Ambivalent ramifications

The sequence of perplexing thoughts sequaciously breeds ramifications-of ambivalent nature. The root and final outcome lies of the same kind. (oh crap) This suggests circular motion again. (oh wow). When will I break out of the affliction of a mind that works towards convergence. Listening to Mozart makes me happy now (really!). Amidst the confusing environment where everyone is obliged to think in an oblique course, sometimes we should embrace the ephemeral. For once.

Sometimes, the evident evidence of duality in many things is really scary. More often than not, we are ambivalent towards other people, other things. (this really is that frigging word I have been searching for since day one, thanks wei song!) Otherwise, we are bias. ( that is more of a two pronged attack actually ) Sometimes, we all do experience some kind of split personality. That is simply more consistent inconsistency of behavior. We all contradict ourselves once in awhile. We all behave not like ourselves sometimes and behave like ourselves sometimes that it blurs the meaning of "ourself". We are constantly changing and so Heisenberg uncertainty principle serves as a good analogy. How accurate is body language when a person's thoughts is moving like a train (like the saying-a train of thoughts? HAH!).

I made my point. Precisely or not is another problem. Either way. Time is ticking (again). I hate this hackneyed point of mine. Yesterday's party was rather enjoyable. "Relatively" because not everyone glued themselves to "rock band" or it's variants. Though I used to think it's simple, but it ain't as simple as it looks. I still gotta give credit to people who can not perceive that sort of sound to be music. (really, I have to resist being acerbic here). It is actually hard and hats off to people who find comfort in actually wasting their time. Well, I didn't do much better. I laughed so hard that I literally ROFL (roll on the floor laughing) at some silly commercials on the TV. "whose line was it anyway" was really mind blowing. Literally, it owned me.

Today did not feel like Sunday. The festive season somehow has it's paws on every single moment. I keep getting the vibes and I actually do get more hyper. It's this "feeling obliged thing". I think I'm opening up more. I think I'm becoming less antisocial. I think I'm actually trying to be sociable right now. I think I am making a big fuss of nothing (and making mountains out of molehills is a deep thinker's field of work). Okay, sad digress but anyway playing the piano at the Piano Man Shop today was another daunting experience. An annoying feeling I've experienced is receiving praise you do not deserve. I played La Campanella (I am VERY out of practice, I know). Strangers said it was good. Well, when I played Revolutionary I suddenly had like five people coming into the shop standing there. When I stopped I noticed. People praised me despite that sloppiness. What discomfort. When I jolly well know the wrong notes I have, the tempo fluctuations, the things which I just BLURRED through (literally). And it made people so amused (or mirthful I would say) [new word I learn].

Today is already in the past tense. I have no more time to practice. I am getting sloppy. From bad to worst. I already have no hope. Someone save me. I am getting depressed.

Resonance

Where did I last stop. Many days have gone by just like that. We're heading towards a gigantic ice berg, where the ship of socializing, fun, party and so on will crash into these huge obstacle. And then we're sink into that icy cold dimension which we usually refer to as "everyday life". I usually have this dramatization of how holidays will end and school will begin. This year, however, is one drastic change, where "routine" is procrastinated, and then, I will (ironically), be 'plagued" with loneliness and lack of activity again. The humdrum nature of life kicks in, and it will definitely take some adaptation to get used to it.

No school next year and even in the more distant future. School is water and I'm in a desert. I am caught up in all that socializing and partying that guilt and remorse is overwhelming me. Why do I feel as if my life is going to end soon? I always get that sickening feeling!

So much for direction. The future looks bleak, but I don't really care. After all, happiness or unhappiness is just a mere feeling, a feeling that is overrated. The concept of relativity is very applicable here. If happiness in life is one straight line it wouldn't be worth living, but only in the sinusoidal path of happiness it is possible for anything to become close to palpable. Excitement is the derivative of feelings and if you differentiate emotions you get thrill. (think of it graphically) This is something which I've kept close in my mind for sometime.

I've always wanted to say that writing Christmas cards for a circle of friends suddenly weighed more negative than positive. Again, it might not be a pro-cons discussion but I am inclined to believe that on a whole, on a macro-scale, it does more damage than good. It is a time where people evaluate their circle of friends and really sit down to see who they prefer. Trust me, if you write cards you will know. It is a time where you put everyone on that large gigantic judgment scale whether you like it or not. You tend to write more for people you prefer, write more with people you can click with. For people whom you find no affinity with, you might not even feel like writing a card. I finally understand all of these, from a sender's perspective and the receiving end as well. the plague of the human mind is relativity really.

There will be a series of events which will follow along the closure of this year. Omega night, new year stay over and there's a birthday party these evening. From my perspective I think this is the last ever long holiday I am going to experience. But I have to say I am not exactly enjoying myself. Naturally, people who are narrow minded (like me), tend to think more. (trust me, the only way to dig deeper is to dig straight for very obvious trigonometrical reasons!), I like to think in one direction very intensively. I tend to indulge in introspection and unhappiness, sometimes I wallow in self pity. I'm an intellectual emo. (putting it bluntly). And perhaps this will never change because I'm like this. But still, I yearn to be emotional stable. But somehow I start to feel things resonating.

Untimely inspiration

AHHHHH

8 year old playing WINTER WIND on youtube. CRAP. I'm struggling with the first page. Technically insane stuff. I better wake up early to practice tomorrow.

CRAP. im losing composure. it's so burning in me now.

Tempest Christmas

I don't know why every Christmas feels like a storm to me. A storm of fatigue. Stay over party last night, and I slept through. It wasn't really the fatigue but I don't like to feel obliged to keep awake. Feeling tired is inevitable and it is just how well you want to control it. I spent the day sleeping AGAIN after waking up at 2PM. I slept again till now (almost 9PM). What a day to spend Christmas! Celebration in dreams!

Really.Writing cards was a good experience, I did enjoy it but I have to admit that writing gets a little too exaggerated (like too long) after warming up quite a bit. the first few cards tend to suffer from what I call " cold syndrome " where my writing abilities freeze. Some cards had weird phrasings because it was like the 20th card in the row and I do write quite a bit for some people. there are people who received insanely long cards and there are people who did not. I do not choose that in advance, it just flows naturally. Same for quality of language-do not be offended. Either way in receiving or giving, relativity is usually not encouraged. It's not nice to compare. Running around looking for people to pass the cards too while being stopped and given cards, there is no room for nitty gritty "bag keeping matters" to take place. All the stuff gets all over the place. I think this is the first and last experience for me.

Christmas concert was orchestrated. Well besides the fact that the strings over powered the other groups of instruments. ( I always get that feeling). It's really inspiring because the violin is such a nice instrument.

So post concert we hanged around with that usual festive mood exchange where cards, greetings and food were subjects of trade. Some people were taking pictures (but personally, photos aren't my thing because I usually remember more than an average person. not photographic, but still, I find it unnecessary), some people were hanging around. Some person forced me to sign up for omega night. The usual dilly dally took place and eventually we all staggered to al azhar for somewhat of a dinner/supper kind of thing.

That was where I realized the impulse and impatience of everybody who couldn't resist. they took out their heaps of Christmas cards and start reading it in front of everyone else. I feel obliged to do so as well. And then the food came, and sharing food with Teng jin was just another stupid experience because I was coerced to pay everything. Oh well.

Then a distinct controversy struck. Whose house for the night? Elder Sam opened his house, some people are going there and some people prefer mine. But even separate ways that diverged converged in the end at my place. Many people came over to watch a movie which I hardly have any interest in. I think I would have just fallen asleep halfway. We should just play some ice breakers and play lame stuff to keep us awake. If not that infamous pseudo gossip would do fine as well. there were disparity in ages of people who stayed over, and as evident as that were preference issues. Still, it went well. (because I was asleep). I was hoping for more structure in the night. But my personal stand is that nothing is nice when you're fatigued, worn out and magnetized by the bed. Oh well. It's just another problem with me. I had a very cool time with my cool down at my bed.

there's always this tempestuous turmoil during Christmas. The evident cry of loneliness, and also not wanting things to just end like this. In hopes we experience dismay. I hope it's just not another festive thing. It's more bittersweet than I thought. It's fun and everyone seems cheery. Seems.

Rapidly

Many days without a post. Some people thought I died. Most people know that my desktop died on me. It was so filled with content that it refused to boot up. What a stupid way to die. Anyway I am using my brother's labtop and I am by no means, guaranteed the undisturbed usage of it. A maelstrom of events happened in the previous days, just that I did not get a chance to write about it.

Sentosa was staccato amidst legato for me. Well, not really. Highly accentuated by many people, and highly loved as well. I use to say I abhor Sentosa, maybe some parts of it, but perhaps after actually deciding to walk out (literally and figuratively) out of my comfort zone, I've learn how the fun goes. The mechanism behind the fun is still a mystery to me, because perhaps unlike other people the machine within me does not fit with the typical mechanism of fun. Either way, I still had fun. Weird, but worth it.

Firstly, there is one problem with mass games with involve a ball and many people. Some people get left out. Wait, you might be guessing. It's me. It's really inevitable for a person with hardly any sense of what is happening in a three dimensional locus of say 10 meters. To be able to track movement in the X-direction, Y-direction and Z-direction which eventually makes up a complex vector system of many objects moving at once is really unthinkable. I cannot identify where the ball is going, I cannot block because I have no idea when the ball is coming (if they had proper mitigation and warning systems like when earthquakes do happen, then perhaps). I cannot really relate with everybody who is running around with their natural monkey sense. For me, I am short changed with the disability to play such games with involve so many people and I ball. It's not the lack of ball sense which many people contribute my disability to. I used to play competitive badminton which suggests that I have no lack at ball sense at all. (which in fact, requires ball sense which transcends beyond captain balls or it's variants). But still, I don't like put into a more civilized brawl, where people out for personal glory dominate. People who judge, people who are inconsiderate, people who don't trust, people who exhibit paradoxical behavior, and people who behave this way subconsciously really fail to make such brawl-natured games fun.

