Mayday mayday

May is ending.

May was fast. With the surfeit of long weekends, excessive EFOs. life was good. Enter June. a world of hell. training schedule predicts short weekends, 5 day weeks. and many irritating standby and parades.

this weekend I didn't accomplish much, very sadly. I did manage to run quite a bit thought. Getting my fitness up is one of my priority. I want to pass SOC before I ORD!

Doing duty tomorrow. Sad life. Next week is close combat week! ACCT! I want to learn Wing Chun, not some lame SAF fighting style which does not work. it is based on the silly assumption that your opponent will fall just when you ESP him to. You and your opponent will work together. What a fight! it's just lame.

this weekend, I somehow felt more alive. because I kept running. and I kept sleeping. time passed so quickly. half of my vesak day was spent sleeping. oh wow. that's so productive. i didn't play much piano. sadly.

Ive been thinking of booking in with a fan for a long time. but I've been too lazy to.

random. I really actually don't feel like blogging now.

Fire!

It was already midnight when I reached home yesterday. Spent my day at live range, which was pretty much easier than ATP. I got myself marksman because combat shoot is just inherently much easier because of several factors. we're using SAR21 so the scope is l33t and 1.5 magnification is useful. it's only foxhole supported position. (no prone and squat!!) and the targets are figures 11/12. With sar and such big targets, it's hard to miss. Just put the target into your scope and then fire!

But one different thing is about the crossfire enabled rule and the combat ruling. by night, IA's and rifles that can't be cocked anymore was pretty much every where. In my first combat foxhole shoot with my team, I suffered 4 IAs in the role which caused me to keep clearing my IA like forever and having to keep track of the number of rounds and target boards (or waves of) coming up. thankfully we were a 5-man team and had 6 man's worth of target boards. the boards I missed while remedying my IA were compensated. I was like shooting 2-3 targets in one wave by the ending waves! My buddies were quite stunned because they kept hearing no firing from my hole and only the constant cocking and reloading of the magazine. OMG. I still had a bad score. but still, it was decent because other people end up having countless unexpended rounds but I expended all (except that one round that flew out of my chamber after IA).

My instinctive drills went well. I only missed one. My team mates got IA and end up losing quite alot of targets. End up we realized this segment (to be counted individually) was quite crucial in determining marksmanship!

I was quite an average shooter by day but I was a bobo by night. I kept missing easy predictable targets! I can't really determine why. but the reason why I didn't get marksman on m16 ATP was also because of night shoot. and it was the figure 11 illume targets. I missed a few. but thankfully, I didn't require even a high score on the night shoot to obtain marksman, even a lower than average night shoot score would suffice. it was the same, combat reloading and crossfire shooting. I managed to miss 5. 0.o

Overall, I still got something like 32/38 (i assume).

staring into the white wall

It's nights out again!

this week is going to pass super fast. combat shoot on thursday which means I probably book out on friday morning or late night on thursday. Combat shoot is a variant of the ATP (advanced train fire package) and it's more "realistic" because it's a team game instead of a solo battle against lonely target boards. Now all target boards are open to all firers and the total score one would get is the team's score. You can combat reload, you can shoot your friend's lanes. that's a nice add-on. It's a chance to combat reload and do whatever you want! (without getting screwed). I'm kind of looking forward to it. Somewhat. But going to range again is kind of a sad thing isn't it.

the future looks bleak though. June is filled with the scary five day week with parades, no early fall out fridays, no clear leaves or offs or whatsoever. that is just so scary.

I have nothing really significant to say today. it's a sleepy day. I'd rather be sleeping in camp than coming back. I made quite good progress on my pieces though :) I am super happy about it. But I had to rely on coffee again for the temporary boost. I had to come back to get my specs if not I'm going to end up shooting the sand pit on thursday.

Just a "this is what is going on" kind of post here.

And I'm staring into the white wall most of the time tonight.

Alternating

I've come to realize

My weekends are happy-sad-happy-sad.

alternating.

One weekend I'll be happy, the next I'll be depressed.

I wonder why. this is such a joke.

on the road, again.

