The weekend is here and the weekend is ending. Visit to the museum was pretty enriching. The history of Singapore is something that 'they' try to repeatedly instill in us since we were little kids studying social studies in primary school. 'they' represent every form of government, including the SAF, education and it seems so repetitive after awhile. But granted, the national museum was very informative. In addition, they had those personal companion PDA like devices that you carry around, key in a number corresponding to the number labeled on the floor and you get a narration of whats happening around you. I believe there were countless tracks and elaborations and there was simply not enough time to listen to everything. Not that I really want to, but it was just, quite informative at the very least.
After the two hour long stroll in the air conditioned environment, most of us went for lunch followed by LAN gaming after wards which I was sadly "left out" due to the fact I don't play L4D while the rest wanted to play L4D. I don't play 1st person shooter games due to bad experience as well as nausea and vertigo being induced by these games. Sadly, no one wanted to play Dota. How did I feel? When no one wanted to compromise with me. There were people who knew how to play both but they just did not want to. I grew up in an environment that my wants and needs were of utmost priority. I swallowed my pride, and tried not to stomp away. I wasn't pissed. I had no right to, I knew that very well. But I just can't resist muttering "screw this world". I have a "main character complex", which is not exactly a good thing. When the world suddenly ceases to revolve around me, it hurts me quite badly.
But it wasn't exactly a bad thing. Since I was at town, I dropped by Yamaha to get myself theory books for grade 8. And I have been reading it since then until now. And it's good material to bring back to camp to 'study'. (you don't call researching up on something you like study do you?). Decided to go meet my parents at JE afterward and found myself at the library whereby I borrowed another book (BOOKS! damnit) titled "Young Liszt". It's not written in a novel form but more of a factual and biography kind of style, which makes it uninteresting and interesting at the same time. The story of child prodigy Liszt is indeed very captivating!
now I sit here having returned from church. Next week is going to be short because there's cohesion on Thursday. And friday is a public holiday. I haven't exercised much and it sucks.
Anyway, I'm starting to feel strains of sleep deprivation emerging at the front of my consciousness and it's time to sign off once again. And here I have to just say it. 19 more weeks!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Returning from the return
Returned to camp a few days ago. Same old bunk, same old people, same old dynamics. I booked to a whole bunk of people falling asleep. Sometimes, I always wonder if anything drastic has happened.but nope, quite the same.
The days passed swiftly. I've got to say I managed to sleep quite a bit in the morning AND afternoon, which equates to almost the entire 'office hours'. I couldn't sleep well at night because my body had been adapted to the "civilian waking-asleep cycle". Found it extremely hard to fall asleep and as a result, "tortuous nights spent reflecting on everything until there is nothing left, but there is still a blank canvas which you still can't fall asleep to" . I spent from 10pm to 3am lying there stoning. Extremely unnecessary pain! It's quite tormenting, believe me.
But the week was good. I caught up with rest in the day. I tried exercising. But epic fail because my body felt un-recovered, slow and sluggish! Even running 2.4km was a failure because my body heated up too much and my heart started overworking itself. OH damn you HFMD you robbed me of all that fitness I took so much time to build up. I hope "muscles have memory" or they build up faster when you have gotten them before. I went to the gym and it was "so-so" but certainly I felt weaker, but it wasn't as bad as how much my stamina dropped. I choose to believe it's temporary because I am recovering! Gotta run tomorrow to see how. Speed training today wasn't good too. i felt the flu aches when running and my breathing felt awkward and forced.
My sore eye is better now, just that I have weird vision on my left eye when I'm strained on a computer. Somehow, I hope it goes away. and it's quite annoying! if not, time to pay the doctor a visit again. Anyway I forgot my MC at home! In fact, I trusted my Mum to pack everything nicely into one sealed envelope and I did not check it's contents. I had a whole packet of notes, memo and three different MCs all together, certainly it was quite easy to miss out one which was eventually found to be left in the printer! (left there to a failed attempt at photocopying!) Sadly, my dad had to sent it to camp for it to be endorsed! GRR.
Oh yes. I am at home now (it's thursday guys?) because tomorrow is outing to the national museum. Neat. Which effectively means long weekend because tomorrow is just going to feel like "going out with platoon mates" as the "designated time" is just 10-1pm. Nice, and neat.
I'm starting to wonder how many more duties I am going to be doing before ORD. Optimistically? None. Pessimistically, A LOT. because of the possibilities of extra duties, last minute duties, being standby-ed, played-out. a lot of possibilities! A lot people in my platoon are signing extras and I am just standing by watching bullets ooze out of their bellies. It is so unsightly!
But one thing is for sure. There is nothing street smart about going directly against your superiors. and then complaining the shit about how they're being simply anal or picking at you. This is not street smartness. because that will make it just a simple excuse for sheer stupidity.
Sometimes when you're being marked by a superior, have you ever wondered if you asked for it yourself?
Now I think about when you said " I never fight a losing battle ". Nice arrogance. I love you say that when you're serving your extra's.