I was sulking most of the time until I could actually understand touch rugby because it's less "haphazard" and spontaneous. Really. The sun was moderate but had fluctuating intensity. I eventually end up with slightly reddish skin, which is actually not that bad. I was expecting to hurt but thankfully it did not.

However, overall Sentosa is really not my thing. Not my cup of tea. Drinkable, but bitter and also tasteless. But when I decide to actually pour in a little sugar from my part, it tastes better. I did enjoy myself to a certain extent though I was actually putting in a lot of effort to. Sometimes, this brings me back into introspection. I know some people think it's unthinkable for a guy to lack that monkey tingly sense, the sporty adrenaline, the urge and craving to go dance in the sun, to love being baked etc..but once again, I resist the generalization, for people who try to define me by my gender and age are people unworthy of conversation. Generalization has adverse effects but yet it is instinctive. Selective generalization may be helpful, but yet it comes to the point of where and when does it's real usage manifest?

The mingling around, and talking rubbish once in awhile has a very refreshing tinge to it. Even under horrible conditions-dirty sand, scorching sun. The day was seemingly perpetual. Having set out at 0900 hrs we endured till about 1800 hrs before we set out in our own separate ways.

The night before sentosa, crabbing was one new experience. The cooling breeze! But we only caught one pathetic miserable crab! Crap! Bear was making friends with all sorts of uncles and small boys (pedophile!). We met a boy and we called him Bishan Boy. He was really chatty, speaking very fluent broken English. Oh of course, what would you expect by someone who hangs around the sea catching fish!. But still, he was same age as Tay Yang. and he was probing my brother's PSLE score fervently. He seemed full of confidence!...And then when it finally came down to declaring their scores. My brother scored 100 points higher than him. (ouch, the disparity!). He scored low 160+. Well, even lower than my height for PSLE. And then there was this awkward amplified silence whereby Tay Yang was deciding whether to fake his score. Perhaps 220 would sound really not that bad after all. but since thou shall not lie, the inconvenient truth moulded into a dagger and shoossh it flew and stab it went. Ouch. And then after that, the frequency of conversation plummeted. But anyway, who goes around asking when his one of the lowest scores I've ever HEARD around.

Forcefully

The days pass by swiftly. A bad sign for the timer is ticking and time is leaking from the palm of my hands. What is left but an increasingly increasing reluctance. Most things I treasure will be void and most things left will be effaced. Sadly enough, this is the affliction of every Singaporean Male on this planet. I dread, I abhor the thought of what is going to happen to me. Talk about comfort zone.

On a 'happier' note, tomorrow is Sentosa. A place I'd rather not go. But there's a post camp outing so I have to drag my feet. Maybe it will be fun. Keyword? Maybe. Or rather, it will be fun. (attempt to psycho myself). It's dying down and I feel it. Obligation takes over everything, and I find myself suspended between two forces.

Well, there's nothing much to do at home either. Like I said, suspension was never a pleasant feeling. I may not be stationary but I am certainly not getting anywhere. (talk about oscillating to and fro). Perhaps. yes perhaps. But very soon I should find some direction. I am feeling remorseful for not practicing the piano. Granted, I did about 1 or 2 hours here and there but that is certainly negligible. There will be no improvement in playing for merely 2 hours. There will be, in years to come, but for someone who is impatient. 4 hours is the bare minimum.

Franz Liszt said this. " Stop playing for one day, I notice. For two days, my wife notices and for three, the audience notices ". It's very applicable. And I think I haven't been really playing for about 2 weeks since I went overseas on a holiday. After all, like I said, what I have will be null and whatever remains will also be null. The future is bleak.

For the field of force is strong I have lost some motivation and inspiration to stagger on. Wavering determination and bad concentration.

Abstain the inevitable

Wielding a double edged sword yields nothing. But since usually both factors aren't in one single continuum I suppose it's safe to assume the vector sum of pros and cons do not cancel out. I am a deep thinker and I like to get to the bottom of things-at least that was what I was told. A double edged sword works in a way it can either win you a fight, or you could stab yourself. It's an either or situation. But what I am wielding is not exactly a sword. Not exactly as an tangible artifact, but it is something that causes palpable recoils.

Sometimes, I like to get to the root of why I am feeling a particular way, but one paradox is how I try not to be honest with myself. And as usual, (like how I always like to put it), friction applies and there it wears and tears. I am left fatigued without anything fruitful resolved. I feel I'm changing. Blogs are an effective way to document change but I wonder how many people do feel remorse or shock when they read what they wrote years back. I did. For we are what we assume to be the best possible situation we are in now. Naturally, we tend towards our ideals, and that I feel, is something which induces recoil damage. Plentiful recoil. Friction comes in and wears us out.

I think I'm becoming more serious. But yet I've always believed that simplicity and complexity lies in the same plane. I am still left perplexed. Convinced yet confused. Do they lie on the same plane? Or are they inversely proportional, or are they the freaking same thing. Chopin said that the end result of complexity is simplicity, and does this prove that all about simplicity and complexity resolves in a circle and in a case where circular reasoning applies everything becomes null as we hurt our brains trying to figure out what everything means. And so is complexity and simplicity defined by perception, the same about good and evil. Is such terms absolute terms, are there degrees of compromise. I've been thinking about all these, and I need answers. And even by doing so, what have I accomplished-this is a simple but complex question. (or is this just merely a duality?). But what has it got to do with seriousness (again!)

It's past midnight and this is where I start writing nonsense. Camp and Post camp dynamics are highly predictable. It's like free fall. How is it fair that when we bond, it's uphill and we break it's down hill. Bonding took time, effort and energy, and of course, the correct temperature, pressure and catalyst (in other words, camp environment and events), to take place. It is a reaction which is totally not feasible in standard conditions. Just like how ice exists below certain temperature it surely brings us to the point that remaining bonded after camp is like forcing Ice to remain Ice in a blazing desert. Where conditions do not comply, situations cannot be forced. Are we all forcing water to freeze in desert. In everyday life where the days are lived in haste and everything is done so forcefully, the heat is blazing. Ice is a simple analogy. How about getting Neon or Argon to react. We group leaders are forced to be Sodium and Potassium while some naturally are Caesium.

Today's party was haphazard but it was a good but futile attempt at restoring these conditions. These conditions where by water freezes into ice or vice versa. You can see how gaseous we were. There are natural inevitable preferences and these held priority over all others. The so called displacement reaction occurs (though I believe, not exactly). We tend to settle into our comfort zones and chemistry teaches a lot. We need energy and work to be be done to force things into their unnatural states-this applies with people. Cliques were more than evident today. They became so evident like layers of multifarious immiscible layers of solutions. Yet there is one hope that "intra molecular bonds" and "inter molecular bonds" will keep all us connected. Cliques are molecules. While covalent bonds are strong, we have to keep in mind that Van der waals are weak. We have risen up to the excited state, now is the metastable and very soon we will all plummet more.

I know I have been speaking in analogies but this is how these situations are best explained.

By the way, I am not trying to intimidate, just trying to get a point across.

Now on a friendlier note, I start to doubt my own intelligence. I hate myself because I cannot solve riddles which I thought I am supposed to. Trust me, these riddles are intellectually challenging, but since I've failed, I've proven myself to be a useless person with a useless mind. Granted, these riddles aren't easy but solving easy riddles is just like eating candy. Sweet but bad for health. I find myself not mentally malleable. I am rather rigid, and I am logically deficient. But yet people say I'm deep. Deep, yes, perhaps in a superficial manner. Deep but shallow, profound yet callow. How ironic.

Oh yes. Yesterday night was amusing. VERY. I tried to dye my hair. DIy for your information. I tried but apparently it seemed as if my hair resisted the color (dark brown). Anyway I am lazy to type and I should be going to bed very soon. >_<

Fresh air at last

After a few days of staying at home, finally I get to see the real blue azure sky right above my head. Today was actually another slack day. Early in the morning, I went to the squash court aka the slaughterhouse to play squash. It was actually amazingly exciting considering how I got owned. Squash is a difficult game, a sadistic game-as it's name suggest. Anyway. Anyway. Tomorrow is Christmas Party and so, it makes me feel slightly a little happier. I'm sure the days ahead will set itself apart from the very humdrum nature of the days so far. I am actually, at excited state. Following squash, me dom and tim sat ourselves comfortably outside church to have stone-ing fellowship.

Something which I have been so evidently lacking lately is "intellectuality". Our camp theme this time round was "transformers", and it was disappointing to know that majority of people do not understand my MSN nick "transformers-with a soft iron core". It's really sad being in a group where everyone is so young and everyone pauses and flinches when I say da magic word-"benzene". It's really scary how I relate hexagons to benzenes and vice versa. I really like to talk more about Newton or his friends, but I rarely get the chance to. My fundamentals to Musical Acoustic book is overdue (due to the hectic nature of overseas trip etc..camp..etc), I wasn't given ample chance to work on it.

There has been emotional turmoil within me for the past few days. I am polarized in two directions and a state whereby I am actually in dynamic equilibrium. Stationary, but yet the effort and forces pulling me is quite straining. I feel obliged, and urged to do many things which I do not want to. Yet on the same point I find myself not doing somethings which I want to do. I feel a very evident sense of stability degradation. Still, I shudder to solitude and company alike.