Yesterday I got myself into what I call shitty nostalgia. Sitting in the driver's seat again, with a PDL. man, that sucks. I have to constantly turn my head to pretending I am looking at something which I don't care about. I have to take special note of all that myriad of things which after 1000km on the road, I could pretty much close one eye about. And yes, the best of all, I forgot the existence of stop lines.

It's been about more than a half a year since I've gotten my dear military license from kaki bukit camp. It was the fifth test, which suggests that 1) I have no talent in driving 2) I am a reckless and dangerous driver. this civilian car here, is a piece of glass. I swear. I got reprimanded many times because I stepped my feet on the accelerator with too much force (in my defense, I thought that was already quite light). the gear stick is weird. and there's gear 5! I didn't give my instructor a good impression. He kept scolding me for pressing everything so hard. I stalled the engine countless of times because of the glass clutch. Everything is like going to break. I have power which i cannot control, and have not accustomed myself to.

Blame the SAF Jeep.

I cannot see the bonnet, which is weird. Omg, I think I am going nuts.

this is not going to be as easy as I thought. I think I really have to get used to this new (and normal) vehicle. but normal, is abnormal to me!

Plus, I have ten thousand other bad habits from nonchalant driving. I have 1000Km of road experience, but all of it are detrimental experiences. Sadly.

I am going to have my lesson again on thursday night. I am quite not looking forward to it. I'm hoping I get my license by early november or october. this sucks. it's no more express 6 lessons + 1 X good test to get my license. it's more than familiarizing, it's a whole new car. Damn it.

Shit. I don't like this.

time check

It's a lazy Sunday afternoon. I'm about to have my 1st driving lesson ever. the instructor is coming to pick me up. I am rather excited and I can't wait to drive in a car with doors and windows and a proper air conditioned air flow. Finally I don't have to wear helmets!

As May is coming to an end, I find myself approaching June (I am exactly saying the same thing btw). But, when we all were posted to survey last year, this was around this point of time where we saw the earlier batch and sighed in envy just because they were going to ORD soon. (like in 7-8 months). that was soon to us. and now it's happening to us!

Look back Ty. just look back. I still remember that green shirt I wore to tekong. the fear in me when I only had 1X black and white cellphone and 1 extra battery to last 2 weeks. it was like being kidnapped to who knows where. uncertainties, fears. And the myriad of "do not do" things which made life suffocating hell. the first time I put on my smart no 4 and I got punished because I really folded it like shit. the first time doing the water parade. the countless PTs under the scorching parade square of Jaguar COY. doing SOC for the 1st time. falling sick in field camp. All the way to the 24km route march.

So much time have passed. No, so many events have passed. I've got to say we all been through a lot in the past year or so. booking in and out is like routine now. though right now we don't march, we go to canteens on our own initiative. we play games in our air conditioned office. we sleep about mostly in excess except on special occasions. PT is still there, no doubt. but the days of regimentation are over. it's so free and easy nowadays. nights out X 2 every week makes the week go by really fast. even a 4 day week feels freaking long because we're used to going home every half a week instead of every week. I've really got to reflect.

At the point of time now, and the mark I am standing suggests that I have about 9 months 2-3 weeks left to go. It's not tediously long, but not really short either. it's a time of reflection. because i believe that over all these trials and tribulations I have grown. If not in strength but in handling situations and people.

Despite the numerous benefits and possibilities that national service have given me, I still would like to stick to the good ol' waste of a freaking time.

I just like looking at the bright side. the only bright happy thing right now is that it's not about half full or half empty because it's more than half over! (okay this is cheesy). we're heading towards the last real damn lap. it's not a time to curse and swear and look on ebay for a time machine to give me back the lost time or sue SAF for the waste of time. it's the time to savor the times where time doesn't matter because you've lost it already anyway. it's a 2 years where I don't feel guilty playing pokemon by weekdays and sleeping by weekends. b

really. these 2 years. could have been better spent. but this kind of stuff, you can never work it out just simply by statistics. what is a waste of time may not be entirely a waste of time. perhaps, when i start to see things this way I don't really get depressed. I've got to say I didn't really have the slackest NS adventure of all, but surely it's not easy. and I'm beginning to talk like I've ord-ed. the fact is, I'm counting down and I'm making sure time does it's job right.