The days passed swiftly. I've got to say I managed to sleep quite a bit in the morning AND afternoon, which equates to almost the entire 'office hours'. I couldn't sleep well at night because my body had been adapted to the "civilian waking-asleep cycle". Found it extremely hard to fall asleep and as a result, "tortuous nights spent reflecting on everything until there is nothing left, but there is still a blank canvas which you still can't fall asleep to" . I spent from 10pm to 3am lying there stoning. Extremely unnecessary pain! It's quite tormenting, believe me.
But the week was good. I caught up with rest in the day. I tried exercising. But epic fail because my body felt un-recovered, slow and sluggish! Even running 2.4km was a failure because my body heated up too much and my heart started overworking itself. OH damn you HFMD you robbed me of all that fitness I took so much time to build up. I hope "muscles have memory" or they build up faster when you have gotten them before. I went to the gym and it was "so-so" but certainly I felt weaker, but it wasn't as bad as how much my stamina dropped. I choose to believe it's temporary because I am recovering! Gotta run tomorrow to see how. Speed training today wasn't good too. i felt the flu aches when running and my breathing felt awkward and forced.
My sore eye is better now, just that I have weird vision on my left eye when I'm strained on a computer. Somehow, I hope it goes away. and it's quite annoying! if not, time to pay the doctor a visit again. Anyway I forgot my MC at home! In fact, I trusted my Mum to pack everything nicely into one sealed envelope and I did not check it's contents. I had a whole packet of notes, memo and three different MCs all together, certainly it was quite easy to miss out one which was eventually found to be left in the printer! (left there to a failed attempt at photocopying!) Sadly, my dad had to sent it to camp for it to be endorsed! GRR.
Oh yes. I am at home now (it's thursday guys?) because tomorrow is outing to the national museum. Neat. Which effectively means long weekend because tomorrow is just going to feel like "going out with platoon mates" as the "designated time" is just 10-1pm. Nice, and neat.
I'm starting to wonder how many more duties I am going to be doing before ORD. Optimistically? None. Pessimistically, A LOT. because of the possibilities of extra duties, last minute duties, being standby-ed, played-out. a lot of possibilities! A lot people in my platoon are signing extras and I am just standing by watching bullets ooze out of their bellies. It is so unsightly!
But one thing is for sure. There is nothing street smart about going directly against your superiors. and then complaining the shit about how they're being simply anal or picking at you. This is not street smartness. because that will make it just a simple excuse for sheer stupidity.
Sometimes when you're being marked by a superior, have you ever wondered if you asked for it yourself?
Now I think about when you said " I never fight a losing battle ". Nice arrogance. I love you say that when you're serving your extra's.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Respawn in 3 hours
This is my longest MC stretch in my lifetime seriously. And I return to camp in about 3 hours or so. Re-spawning to my blue beloved double decked bed and waking up at 530 in the morning. I really don't feel very happy about it. besides, the whole entire today was spent feeling so blue about returning to camp and NSF lifestyle. Because I don't get to sleep in every single day and sleep whenever i want to. I had a true holiday for about the last 2 weeks or so, minus the disease and it's implications but still, Freedom, is a very much sought after thing, in the lives of servicemen like me.
I like reading my older posts (like say several months back) to make myself feel happier. Because October is better than September and September better than August and so on. I've been including countdown notes at the end of some posts here and there! And it makes me feel so "oh hey, that was then, and now it's only half the time left!". it makes me happy.
To be honest, my eyes aren't fully recovered yet. But extending my MC by one day is quite troublesome. I really should be going back to camp. I am afraid I become an MC addict. Because once you keep extending, you never want to go back. Subconsciously, one would keep finding problems with himself. Like, when there's a small slight hint of a headache, one would be "maybe I can see the doctor to see what he can give me". Or something along those lines. it's unhealthy. its just better to go back, and re-absorb that "Nsf mentality" that makes time pass faster in some ways. It's better to be facing the problem, then running away. Granted, civilian life is wonderful, but I still have to face this last four months and a half!
I haven't exercised in two weeks plus! that is so scary. No runs, no gym, not even statics. True, when I was down with HFMD I ate almost nothing for six or seven days but the next week after that I feel as if I consume food without second thought, and no matter how unhealthy it was-I just HAD to eat them all. Maybe this is why I am feeling all restless and slow, and sluggish. Maybe life in camp will rejuvenate me in a certain special way. And maybe in all that meaninglessness, I find some meaning. (or I'll just swim along with that sludge of meaninglessness and let time pass just like that).
C'mon. Time will fly.
I like reading my older posts (like say several months back) to make myself feel happier. Because October is better than September and September better than August and so on. I've been including countdown notes at the end of some posts here and there! And it makes me feel so "oh hey, that was then, and now it's only half the time left!". it makes me happy.
To be honest, my eyes aren't fully recovered yet. But extending my MC by one day is quite troublesome. I really should be going back to camp. I am afraid I become an MC addict. Because once you keep extending, you never want to go back. Subconsciously, one would keep finding problems with himself. Like, when there's a small slight hint of a headache, one would be "maybe I can see the doctor to see what he can give me". Or something along those lines. it's unhealthy. its just better to go back, and re-absorb that "Nsf mentality" that makes time pass faster in some ways. It's better to be facing the problem, then running away. Granted, civilian life is wonderful, but I still have to face this last four months and a half!