Prison Break and Heroes have been awesome. It was an episode spree after a long time of that draggy one episode per week aka the weekly dosage I would call it. Prison break takes an unconventional turn and Heroes is as usual getting more and more complex. (Well, everything in this world tends towards entropy after all. Second law of thermodynamics). Season three is over! I'm so hyped up about Ando's new ability-the supercharger!

I'm still thinking about the Martial Arts Showdown from Camp. Since the video has been posted on youtube , I caught myself watching it repeatedly (yes, the magic word here is LIFELESS). I find myself addicted to the bed. Camp blues are terrible, though I could actually conclude (from experimental trial and error and personal experience) that Camp Blues decline with time with a constant half life. (evidently, there is not much left. it's already about the 4th half life. Say, there's only 1/16 left. sad :( .... )

There have been many goals I set myself upon but none of them is appearing to be materializing. I set myself upon wanting to learn Hungarian Rhapsody, but yet the length and difficulty repels me. Some way, I feel implored by my very own lazy nature to stone in front of the piano. Of all the hundreds of tracks in my Ipod, the Hungarian Rhapsody caught my attention this holiday, yet I was so caught up with my other pieces. And what is so disappointing is that I cannot play anything now. Yes, La Campanella-bad shape. I can run through from the front to the back, but still, I am a one trick pony. Difficult but yes, but finally the call to widen my repertoire is distinct. Revolutionary Etude comes in next, Opus 10-4 is getting better. And Small Dom and Tim jsut had to remind me that everything I play is fast, (and showy).

I actually teared to Ballade in G minor. Really touching. But, yes, overplayed.

Wanderer Fantasie

I can't get down to do anything productive. I'm just leading a nomadic (with respect to time), and direction deprived day. I miss studying days, I miss the days where life has so much more structure than now. Today, fatigue still remained the canvas as dull colors made their marks. The result? A lifeless dull picture, which greatly depicts my life. Sigh.

The traces of a sore throat vanished. Sore throats are my sworn enemy, but paradoxically I am very accustomed to facing it. Boredom plagues, camp fever strikes, and I never felt so bedridden before in my life. True enough, if I was less selfish, there could be things that I should have done.

As a result, today was spent again, lying on the mattress with my trusty laptop (my brother's to be specific) and the silk pillow I got from Suzhou, I lived a relatively relaxing day, without worries. Mid day, it rained, and that aggravates the excruciating restlessness. I ain't ashamed to admit, I really really want to go back to camp.

It is usually a pity that I do not get to blog specifically about overseas trips or camps because they span more than my memory can handle.

I really have no mood to do anything. Save me.

fatigue that overwhelms

Somewhat i find it hard to settle back into the introvert's routine. fatigue induces somewhat of a vertigo upon me, impeding any will to do anything. I am left wallowing in bed, either smsing, talking to people or surfing the net. Anything requiring more energy I am unable to carry out. Fatigue, fatigue, go away!

Sets the timer ticking again

I finally am able to settle down to normal life. By normal I mean life that is not extraordinary. Having spent the last two weeks either overseas or at camp, I feel a sense of uneasiness at home. Well, a large percentage of the myriad of emotions here may be a camp blues, camp fever or whatever you call it. Yes, this year's YF camp was more than awesome. I think most people are suffering from camp blues or it's variant. And additionally, i find myself being attached to a sore throat.

This was my first year being group leader. Honestly, I had expected a bed of roses, albeit many people telling me/warning me otherwise. Life wasn't easy, and I was put to the test countless times. I miss my group right now, which is definitely something strange for a very dedicated introvert like me. Is this going to open me up? With all that activities coming up, (which I am actually feeling excited for), am I going to forsake my isolation life? Perhaps.

The games were one of a kind. Majority of the games were original and creative. The committee I think did a very good job here, I believe. The logistics made things seamless, flawless and the running of camp suffered little or no lag. So now we have to blame these successful people, these dedicated people for our camp blues! hahaha

However, it really puts me in a spot now. I am currently at a perplexing junction. the camp blues is bittersweet, and the more one puts thought into it it becomes bitterer and bitterer. bittersweet feelings are rather complex and I rather not sink into it. Yet I feel obliged to dwell in it. When we look back, anything seemingly perpetual will be reduced to a few second frames of memories-this is the cruel fate of memories. We cannot preserve these times of fun laughter peace and joy, but the only thing we can take back is what we have learn from the message. Learning it, and integrating it into our lifes. That is the only way not to lose everything we have experienced in the last four days. group spirit, memories of games will diminish. And then it boils down to how long are we willing to keep the flame alive.

I'm back, really

I'm back and I find myself at the entrance via exit. Following this one and a half week Japan/China trip would be Yf camp! There is a sense of excitement but yet it is very (sadly) engulfed by fatigue. It's 1AM in the morning (few hours to camp), I've not unpacked my luggages from overseas, let alone pack for camp! and I'm sitting here, typing this. Ayy, packing is in the mind, after all.

I did enjoy myself in this trip. I bought a myriad of stuff. Namely, pseudo branded goods. Pseudo is a good word for this situation because I got stuff like some LV wallet (don't know what it stands for, but I heard it's some insanely day light robbery material) for a relatively cheap price. Fake? Perhaps not because these goods are illegal "real" products whereby factories smuggle their excess in order to earn black market profit. Thus, pseudo comes into handy usage. A surfeit of stuff I bought, everything from head to toe. Japanese's latest gel/wax to Adidas shoes from Japan's Factory outlet (not cheap, but still, I NEVER shop so it's now or never kind of situation). I bought a lot of stuff ( in my opinion ). Really.

But I have to admit it feels better. Somewhat.

The gelid floor and the winter wind really made life tough. The temperature fell to below the zero degree mark (not kelvin, mind you!) more often than not. Three layers, gloves, beanies, scarfs were all essentials over their ornamental value. Most food in Japan were steamboat based and since we visited Hokkaido we were treated every meal to somewhat of seafood or it's variant. Salmon became something so common that I hate it now. Kobe Beef, Crabs were optional delights which were served in buffet style with a hefty cost. but still, I don't like buffet because I feel obliged to eat more.

Hotels come in two kinds. The classic western style, a valley system comprised of two beds. Two luggages on the floor and one would be forced to hop around the room (no wonder Japan is so famous for Ninjas). It is surprising how good a hotel would be depends on how competent it's bathroom is. Yes, especially in winter time. Hot baths are definitely something I look forward to.
The other kind, is called the Tatami style or the mattress style. Which I myself have no personal preference. I still think ultimately it depends on the bathroom.

Japanese vending machines should be the 9th wonder of the world. The first day I was caught paralyzed in front a row of vending machines with myriads and myriads of bottled drinks. The variety scares. Intimidated, I settle (usually) for the ones I find in Singapore (or find somewhat familiar), and that is a sad irony. Japanese goods are not cheap, they don't have price tags as lofty as the common goods in Europe but still, they are relatively very expensive. But some stuff are certainly on par, cheaper than their Singaporean counterparts. (rarely though).

The service in Japan is really superb. Impressive I would say. It does take more than words to describe. Furthermore, we made a short transit at China before coming back home and that made the contrast very obvious. China is notorious for Melamine, bad service and bad manners. Somewhat, I agree that Chinese are selfish more than gracious. It's a competitive world where everything is done in haste. Suddenly, we, as tourist, find ourselves looking out for our stuff more than in Japan. Thefts are probably more rampant, pirated goods are more in abundance, and every is just...just...so China. But of course, it does have it's impressive side. It's rapid advancement is one of them, but other than that, I prefer not to go there again.

I don't have much time, and this post is merely meant to be a summary. (yes it actually IS a summary). Time is ticking! The first few days the snow pilled the grounds and all of us engaged in frequent snowball fights. (not exactly balls, but rather, snow flake fight I would say). Snow is good. (good is a word plain enough for snow).

The food...etc...the company...the experience...the bus rides were all one of a kind. I enjoyed myself, but the best was still the touchdown at Changi Airport. the rest will come in the next installment for now I have to pack my stuff and settle myself in bed.

We leave tonight

I'm actually getting more hyped up! Anyway it's time for the last minute packing, leaving in 2 hours time. I'm actually posting so that the previous "penultimate" post lives up to it's name.

AHHH SAYONARA.

Anticipations

If time were to be displaced by 24 hours somewhat, I will find myself up in the air. Tomorrow marks the beginning of a 8 day journey where there will be no nasi lemak, Merlion or Mas Selamat. In return, I hope to receive a plethora of Eel, Tempura and sushi.It is an event (or rather journey) of mixed feelings. I feel the deprivation of many things, namely, group leader trainings which I will be (sadly) missing, and also, my dearest piano at home. I will be bringing along two books which I got from the library-first, some random fundamentals of musical acoustics. And secondly, some biography of Chopin and his style. (which I find quite confusing still). Every year, my resistance to planes, buses and long vehicle rides have increased significantly! So I'm hoping to benefit from another notch of level up! Suddenly I feel an abrupt sense of excitement. (or maybe, there is this urgency and urge to be excited because I haven't been so for the last week unlike my brothers and mum, my dad is still nonchalant). Perhaps, I will try to be happy, pretend to be excited for now.

