All in the name of business

It's still early 2011 but I've learn big lessons.

In life, you gotta be thick skinned and fight for what you want, for what you feel you deserve. even if you have to let go a little of that pride, and act a bit like a whore. that's life for you.

Two incidents.

We were shopping for a grand piano recently. We fixed our eyes on a Shigeru Kawai 5'10, which goes for 41 grand. that is actually slightly above our budget but well, we don't really mind getting something which we really want. After speaking to the boss personally, he fixed the price on 40 grand. However, upon cross referencing to a friend of ours, we found out they bought a bigger model (intuitively, more expensive) at a much cheaper price of 32grand. the catch? it was Five years ago. Fuming mad, and slightly "almost" conned, we went to confront the boss again. And he gave us the only possible standard rebuttal and reasoning of "fluctuating" currency exchanges. It was believable, not until my dad checked the currency exchange rates five years ago and there were changes along the way, yes, but 2005 and now were roughly the same rate. We haven't gone back there to reveal our new discovery, but oh well, i wonder what he'll say next.

First he told us 30+ grand for that model was "brutally impossible". and the next time we went back we quoted our friends name and he checked the records and viola, it was there. 32grand for the one up model. So not so impossible anymore eh? either he is starting to get senile or he is just a crafty businessman who does not give honest prices. Pretty sneaky eh.

Thankfully my parents saw through all his tricks. I was there. trust me, he was super convincing. giving us sweets, talking a little cock and randoms here and there. HE almost got my dad to sign for the piano for 40 grand.

The lesson here is that we shouldn't be afraid to bargain, to negotiate, to 'whore around'. our pride ain't worth gold sometimes. true my dad could maintain his high nose and act all steady and as if that 10K in difference is not worth his time. But in tat case we actually should have gotten a 200K Steinway. Back to the point, I put myself in his shoes. I would be so tempted to just grab it and go. I realize I do not think much when making deals. Maybe I'm a little dumb on this side. I should learn more, get exposed more of such situations and maybe grow a little more business wits.

After all, that old man ain't playing dirty. he was playing businessman.

Second incident.

In camp whereby Off is the new generation currency for money. Controversial, but perhaps off is worth more than money. (you have to be an NSF to understand this situation.). Sometimes we have to keep bargaining, even shameless self promotion. the cliche ' i did this you know i deserve this '. and consistently bugging. some bosses already have this or that in mind, but they just need some pushing. I am totally unsure of how this will work in the working world, because they can just fire your ass. but other that that, being vocal (or being people smart) is actually important. but never overdo it. I got myself one day off today. Shameless self promotion, whether I really deserve it is another question. the problem is making people think you deserve it. especially the person who is giving.

I believe there are people who look into my life and think I'm immature. I'll just laugh it off and do it mature style. but for record's sake, let me defend myself right here right now. once and for all. I probably live in an isolated world, possibly away from most people. I live a sheltered life. but that does not make me immature. it just causes me to grow in a different way. I think of different things, expect different things, derive my happiness from different things. While people may grow up thinking about many things like financial security, I was wondering why I was not born richer, and into a more 'prestigious family'. Money cannot bring happiness. period. it's never enough. My taste, my lifestyle is very unique. I don't drink, I don't club and I never like going into dark and gloomy places where everyone is on drugs. that is what I call wasting my life away. and it is absolutely ironic how people who frequent these places think that me going home spending time with my family or simply alone is "no life".

Friends. I have some. or maybe none. but does that really matter. friends come and go. I don't believe in a BFF or whatsoever. I don't even believe in brotherhood. I can live alone for most of my life. I can talk to myself which is actually more entertaining than talking to like a whole lot of people out there. but I have to admit I need company once in a while. You can't play monopoly deal alone! Introverts should never be frowned upon. Introverts may be introverted by choice or by passion. It is natural that if your passion is being a social whore, you would be extroverted and extroversion would be an understatement. period. but for me, my passion lies in something so deeply introverted. music. piano requires many hours of lonely practice. you and those 88 keys. and a sheet music sometimes. I run long distances, which is also a solo thing because people never really end up running with someone else for maybe 20km or so. through all that, I talk to myself a lot. or rather, think to myself a lot. I am in no way inferior to an extroverted people. "In solitude, where we are least alone". Heard that before? our closest interaction can only be within ourselves because it is the only time you talk to someone and both of you really understand each other. this is so intricately interesting.