I haven't exercised in two weeks plus! that is so scary. No runs, no gym, not even statics. True, when I was down with HFMD I ate almost nothing for six or seven days but the next week after that I feel as if I consume food without second thought, and no matter how unhealthy it was-I just HAD to eat them all. Maybe this is why I am feeling all restless and slow, and sluggish. Maybe life in camp will rejuvenate me in a certain special way. And maybe in all that meaninglessness, I find some meaning. (or I'll just swim along with that sludge of meaninglessness and let time pass just like that).
C'mon. Time will fly.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Isore
Well. My spree continues here because I got one day MC for sore eyes. and I only go back to camp tomorrow night! Beat that! and my eye is still looking quite bad so maybe I'll go to see the doctor again tomorrow. And I was diagnosed not because I went to see the doctor for sore eyes but it was when I was getting cleared for my HFMD the doctor was like "ohhhh how come your eye is so red". and he checked, and, yes, sore eyes!
I believe Sore Eyes is one of the best Mc conditions out there because it doesn't really hinder with your everyday life. It's something quite a pain and it can be quite a bitch but it's super much better than say sore throat or fever. Flu, cough can be quite annoying too, but well, it's not a 100% secure Mc bug right. And I heard I'm skipping RSM parade. (which is big boost to my happiness bar right now)
Yesterday was one hell of a day because I went all the way to the Changi to send my grandparents to China. Following which we popped into a grand piano 'showroom' to test out some grand pianos. My two brothers have no repertoire so I was the only one mainly testing it out with my (admittedly and sadly) half baked repertoire. There were two European brands, Bohemia and Wilhelm tell but I have tried that exact model of Wilhelm tell before at one of my dad's friend's place about a year or two back. Bohemia goes for a whooping 35K price tag and it' only 5'8. While Wilhelm tell's about 6'1 and it's almost 20K cheaper. Quality difference anyone? the price of Bohemia seems quite similar to the Kawai grand which I set my eyes on two years ago. Seems like i have more to research on. I won't be making decisions soon anyway.
But certainly, a grand and an upright is totally world's apart. Today when I returned home I felt really disappointed with the sound of my own Nottingham upright piano. It's just the keys and the tone and the feeling ain't right anymore. I guess this is what you call "spoiled fingers"
Anyway very soon I'll have to go back to what you call "ordinary NSF life". 5 day in camp a week, 2 day weekends. Sigh. A redemption point would be that end of years is coming. the next following week there's a public holiday + platoon cohesion so it's a 3 day week. It's about counting down the weeks already. I believe it's about 20 weeks to ORD (got to count again). It's about 4 months plus more. 4 months ago, where we were? Late June I believe. I can't really remember what was going on then, but it's like from then, to here more to go.
I believe Sore Eyes is one of the best Mc conditions out there because it doesn't really hinder with your everyday life. It's something quite a pain and it can be quite a bitch but it's super much better than say sore throat or fever. Flu, cough can be quite annoying too, but well, it's not a 100% secure Mc bug right. And I heard I'm skipping RSM parade. (which is big boost to my happiness bar right now)
Yesterday was one hell of a day because I went all the way to the Changi to send my grandparents to China. Following which we popped into a grand piano 'showroom' to test out some grand pianos. My two brothers have no repertoire so I was the only one mainly testing it out with my (admittedly and sadly) half baked repertoire. There were two European brands, Bohemia and Wilhelm tell but I have tried that exact model of Wilhelm tell before at one of my dad's friend's place about a year or two back. Bohemia goes for a whooping 35K price tag and it' only 5'8. While Wilhelm tell's about 6'1 and it's almost 20K cheaper. Quality difference anyone? the price of Bohemia seems quite similar to the Kawai grand which I set my eyes on two years ago. Seems like i have more to research on. I won't be making decisions soon anyway.
But certainly, a grand and an upright is totally world's apart. Today when I returned home I felt really disappointed with the sound of my own Nottingham upright piano. It's just the keys and the tone and the feeling ain't right anymore. I guess this is what you call "spoiled fingers"
Anyway very soon I'll have to go back to what you call "ordinary NSF life". 5 day in camp a week, 2 day weekends. Sigh. A redemption point would be that end of years is coming. the next following week there's a public holiday + platoon cohesion so it's a 3 day week. It's about counting down the weeks already. I believe it's about 20 weeks to ORD (got to count again). It's about 4 months plus more. 4 months ago, where we were? Late June I believe. I can't really remember what was going on then, but it's like from then, to here more to go.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Dreams and inspirations
It's always good to have dreams and inspirations.
Today my little brother innocently came up to me with a grade 5 theory question and asked me for the answer. And I looked at it, and I had to say " I think.." and not "it's this or that". I wasn't even sure of the answer. I have grade 5 theory but that was ages ago and I only took 3 days to study for the examination which I eventually scrapped through because music theory at grade 5 is nothing compared to say physics or chemistry at the A'levels.