Amidst the myriad of anticipations, a maelstrom of more unusual events occurred. So much for that exaggeration, it was actually some paper cutting session. Even with "cutting edge technology" as quoted by Wei Song, we find our knuckles throughly bruised due to the abrasion from scissors. Friction, and unwanted forces act upon our hands (probably due to improper scissors holding technique). I figured if one wanted to muster enough force to snip above a certain thickness of paper, there will be some recoil damage that will cause both blades of a scissors to intersect each other, and in that case, a very palpable pain (which leaves a temporary red mark) on one fingers is induced. Though it was mildly annoying (yes the fatigue), but it was worth while. The sense of satisfaction is always satisfying (haha), no matter how arid the job was.

Second, a major discovery today was that Apple juice actually oxidizes. I did not know that Apple juice (which origins from Apples) can oxidize in air. I have sufficient common sense to understand that Apples change colour due to oxidation. But somehow, I lacked the insight to actually apply the knowledge, such that I neglected the fact that apple juice does change colour after awhile too. Okay, what a discovery. Suddenly I feel stupid. I mean fresh apple juice, (the one from the blender). yea, I left it hanging for awhile on the door knob, thought I could pick it up as I leave for home. Sadly, I was wrong.

Back to anticipations. YF camp, and Overseas trip will be one long continuous journey. I hope I don't end up so lost on the first day of Yf Camp. And then groupings, and the co-leader will not be known until I return back from Singapore (viola! ZERO displacement! traveled so far and yet no work done, sad). I will be literally, and figuratively, suspended in mid air. (on the flight back too).

Back to the topic on Japan. The last time I went was like many years ago. It was the age where I had a very dominant fetish for Japanese culture. You name it, Anime, Pop, and stuff. Those days are over, now I want to visit Poland, Warsaw, Paris and other parts of Europe. (again. sigh!). Hokkaido seems like a cool place (yes, cool, cold, winter wind, gush!). My mum is in charge of the armor and we'll all set to go.

Late night blogging makes me go a little spastic. Somewhat. This will be the penultimate post.

Annoyed. Very annoyed

I feel utterly disgusted. Simply because of that I cannot practice. I feel very annoyed, vexed at the moment. For some reason, I have an itch all over my body, yes. some mosquito was hungry last night. There is also this invisible itch inducing organisms around my computer desk (due to it's dirtiness) The bites are very unorthodox (don't worry, NOT vampires).

Additionally, I woke up at 1PM today. Congrats? Been a long time. I told myself the limit was twelve, or maybe eleven, but I exceeded that way a lot. There goes my hopes of 6 hours today.

It seems my life has gotten way worst after A'levels. I exert too much pressure on myself. The datelines I set for myself are really ridiculously difficult to meet. (though I am actually quite close, albeit all that unhappiness). 4 pages of Chopin Ballade, almost finished the Nocturne, I played around with Fantasie impromptu, recorded my La Campanella, and cleaning up my Revolutionary Etude. All that, just for self satisfaction.

Video:
1st Piece-Ty-La Campanella (Paganini etude 3)
2nd Piece-Yang (my bro) Alligator crawl



Yes this one is not exactly up to standard YET. I wasn't given many tries to record a good one.

Commentary (my own after watching).
At
0:51:I missed two high C#s. (I think)
0:56 : This is a mistake I normally don't make. (must be the camera stress GRRR)
1:11-1:15 : I sped up (despite telling myself not to!!)
1:50-1:54: I sped up.
2:09-2:20: The most horrible tempo fluctuation I've seen. (this something I have not fixed)
3:11-3:24: I must have missed some notes. Not audible anyway
3:45-3:50: Tempo fluctuation again. my worst 4 bars in the piece
4:35-4:45: There is something evidently wrong with my coordination which I think I normally don't make.

Yes, there are MORE, plenty more. I know

I will take another one once I corrected some tempo fluctuations, get used to piano camwhore (somewhat).

AND JLAM, I am waiting for YOURS! I have started the ball rolling and the bells ringing, so somewhat get some camera to record yours okay?

And people, no comments on this video YET please. It's not ready to be hanged and stoned by criticism. When I'm ready, I will post another video to have stones thrown at.

More vile than evil

The days that go by converges. My level of interest for many things (which have been wavering all this while), is plummeting. I barely get interested in stuff common people do. I realized. I picked up the DS and the myriad of games selectively selected by ore-sama not only fails to captivate me but I actually reached the limit of agony. Boring like hell. Seriously. How do people have all the patience to grind their lives through RPGs. Painfully boring, there is no incentive, there is no joy, no life, and no rewards to be reaped. Dota also ceases to interest me. I wanted to blog about this for sometime already, but apparently it has always slipped my mind.

I have spent my sec 3,4 days actually wasting my time on Dota. But right now after I have gotten out of all these mess. I finally am able to speak from a third person perspective. Given a choice right now (with ample time) to continue on what I thought I've missed out, I start to think twice.

I think most guys in Singapore have played Dota before, or actively plays Dota. If the people on Dota are Singaporean male teenagers, I would seriously have to fear and worry for our country's future. Reason simple-there are far too many retarded guys on Dota. For this I would for once, like to take the female side this time round-that guys are retarded. Yes, they are, especially those on Dota.

I have never seen a single game where no vulgarity is sprout, vernacular language is used, and it seems totally like no one knows what it is meant by proper English. I can imagine the blond haired monkey "Ah beng", behind the screens of the character sprouting so much profanities. This also applies to reality, people who do not know proper expression, and so evidently demonstrate their mental density and their lack of proper vocabulary. And also, people who use it as a habit, are equally doltish.

Granted, it is actually a game with good intention. There is far more strategy and skill involved, but all have been misused as a form of self glorification. I wonder since when has it been part of men's ego to own in Dota. Getting killed is really humiliating. (seriously, I wonder how did the creators make it so intensely humiliating to get slaughtered in Dota). I always wonder why is it that most players tend to get more ego-centered, pride defensive rather than competitive.

It is actually fun, but many factors spoil the fun. I think apart from deliberate time wasting, I will definitely give the game a miss. It is better to miss the fun, than to be associated with all the people playing the game, who have no self control, no intellectuality. And whats more, Dota is nowadays more associated with shabby lan shops with desperate low intellectuality levels.

To sum up, if better 'English' dominates the games over profanities, there would be plus one to consideration. If only people above a certain intellectuality play the game, that would be plus ten to consideration. People are missing the point. I don't like being called noob or whatsoever, but still, they all forget that it is just a freaking game. Cyber sports or whatsoever is another lame excuse to turn something worthless into some worth. Another illusion! Bravo! The new world has now further lowered it's standards.

My stand is that the majority is more often wrong than right, that is because of the normally distributed intelligence level of the population. Of course, again, exceptions apply.

A few days ago, I was actually being put in a situation with a pen and paper. There was this urge to draw graphs, to write mechanisms, or to just state why transition elements have colored compounds. I actually find myself actually missing school work. Get it right, NOT school, but studying. It was actually quite an enjoyable period of time (till I got really sick of it all).

It's late now. I want to sleep actually but I can't. (body clock somewhat displaced again!). The key to the magic 6 hours of piano practice everyday is to wake up early, as evident by today's 5.5/6 hours which I only managed to accomplish since I woke up at noon. Some people say I'm scary. Actually 6 hours for a day you spend totally at home is not excessive. In fact, I think it is not enough. The ability to sit there for hours is definitely uncanny. But improvement drives me the hardest and the best.

I start to exert greater pressure on myself nowadays. I can't relax properly. I have to stagger through pages of the Ballade in G minor just because I want to learn it in record time. And just for self satisfaction. Nocturne is going fine, I'm getting a little sick of it. La Campanella is almost there. (seriously, it is really a monster), I am polishing the Revolutionary Etude with more confidence. Octave etude makes my wrist ache a little. Everything is going well. With 5.5 hours I can actually make progress. I need to up the level soon.

I think La Campanella beats the whole A'levels hands down in terms of difficulty. I conquer it, I conquer Everest. But again, whats next?

Beautiful

Ballade in G minor is really beautiful!

Motivation

It is now pretty evident how and why the heck I was posting so much. (avoiding studying). It is definitely true that my blogging rate has dropped, at least the length of the posts. I have been absent for a while, I believe. Thursday was the release of PSLE results. And as I have posted, my little brother results was pleasantly surprising. We were looking for somewhere about 260 but his results transcends that and exceeds our expectations. Now, his future is paved as he walk into the route of elites. I get this irking feeing that I should have actually studied slightly more for PSLE.

Well,>270 is insanely lofty.(enough to deprive people of oxygen to breath, as they gasp!) 26X is high, 25X is a pretty good score. Around 24X is where people say "not bad", and slightly below that is "bleh, just average". Anything beneath that below will deem a person as "not academically inclined". though there are clearly exceptions, I believe. That night, riding on all that festive mood, nostalgia, I actually read up on how they calculated the T-score and stuff.

I normally don't like to regret. but if I actually put in some effort, 260+ shouldn't be a problem for me then. The problem was then I was satisfied with that oh so average 244. My life probably would be different now, somewhat. And I wouldn't have taken O'levels either.

But still, I feel happy for him and his future ahead. It's a distinctly illuminated pavement!

Actually to call these days that go by "holidays" would be an understatement. In my opinion, this is probably the mega-est-holiday to date. A holiday worth few months without any hint of school or school work. It is great, but again, I find myself exerting pressure on myself. immense, intense pressure. I actually feel stress because I'm not practicing enough. My La Campanella is still horrible, it does not need a major revamp but a lot of polishing. Challenges are great motivation too. I have to prepare Chopet 10-12 (revolutionary) and 25-10 (the octave) to get owned by Jasmine. Oh great. But somehow it plays a major role in motivation for practice. I need to up my standards, I need to realize I should stop memorizing all the wrong notes without having any clue of what I am pressing wrongly.

