunk bed. How would you know? You would feel more elevated than normal. You'll reach for my phone immediately to check the time. 0540? yucks, time to get up and brush teeth/shave. it's a pretty disgusting feeling to wake up at such a time. unearthly hour. sometimes, you'll wonder if you should just sleep for another one minute but you'll see everyone starting to slipper dance out of the door in a zombie-ish fashion. waking up on monday, you'll hear everyone's footsteps heavier than on other days. you go to the toilet and then you stare at the mirror. the reflection. same old reflection. but on monday it just feels worst. you look worst. you reluctantly squeeze that yoghurt like thing that's going to burn your mouth onto the miniature brush and then after a few scrubs it's time to rinse! then you'll realize there's no cup cause you're not at home. dang for a second time. strolling out of the toilet you hurry back to keep your toiletries and change into your black and gold singlet and put on shoes with high socks which you normally don't outside. you find yourself trapped in what you call a standard SAF attire and armed with one full water bottle. you'll try to find your way downstairs 6 storeys. on the way you'll maybe check your phone to see if you're late.

and then you'll walk like a hundred over metres to where they call the company line. a pretty nice place infront of the cookhouse. you see bravo recruits waltz by and you'll happy you're not them. you see millions of pissed off faces infront of you. all grumpy and annoyed. breakfast finally comes. scanning is so fun, wee. it's like trying to make yourself happy. be innocent like a child, carefree and happy! find joy in the most trivial things. then breakfast is maybe like inedible hard noodles. you sigh. and you grouch because breakfast on monday is not meant to be nice even if it's the nicest food ever. monday does negative wonders to your food too amongst everything just because it's a freaking monday.

and I'm not going into everything else that can happen on a monday. I've been through a lot of bad mondays. and what I describe is just a typical monday. and only about 1 hour into it. enjoy myself. yea. enjoy. it's sunday night. monday lurks ahead.

I am grumpy and annoyed. I suffered a sore throat today. random sore throat which just decided to come and go. I don't know why but upon drinking one times grapefruit juice, the pain totally ameliorated. what i feel now it's pretty much diluted pain. I don't feel anything anymore. why. so random. I took medicine too. but do sore throats go away in like few hours?

It's already Sunday. Night. Yes. I don't know why but I don't feel like booking in. Preview for next week. Route march somewhere in between and parade too. I was getting comfortable with my hair and then I just cut it. yucks. I am annoyed. My understudies are coming in tomorrow and I am so looking forward to see new blur faces who will confuse corporal rank with 3rd sergeant. It's time to push, push and push all the work to them. MUAHAHAHAHA! muahahaha!

Preview for August. Yeps. Gasp, it's August already! National day is the first highlight. public holidays are nice because they usually +1 to weekends. long weekends are nice. that weekend will be a four day weekend I hope. have some offs to spare so I may be taking one more here and there. Lots of preps for Ex.claymore, stores and stuff. relentless trainings. yucks. probably next week will be platoon cohesion. from what they decided it seems like it's going to be vienna international at united square! cohesion seems fun! especially when its during office hours. I want to train more! I failed to run this weekend. for once, I went to church on Saturday, and today my sore throat prevented me from going for my usual 12km run. I feel unfit. :(