I have 3 books lying by my bed side right now, 6,7,8 respectively. I am very tempted to plow through them but I believe it's not as easy as it sounds. I know it's probably going to sound very immature but the books ain't really a textbook, but rather some sort of complimentary guide which is kind of useless for someone who is clueless and especially for one who has already very shaky foundations of music theory.
Therefore, I plan to enroll myself in a class to formally take my grade 8 theory. And then eventually (I hope) move on to the trinity diploma for music composition.
ATCL recital examination (probably and likely) next May.
My recital looks like this (as of now)
Scarlatti K491 Sonata
Beethoven Grande Sonata 'Pathetique'
Liszt Liebestraume (no3)
Debussy "La Plus Que Lente" (slower than slow waltz)
Scriabin Prelude Op11-6* MAYBE
Moszkowski "Etincelles"
I haven't timed them, in fact, I haven't decided where and how to use repeats and therefore the timing are all vague but I'm pretty sure this will suffice (in fact, it might exceed)
I'm actually almost done with at least getting my feet wet in most of these pieces. Beethoven's still a tricky one. I dislike the 3rd movement somehow. Etincelles is an exciting piece and very pleasurable to play (and slightly virtuosic as well!) I've got to say I predict problems in Beethoven. Liebestraume has been my most stable because I've been playing it for some time.
I just finished memorizing the entire Etincelles (10 pages btw) in one week, and playing it at full speed already (except some bits). If only I can keep up this pace. Sigh, well, not every week I'll be stuck at home with HFMD.
To come up with this program. I actually completed two other pieces but I tossed it away due to lack of interest (suddenly). Copland's Scherzo "Cat and mouse" as well as Bach's partita no1 (prelude/gigue). I was also the midst of playing Chopin's 3rd ballade.
I don't know why but I hope this "stepping stone" ain't too far apart for me. This is what will make or break me. It's my determining point. I cannot afford to fail. I have too much at stake. and therefore I will practice to my hardest and max ability. I AM SO PSYCHED right now.
Ultimately. I wanna see how far I can go. Those Chopin, Liszt, Rachmaninoff etudes. Gotta play them all!
Also, I've been considering taking some grades for a subject by Abrsm,"practical musicanship" involving improvisation, transposing, aural tests etc etc..which is like my ENTIRE weakness. Or my musical handicap. Well, there's a lot to look forward to. I have a life time to play around with.
It is certainly depressing to start music at a late age. I really envy people who get their FRSM/FTCL when they're already my age and they're not aiming to go professional. they're just playing like Liszt just because they feel like it. Being professional and being a good amateur has a big difference. A pianist will seem more impressive if he is not a pianist by profession. Like for example, let's say an engineer who can play Rachmaninoff, or maybe a literature major who plays chopin for fun. You expect professionals to be good, and when you hear them play, they're SUPPOSED to play the revolutionary etude because it's their rice bowl. Same goes for piano teachers or anyone in that profession.
Right now. it's late. I have my lesson tomorrow. I wonder if it's impressive to have an entire 10 page fast paced piece memorized in one week. (I wonder?) My brothers ( who are taking ATCL and DipAbrsm respectively) would certainly take ages to get such a piece done.
Today my little brother innocently came up to me with a grade 5 theory question and asked me for the answer. And I looked at it, and I had to say " I think.." and not "it's this or that". I wasn't even sure of the answer. I have grade 5 theory but that was ages ago and I only took 3 days to study for the examination which I eventually scrapped through because music theory at grade 5 is nothing compared to say physics or chemistry at the A'levels.
I have 3 books lying by my bed side right now, 6,7,8 respectively. I am very tempted to plow through them but I believe it's not as easy as it sounds. I know it's probably going to sound very immature but the books ain't really a textbook, but rather some sort of complimentary guide which is kind of useless for someone who is clueless and especially for one who has already very shaky foundations of music theory.
Therefore, I plan to enroll myself in a class to formally take my grade 8 theory. And then eventually (I hope) move on to the trinity diploma for music composition.
ATCL recital examination (probably and likely) next May.
My recital looks like this (as of now)
Scarlatti K491 Sonata
Beethoven Grande Sonata 'Pathetique'
Liszt Liebestraume (no3)
Debussy "La Plus Que Lente" (slower than slow waltz)
Scriabin Prelude Op11-6* MAYBE
Moszkowski "Etincelles"
I haven't timed them, in fact, I haven't decided where and how to use repeats and therefore the timing are all vague but I'm pretty sure this will suffice (in fact, it might exceed)
I'm actually almost done with at least getting my feet wet in most of these pieces. Beethoven's still a tricky one. I dislike the 3rd movement somehow. Etincelles is an exciting piece and very pleasurable to play (and slightly virtuosic as well!) I've got to say I predict problems in Beethoven. Liebestraume has been my most stable because I've been playing it for some time.
I just finished memorizing the entire Etincelles (10 pages btw) in one week, and playing it at full speed already (except some bits). If only I can keep up this pace. Sigh, well, not every week I'll be stuck at home with HFMD.