One more week to Japan. Sigh!

Actually if I look myself from another perspective, I think I am eccentric. Somewhat. It's late, and I feel I need some exercise.

Boogie ownage

I think the summation of today is three digits. It converges towards that three digit number. My brother Yangster Boogie's PSLE score! 265+2!

Concert at VCH

Just arrived home from concert at Victoria concert hall. It was a piano recital by Adam Gyorgy, a Steinway artist, and winner of the First international Chopin competition, and various other competitions as well. A Hungarian pianist, indeed, lives up to his nationality by playing so many works, transcriptions by Hungarian composer Franz Liszt.

It was a really pleasant experience, my first time experiencing a concert setting. Having played to is different from watching videos off youtube. Your hear the same thing, but hearing it live is another story. The program was really exciting. He started off playing (I think), his own improvisations on "well known melodies", which I never heard of. A pop/jazz way to begin a classical concert is surely well, intriguing. I really want to know if he played them as pure improvisation (on the spot).

The real deal kicked off with Chopin Ballade in G minor. Something which I wanted to hear very much. All the other pieces on the program are somewhat more familiar with respect to Adam Gyorgy (heard his interpretation off youtube again, many times). Never heard him play Chopin before. I don't think I am at any level to critic, but I enjoyed it tremendously. Though I still prefer Zimmerman on youtube.

Bach was next, two pieces by Bach. First was the "Jesu Son of Man Desiring" and "All sheep may graze", which I am very unfamiliar with. The program was not played in order as they were printed which I suppose were very confusing for some, especially my brothers.

Finally, after the flashy Rigoletto Paraphrase by Franz Liszt, (this piece doesn't catch ,y attention somewhat) he finally played the thing I wanted to hear the most-La Campanella. The thing I found amusing was that it sounded exactly like the same as his 2007 version on youtube at the Franz Liszt Academy. I know he used to play it faster when he was younger (2003), if I'm not wrong. I managed to get some inspiration off his interpretation, which I found very contrasting to Yundi Li's version.

I think a 7-8 minute Wedding March transcription by Mendelssohn, Liszt, Horowitz, Gyorgy (wow what a long list) followed. It was pretty flashy, virtuosic, I somewhat want it to be played during my wedding! Hah!

It finally came down to the last list off the program-Hungarian Rhapsody #2 by Franz Liszt again. Enjoyed it throughly. Though it was quite awkward when some people actually almost clapped at the half way point (when it seemed like a finish).

And then! As an encore, he played Flight of the Bumblebee!

I really enjoyed myself, though post concert I was feeling slightly overwhelmed. There was something missing! YES. I know, the whole program was filled with romantic pieces! though there were Bach, but it was negligible compared to all that virtuosic runs I've heard from Chopin to Liszt and more Liszt!

I can't resist this!

ROFL!

And also, another joke.

A "C", an "E-flat" and a "G" go into a bar.

The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bass-less.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest -- and closes the bar.

~source Piano Street, a piano forum

ROFL!

Though I do not really understand some parts .

CRAP!

My right hand still hurts. I'll be a good boy and rest today.

Flight

I shall not indulge in dramatizations of what happened about an hour ago, whereby the chains unlocked and we are set free once again. A tormenting marathon resembling examination schedule was what we was faced with. Granted, I should not complain since O'level people have it worst. The elation, and the overwhelming (or maybe not) freedom lessens the urge to rant. (Yes, Cambridge did not make up for the disturbing lack of Quantum in Paper One, in fact it has been downsized even to great extents)

Welcome to the new world if I have not been in for about one week already. Studying ceased about one week ago, today is just the formality. I suddenly have no urge to do anything, no craving for anything (not even food). And I'm just particularly annoyed.

Yes, DOGS. I HATE dogs. (monkeys too actually). A seemingly cute, cuddly creature that makes more noise than anything. Highly deceptive, annoying barks, terrible odor, and of NO practical use. My neighbor's dogs are really driving me insane. They have been barking like no one's business from morning to night. Not to mention, they stink! I am clueless to whether it is dog poop or some special spray they use for dogs but they just, well err smell like dogs. Due to compulsory diffusion (which I have no say against-the laws of nature), we get that stinky dog poop odor in our living room quite often. Air pollution, noise pollution. What filthy creatures!

Apart from all that pungent pandemonium, the jogging lane behind my house are sometimes littered with dog poop. Inconsiderate maids walking dogs unleashed. Well, dogs may be trustworthy to them, but not to strangers. Why do people even like these creatures?

Animal lovers are just people in delusion. There is so much inherent prejudice, dogs versus cats, then cats versus turtles. and while we're on the topic, why not care and love for mosquitoes or lizards. Insects, mammals or whatsoever are of the same value to us. A dog barks and a mosquito stings. They both stink anyway, but aren't they not very much alike-they ANNOY. All animals have this weird stench unless you bathe it like a thousand times a way. This just once again proves the bias nature of human nature. Prejudice even against animals, the good, the bad and the ugly of the animal kingdom gets judged to who gets to be "pet", "taken care" of by human society. Like pet, like owner-animalistic.

Pet lovers are just the biggest cases of self serving, delusional, paradoxical behavior. Care for dogs, while the hippopotamuses and giraffes are being enslaved in the zoo. Care for cats while a tiger devours and decapitates. Will tigers get hauled to court? No. Animals will remain animals. Caring for them is okay, but being a self proclaimed animal lover is not. You do not love animals, you love a false sense of company at home.

Why do people call worthless people dogs anyway. Because they follow people around with no sense of what to do. People with no initiative, or just no minds of their own. Dogs are just programmed with their innate nature of being dogs. Yes, animalistic as it may be. It is no different from having another set of television in the house. (just that the former is slightly harder to controllable and brings more chaos than good). Either way, it is definitely easier to get emotional, and get attached to something which looks good, looks cute, or adorable for anyone cares. Again, it is that inherent human nature. Again, why do people mourn when their dogs die? I'd say people should cry when their televisions break down too.

It is a deception. The biggest irony is that we love them because we own them. We love our dogs more than other dogs. This is just empty placement of one emotions. We just like to get ourselves attached to something, just to fulfill that emptiness, while we disregard whatever inconvenience it might bring. Highly irrational.

I know I did not put my points forward very well, I may have offended some of you out there. But do not worry, that was on purpose.

Yawn

I can't wait for tomorrow to come and go. To be precise, that 9:30Am moment has to come soon! I didn't study today, as usual. I decided not to, or rather, I just get down to doing it from slacking all this while. Momentum has been reduced to zero, I believe.

I clocked about 5.5-6 hours on the piano today! yay! I was basically playing the whole day. I woke up having a sore on my right wrist. I wonder why, it feels like those tension pain. Pray it's not an injury. There is still that electrifying sensation when I press it hard, or when I do some passages in La Campanella which I tend to tense more than usual. Things are turning out fine, I made progress from yesterday and today! Somehow being an impatient person, I want immediate progress. As usual, I'll just aim to be loads better than the yesterday me. Sounds cheesy I know. I've been taking out lots of old stuff to play. Unfinished pieces, pieces which I didn't do justice to. My op 10-4 which I sadly have to give up last time ( I still remember most of it). I've been reallying playing a lot of stuff. But La Campanella still is the core of my practice time. However, I have to rest it more today due to my slight lame sore on my right wrist. Hopefully slowly I will achieve the eight hours!

YAY. Just feel satisfied because the last few days I only manage to hit 3-4 hours. finally the momentum is here!

Monkey see monkey do

Monkeying around is the latest fashion I guess.

And I realized some people are callow shallow. ROFL!

4.67/5

Looking at that 4.67/5 makes me a little desperate. It's like looking at a 99% downloaded video file that you really can't wait to watch but it would not budge a single bit. Not even that one percent. It is vexing surely, but I am taking things slow and easy.

A maelstrom of events happened yesterday. My mood was again, terrible. I have no clue why. The movie at YF movie night was one of the better ones I've watched in sometime. I still cannot figure out why we are able to get tensed, get excited over something that was bound to happen. From an audience point of view the film was highly predictable, but yet it was quite exciting. I have not much comments about it, though I did enjoy myself quite a bit.

Suddenly I feel I ought to be studying. But for once, I feel like going out today, but I always get that " hey wait there, exams not over" feeling. Yes, precisely. I can slack not but play. I can levitate as much as I want, but not fly yet for the chains have not unlocked itself. Guilt still has it's major role to play. Not like I'm going to study.

My mood has been really fluctuating. I cannot sit down and go for that two hours non stop practice anymore. I feel like I need more than just shear inspiration to get me seated. Suddenly, I get this impulse of why am I doing all these. La Campenella, Chopin Ballade, I don't really have to play them. It ain't life and death. But then, once I start digging into it enough, I am faced with one ugly truth.

I feel very fatigued these days. I haven't got that recovery sleep that spans one whole day. I am still having debts pilled over from one month ago. I need that sleep. or maybe that clarity of mind. I dread going for a holiday because I know the things I am going to miss. Suddenly, I feel an evident unbridgeable gap with the real world. A gap which has been always there, a depletion region. What's more I was the main culprit stubborn and stiff. I have been trying hard, but yet it was all reverse bias.

I know that sounded cheesy. But putting that forward voltage into my life is very unthinkable. I am shutting down all doors, and very soon the windows too. I will only have my own air to survive in. I don't exactly like that, but this is the path that I am bound for-the halcyon days.