I am neither socially awkward nor a kid refusing to grow up in an adult's world. see the real world? this world is so big. To me, many people haven't seen to world. it's all about perspective man. So the next time, you people better not judge me for not going on to those pubs, or drinking, or living in a social whore's world. For the pride of introverts I speak. We do not sometimes hide in our 'closets' because we are afraid of the world. but rather, we are there because whats in ourselves interest us more than everything else the world may have to offer.

I love my house. my piano.

Definitely more than walking aimlessly on the streets with 'friends'.

sadest occasions

I would to say that new years is one of the most paradoxically confusing events of the year. Humans are after all, pretty contradictory beings capable of feeling multifarious and even opposing feelings at the same time. It is only when we examine ourselves, ask ourselves and search for that happiness within us that we wonder, are we really happy as we watch the fireworks, hang out with friends or do the epic drum roll. What I am trying to say is that, these things don't really actually make us happy right? For myself, for the past 18 years as a student I had to struggle with parting with my holidays on new year's day. And the following year's challenges never fail to make me sigh. For army boys, returning to camp. For working adults, returning to work. This event, doesn't really mark anything good. it marks the end of your blissful festive season and returning to your everyday meaningless life.

As we return from parties, countdown, hang outs of gatherings, how many of us are actually being plagued by this meaningless controversy. this unexplainable burst of confusion within us. Asking ourselves, what now?

For most, we are eager, excited because it is these events that make life "meaningful" and when these events actually end, it takes it's toll on us. I had sleepovers for many of my new year eves. And when I awoke in all that sticky goo of my own perspiration and sleeping in an uncomfortable position, I found myself feeling a strange bitter sadness kind of emotion. Something which was existing in the air, yet not exactly very tangible or obvious. What was it?

Sometimes, the thrill in life is not the things we look forward to but rather the looking forward process. We do not feel happy after attaining what we want, but in fact, we are banished to square one where it is the lobby where we search for which floor we want to go now.

The end of 2010

Well, i have to say that 2010 was mainly about army. it was the crust of the army pizza here. and majority of the syllabus and requirements was cleared in this year. my year one and two range, IPPT, close combat training and so on and so forth. We even went up to Thailand for exercise. This year wasn't swift at all, If I had to say something, "screw you 2010" it was a tough year, both mentally and physically.

This was the year I became 20. And my life took drastic changes. My life right now is completely different from what I was 1 year ago. I did not imagine this change, nor brace myself sufficiently. I'm glad almost all my army stuff are over and done with. It was a tough year, really.

2011. I'm going to finally get my Pink Ic back, along with freedom. Going to university, running the sundown, taking my ATCL piano diploma. it's going to be a hectic and stressful year as well. But I hope it'll definitely be better than the year that had just gone by. I have a lot I want to achieve.

I told myself I'm not going to dwell on the past. But seriously, Christmas and end of year festive mood was totally ridiculously bad. It sucks enough to be alone on those days (I don't mean literally) but it sucks to suffer a blast from the past. I'm not strong enough, that's why I always get hut. I'm was being a kid, thats why I was hurt.

Resolutions. I want to be able to do things well next year. I want to forge good bonds with people, do well in the things I am supposed to, and move on with life.

Like I said in my last year's resolutions, for a better 2011. It's quite funny how I said 2011 not 2010 like on 2009. we all know 2010 was going to be not so good for me. but heck, it's over. And i'm over with everything that happened in this year. I guess the army trains us all well to suck our thumbs.

the awesome 2 days

Practically this 2 days in camp has been really like a chalet. Talking until 2am, partying with Citadels in the afternoon (awesome card game btw). and then when we felt like it, Prata at Jalan Kayu at night. I slept late both nights, had awesome conversations and the card games were good. the rest monster hunter-ed on their psps until the next day morning. this is how army should be. food is free, lodging is free, we pay zero cents. the whole camp compound was like pretty much all to ours since most people are on leave. I gymed this afternoon, and we had the whole gym to ourselves. Cool days.