To come up with this program. I actually completed two other pieces but I tossed it away due to lack of interest (suddenly). Copland's Scherzo "Cat and mouse" as well as Bach's partita no1 (prelude/gigue). I was also the midst of playing Chopin's 3rd ballade.
I don't know why but I hope this "stepping stone" ain't too far apart for me. This is what will make or break me. It's my determining point. I cannot afford to fail. I have too much at stake. and therefore I will practice to my hardest and max ability. I AM SO PSYCHED right now.
Ultimately. I wanna see how far I can go. Those Chopin, Liszt, Rachmaninoff etudes. Gotta play them all!
Also, I've been considering taking some grades for a subject by Abrsm,"practical musicanship" involving improvisation, transposing, aural tests etc etc..which is like my ENTIRE weakness. Or my musical handicap. Well, there's a lot to look forward to. I have a life time to play around with.
It is certainly depressing to start music at a late age. I really envy people who get their FRSM/FTCL when they're already my age and they're not aiming to go professional. they're just playing like Liszt just because they feel like it. Being professional and being a good amateur has a big difference. A pianist will seem more impressive if he is not a pianist by profession. Like for example, let's say an engineer who can play Rachmaninoff, or maybe a literature major who plays chopin for fun. You expect professionals to be good, and when you hear them play, they're SUPPOSED to play the revolutionary etude because it's their rice bowl. Same goes for piano teachers or anyone in that profession.
Right now. it's late. I have my lesson tomorrow. I wonder if it's impressive to have an entire 10 page fast paced piece memorized in one week. (I wonder?) My brothers ( who are taking ATCL and DipAbrsm respectively) would certainly take ages to get such a piece done.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
The spree continues
My attend C ends on Thursday but Friday is Company clear off which means I return to camp only next Monday. Wonderful.
I just started a twitter account. I have no friends there. But it's for my more intimate thoughts. (warning:mostly are emo?) I don't know.
I'm going grand piano shopping this weekend! I hope to get a $20K 6'3-6'5 Grand for my living room! Decided not go for Japanese brands like Kawai or Yamaha. My daddy says it's better to go for a European brand (but Made in China) because it's cheaper for bigger sizes and ultimately it's which tone you prefer. I can already picture it in my living room! Can't wait.
I could be practicing more piano but now it's going all stale. I really cannot muster enough motivation to go and practice. this is the "getting sick of your pieces' stage. My program has it's shape up, few pieces to polish and a few to complete. but the shape is there. And there are pieces which I have been playing for about 1 year to date. Now sometimes I wonder if I will bother to put "safe points" at every danger zone of technical insecurity.
This is my battle. To determine if I have what it takes. If I fail, I'll give myself one more chance. But then this is where I see if I have the talent. Whether I can make it or not. And thus, for this, I will practice ultra hard and eliminate every tinge of insecurity in all my pieces. If single memorizing is not enough I will memorize twice. I have decided to play pieces from memory because memorizing is my forte.
Yesterday night I was feeling rather emotional. I questioned many things. My walk in army is coming to an end. I realize I don't really have a clique, or a group of friends. What I have is scattered friends from all over the place. And not to mention, they're not really close. I guess this is what you get for keeping all to yourself all the time. I live by " in solitude, where we are least alone ", I believe largely that to accomplish much, you have to work alone and spare yourself all that socializing time. It's about keeping yourself hidden in your own house, train, prepare, (as if under a waterfall) and come out and own the shit out of everybody. This was my concept all along. But I guess I reap what I sow.
For whom do I play and for what do I sit there for hours stoning at notation and slowly and painstakingly "consummate" with music? It's never easy, it's neither a happy thing to be plowing through new repertoire. Worst, grinding them into your muscle memory is also a tedious process. So why?
My dad always mentions that musicians have to be "thick skinned" and enjoy performing even if it's at the expense of being arrogant and showy. Something along those lines. There is a thin line between arrogance and showmanship. Do I hide in the piano room for a thousand hours just to emerge with a transcendental etude that make the jaws of people drop? Maybe. Maybe not. It's true I get discouraged when people do not acknowledge how much talent it requires to play the piano. There are people who don't give a shit really. But those are the minority, and the initially pissed off me have decided to not give a shit about these people.
So what is this intriguing force?
I'd like to remind myself. I play for nobody. I play for myself. I am my own mercenary and I am responsible for my own motivation. I play for the joy of accomplishing something just like how a little kid feels pure joy after building a sandcastle, irregardless of whether people praise his art or not. I should remind myself of the pure joy in playing these pieces and in the saying "no pain no gain", I remind myself that only through grueling grinding against the walls of notation and technical difficulty will I become stronger mentally. Eventually, I will tackle my goal pieces because those pieces make me shiver in excitement when I hear them, let alone play them someday.
Recognition is important. But, ultimately-I play for myself. For my personal pride. For my own sense of achievement.
I just started a twitter account. I have no friends there. But it's for my more intimate thoughts. (warning:mostly are emo?) I don't know.