I am uncomfortable, uneasy right now. It is like a transition state into no where. Maybe it's the feeling of suddenly having no examinations, and then the natural urge to feel obliged to get a social life back, but yet, I resist it because it is detestable to me. I'm losing interest in many things. Maybe I just realized I'm not exactly the nice person I thought I was. After all, Selfish people should not be in the crowd.

My life is like surfing the net without a monitor. I feel as blind as the three blind mice combined.

Underestimate

Never underestimate a MCQ paper which could turn your life (or grades) upside down. The Multiple Choice is usually the free kill in most papers. Any person who has taken O'levels before would know that it is easy to walk in and swipe all forty marks. That is for the decently prepared. Today, well, we just all thought A'levels would be like this. Yes, it should have been. TYS papers were noob friendly and they are exact copies of past year papers. So what happened this year?

I never felt time compressed so tightly. Even prelim papers somewhat seemed simpler. Towards the end of the paper, I had eight blanks (unsure, or have no clue) and eight exact minutes. I scrambled for them, yes the time that was slipping off the edge of the tables. I think some people found it okay, I found it slightly worst than okay. It wasn't very very hard, but it was not a difficulty one would expect from an A'levels noob friendly MCQ paper which most people actually aim for full marks.

Again, the whines, wails, shrieks,roars of candidates was again another spectacular sight. Nothing to be proud of, but it at least says something-we're in this together, whether we like it or not. (yes, everyone will be seated into that ridiculous bell like thingy where we get generated for relativity). An interesting, but not new concept. I didn't bother to stay for post paper discussions, (which in this case, would only plummet hopes).

At least one thing I am clear about and it somewhat makes me feel better. Some people may actually blindly blame it for not really studying for the past few days. Chances are, that minimal time would probably be ineffectual. I am confident that even with that extra time of mugging I would not be able to churn out the answers for some alien resembling questions. When you expect to walk into a comfy little room filled with all your good pals and buddies, you realize that not only unfamiliar faces greet you, but also one eyed monsters, aliens and Martians from the moon. The past few days, I would just have spent the time getting to know my friends better, I would have not bothered about strangers, let alone monsters, demons and aliens.

I seriously have no clue of how I did. All I knew that it was a mad rush for time, and it ended swiftly. True it has reduced the chances of an A significantly, (somewhat). It is not exactly a huge disaster but certainly it wasn't that "hey full marks" feeling. Either way, I hope it will be tossed somewhere in the middle, not too remote, not too sad.

Anyway, the penultimate is over and now the final is on tuesday. A long weekend ahead to slack. I don't intend to study for MCQ!

ZZZZZZ

I'm about to cuddle into that whirlpool of blankets.

I was sick of my layout, and lazy to make a new one. Figured blogger has somewhat upgraded their customized template so I was playing around of it. Then i decided to label my posts. I did label somewhere around the more recent posts. labeling posts is an uphill task for me for I blog in such a haphazard style.

Deeper than I thought

I'm sinking into the post examination mood so deep that I can't turn back now. I am brimming with energy, but only energy for playing. To hell with MCQ, I'll ride on that base probability and do my best (not from now, but only for that one hour). It's only 2 hours and 15 minutes of hall time left. Let's serve our time, and let out of all this!

I'm going to Japan for a holiday, on some date (can't remember). I am so not looking forward to it. Japan is a not very pleasant place (according to memories). Granted, Naruto, Bleach, Nodame are surely good stuff from Japan, but I don't think Japan can match Europe in holiday experience. I just get this feeling that it will be a lackluster experience. Not to mention, it's one week plus. Eeeks, I rather be at home doing my own stuff. But it's alright, it's one last trip before I'll be in 'prison' for the next two years. It's okay, I'll be fine. I'll play along pretending I'm enjoying myself.

Since some people have posted dedications/memoirs of Junior College life. I will probably do mine now. Can't wait for that 18th Nov to arrive.

Note:not much of a dedication, I am actually quite afraid it might turn out to be a rant.

Most people say, " JC life is very short ", to me, it was well, seemingly perpetual. In terms of survivability, it was way better than secondary school whereby my neck was constantly threatened by walking monsters at every corridor. JC life surpasses Sec School life in thousand of ways, namely, there are no monsters waiting to pounce once you reveal that shine of that tiny metallic gadget from your bag or pocket. OH wow, you can actually wave your handphone at teachers, you can actually SMS in class discretely, you can actually PLAY psp during lectures. Now that is a good step up, but not enough.

I don't have much school experience because I skip most lectures, I skip many days of school. If somehow you killed one strand of hair for everyday I skipped, I'll be bald right now. You get the idea. CCA experience was a horrible experience. Mainly because at JC level/A Division, there's nothing much to compete. The whole system has been ruined by the oh so wonderful DSA back door system. Yes, face that RJC's horde of Mewtwos, Lugias or their equivalents. I could not adapt to much of the culture my school has to offer. I was mostly an introvert by choice. It was inevitably inexorable.

Throughout this two years, enemies I made more than friends. Enemies in surfeit, and only a modicum of friends. If one finger represented a friend, I cannot even pull a Fleming's left hand rule off. That is how blessed my life is. I have many acquaintances, friends who pretend to laugh at my jokes at class. It was a good show we put up, bravo! Thank you for that. There were people who helped in many ways, somehow or another despite me giving the cold shoulder to the class. I realized (or I should have known), I turned up for a grand total of zero times to class outings. I was at the back wondering why people even bother organizing such outings. Only once I was coerced to do some CIP with the class. There were times when I studied with people from my class, there were the night study times. (all recently). There were people whom I got along with, as surface friends. I never bothered letting people know the real me. At school, a mask I put on because I know this is where the temporal exists. These two years that passed by, is just a vessel of the temporal.

Why treasure bonding in the temporal? People who blindly place faith and believe in class bonding, superficial friendships will hit a point where they realize that all is over. And all they get is a piece of memories to sob to. Memories, yes, overrated, highly overrated.A slice of memory is like a slice of pizza. Sizzling hot at first, then gradually but exponentially, it gets cold, it gets rotten, it decomposes, it disintegrates and then viola, you get nothing left! The taste changes over time, and the most we can do is to microwave it. Thus, They can be altered by our perception and if we try hard enough, it can be modified very drastically. Why forge memories when you can do it the easy way. Savoring memories is something that I am maladroit at, though I can sometimes be guilty of wallowing in past regrets, but I still find it more productive to look forward.

Back to the point, enemies yes. For every friend that I find no purpose in I do not mind making an enemy out of that person. Not intentionally, but I am naturally very pugnacious. I am trouble seeking. If I cannot see eye to eye with a person, it will be the first to know.

Perhaps from the start I did not see value in time in JC. All I knew was that time in school is time in school and outside the gates of school is where my life begins. I never liked involving myself in any school activities. Granted, there are quite a handful of nice people in this college, whom probably, if I was a more friendly person, would reach out to and make friends with. However, I'd say these people remain as hi-bye friends. It takes a person more than being nice to come close to me. Like I said, outside, I'm an introvert and I transcend beyond that in the proximity of the college.

Life in school is really boring, primarily because I am in conscious coma once I'm inside. I'm known to be a joker, to be the coldest of all. To be the one sprouting intelligent cold jokes, but all that is a facade. Without employment of such tactics, life in school was going to be so boring that I would end up skipping every single lesson. Still, I slept most lectures.

I should have said earlier that there were not going to be much of dedications. After all, everyone is on an equal plane, equally neutral or equally detestable. I dislike a lot people, I have to admit. Teachers are surprisingly nice, I have to admit. Mr Wong, who is actually being bullied quite a lot in class, or called names everywhere, is somehow the nicest teacher I had in JC. Mr Lee, who gave me free CIP hours, wins honorable mention

After all, it was just a slightly better secondary school experience. But there is an irking feeling that private candidate suits me better. After all, as someone said, " Colleges are places where pebbles are polished and diamonds dimmed". I am probably the latter.

Unofficial end

Two more MCQ papers spread out in one week. A level finally hits the suspension zone or the low density/low frequency paper region. YAY! I am elated. I think studying will cease now. I cannot be bothered to study for MCQ, I'll just go and try to get full marks.

Yesterday I almost lost my chem book (yes the guide book). And then after about an hour somehow I found it lying in my bag. How I wished I did not manage to find it, I would have been able to slack without the guilt. By then, my resolution to study was nil, I was totally reluctant to study. After all, after today's paper (which was tomorrow of yesterday's context), A'levels will unofficially cease.

Epic LAME

So much for studying Photoelectric effect and Quantum tunneling. I think anyone who has no clue on Quantum can safely still score in P2,P3 of Physics. Cambridge is so cunning. They make the absence of Quantum physics SO evident and obvious in paper 3, misleading everyone. Not to mention, they tested Nuclear twice and not a single hint of Quantum is to be found. I am freaking pissed not because I only studied Quantum for Paper 2, but it is well, my more comfortable chapter of the syllabus. Quantum is quite a big chunk, isn't it.

The first paper so far in A'levels that scored a little more on that little damage scale. Data based questions were weird, and the tremendous lack of time aggravates the situation. C'mon, the aftermath was unsettling. But again, I think (and hope), it's not only me. I finished the paper with weird answers towards the end. For most that I did (and assumed was right), I never looked at it again. Misleading paper 3, life is not a bed of roses huh. Great, understood.

It's okay, optimism ameliorates the stress, agony or whatsoever. After all, Physics P2 is the most dreaded paper. It is almost a time chase, a speed battle, and a battle for one's sanity. There was nothing much to be prepared for, the data based questions were more of a test of common sense, or maybe physic's senses, or whatever you may call it. It was not a good paper, (for once), but I think it did not go that bad. Well, it's over. :) The usual saying goes.