I don't even know if things will be like this next year. I was reading the training schedule for the next few months and I was accidentally reading pass march 11th and I was like " aw shit there's this on say this date". and someone was like " you'll be gone by then". it's pretty happy mood now here and everyone's like smiling because they either have 42 days of 72 days left. And it helps when there are other people Ord-ing like 1 year later than you around you. just makes you wanna rub it in. it's a joyous time of the year, and ord is a once in a life time experience. it's that transcendental awesome freedom that we're all looking forward to. now I have a 5 day weekend again. say what up.

I don;t think i'll have to do duty anymore. there's no much Pt in the morning and there's like off in lieus written all over Jan and Feb. looks like this is gonna be a swift 72 days. c'mon.c'mon.

Christmas in G minor

I slept my Christmas away.

Under the blanket. Under the soft effect of Chopin nocturnes, I really had a good afternoon nap. The weather was calm, the breeze was moderate-just-nice and everything fell into place. I've been sleeping a lot lately, I know.

This year's Christmas made me think about a lot of things. Perhaps it is my own expectations that brought everything down. On it's eve, I hung out with new friends of a few months, gotta say it was awkward at times because somehow I suddenly realize I have no close friends to spent the day with. Loneliness, if you sum it up. Memories of last year's Christmas stream in and assault me relentlessly. Having a good memory is cool in school but for such things it sucks. I can even remember the stuff to the detail that happened last Christmas. This Christmas made me wonder if I am totally over you. I mean, not that it matters because you don't pick up my calls or reply my messages anyway. But yeah, this year, I somehow just want to hide under my blanket and live in last year's world.

Of course, Christmas is not Valentine's day or a gift exchanging day or whatever. It is the birth of Christ and we should not be overly concerned about worldly matters. But it is a definite thing that things like Santa, presents, romance, parties that will never cease to distract us. In actual fact, this is just another day on the calender. but the December wind is totally different. the wind that blows through the window this year is sad, it's bitter, it's lonely and it's in G minor.

To put myself back on track this year, I had set myself routines, goals, and expectations of myself. I have signed up for a lot this year. My piano diploma examination next year requires countless of hours of practice, the Sundown marathon which I intend to get a good reasonable timing for also requires countless of hours of sweating it out. Ultimately, I have thought about all the things in life I want to accomplish, and have been trying fervently to make myself more disciplined organized and more efficient. but this is the time of the year you start wondering why you're doing all this for.

Like I've told some people. the Christmas lights in town and all that festive season ain't very healthy to look at for single dudes like me. Because this is the time of the year you need someone's hand to hold. and you look around you, and there's no one that fits the bill NOR you can imagine yourself with. I mean, the person isn't just here. Or maybe you were with that person last year but she's gone now. So you wonder, how will the next person that enters your life be like. will it be soon? will it be five years down the road. Beats me. and that is a question that is bugging me. Because I don't even know if I'm ready. And once I'm in again, all the things I've been working for will somehow make way for this person, and my focus will be disrupted and everything will suddenly seem ironically "purposeful" despite doing all the "un-meaninful" thigns. C'mon dating can be quite a time waster right.

Somehow, i lay in bed. playing with my ipod touch. it's the same bed I laid on last year talking to her on the phone after Christmas caroling. it was the same bed I borrowed my brother's Mac book to web cam with her last Christmas morning. It was the same table which I made my card for her. And it was exactly 365 days ago when i received that awesome hand made card which was the most awesome card I have ever received.

Alright it is not often that I indulge in the most intimate of my memories these days. I don't think of her anymore on a daily basis. But this is the day (christmas) which I braced myself for quite sometime back. Changing church doesn't make things any better. because the warmth which I use to experience on Christmas isn't there and because of that relative comparison, things here at the new place feels cold and unwelcoming.