Meaning

We are all desperate people. At every point, we see ourselves as unstable. then we seek to find that missing piece to make ourselves stable. we chase things, we seek love. just when we think we found happiness, it runs away. there is no end to satisfaction. there is no such thing as permanent satisfaction, but merely constant dissatisfaction. that's the sad fact. if there was a canvas to life, it would be dark, it would be black, it would be sad. and we have to constantly find small flickers of light to keep ourselves from going blind from darkness.

Emptiness. Meaninglessness.

We all have an idea of what life is ought to be. We all know what we want. and it's just about living it out. We always need our heart to burn for something. If not, life is meaningless. Even if our hearts burn, it is only temporary. we have to keep reigniting the flame, otherwise, when there is nothing burning, life feels cold and meaningless.

There are more things that annoy us that make us happy. there are more things in life that are sad than painful. it is like a negative world with a small spark of happiness to keep us going. it's like, doing hard labour with a lolipop in your mouth. negligible. and we all just do it for that little bit of candy. sadly.

I am sitting here intrigued by the meaninglessness of life. Maybe it is after all, the same old national service problem. weekends don't have a meaning, they feel terribly lonely. I practice the same pieces on the piano again and again and the only thing that is driving me is to perform a flawless jaw dropping performance some day either in the examination room or somewhere out there. I always have dreams and that is what keeps me going. but there are clouds now and it's raining out there. this is where I am not satisfied. because I feel like I've lost what it is like to burn. I am self sufficient. I am quite stable, and I am well and alive. but there is nothing to seek. nothing to do. time has locked me in. it's like a jail, a prison.

I already find myself to have a much more sophisticated calling than most people. Playing the piano puts me one notch above most people. at least against people who are solely devoted to the superficial pleasures of materialism or unhealthy substance abuse. I am not here to judge who is cool and who is uncool. because everything is about perspective.

Being in camp makes me feel this meaninglessness less directly. because I can just look forward to booking out/nights out because that is when my life continues. Because life is like scaled down in camp. Sleeping-in and afternoon naps are privileges and hard to come by. Even a day without any fatigue work to do is kind of rare. that is where we savor these things so much.

Compare and contrast. my life at home. I sit at my desk the entire day just indulging in facebook voyeurism while doing the piano-rest-piano-rest cycle. I don't really fancy going out with friends, I don't have a clique. And it is hard to find people whom I get along with.

time seems to stop again

It's a sunday morning. I didn't go to church, want to take a breather. rest is good. my brain has been suffering from emotional relapses as well as current turmoils which cause me to think a lot. that incident on the unlucky friday the 14th has made me think a lot this weekend and I really hate that feeling.

today I almost lost the card you gave me. my mum repacked my drawer without myself knowing. I had refrained from opening that drawer for like a few months. and only today when I had to find a pair of scissors I opened it rather innocently and gosh it wasn't there! I was petrified, more of a nasty shock. where was it?

You're facebook is gone. You don't pick up my calls. Sometimes, I feel as if those things you left me were my only reminder of you. You're like dead, you know. Sometimes, I wonder if you're still alive. it's that kind of feeling. if I lose those things you gave me, it's like losing the memory of you. I want to be able to dig my pile of stuff five years down the road and smile when i see those stuff. when the pain have gone and the sweet memories start flowing it. yea, thats why I'm still keeping those stuff. to remind me that you existed.

I don't feel happy now. I have to book in early tonight because there's range. the pending incident makes me feel very uncomfortable. and now emotionally i feel disturbed. i don't know. I need a leaning shoulder. i feel very vulnerable, very weak. I feel scared and uncomfortable.

this just goes to show, life is unpredictable. on thursday i just posted that it was very peaceful and mundane in camp and now look at what happened.

Now I can only wait and see what happens. I only know that I'm not happy.

Implicated

Imagine if you can. You go into someone else's backyard and offer to clean his garden for free. while sweeping and clearing up you find a dead body. Immediately you screamed and alerted the people around. then the next thing you find yourself handcuffed and interrogated intensely at the police station. after awhile, they released you because you are merely the person who discovered the dead body. but how would you feel?