And in addition, I was almost late for the paper. The problem of committing information to one's memory. I memorized the wrong time of the paper (just like how I always memorize the wrong notes on the piano). I remembered 2PM as 2:30PM. and I only reached the exam venue when they were already resetting the GC. It was another mad rush for time in my dad's car, every traffic light drew me insane. And then.

My dad crashed a taxi's butt at the traffic light. That lame taxi refused to move, and my dad didn't noticed it was not moving despite the lights turning green. So forward he moved, and bang it went. Damage was minimal, but the cab driver was perplexed, and frustrated. Not good, our fault. So much for rushing. That was about 2-3 minutes to the school and about 5 minutes away from the start of the paper. Been sometime since the legendary adrenaline rush overwhelmed me.

My dad told the driver that he will be back to settle it, and thankfully the driver somewhat agreed. (it was settled as I did the paper). This will teach me a lesson, never to commit too much to memory. I have good memory, and a good confidence in my memory. But that does not mean I memorize the right thing.

Two dramatic events already happened during this two week of examinations. Things that can happen never fail to amuse me.

Oh well. So much for drama. After much introspection, the obsession and frenzy I am experiencing is probably because I feel as though I owe myself something. That is why I work doubly hard to repay what I denied myself of. It's my own fault, and now I have to repay, to compensate for the lost time. That is why I am go agitated, so initiated, so empowered. The love for challenges and to overcome challenges is another issue itself. This is one of the many factors that I have overlooked.

Very soon, A'levels will end. Just three more papers. Chemistry is tomorrow. They better not pull off another "epic LAME" paper.

I feel that the surfeit of whines, dissatisfactions and agony on people's MSN nick pertaining to today's paper somewhat is a GREAT consoling factor.

ZZZ

I'm having a bad headache. a real bad one. Last night, sleep was bad, stomach ache in the middle of the night. Woke up feeling very grumpy today, dao-ed a lot of people at church. Coupled with the fact I did not have breakfast, by about 12 I was already dying from gastric. I think my face was very black today, I looked pissed at everything. My mood is just, well, wavering. A hungry man is an angry man, heard of that, yea. And a sleepy man is an angrier man. Despite the "remedial sleep" or supplementary sleep in the afternoon I still find myself sleepy and as an "omake", a bad headache.

I'm starting to not be able to communicate well with people. I think it's the inevitable. Everything I do nowadays has it's foundation in isolation. I'm really inspired now. I got so many things to play, la campanella, fantasie impromptu (halfway through in a few days!!), revolutionary, and now starting chopin ballade and playing my bro's accompaniment. I haven't been studying you see.

untimely escape

YAY I slacked the whole day today. I have no idea why but this arcane sense of tranquility has been all within me the whole day.

Random. My room is currently under the "microscopic" invasion of organisms. What organisms? I have no idea, did I not say "microscopic". There are ants around, lots of them due to the existence of leftovers on a plate or the last drop of milo leftovers from breakfast. Lame beggars. What transcends this annoyance is the fact that the ants are tinier than I expected. There are ants which are so small that I have to look really close to see them crawling on my skin. Thus, I get this itch very often in the day so much that I have almost become immune/accustomed to it all. Yes, this means that I actually have microscopic ants partying on me. Doesn't sound right, I know. I call this the invisible itch, but still, somehow it might be psychological, or the weather, or some hallucination. I don't really care.

I've been under the plague, the curse, the affliction of itch for most of the day. My piano room is infested with mosquitoes. Now, that annoys me. Imagine having a fly/mosquito/flying hippopotamuses hovering right in front of you when I'm trying to read the score, or when I'm seriously in tender concentration. Come on, everyone knows concentration is more friable than the most brittle glass around. I spammed a few base notes, they wouldn't budge. I then played a few high frequency notes, they still buzzed insanely, and that was when I concluded that mosquitoes are somewhat deaf. But when I go berserk on the last section of la campanella, it seems i always have something tickling me at my leg. I guess mosquitoes don't like things too loud for their ears. (or wait, do they even have ears!?). Maybe mosquitoes understand the concept of "strike while the iron is hot", or maybe in this case " stink when the prey is busy " or along those lines

Oh yes, while being caught up in arbitrary slacking...

I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

David Fienberg

This is a poem I found. It seems perplexing at first. But it says a lot. I'll leave that to your own interpretation/imagination though. There's not many ways to interpret it.

Math is over and done with, forever. (quite certainly). For in the university, I intend to major in the C major. Or maybe I'll go for the Ninety Degree.

I think I am tending towards isolation again. Sometimes, I wonder why but a superiority complex is emerging from me. I have this problem of imposing ideas on others since young, always believing what I think is right. this is innate.

I practiced about 4-5 hours today. While feeling an immense sense of accomplishment, I also feel the consequential guilt. Studying will resume tomorrow. Yes, I woke up late, watched drama, practiced the piano, and then went exercising. So many things, all in the name "oh I was too tired to slack yesterday". For playing must be in proper conditions.

March to the finish line

I guess I'll have to march to the finish line with pillows, blankets and scores in my hand. Yesterday marks the end of the week of saturation. Papers almost everyday (more than one on some), almost all papers are important, they are fate determining. If the hours didn't kill, the immense pressure would deliver the Coup De Grace.

So it's nine more days to the end. With only 4 papers remaining, the ominous grey clouds which depicts the bleak future has cleared, the sky is full azure blue and the sun is grinning. This was the world I woke up to this morning. As contrasted with last Monday, when I woke up as though in some freaking pandemonium.

I had a good night sleep last night (just woke up!). Yesterday I had a sneak preview of life after A's.

Something tells me I cannot get along with people. Something tells me I'm more alienated than before. But I should not be bothered by what does not bother me at all.

Another step closer

We're almost halfway closer, though arguably more than half is over. Before we know it, the seemingly perpetual journey is going to just end just like this. I can't wait to get over Math tomorrow. Not that I dislike Math, but tomorrow I am so going to slack the entire day. Weekends for two subjects left, which are spread out (very stupidly) in one entire week.

The only dramatic thing that happened this week was somewhat the very timely failure of my graphic calculator. As anyone would know, doing A levels Math without a GC is no joke, it's like walking without legs, flying without wings and shitting without toilet paper, yes along those lines. I remembered I kept about 4 spare batteries for GC in my red crumpler bag and somehow when I checked to make sure they were there, they weren't! It was so last minute I didn't have time to get spare batteries. I thought I'd be fine. My trusty GC will not die on me at such a critical moment, I thought. After all during physics, it worked fine. However, I had this irking feeling that something wrong was going to happen, and the battery life was not right. I don't know how true is this but somehow when my handphone is low on battery, I don't feel good carry it in my pocket. When it's fully charged, I feel invigorated, empowered, somehow by the full battery. It's psychological. But somehow I felt there was something mystically wrong with my GC. I had this stupid irking feeling, so palpable that I actually had to tell myself that it would be too untimely for it to fail at the last minute.

If the GC is running out of battery, it would force one not to be able to clear memory (procedure before exam). I've heard after this point, it doesn't last long (not enough for 3 hours). A math paper is 3 hours long, there was about 5 minutes to the commencement of the paper. And there was when I tried to reset and my GC did not allow me to. It gave me the memory low screen. I was tossed between two choices which could determine the fate of the paper. Remain seated, or make the dash to the staffroom.

In my heart I knew there was only a slim chance whereby there would be a teacher at the staffroom, let alone Math teachers. GP teachers here aren't that rich to buy a GC to calculate their student's results (though probably sufficient with two hands and ten fingers). So I somehow made it to the general office and they had this spare GC rental going on. I think there were teachers with GC at standby. I was so relieved. I got this grey GC (too bad, grey, ominous colour, unlike the peaceful blue cover I use to stare at to gather inspiration when I'm stuck). I made the four level dash up the stairs and arrived back at my seat on the dot. Thank God, I felt really blessed at that point. Somehow.

It was no joke starting a math paper whilst coated with perspiration. But it was somewhat a consolation that if even such desperate situations can be overcome, so can any question in the paper.

It may not be that dramatic. Neither will it trigger seismic detectors. But it will be a cute little desperate, relieving experience in my memory. (which is only temporary, sadly).

Back to the point, Math paper 2 is tomorrow morning. C'mon, time, hasten your pace.

A request to time

Somehow it feels good knowing that somethings are gone for good (i.e geography). The first two days of hellish 5-6 hours of paper a day are over! A'levels kicked off at presto, now it's allegro, or maybe it will hit largo very soon. The tension is easing somewhat, for I know that the most horrible part of this two week endeavor is gone. Forever. No commentary on papers. It is for one's own sake to not review any paper after it's done, no use wondering if you spilled any milk or cry if it had been spilled. Some papers were moderate, some were unfavorable and some were favorable. It just boils down to where the mean will be.

Today is a break day. Tomorrow is chemistry paper 3 and after this week, most of the exam has ended except Science paper 1s and 2s (amounts to about 4 papers spread out in one week and a few days).

I feel fatigued. Overwhelmingly fatigued. I had to suddenly adjust to this weird time of waking up at insane hours. Suddenly, waking up at 7am (already one hour later than the average candidate), somewhat feels so foreign. The overwhelming fatigue was so palpable and vertigo was all in play. Wrecking every bit of concentration. Of course, I struggled to get to school, in fact, staggered. Red Bull, somewhat is my best friend.