Christmas is over now and thank you but I wish to carry on with my own life. Going back to camp next monday night will probably help things. Back to piano practice and running and gyming. This festive season sucks I have gotta say.

why runs are fun

I just ran 21.0km for the second time this week. it was painful, yes, on my knees, legs, especially the thighs and the after effects are awesomely tiring. But it was worth it. Because I feel so refreshed. the thing about running is you can never have a cynical run. you can never run feeling so worthless or skeptical about life because you are supposedly supposed to muster as much positive energy and encourage yourself through the miles. even when you're legs feel like they cannot carry on, you have to.

My timing, 2 hours and 8 minutes. It's slow I know. Im never gonna hit my target of 4'30 for next year's Sundown (my first 42km by the way). I want a good first try that I can be proud about. But long distance running can really be painfully fun somehow. I mean, emo kids should serious try running instead of like slashing themselves. it's painful, yes, but in a healthy way.

I guess it's the Christmas season. a bad time of the year for single dudes because it DOES get lonely sometimes when everyone is like dating and you're left alone. Not exactly left, but hey, I'm only 20. it's not time yet, thats what they all say. oh well. running is the best thing you can do because it makes you feel healthy and keeps you occupied so that you don't think about "foolishly" committing yourself to a relationship OR spending your time hooking up with girls. Anyway, being single is still more productive in terms of accomplishing what you want in life.

the lights of town make me reflect sometimes about last year. What have changed. 2010 was a tough year. My life took a big change. my meaning in life suddenly had to take a drastic change. the me before I enlisted probably did not imagine the me who is going to ORD soon. at times, I miss 2009's December. I don't know if you still think about last year. But it was happy memories wasn't it. anyway, I try not to think too much into the past. Moving on is fine. and running (again) makes things much better .I'm stronger, better, faster now. My piano is improving and I'm just a whisker away from the magic ORD date. life is surely better.

runs are funs. And it takes my mind away from alot of unnessecary bitter, unhappy, sorrowful thoughts. because I think a glass of water after a long run makes you appreciate life for what it is.

Taiwan 2010 part 1

I was considering a more flashy, introspective, or cool title. but I guess simplicity counts. I don't want looking back to archives to find something like "the meaning of Chinese" or "a summary in tea leaves and jade dragons" or something along those lines. Back to the point. I just returned from a 7 day Taiwan holiday package with my family. I won't go into the details, but basically this was a good break from routine life. I've never been to a free and easy overseas trip so I wouldn't know. but tour seems pretty cool when people around ain't that bad or easy to hang out with, and plus everything is catered so you can just lay back and relax.

So yes, I've been to a lot more places for holidays than your average guy in Singapore. Some of my friends' virgin flight was to Claymore for exercise. That is pretty sad, but again, there is nothing absolutely nothing wrong with that. Every year, I have to drag a gigantic bag and go along to a random unvisited before destination. It's almost a tradition now, it's a ritual, and i don't think my family can live a year without going for a holiday at the end of the year. maybe things will change when the older brothers grow older or maybe we get sick of it someday. there are places which I have yet to visit. yes. the more nearby ones like Malaysia and Vietnam, I haven't been there before. And there are lots of exotic countries which I have yet to set foot upon. It's almost like it's becoming a collection. Since I'm not really an avid fan of the "live the moment" kind of paradigm, I find the best way of appreciating overseas endeavors is to keep them like a collection. it's like a "to-do" list and with each trip your list grows. And yes, it's pretty cool when you name a place and I go "ah yes I have been there". It's hard to find somewhere there is "standard repertoire" for holidays which I haven't been to. Korea, Japan, Taiwan, China,Thailand, Taiwan almost all the popular places in Europe, and almost the entire Australia (state by state, yes). I've been there all. I guess I'll have a good idea of where's good to go for my honeymoon next time! AND, traveling ain't really my cup of tea anyway.

I have to say that the people in the trip does affect how it goes. It is amusing how my family can sit down and "gossip" about other people's habits or shortcomings at the end of the day. Of course, we would crack a joke or two about the uncle who spent 3000 SGD on a jade dragon which seems nothing more like a overweight paperweight to me. I mean, it can't even move it's claws or anything like lego or toy dragons which you can easily buy at Toy'saurus for a 20 bucks.
Pressure tactics are really rampant. They put you in a room, start talking about how good their product is. Or maybe indirectly try to promote their product (but it is still freaking obvious). then they get uniformed staff to come in and try to personally "pressure" people into buying. this unethical method of doing business is ridiculous. Think of it, if the product is that good, do they have to resort to such means? nay. I would say, that I've seen so many of these that sometimes it scares me to see people fall for their trap. health products or feng shui equipments always promise prosperity. but I can sell you a piece of stone on the ground and come out with a 100 page thesis on how it can make you smarter. Do you think I'll become rich. Maybe? but this is so wrong.

