finding myself back

Had to find myself back. I think I did. Played the piano. Felt better. etc

I understand nothing

I'm losing myself. Suddenly. I have nothing to look forward to. Suddenly, I have no goals, no aims, no nothing. Suddenly, I don't feel like listening to classical music anymore. I just don't have the energy to. Suddenly, I don't want to play the piano anymore. Suddenly, suddenly. suddenly. I realized it's so easy to listen to pop because you rest your ears on it. For classical, the music rest upon your ears. There's a vast distinct difference!

Why must life be so ironic. When I hear you crying, I know how you feel. I know exactly how you're feeling because you were the one who did the same thing to me. The same words I'm telling you, are the words that have been painstakingly been drilled into my ears and wounded heart two years ago. I don't make them out of nothing. I've heard them so many many times.

I feel lost. Am I hiding everything in my fortress of nonchalance? Nope, I'm pretty sure I'm pretty honest these days about how I'm feeling. Whats deception for anyway! Out of the window. I'm unsure about many things suddenly.

But i'm okay. I'm alright. I just like to feel sad for awhile because it's been awhile.

There ain't no fortress to hide in

The week that crawled by had been reasonably tough. A maelstrom of events occurred so fast, so furious. I got another dosage of what they call bitter fresh air. The past week has been tough, considering I was really quite sick (fluctuating fever and an intense headache, shivering and very very cold moments) throughout the duration of the camp. Despite tough, some trainings were actually enjoyable. Some "missions" as what they call it. The toughest was digging a hole in the group just to bury it up the next morning. Well, be glad it's over.

That's all for field camp.

//note:does not pertain to field camp
it's not as bad as I thought it would be, maybe. it wasn't even there in the first place.

Meant to be

Meant to be or not meant to be. That is the question.

It's here, it's coming but it will be over

I caught myself staring out of the window into the horizon contemplating my fate. But still, I managed to muster some optimistic energy into my bloodstream before discontinuing my adamant desire to stare into the skies. Oh heck the ephemeral. Same as usual, time will pass.

I managed to heal myself off the terrible abrasion which developed due to the road march last week. Underwear abrasions. I was sure to buy shorts shaped underwear in order to avoid such critical abrasions in the future. C'mon, people usually associate abrasion with fat thighs rubbing each other. But no. let me defend myself. This abrasion which plagued me for the last two days was caused by underwear lining and skin. I know it sounds highly impossible but it does hurt and it was critical enough to render my lower limbs lame. Not so fun right.

I figured I don't have many things to blog about anymore. Everything I blog about will usually be my experiences last week (in discrete form) or my expectations of the next week. Nothing really steamy or interesting to blog about. Still, I find myself laughing at a lot alot amusing things in tekong. Really. I think I've never laughed so much in my life before.

The lamest way to be crippled

So what. See, time flies. 5 weeks into what we refer to as the "island". Thousand of eager souls gasping for fresh air every weekend, clenching their fists, and yearning for that magic date where they get to leave that island for good.

Whatever happens again in the next week will probably be what I call "concentrated pain". What's more, the uncertainty and fear from this whole thing comes from the fact that mistakes have consequences (very intuitively) that are far more grave than mere knock it downs. However, again, I'd like to stick with the perspective that kept me alive and kicking for this five weeks-time will past no matter what we do. We're not stuck, we're just moving along time. Every activity takes us towards our goal so every second is better than the previous.

So what. Armed with my invincible paradigm yet I'm still not exactly confident for the week ahead?Make that six days, it's not even a week! But I still fear. And why do people fear. Because they subconsciously and instinctively want to get adjusted to consequences and be mentally prepared. Isn't that another intuitive function of fear. And now probably if I go on blabbing I'll soon hit the realm of the advantages of being pessimistic.

This is going to sound pretty random but I have very wounded abrasions on my inner thighs. Specifically on the underwear lining and that is making me worry shit because I have only two mere days to recover them fully and find a remedy and way not to develop them again (unnecessarily!). Being sick is unfortunate enough but being sick enough to miss lessons and trainings is something even more worrisome. Especially next week can't be missed at all! So much for the nice title, I like the semi pseudo pun. Oh well! I'm effectively crippled. Walking, opps, I mean staggering like some unstable shit.

I hope next week will be where the gradient of intensity of events against time turn towards zero and intensity of toughness in tekong hits it's maximum point. from whereby it shall take a steep negative gradient, and plummet and hover slightly above zero.

Oh wow. This is my first official long post after a long time! I'd realized that there is really a spectrum of varying characters out there. Everyone is unique and special but in different ways. However, I strongly believe the good, the bad and the ugly is the perfect summary of what seems to be in a random assortment of 46 teenage boys gathered together one fine Friday the thirteen to commit the next (approx) 800 days to their nation. What's more, being coerced to. Perhaps coercion is an understatement.