No, I did not find a dead body. this is merely a analogy. But yes, something like this happened.

Alright. it's a a saturday morning. My weekend is now "messed up" because there are a lot things on my mind such that I cannot relax in peace. I am relaxing, but not entirely. this sucks.

You can implicate me. You can find me again, But you cannot punish me. :)

Just another filler

It's nights out now. Tomorrow is Friday! Which means weekends are here soon!

Tuesday I felt gloomy and depressed because I just had nothing to look forward to. Today I feel so charged and inspired. I don't know why. but the little little things which piss me off could actually make me happy. I felt happy and good on the piano today because I started doing bar-by-bar meticulous practice which makes me actually more confident on those annoying passages. I've been playing Pokemon in camp and cycling up and down goldenrod trying to breed for an Adamant Beldum and it took me forever and a persistent headache to get there. worthy sacrifice? perhaps not.

I just have so much entertainment in camp that it scares me. Movies left unwatched in my Ipod and so much to do in the Pok'emon world that it is disturbing. I didn't play badminton this week. Perhaps this weekend, or maybe next week.

Everyone's going for range and it feel good to be left out! While others are doing their technical handling tests and rehearsals we're just rotting away in our air conditioned office. But next week sucks because we're going to be the advance party (aka blangas) doing stores for the live range which really really sucks. Sand bags, target boards here we come! 430am move off time, nicely planned. i can forsee the adverse effects of lack of sleep, semi-outfield conditions and no nights off on tuesday! SUCKS! and we don't get to fire anything, or get 200 dollars nor 2 days off.

Tomorrow is friday and what scares me is that we can spent a whole afternoon cleaning the bunk and fail the standby area. That is the bane of all worries. give me a 10km run! but don't make me clean my bed ten million times. it just demoralizes us to book out with our bodies drenched with dust or toilet bowl water. even after a bath, that is so not nice and something to avoid if possible.

Back

I've been away for awhile. Posting on another blog but deleted it because I miss this blog too much. I don't know what it means to keep memories, but for now I just want a space to sort out all the entangled issues in my heart.

It's night's off now and I am sitting in front of my desk contemplating my life. Introspective mood, I would say. Life has been imbued with some sort of tranquility these days. Camp life is pretty stable. it's 10 months to ORD btw and claymore has been reduced to two weeks. Lots of troublesome changes here and there to the regimental aspect, but it's still sleeping in the office +ipod + pokemon these days so it's pretty fine. I'm putting on weight but Pt in the morning is the only thing which is saving me. I start to think a lot, with all this time in my hands.

Emptiness. Ever since I broke up, there is this emptiness. It sucks, but it might be just revealing that I might have been using her as a substitute for a real reason and meaning in life. I should be finding something more concrete to lean on. And besides, making one girl the meaning in your life is quite a foolish thing to do isn't it. Never rely on others to make yourself happy.

Been going out more often the past week and so on. Going out for army friends. Movies after movies, swensens. It's some sort of a fun which I have neglected for sometime. I still spent quite a lot time with my family, which can sometimes feel rewarding. It's meaningful, but yet there is still something which stinks of emptiness. Something that is lacking.

It's this the plague of a 20 year old single male. A man living with 12 other men day in day out. The lack of opposite gender interactions are what plague most single, non-clubbers NSF out there. It's not that sad as you think, but it does have adverse effects on how we behave and think.

But still. I seek deeper meaning in life. Like I said, I should never rely on other people for my own happiness. Whether it's a girl, or the friend who promised me a game of badminton but backed out. Sometimes I should just learn to stare at the sky and feel happy. I am sincere, in fact, I want to be honest to myself. When I am happy, I acknowledge it and embrace it, and when I'm upset, I don't want to pretend that I'm happy. Emotions exist for a reason. Maturity conceals it, but it doesn't unnecessarily converts it.

I think about a lot of things. And this blog here is to digest these thoughts.

I have to return soon. For now, there is no meaning in life. the meaning is to be happy, with nothing. that is the idea of the game for now.