Places of interest that were actually interesting were definitely lacking. Mainly because there were too many trips to temples and it's variations. I have to say Chinese architecture does not appeal to me. It's true that temples and churches etc are all religious landmarks but in my humble opinion (and to no one's offense). churches are more artistically constructed. and people wow at a pipe organ and beautiful windows compared to a gigantic Buddha. There were a lot of traditional visits which, well, does not really appeal to me either. It's like places you go and you know you'll be just trying to amuse yourself or try to psych yourself into the "this is tradition" kind of mood to be able to endure through the entire place/show.

I'm kinda sleepy. it's 5 in the morning. time to go to bed! Continue tomorrow.

Duty Free

I went back to Seletar for duty yesterday and right now, I sit here quite zombie-fied as I haven't had a good night's sleep since Sunday night. (and it's tuesday). I still manage to get things done by drinking coffee, but I was tired the whole day but I just can't seem to fall asleep.

Prowling was actually quite fun because talking to Edson can be more interesting than other people. We crapped and time did fly. I mean, we actually had a conversation about conversations and how other people's conversations (with us) lack some sort of "substance". It was rather arrogant of us to assume our conversations were perfectly and interestingly intellectual but heck. And yes, I do enjoy a good talk once in awhile.

I made a decision. That is to be happy and not constantly flinch at what others may throw at me. Becoming stronger emotionally is a life time's ambition I mean, constantly in our lives we are faced with people who bug us, annoy the hell out of us, or people whom we just cannot stand looking at. People with attitudes that piss us of, people that do bad things to us, people who gossip about us, people who we think do not respect us. There are tons of people like that out there. The solution I have came up with is to disregard their existence, Ignore and Deny as if their words and their actions whereby they have no effect on anything in this world. Everything they say become nullified but this "invincible paradigm". It is probably impossible to love your enemies but it is possible to ignore them. In this world, we know that garbage exist and stuff that agonizes our nose (hint, you can find them in the toilet) exist. But we do not have to keep opening the thrash can to relive the experience or to curse and swear about why does rubbish stink! No one would do that. We just accept that, first, there are smelly things in this world, and two, we do not want to be exposed to them and thirdly we avoid them or put them away whenever possible. I shall just do that with annoying people now. Why would I keep opening the garbage bin and smelling it's contents over and over again. Hatred, is just like that. You can kick the black rubbish bag as much as you want but the end of the day, you're the one suffering the stench that comes from it.

I'm tired and sleepy. It's time to go to bed. I don't know what's install for tomorrow. Frankly, I fear that I might be going to be outfield for quite sometime.

Need a break

I've been meaning to blog over the past few days. 2nd week of Nee Soon phase is over! now it's down to the last week whereby it is more outfields and then finally the summary exercise woodpecker. I don't really know because basically I've been sleeping in bunk a lot and IMM-ing (itouch movie marathon). I watch countless episodes of Criminal minds and the movie "the social network" over the past week. Relaxing life. That is so the way to go!

Next week won't be exactly the same. Duty on Monday, which is sadly, going to burn my stay out. Exercise night is going to burn one day of Stay out. So minus the already by default Friday Book out, I'm left with a net profit of 2 days. not so much. And I'm currently dreading doing duty on Monday night.

I believe it is about 112 days to ORD. I really do not wish to go back to camp to see my platoon mates. Some people are okay, some are borderline, some are really not okay. Sometimes, I just look at this world and sigh. You cannot change people nor expect people to behave the way you want them to. To quote, I actually had one guy told me that staying at home whole day playing piano is boring. MY Goodness . That is worthy of being blasphemous. They blast rock music in bunk and they think it's cool. Some people think riding a motorbike is cool, when it's so not. I mean, real classy people ride in say, expensive branded cars. All that stuff with smoking, ahbeng-ish is totally uncool, and unintelligent. I am a classical music elitist because I believe that listen to Mozart does make you few notches higher on the intellectuality scale. Music is not about taste, it is about intelligence. And there is some article on that correlation and I just have to dig it out.