I'm going grand piano shopping this weekend! I hope to get a $20K 6'3-6'5 Grand for my living room! Decided not go for Japanese brands like Kawai or Yamaha. My daddy says it's better to go for a European brand (but Made in China) because it's cheaper for bigger sizes and ultimately it's which tone you prefer. I can already picture it in my living room! Can't wait.
I could be practicing more piano but now it's going all stale. I really cannot muster enough motivation to go and practice. this is the "getting sick of your pieces' stage. My program has it's shape up, few pieces to polish and a few to complete. but the shape is there. And there are pieces which I have been playing for about 1 year to date. Now sometimes I wonder if I will bother to put "safe points" at every danger zone of technical insecurity.
This is my battle. To determine if I have what it takes. If I fail, I'll give myself one more chance. But then this is where I see if I have the talent. Whether I can make it or not. And thus, for this, I will practice ultra hard and eliminate every tinge of insecurity in all my pieces. If single memorizing is not enough I will memorize twice. I have decided to play pieces from memory because memorizing is my forte.
Yesterday night I was feeling rather emotional. I questioned many things. My walk in army is coming to an end. I realize I don't really have a clique, or a group of friends. What I have is scattered friends from all over the place. And not to mention, they're not really close. I guess this is what you get for keeping all to yourself all the time. I live by " in solitude, where we are least alone ", I believe largely that to accomplish much, you have to work alone and spare yourself all that socializing time. It's about keeping yourself hidden in your own house, train, prepare, (as if under a waterfall) and come out and own the shit out of everybody. This was my concept all along. But I guess I reap what I sow.
For whom do I play and for what do I sit there for hours stoning at notation and slowly and painstakingly "consummate" with music? It's never easy, it's neither a happy thing to be plowing through new repertoire. Worst, grinding them into your muscle memory is also a tedious process. So why?
My dad always mentions that musicians have to be "thick skinned" and enjoy performing even if it's at the expense of being arrogant and showy. Something along those lines. There is a thin line between arrogance and showmanship. Do I hide in the piano room for a thousand hours just to emerge with a transcendental etude that make the jaws of people drop? Maybe. Maybe not. It's true I get discouraged when people do not acknowledge how much talent it requires to play the piano. There are people who don't give a shit really. But those are the minority, and the initially pissed off me have decided to not give a shit about these people.
So what is this intriguing force?
I'd like to remind myself. I play for nobody. I play for myself. I am my own mercenary and I am responsible for my own motivation. I play for the joy of accomplishing something just like how a little kid feels pure joy after building a sandcastle, irregardless of whether people praise his art or not. I should remind myself of the pure joy in playing these pieces and in the saying "no pain no gain", I remind myself that only through grueling grinding against the walls of notation and technical difficulty will I become stronger mentally. Eventually, I will tackle my goal pieces because those pieces make me shiver in excitement when I hear them, let alone play them someday.
Recognition is important. But, ultimately-I play for myself. For my personal pride. For my own sense of achievement.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
No pain no gain
I have to admit that I am (almost) completely recovered. I am still on Attend C because it's home quarantine and it's effectively like having an entire week off. I began to recover at the later parts of last week. Say Friday, or Saturday? My sore throat took pretty long to completely disappear but it did diminish over time. Slowly, and painfully. I did get those infamous dots on my hands and legs but they weren't really significant and they did not become painful (unlike the doctor predicted). I heard that adults do not get the full manifestation of the disease. After all, it's a kid's disease but it's certainly NO child's play.
I sound like I'm giving a review on a disease but having experienced it I would say it's 5/5 pain stars for the sore throat because it's the longest ever (to date) sore throat I ever had and it was the most excruciating pain in my throat EVER. the ulcers give off a burning sensation that linger 3-4 seconds at the after taste, making food totally impassable. The fever was bad, it went up so high. 40.2 was the highest and it stayed there for about a few hours before dropping to a (much better) range of 39s. (39 is still pretty high!).
The first week I had barely energy to do anything because I wasn't eating much. (or anything!). I probably was sitting at the computer for one minute and then lying down for the next 59 minutes. That was how bad the hunger was, yes, even after a "lost of appetite". Fever induced vertigo and a little vomiting here and there.
But I sit here healthy right now. I've been well since Saturday and it's quite a few more days before I return to camp. I guess "no pain, no gain" holds true.
Been watching quite a lot of stuff to kill the boredom. I'm watching Naruto right now.
And King of Baking, a Korean Drama which is actually pretty much the best drama I have ever watched. The episodes are long, 1 hr each and it's tiring to rampage through too many episodes at once but they just have this magic at the end of the episode that mysteriously and mystically binds one to the next and it's so enticing!
When I return to camp it will be just like this, poof two weeks off my serving time. It's so wonderful. I can imagine November coming and it seems like the End of year mood is here! Christmas anyone? block leaves anyone? Perfect. Still have Taiwan trip to look forward to. While the rest head to Engineer training institute for phase 2 of their course I wonder what we'll be doing? Staying back at Company Line or tagging along?