Blog again tomorrow. I think I had many things to say. Had. But now my blistering thighs are beckoning and I have to shift about 92.45% of my focus to it. Lest the pain spin out of control, I shall focus my energy on it and make it hurt not so much. How? Beats me.

Used up all the goodness

I'm going to do a chop chop post. Time is running out! (haha close the door :P) anyway, going to book back to that island very soon.

Yesterday I watched Army Daze and realized Army changed a lot a lot a lot a lot. A 180 degree change! Really! And Harold and Kumar must be the most random show ever. But it does have it's meaning. I don't have time to post a meaningful post but yea, I'm fatigued (slept real late last night) and went out the whole day today. I wonder if I would be dead asleep on the ferry. Perhaps.

Really not looking forward to going back in.

Happy Birthday to me

It's such a blessing to spend one's birthday in civilian mode. Thanks people for the sms-es though I kinda did not have any contacts on my tekong-phone. More people than I expected wished me though and some unexpected presents. Received two presents, thanks Tanya and Jasmine. I hope to receive one more tomorrow.

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Rotten apples in your face.

Back from a roller coaster ride. Not literally.

Realized I have poor integrity. Played politics. Disliked some people and badmouthed them. Turned people against other people. Oh gosh, I am getting corrupted. Scolded some people in the fits of anger, (of course, not superiors!) But this week has been one turmoil. Somethings I was worried for turned out pretty nice. I got marksman! But that was really unexpected because I was worried for failing.

For those who want to talk to me about my very eventful week. Find me.

Weak

I needed some good sleep. Finally woke up with sufficient energy to go for 1130 service later. The weekend seems to pass so fast. Very soon I'll be sitting on that bus, that ferry and lying on that bed again. Thankfully, next week is a short week because of Good Friday which is also my birthday. Five days seem short, wait till I experience four days.

I wonder why sometimes I can commit myself to say, something not to do, and I always end up doing it. Guilt and remorse overwhelms me. How in the world am I so bad in keeping promises. Shit, somethings are hard to control. Really. But I shall try.

I woke up 0530 hrs today again. Body clock adjusted in such a way that staying up on weekends becomes physically impossible. At around 1000 hrs, my body starts to feel weak, sight decreases and I start to feel "faint". Unfortunately, most of the time in tekong one would be inflicted with somewhat of an injury or another. If it's not a flu bug, it's some weird blister at some obscure place which cannot be underestimated. Blisters to tekong are like fishballs in fishball noodles. Inevitable, and always there, just how big or small. But well, I am feeling fine now.

I think week by week, time will fly. Very soon I'll be out of Tekong. It's still hard to believe next week is the fourth week already. Think of it in terms of book out, in another like 9 or 10 book outs I'll be out of tekong. (Hopefully for good). Just a matter of weeks, not months yet.

PS: any one wanna get birthday present for me?

Worlds Apart indeed

I said, five days is supposed to be relatively shorter than fifteen days. It felt shorter, yes. But not the perceived duration of five days is pretty vague itself. Which five days. The first five days of the 2 weeks confinement? the middle five days? or the last five days? Theoretically it all seems like the same five days but intuitively the first five days would probably seem the longest for most people. That holds true for myself too. And the five days every week when we book in will feel like the first five weeks of anything. Reason? The need for instantaneous readjustment. Let freedom be water and we transition from ocean to desert. Deprived we are, craving for that weekly oasis in the desert. Where we are let free from the shackles of thirst into the temporal (or imaginary) basin of water.

Everything can be summarized by two words. Monday blues. The morale was evidently lower. Singing four more days to book out day somehow doesn't seem very appealing. The last five days of the first two weeks, when we started singing " four more days to book out day " seemed way more appealing and enticing. Or maybe, energizing.

Tuesday things started settling in as we resign to our fate once again. The feeling of "Ouch ouch I miss home" became less prominent. Only occasionally striking and pinching into our hearts. By Wednesday things reverted to as normal as the middle days of the adjustment period. Morales at the cook house or admin time suddenly seemed more cheerful. By Thursday, we were all pretty tuned to Tekong mood but there is a conflicting sensation of the craving to book out. The conflicting emotions can be a turn off. Generating friction. at least in me. Booking out is always a beautiful thing, but just when you're getting adjusted again-that may be quite a weird feeling.

So this is how time will fly for the next ten weeks. I still can't believe I'm three weeks into BMT..
The second book out felt not close to even a tenth of the magnitude of happiness of the first. This proves the rubber band theory right. The further you stretch, the further you fly. Simple. The more you suffer, the more happiness will follow when the suffering ends. I realized that enjoyment sometimes need not be avoiding hardship or sufferings but comes at the alleviation of these sufferings.

Will blog more tomorrow. I hope I did not breach any rules. I blogged solely emotional aspects and not military aspects. So I assume this is fine.