I can't wait for it to end. For when it ends, I will have to take a short hiatus from any work. Any form of straining activities. For the mind is friable, I will have to be wary of going mad (maybe I already am). I will rest, for a couple of hours (preferably one day) and then I will embark on everything I want to play on the previous post. I have realized I cannot tolerate a life without aim. Even in the most seemingly nomadic holidays, I have found myself wandering around with an aim actually. Everything will halt once I enlist, there seem to be no point, but I cannot bear a life without purposes.

Initially I thought I would miss studying. Miss the science and math I'm studying. But I am at the saturation point where I would do anything to let go of it all now. Whenever I stare at my GP notes, geog notes, there is this tickling sensation. The urge to burn, haul or toss it to some other galaxy. there is some satisfaction when I look at a piece of paper on plate tectonics and then I crush it for somewhat of a cheap thrill. It's has always been like this. A'levels is just augmented O'levels. Advanced, as people may call it.

Just when I thought I wanted to study after A'levels. Something perhaps. But not anything I am studying right now. I want to read up on music history, I want to buy some Liszt books and read on his ever so complex history with the Schumann. I want to play Dota (yes, a nostalgic urge there is, and it is growing evident day by day). I want to dye my hair (somewhat, as a mark of completion of A'levels). I've been talking about it since O'levels and never had gotten down to it. But my resolution always plummets when faced with the coercion of my parents.

Come on, faster faster. Time, surprise me with how fast you might move.

A dosage of optimism

Things to play after A'levels

La Campanella
Revolutionary Etude
Fantasie Impromptu
Moonlight Sonata (complete)
Scherzo No 2
Tempest Movement 1

The countdown to the end

I'm tired. So I shall blog plainly.

I went studying with Joseph at King Albert Park. I used to loathe studying at that place. IMO, a place where people deceive themselves that they are actually studying when their eyes are wandering around looking for people they know or eye candies or whatsoever. I don't blame them. It's human nature at it's best. Today I had a feel (after a long time), it was not exactly impossible to study (for the fact it is in fact much more conducive when we factor the pungent, putrid presence that has imposed himself on my studying nest).

I just had major problems listening to that very Schubert Sonata which I wanted to listen to badly. Blame all the background noise. Tsk, tsk. Modern generations know nothing about tranquility. The wireless was too ineffectual to watch youtube on my ITouch (thankfully!). If not I would have spent my time watching videos. Bleh. So that I don't contradict myself, I actually studied.

Papers begin Monday. The line up commences with great ferocity. General Paper and Geography on the first day, Physics, Math (one paper each) on the 2nd day. Monday, Tuesday both end at 5pm. (sad). Following which, the pattern of one paper/day holds with holes in the middle (no doping, but yes, holes).

I am not exactly ready for Geography, and maybe physics. I think I am prepared for Math, Chemistry and General Paper (though I think most people will not study GP anyway). Just give me that Social Issues/Education topic that I have been writing all along. Arts and culture is a backup. When all else fails, I'll do the philosophy question.

Closer and closer

I never thought I could type so fast on messenger that it literally lagged.

Anyway, what happened to that "Without faltering, without stumbling". In a few days (actually two), which translates to approximately 48 hours, the gates open. I thought I would have given it all, I thought I would have ran with all my strength for this last lap. turned out otherwise. I am left huffing and puffing at the last lap. The lack of energy is inexorable, but yet what hinders progress to a larger extent is the lack of motivation. "Let's just get it done", "Smile, the paper would be noob friendly","even if you die, there's still the holidays to party!", all form of pseudo-optimism starts billowing like tsunami waves. Suffocated, goaded by these urges, and eventually I gave way. One week of half slacking, and half hearted revision. Timely.

I was greeted by a rude knock at the door. My dad was telling me off. " Don't play the piano so much ". Yes I know, I had been escaping to the piano recently. 30 minutes of reading notes, then off the more notes (no pun intended). I was doodling away at Fantasie Impromptu. Yes I just started learning today and I am one and a half page memorized and at almost full speed. (I personally think that is too fast). I think my dad noticed. How could it be possible to accomplish so much in one day. The only reason-I haven't been studying.

Yes I know, two more days. I can still start studying geography (or for that matter, start building up on that foundation which was lacking all the time), I can read GP, I can do wonders with two days. But what now, where's the motivation. I think some people are having high hopes of my A levels. No, don't. Please don't.

My Dad asked me, "prepared already?" I was about to quote C.C.Colton, " Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.".

See, I've been blogging more. It tells you where (insert arbitrary time frame) had gone to. Defenestrated. Yes, out of the window, into windows XP.

Restless

C'mon. I have no mood to study anymore. so hurry up just end this. C'mon, time move faster.

Stage flight

Even the most palpable fear can be suppressed, rationalized and controlled.

I just returned from Yong's violin 'mini recital" at the kindergarten. Ye was doing the set up, while I was just doodling around (when I should be studying). Eventually, I sat with Ye who was doing the PA system for Yong's performance (because they had this special violin microphone and the piano/violin volumes have to be adjusted, with the piano made softer). The long awaited 01900Hrs arrived, the ceremony commenced, and the guests, parents, children were swamping against golden barricades of silence.

It was a long wait, I would say, because I had my bag loaded with a stash of Gp content waiting to be unveiled and absorbed post performance whereby Ye would have fulfilled his duty and business and the uneasy fear and stress for my little brother would vanish. My heart was racing, not me on the stage, but somehow I just feel pressurized. I'm so rooting for him that probably I definitely do not want him to break down nor perform badly. At such a tender age, performing pieces quite advanced (for his age), is something definitely inexorably fear inducing.

Sadly, my dad did NOT take any video. The sole reason (lame one), was that there were professionals doing the video job, so there will be a DVD out (of the entire ceremony) post concert. Thus, we would eventually get a professional rendition of the performance. However, I am baffled by such logic because more often than not, such formats, are complicated to edit, and extract for simple purposes like posting on youtube (and subsequently, my blog). Eventually, when I have more time on my hands, I will get down to it. Not now, I hope.

He played three pieces, " Old Joe Clark, Sweet Lorraine and Rumba ", all of ABRSM grade 3 standard. It is directly from the syllabus (however, all from the contemporary section). Only having played one year, I think it was no easy feat. Especially for someone of 6 years of age. Yang played the piano accompaniment, kudos to his effort too. Post PSLE kids are certainly as free as the bird. This somewhat invokes envy within me.

The first piece, somewhat sounded muffled. It sounded as if it was trapped in fear. I think violinist have it worst. If they're intimidated to play in front of a crowd, it is pretty evident in the sound produced. His hands were probably trembling, if could somewhat image it from the sound. the contours of the music somewhat maps the image in his mind. The sounds, became more resplendent after the first piece. The second piece and third were his more favourite (up the sleeves) ones. I feel abashed to be unable to match music/melody to piece title despite living in the same house and hearing those three pieces repeated a trillion times. I know one of them, but the other two, I somehow get confused. It went well, the 2nd and the 3rd with the confidence going a new notches up each subsequent piece

I left, heaved a sigh of relief for them. Went off to some obscure corner to read my notes.

Somewhat, there is a fire within me to perform. Hiding in the closet is something a music student should never do. Oh wait, do I even consider myself a student of music (apparently not). Neither do I consider myself a pianist in any manner. Is it time for some private partying after A'levels. That might be good motivation!

It's time to end this. Once and for all. As Albert Einstein puts it, "The only thing that interferes with my learning is education". And in his words again " It is a miracle that curiosity survives Education". I'm finally making my way out of the door, the entire dark abysmal labyrinth, (hopefully not into another labyrinth, or worst, hell).

The reason why

I've actually begun thinking about where all those wasted time have gone to.

And I came to one big enlightenment.

One episode of Korean drama (beethoven virus) is one hour and 15 minutes long. So much for underestimating, and thinking all dramas should be 45 minutes long. No wonder, the experience was so perpetual.

I'm really going to study today. geog and gp! I'll take it paper by paper, one paper at a time. I hope I'm ready. Wavering confidence, again. Therefore, I have to study hard today.

Tonight is Tay Yong's first ever violin 'performance' at the kindergarten graduation. I think videos will be out, (I hope I don't suffer some guilt-based disease soon). I hope I'll manage to record my La Campanella soon. HAHA

What it all means to me

Am I so jaded to be sitting around doing nothing the entire day?

I've lost my resolution, my aim, and my focus. Let's just say, I am sitting duck, waiting for some sort of invigoration. (which will be either too late or not coming). The sad thing about me is that realization never arrives early, and even if it does, it's the wrong one.

I was in a state of vertigo this afternoon, not of high intensity, (thus, not worth the effort mitigating or whatsoever). I think it was due to the lack of sufficient good sleep. Sleep that does not rejuvenate, yes it was more of "unconscious doodling". I finally pushed myself (from the depths of the unconscious) to wake up at close to 10am this morning. Yes, I missed Daddy's express, but I got to church by bus.

I've learn how to tolerate today. Some pungent, putrid presence can be fairly annoying , however, remobilization was quixotic so much that I had to learn what is usually known as tolerance. . There are people whom you cannot get along with, fine, but for now, let me give up my pugnacity. I retreat, I give way.

There are so many things I want to do in 20 days time. The countdown target has shifted itself. Not to the beginning but the end. The wise saying goes, "begin with the end in mind", (where is this from? will some one enlighten me?). In a couple of days, all studying will cease as we gear up to walk into that hall of a medley of opponents. I would say with this modicum of time remaining, I will try to throughly enjoy studying. There is no other opportunity in the close future that provides such conducive environment for brain tuning. The days behind the wall in front will serve as an appropriate mirage for now.

I'm not screaming in agony. Neither am I overwhelmed with joy. Push us forward, oh time. Just move ahead!