Just like that. I am heading towards four months before ORD! It seems like yesterday when I just enlisted.
I sound like I'm giving a review on a disease but having experienced it I would say it's 5/5 pain stars for the sore throat because it's the longest ever (to date) sore throat I ever had and it was the most excruciating pain in my throat EVER. the ulcers give off a burning sensation that linger 3-4 seconds at the after taste, making food totally impassable. The fever was bad, it went up so high. 40.2 was the highest and it stayed there for about a few hours before dropping to a (much better) range of 39s. (39 is still pretty high!).
The first week I had barely energy to do anything because I wasn't eating much. (or anything!). I probably was sitting at the computer for one minute and then lying down for the next 59 minutes. That was how bad the hunger was, yes, even after a "lost of appetite". Fever induced vertigo and a little vomiting here and there.
But I sit here healthy right now. I've been well since Saturday and it's quite a few more days before I return to camp. I guess "no pain, no gain" holds true.
Been watching quite a lot of stuff to kill the boredom. I'm watching Naruto right now.
And King of Baking, a Korean Drama which is actually pretty much the best drama I have ever watched. The episodes are long, 1 hr each and it's tiring to rampage through too many episodes at once but they just have this magic at the end of the episode that mysteriously and mystically binds one to the next and it's so enticing!
When I return to camp it will be just like this, poof two weeks off my serving time. It's so wonderful. I can imagine November coming and it seems like the End of year mood is here! Christmas anyone? block leaves anyone? Perfect. Still have Taiwan trip to look forward to. While the rest head to Engineer training institute for phase 2 of their course I wonder what we'll be doing? Staying back at Company Line or tagging along?
Just like that. I am heading towards four months before ORD! It seems like yesterday when I just enlisted.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Day Four
I haven't updated my situation.
I'm not in camp now. My throat is not recovered. Guess what? HFMD. It's not Have Fun Make Donuts but it's actually the infamous Hand-Foot-Mouth disease. Now, people are all saying it's a children disease. YES, adults can catch them too.
So it's been a double edged sword now. One end is piercing my throat while the other end is securing a 10 day MC issued by the clinic. Pretty neat. I only go back to camp on 21st October which is a Thursday night (effectively 22th) and my October is pretty much done. I still can't eat solid food now and it's been 5 days since my sore throat started. the pain from a HFMD sore throat is definitely beyond that of a normal sore throat. According to my doctor there are 15 ulcer thingies up my throat. From my wild guesses, there are still some of them left behind and they are very sore about it. They say hydration is the key but I've been drinking waters not my sips but my tumblers and my throat is still not okay. I just consumed a pandan cake (FINALLY) but without full ease. I still struggle bite by bite. That's how bad it is because it's as if someone place a lighter at my throat.
I've been lying down a lot these days feeling weak from lack of food and proper meals. I've been thinking to myself "why do I seem happier these days". Is it because I wake up every morning hoping I can eat? Or the goal of eating a plate of chicken rice suddenly seems so appealing. Life is quite relaxing now. Because it seems like this 10 day MC makes my effective camp life left very numbered. It's two weeks for goodness sake. And then I still have my leaves and offs. Wonderful?
I'm tired from watching shows.....
I'm not in camp now. My throat is not recovered. Guess what? HFMD. It's not Have Fun Make Donuts but it's actually the infamous Hand-Foot-Mouth disease. Now, people are all saying it's a children disease. YES, adults can catch them too.
So it's been a double edged sword now. One end is piercing my throat while the other end is securing a 10 day MC issued by the clinic. Pretty neat. I only go back to camp on 21st October which is a Thursday night (effectively 22th) and my October is pretty much done. I still can't eat solid food now and it's been 5 days since my sore throat started. the pain from a HFMD sore throat is definitely beyond that of a normal sore throat. According to my doctor there are 15 ulcer thingies up my throat. From my wild guesses, there are still some of them left behind and they are very sore about it. They say hydration is the key but I've been drinking waters not my sips but my tumblers and my throat is still not okay. I just consumed a pandan cake (FINALLY) but without full ease. I still struggle bite by bite. That's how bad it is because it's as if someone place a lighter at my throat.
I've been lying down a lot these days feeling weak from lack of food and proper meals. I've been thinking to myself "why do I seem happier these days". Is it because I wake up every morning hoping I can eat? Or the goal of eating a plate of chicken rice suddenly seems so appealing. Life is quite relaxing now. Because it seems like this 10 day MC makes my effective camp life left very numbered. It's two weeks for goodness sake. And then I still have my leaves and offs. Wonderful?
I'm tired from watching shows.....
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tenacious stupid little bug
My fever is finally down after I've been wrestling with it for like almost 2 days. up and down, up and down. like a roller coaster, finally put the fire out last night where it stayed calm at 37+. The bad part is my throat hurts like mad. Drink water and it's someone light a lighter up your throat and the sensation even reaches to my ears. FML.
I'm going to see a doctor again soon to (hopefully) extend my rest at home. I'm so no booking in with such a painful throat. I can't even eat anything, or drink anything. and I feel weak from having my brain roasted with 40 degree fever over the past 2 days. I need rest! now this is genuine.
