Stage flight

Even the most palpable fear can be suppressed, rationalized and controlled.

I just returned from Yong's violin 'mini recital" at the kindergarten. Ye was doing the set up, while I was just doodling around (when I should be studying). Eventually, I sat with Ye who was doing the PA system for Yong's performance (because they had this special violin microphone and the piano/violin volumes have to be adjusted, with the piano made softer). The long awaited 01900Hrs arrived, the ceremony commenced, and the guests, parents, children were swamping against golden barricades of silence.

It was a long wait, I would say, because I had my bag loaded with a stash of Gp content waiting to be unveiled and absorbed post performance whereby Ye would have fulfilled his duty and business and the uneasy fear and stress for my little brother would vanish. My heart was racing, not me on the stage, but somehow I just feel pressurized. I'm so rooting for him that probably I definitely do not want him to break down nor perform badly. At such a tender age, performing pieces quite advanced (for his age), is something definitely inexorably fear inducing.

Sadly, my dad did NOT take any video. The sole reason (lame one), was that there were professionals doing the video job, so there will be a DVD out (of the entire ceremony) post concert. Thus, we would eventually get a professional rendition of the performance. However, I am baffled by such logic because more often than not, such formats, are complicated to edit, and extract for simple purposes like posting on youtube (and subsequently, my blog). Eventually, when I have more time on my hands, I will get down to it. Not now, I hope.

He played three pieces, " Old Joe Clark, Sweet Lorraine and Rumba ", all of ABRSM grade 3 standard. It is directly from the syllabus (however, all from the contemporary section). Only having played one year, I think it was no easy feat. Especially for someone of 6 years of age. Yang played the piano accompaniment, kudos to his effort too. Post PSLE kids are certainly as free as the bird. This somewhat invokes envy within me.

The first piece, somewhat sounded muffled. It sounded as if it was trapped in fear. I think violinist have it worst. If they're intimidated to play in front of a crowd, it is pretty evident in the sound produced. His hands were probably trembling, if could somewhat image it from the sound. the contours of the music somewhat maps the image in his mind. The sounds, became more resplendent after the first piece. The second piece and third were his more favourite (up the sleeves) ones. I feel abashed to be unable to match music/melody to piece title despite living in the same house and hearing those three pieces repeated a trillion times. I know one of them, but the other two, I somehow get confused. It went well, the 2nd and the 3rd with the confidence going a new notches up each subsequent piece

I left, heaved a sigh of relief for them. Went off to some obscure corner to read my notes.

Somewhat, there is a fire within me to perform. Hiding in the closet is something a music student should never do. Oh wait, do I even consider myself a student of music (apparently not). Neither do I consider myself a pianist in any manner. Is it time for some private partying after A'levels. That might be good motivation!

It's time to end this. Once and for all. As Albert Einstein puts it, "The only thing that interferes with my learning is education". And in his words again " It is a miracle that curiosity survives Education". I'm finally making my way out of the door, the entire dark abysmal labyrinth, (hopefully not into another labyrinth, or worst, hell).