I've been meaning to blog over the past few days. 2nd week of Nee Soon phase is over! now it's down to the last week whereby it is more outfields and then finally the summary exercise woodpecker. I don't really know because basically I've been sleeping in bunk a lot and IMM-ing (itouch movie marathon). I watch countless episodes of Criminal minds and the movie "the social network" over the past week. Relaxing life. That is so the way to go!
Next week won't be exactly the same. Duty on Monday, which is sadly, going to burn my stay out. Exercise night is going to burn one day of Stay out. So minus the already by default Friday Book out, I'm left with a net profit of 2 days. not so much. And I'm currently dreading doing duty on Monday night.
I believe it is about 112 days to ORD. I really do not wish to go back to camp to see my platoon mates. Some people are okay, some are borderline, some are really not okay. Sometimes, I just look at this world and sigh. You cannot change people nor expect people to behave the way you want them to. To quote, I actually had one guy told me that staying at home whole day playing piano is boring. MY Goodness . That is worthy of being blasphemous. They blast rock music in bunk and they think it's cool. Some people think riding a motorbike is cool, when it's so not. I mean, real classy people ride in say, expensive branded cars. All that stuff with smoking, ahbeng-ish is totally uncool, and unintelligent. I am a classical music elitist because I believe that listen to Mozart does make you few notches higher on the intellectuality scale. Music is not about taste, it is about intelligence. And there is some article on that correlation and I just have to dig it out.
This brings me back to primary school where I "un-friended" a close friend of mine because we shared differing views on which cartoons were "better". I really believed I was right, and right now what I am feeling is just an augmentation of that similar trait I had at childhood.
I'm really tired of this world. and living in it because things don't go the way you always want it to. I avoid people because they never live up to your expectations. They behave in a way which is non coherent with my "main character" perspective of life. The world does not revolve around me? And so I will detach myself from the world because there is no reason to live in a sucky world just like how there is no reason to continue playing a losing game. I just want to win all the time. Is that wrong? is that childish? Is that delusional?
Bitterness. I suffer from plenty of that. People who have even done the slightest wrong thing which had offended me even in a minor way. The things which I wanted but could not have. I even bear bitterness against myself. (which is pretty sad).
Army life does change people a little. Here and there. But it is coming to an end. there are times where I had to suck up my own pride (and thumb) just to avoid a ridiculous argument. or because I have given up on letting people see my point. there are times where I stayed under the radar and kept quiet when my lines were being crossed. but all that was just to survive. Because I had to bear with living with "these other people" for the next who knows how many months to go. It was a tactical decision. But now, it's all coming to an end. I don't really care about who I might offend, because I think right from the very start, those bonds weren't there. Friendship. Bleh, doesn't exist. Because right from the very start we were all coerced into this, we all had no choice. It's like people stranded on an island forced to be nice to each other so as to survive the day. But when rescue comes, and a helicopter with limited spaces flows by. All hells will break loose and people's ugly nature will then emerge to fight for their own selfish cause of getting out of the island. You need not to be a genius to realize this. But I have lost hope in friendship or people.
People can get along only when they assume there's mutual respect. (which in my opinion, may not really exist just like we assume)
I'm tired. With all that emotional drama within me. The ghosts of the past, the enemy right in front of me, and the lurking uncertainty of the future all faces me in a three pronged attack. I just come home sometimes trying not to paddle and waddle in cynical goo which had caught me since day one. I try to stand up straight and do things right. This is where and when I go up to the piano and try to practice to set things right. Life does have to have a meaning. And because I have given up on people, the meaning I find have to be greater to compensate for what I have loss.
I'm exhausted. Really tired of all this. Maybe i'm delusional. Maybe I am just my own victim of my mind's hunting. I need to regain my sanity.
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