But with all the time in bed made me think a lot. at times if i could have a good meal without gulping fragments of pain along with it would make me really really pleased. i realize i have tons of things I wanna do and I can't, which gives me the "damn I'm so gonna do them when I recover". Granted, fitness momentum is definitely down and probably I'll start again this week. YES, I'm afraid already. the last thing i want is a rebound fever. My meaning in life-recover first, think later.
I'm going to see a doctor again soon to (hopefully) extend my rest at home. I'm so no booking in with such a painful throat. I can't even eat anything, or drink anything. and I feel weak from having my brain roasted with 40 degree fever over the past 2 days. I need rest! now this is genuine.
But with all the time in bed made me think a lot. at times if i could have a good meal without gulping fragments of pain along with it would make me really really pleased. i realize i have tons of things I wanna do and I can't, which gives me the "damn I'm so gonna do them when I recover". Granted, fitness momentum is definitely down and probably I'll start again this week. YES, I'm afraid already. the last thing i want is a rebound fever. My meaning in life-recover first, think later.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Heated up
Suffering from an insane fever which got up to 40.2 yesterday. My throat feels as if someone stick a knife there and it's so pain even when swallowing saliva. It was to the point I was eating panadols at 2 hour intervals to somehow bring the fever down not to mention countless cold baths and water parades. I still feel quite uncomfortable right now. but painkillers are doing their job fine and I feel well enough to sit at my com. Not for long, (maybe 45 mins before the vertigo sinks in again)
I was bedridden for more than 24 hours. Unable to sleep comfortably because I even had dreams whereby I had fever in my dream. I dream a lot though, weird dreams, nostalgic dreams, sad dreams, happy dreams. But it changed nothing, I still woke up to an insanely high fever. Even 38+ seems like a good deal to me now.
Thankfully, I got 2 days Attend C which lasts me till tuesday which cuts the week by (almost) half. Pretty neat. my first MC for the year!
I pretty much know already when my fever will go up again because it's been looping in circles for sometime.
I was bedridden for more than 24 hours. Unable to sleep comfortably because I even had dreams whereby I had fever in my dream. I dream a lot though, weird dreams, nostalgic dreams, sad dreams, happy dreams. But it changed nothing, I still woke up to an insanely high fever. Even 38+ seems like a good deal to me now.
Thankfully, I got 2 days Attend C which lasts me till tuesday which cuts the week by (almost) half. Pretty neat. my first MC for the year!
I pretty much know already when my fever will go up again because it's been looping in circles for sometime.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Unfinished
This week was swift. 5 day weeks no longer intimidate me because it's all about perspective and mindset. I didn't even go home on nights out this week.
Basically, our trainees are undergoing GPMG course this week and we're just hanging around observing and some of us teaching them/guiding them. Because it's really weird when some of us don't remember a single shit and some of the drills have been revised/changed and there are now somethings which we did not even know existed. And next week I am tasked to teach some field geometry shit which is like some mathematics crap of measuring stuff. It is daunting indeed. I hope it goes well, OR they remove the job from me.
All of them are going for live firing this Sunday and I am NOT involved. WHOOO
I did duty on Monday. the week felt longer cause of that. According to our fairness system, this is my penultimate duty. (second last). Duties are bad for health because they keep you awake in the middle of the night, you skip PT the next day and therefore, it's bad for the fitness momentum. The night you dismount from duty, you're gonna feel tired and sluggish and lack of sleep is no good for recovery. And more often than not, you end up drinking sweet drinks in between prowls.
Basically it's just 7 weeks left before my Taiwan holiday. And 4 weeks of magician's act in december and followed by maybe 10 weeks next year and we'll see ourselves ORD-ed in no time. We can all finally see the island! and see it's shore, see it's outline, even the coconut trees, and the people playing on the shores. it is all clear! :) :)
Basically, our trainees are undergoing GPMG course this week and we're just hanging around observing and some of us teaching them/guiding them. Because it's really weird when some of us don't remember a single shit and some of the drills have been revised/changed and there are now somethings which we did not even know existed. And next week I am tasked to teach some field geometry shit which is like some mathematics crap of measuring stuff. It is daunting indeed. I hope it goes well, OR they remove the job from me.
All of them are going for live firing this Sunday and I am NOT involved. WHOOO
I did duty on Monday. the week felt longer cause of that. According to our fairness system, this is my penultimate duty. (second last). Duties are bad for health because they keep you awake in the middle of the night, you skip PT the next day and therefore, it's bad for the fitness momentum. The night you dismount from duty, you're gonna feel tired and sluggish and lack of sleep is no good for recovery. And more often than not, you end up drinking sweet drinks in between prowls.
Basically it's just 7 weeks left before my Taiwan holiday. And 4 weeks of magician's act in december and followed by maybe 10 weeks next year and we'll see ourselves ORD-ed in no time. We can all finally see the island! and see it's shore, see it's outline, even the coconut trees, and the people playing on the shores. it is all clear! :) :)
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