This brings me back to primary school where I "un-friended" a close friend of mine because we shared differing views on which cartoons were "better". I really believed I was right, and right now what I am feeling is just an augmentation of that similar trait I had at childhood.

I'm really tired of this world. and living in it because things don't go the way you always want it to. I avoid people because they never live up to your expectations. They behave in a way which is non coherent with my "main character" perspective of life. The world does not revolve around me? And so I will detach myself from the world because there is no reason to live in a sucky world just like how there is no reason to continue playing a losing game. I just want to win all the time. Is that wrong? is that childish? Is that delusional?

Bitterness. I suffer from plenty of that. People who have even done the slightest wrong thing which had offended me even in a minor way. The things which I wanted but could not have. I even bear bitterness against myself. (which is pretty sad).

Army life does change people a little. Here and there. But it is coming to an end. there are times where I had to suck up my own pride (and thumb) just to avoid a ridiculous argument. or because I have given up on letting people see my point. there are times where I stayed under the radar and kept quiet when my lines were being crossed. but all that was just to survive. Because I had to bear with living with "these other people" for the next who knows how many months to go. It was a tactical decision. But now, it's all coming to an end. I don't really care about who I might offend, because I think right from the very start, those bonds weren't there. Friendship. Bleh, doesn't exist. Because right from the very start we were all coerced into this, we all had no choice. It's like people stranded on an island forced to be nice to each other so as to survive the day. But when rescue comes, and a helicopter with limited spaces flows by. All hells will break loose and people's ugly nature will then emerge to fight for their own selfish cause of getting out of the island. You need not to be a genius to realize this. But I have lost hope in friendship or people.

People can get along only when they assume there's mutual respect. (which in my opinion, may not really exist just like we assume)

I'm tired. With all that emotional drama within me. The ghosts of the past, the enemy right in front of me, and the lurking uncertainty of the future all faces me in a three pronged attack. I just come home sometimes trying not to paddle and waddle in cynical goo which had caught me since day one. I try to stand up straight and do things right. This is where and when I go up to the piano and try to practice to set things right. Life does have to have a meaning. And because I have given up on people, the meaning I find have to be greater to compensate for what I have loss.

I'm exhausted. Really tired of all this. Maybe i'm delusional. Maybe I am just my own victim of my mind's hunting. I need to regain my sanity.

Sunshine. Again

I thought the last time I was going to sit on the back on a jeep on a bumpy adventure was at Thailand. I was wrong. I did a pretty good replication just a few hours ago. The hot humid sun, blazing upon us on our shelter-less jeeps and the "aircon" in our helmets do nothing but warm us further. And it rained too! oh my. I'm becoming too comfortable slacking in bunk everyday that a little 3 hour outfield was going to kill me.

Granted. Booking out after outfields feel great.(compared to lazing around in bunk the entire day. the relativity sinks in) Wearing the LBV is now like a big chore. I don't know. I have been too pampered. Tomorrow we'll be going outfield again and then again and again for every single day. Luckily, mornings are free and easy. If not I'll prefer to stay in Seletar.

I should stop whining because even if I go outfield, I do nothing there. I don't even wear my LBV. I just leave them lying on the jeep. And I do nothing but sit there and enjoy the breeze. then maybe walk into the training shed and laze around a little. Pretty slack. but outfield is still no good.

A good 17 more weeks to ORD! Wednesday is a public holiday! YAY!

I'm in a good mood tonight.

the inner me

I realize I am severely narcissistic. I have a lot against this world because this world does not value me as much as I value myself. I ought to be the best, and deserve the best. I live life as if I'm the only main character. Maybe that is why I have so many disputes and unhappiness with other people. I am selfish, I cannot stand losing, so what? With such a personality, I can never be happy. Because my happiness is so lofty, and impossible to attain. I can only be cynical, and whine and whine and whine. And make myself and the people around me unhappy. Because my feet ain't on the ground. I'm a human being, but it's like I want to fly, I want to have everything I want. And life doesn't always meet my expectations.

Maybe that is why I stay away from people. I have almost zero friends. good friends I mean. I don't really want to talk to people because they all have their own thoughts. What is wrong with trying to control people's thoughts and believes. I cannot stand it when someone disagrees with me. I always believe I right, even when I clearly know that I am wrong.

Sometimes, I wonder if it will evolve into something more serious.

People always label me. Arrogant, selfish, conceited, overconfident, self centered. To sum it up FOLKS, the word is narcissistic!

Fighting Spirit, Need some

Everything is not clear. I need the details. You play the rough outline but it's not clear. Not clear, not clear not clear! I hear this so many times on a Saturday morning. And that is enough to fail you, says my teacher. I am demoralized.

Because there is evidently something wrong with my playing. Something which can "either take very long or short", in other words, have no idea how long it'll take.

Where was the bold me who went into the exam hall totally unprepared for test and feeling confidently that he will figure something out on the spot...where is my "unjustified" confidence that took me through school years. now I turn around at every challenging point and too afraid of failure. Grown up? Perhaps. Maturity teaches us not to rush blindly at our opponents but it makes us cowards.

TY. you'll work something out. maybe it's not that you aren't talented but there is something wrong with the way your practicing. Remember, SLOW, and steady. FIRST. C'mon, you can do it. Show some fighting spirit!

Not a nights out

Don't worry I'm not going to narrate each and every day and every single minute detail of my life in ETI. I did close to nothing today. Again. Gym-ed, slept, read my music theory book, watched criminal minds on my Itouch? Tomorrow I'll finally have work to do. Not exactly a good thing. 6 man carrier boat doesn't sound fun and I haven't used an OBM before. What the heck.

People are starting to become aware of my stay out status, plus the fact that I book in each morning just to wait till 5 and book out. I wonder if the course instructors are expecting a high standard from us "auxiliary" instructors, thus the majorly overdosed welfare (stay out plus stay in bunk whole day what more can I ask?). I hope I don't get screwed too badly when I reveal (hopefully in the most discrete manner) that I forgot NUTS about everything.

123 days to ORD! It's a nice number, but nicer when it drops further. I can't wait to cease living in a "communal environment" where selfishness and self centeredness cannot exist. Every action you make you have to consider because you're always being observed and watched by platoon mates. You cannot do as you wish, in other words. There is nothing wrong with a little selfishness. But I really do not like waking up learning to deal with all sorts of people and their temperament. Nothing in particular has happened. But when good things happen to you, people watch you with green eyes. When bad things happen, either they tell you to suck it up, OR they give you "fake sympathy". Yes, people empathize. It's like " I know you signed extra, I know how it feels. I know and I care, are very different matters altogether".

Ultimately, it's what matters to oneself that one will care about. For example, the book out file went "MIA" just when i was about to book out and I had my dad waiting at the camp gates for me and I was pressed for time. I attempted to find it at where it ought to become, and the people who ought to have kept it well did bother to find, but they were lacking that sense of urgency. they just left it in the lecture room! It's true. they're stay IN, I'm stay OUT. that is the line between what is worth going the extra mile for. In army it's not so easy to get into a locked room because some "unnecessary" paper work and drawing of keys from another 100 meter away room is required. It was just a nonchalant "you go there, draw that key, open that room and take the file and come back bunk and sign". Sounds easy, because everyone is just changing down to admin attire at starting to rot into their beds.

Compare and contrast. If the file were to go missing on a friday, imagine the chaos. Everyone will be frantically searching for that damn file. It's true. Only when something matters to a person will they put in effort. No human being will go an extra mile for just another fellow platoon mate. They will not even care. And that is how the book out file landed itself LOCKED in the lecture room in the first place.

I'm not pissed. Because if I was in the same shoes as them, I would have done the same thing. Sit back, chill and relax. And take up the 'who ask you be a stay out personnel" attitude and with folded arms I wouldn't care shit. This is just sucky human nature.

To be honest, there are a few who can take hardship and not complain but there are fewer who can watch others enjoy a good fortune without a pinch of jealousy. While the others go for lessons, they peep into my room and find me just lying their feeling so bored on my bed. I have slept beyond my fatigue levels again and again.

There is still 10 weeks left of next year whereby it is effectively a drought of public holidays minus CNY. December is holiday month, while November is staying out phase for me. It's a matter of (I think) 18 weeks. There are countless people whom I find annoying, I want to quickly finish this crap up. NS does have it's up points. but dealing with people is tiring.

A more urban freedom

This morning I walked into a pitch dark Nee Soon Camp. Everything seemed so gloomy. First day as "Auxiliary Instructors". Sounds as if it was a menacing task ahead, but if you really read into what I did for the entire day, it's pretty cool life. The urban life style of Nee Soon camp and a few feet from my bunk doorstep takes you to a very urban view of other equally high buildings and a tennis court. Thus, the name 'nee soon condominium" I gave it. Canteens are everywhere, and bunks have lifts!

Book in timing was ridiculously early. 0630 at the cookhouse because they indented breakfast for us! Argh, screw SAF rules! Kenneth choose not to stay out. Can't help it, I have a 15 minute away "teleportation" from home and not everyone does I woke up at 0530, feeling all achy from sleep deprivation aches. cold winds in the morning, and the early morning drizzle makes things gloomy but I managed to get changed into PT attire and consume the horribly cooked bee hoon served at the cook house. Eating meals provided by SAF is just like entertaining them. a formality. it's like, if you visit a person's home and he cooks for you out of courtesy you'll eat it even if it tastes horrible. Not to mention the various minor implications of having fussy taste buds and vehemently and persistently rejecting SAF good could be a magic number called 1206 which forces you to pay for something you DID NOT eat.

But still. Stay out is enticing. Because for us combat personnel, we're frankly quite sick of staying in. And this is a good opportunity for some fresh air! Not to mention, my sergeants and understudies HAVE to stay IN because it's their course!

And so I slept in. Had a choice of whether to go for orientation run, but no. Sleeping in bunk was better. I wanted to run but my butt cheeks still ached from badminton with clement. So three of us, we slept in. Woke up occasionally to change the music or stop the music. then woke up abruptly suddenly and began reading books. it was just random rotting on our bed (which still does not have a bed sheet!) one large bunk! three people. And the furniture in the bunk looks as if it's imported from Ikea! The showers at nee soon are legendary! Because the pressure makes you feel as if you don't want to get out of that damn cubicle! seriously. I think my bathing time increased by threefold just because of the shower!

So we rotted under our stomachs growled and decided to walk abit around to find food. there is no such thing as branch under SAF so we had to hunt for a place with food and it's called, the "canteen". We walked about 1km around and found some large canteen which resembles a typical school canteen. YUM! Breakfast! suddenly it seems as if we have so much freedom!. without telling anyone, we just could sneak away as we like, walk to anywhere anyhow, as we like. And do anything as we please. I saw lots of higher ranking people walking around, but since I was in PT attire (and by then it was 10am+ in the morning),I assume there was no need for any formal greetings. We just walked around as if we owned the camp.

Pre lunch time. I sat on my bed playing Sudoku on my Ipod. And reading books, listening to music. It was so relaxing that I kept dozing off and falling asleep! Post lunch was even better. We drew the gym key and went for a work out! And at 1615 we were back in bunk changing and ready to book out!

What a day. Relaxing. Urban Freedom. Legendary Showers. Nothing to do. And coming home to have a warm dinner and play the piano! Cool life. I want to stay there forever!

On a side note, it may be because today's the first day. Subsequently, I'll have jobs and roles to play. And I may even have to go SBO on and chiong the exercise with them. But still, I'm an "instructor" so maybe this status does make me slightly more invulnerable to SAI KANG. Still, I personally know that I know nothing about this course right now. it's been 13 months since I was at Nee soon was a trainee. How am I supposed to even remember anything!.

I only remember the showers were great! And my (hanged) underwear dropped down 6 floors cause of a random idiotic gigantic wind.