Over thinking

I think too much huh.

I really wake up disliking what I'm going to spend my entire day doing. It's getting better. The imaginary end is coming ( I hope so ). Time doesn't push the end ahead of us but instead we have to push ourselves out of this shit. I want to go back to unit.

But granted, it's getting better and better. I realize I cannot keep up with stress. I start to reexamine into my own competence. my own absorbing ability etc.

I am right now, totally impaled by pressure, totally fatigued by stress. Only the magic potion red bull can save my sorry pathetic state right now (but I still heard it's damn unhealthy to drink too much). I can only rely on living my life day by day to pass time. Going through the motions, hoping things change for the better.

I think too much.

I cannot make it. I will just fail.

tough

Life is so tough now. I don't have the mood to talk to anybody. I really want to get this over and done with. Life sucks.

Relentless

I did not have a weekend last week. And I tell you, I am physically upset about it. My mind starts shutting down at about 2000 hrs to 2100 hrs. I cannot focus on any task which is after 1700 hrs. I start to feel sleepy on the car back home. This is mental torture. Even studying for A'levels was much better. So much tests coming up, the main course of this course is about to be served. Relentless.

Sunday. It doesn't feel nice booking into a place which you do not belong to,and in addition get walloped upside down for a crime you never committed. Fierce. Yes, fierce and unreasonable. I spent my whole Sunday doing nothing but wait at a shrine like place which is stuffy and hot. When our time is up, we go up the hill again to watch something like 4 seconds of explosions. This was indeed more epic than people who would spend the whole night sitting on a ground sheet under some romantic durian tree waiting for sunrise.

At certain points, I start to see myself trapped in somewhat, a thick layer of time. Thick itself is an understatement. Month by months, these layers unwrap itself naturally and finally after like some twenty four layers a holy grail would be unveiled! I'm starting to find it all so un-fun. So ridiculous, so stupid, so waste of time. The worst part, it is sucking myself away from me.

In the past few months, I've lost more than I could ever imagine. But the worst of it all, was losing myself. I need to find myself back.

I reap what I sow

I reap what I sow.

Oh. i rather be digging a shell scrape everyday then to go through this. Take me out of this place. I hate it. I abhor it.

My threshold for pain or discomfort is ridiculously low. Laugh at me. Mock me. Or whatever for I shall falter non stop to pain. But I will keep walking straight. Dead or alive, is another question.

The same old question

Yesterday a meteorite crashed straight into my home. All burned and fatigued, glowing with it's last energy. That meteorite was me. And indeed, I was pissed and plagued with some kind of "ah screw it" kind of attitude. I'll tell you, stay out may sound good, but it's not as good as it sounds. In fact, it's bad.

Instructors seem to always like to play with your time. They have everything to threaten you with. Threaten to confine you till nine, threaten to have extra training, make you do your homework until late hours. Trust me, I don't like going home at nine because it takes about an hour to get home. And guess what, I have to get up early again next morning to go back to the same freaking place. What a lie about 8-5 work. An average day is until 6 and most days are plagued with night training until 9-10. How wonderful.

I tell you. Yesterday I reached home at 1900hrs. and I had 350 questions of highway code theory to do. And you know what. I'm intending to copy them all. I was just so pissed because they had to cancel our driving simulation lesson and chuck it on Saturday. Its so convenient for them! It's so easy for them to say. Do you think we people serving NS have no commitments outside? The answer is no, we still do, but they expect us not to have any.

I know driving is good. Getting a license is good. But to me, maybe it's just an illusion. Even if I get to drive a car around. How often would that be. Right now, maybe on weekends. It's just an over glorified cheap thrill. People like to feel mighty, they like to feel they have the freedom over something. (in this case, the road, and the vehicle). they like to feel as if they can teleport from point A to point B. It's an adult thing anyway. Maybe they like to feel adult. Why do most people go all out for a driving license the moment the gate of time opens up for them? I cannot understand.

Anyway it's supposed to be cool. And I'm thinking that it's useful. (Not as if I feel it really is.)

I have to wash up soon and get ready for my 1 hour adventure into a foreign land.

If all things goes well, I'll be having my rest tonight. If not, probably I'll be wandering home in the darkness.

Steering wheel of fortune

Oh wow. So now I got myself into a stay out course for about a month. This course is something which is considered sacred and divine because most people around this age would be quite desperate to get what they call this piece of certificate which allows you to sit in a machine that goes zoom and effectively teleports you anywhere you want.

Stay out jeep course. That's what they call it.

Sounds like the perfect dream. In 1 month, I'll get military class 3 license which allows me to drive jeep, rovers (and we'll probably learn that we should not drive when someone is checking the wheels beneath or something). That is not a civilian license and I'll still have to take the test outside but I guess I'll save all my money and time on driving lessons because jeeps and cars are effectively the same thing.

Perfection. But No! the camp is at kaki bukit which is about an hour's drive away from where I stay. I have to go home everyday, which is such a chore and training is 5.5 day week. I'll have to go on Saturday and that sucks.

But still, driving is nice. I get a feeling if SAF never forced me to go, I would never ever bother to get my lazy arse off my computer chair and get enrolled in something.

Hopefully by the end of the year you peeps see me driving around. (no, not in bicycle). but anyway. I'm totally fatigued.

It's so tiring going into office, sit there and stone for an hour or so until they make you pick up leaves and clean windows. For afternoon activities, we sweep the floor across an abandoned road by the river so that people who come running can enjoy fresh air and nice scenery which was artificially beautified by intensive and extensive man labor. But it's nice calling it for the day at evening, then having the whole night to rest-yes, thats nice.

Meaningless life. But somehow, meaningful lives, somehow involve some form of suffering. So maybe there is actually some meaning in being meaningless.

My little adventure

I belong to a group of random people who would do random stupid things on a random night. Take for example, I took 3 liters of water, some random oreos cookies, sweets, towel, shirt, deodorant, and many many other random stuff to give a weight of 5-6KG on a back pack and ran 10 Km on a slightly drizzling night. Maybe it was less than 10Km, because I took only about an hour with that extra weight. I found a park, sat down, and had my oreos. Got to admit, it was a little tiring.

It was again, a run down memory lane. I ran to ten mile junction, then to diary farm. then to rail mall, then to bukit timah fire station, and then finally to church, whereby I found a nice spot to sit down and have my tidbits. Following which, I stoned there for about an hour.

Who want to join me for my night runs!

This long weekend gave me sufficient rest. I feel charged up. I do not dread going into camp tonight. I think it will pretty fun this week. The prospects have changed. I can look forward to jeep lessons (and saving money on driving lessons outside!), spray fire some machine gun which is supposed to be mounted on the jeep. Take navigation lessons so in future if I get lost in the jungle that might be useful. (IMHO, I have very bad sense of direction). The only drawback is walking a lot, which I happen to like if you have a couple of friends with a decent sense of humor.

It's Sunday morning!

I was watching a Korean drama yesterday entitled "He who can't marry". It's really interesting so far!

My royal decree

I am sick of telling people, Oh I got this so and so grades for A'levels, BUT that was because I never studied even the bare minimum. Because they always give a skeptical look, and with that little dubious eyes, they gave me a cold stare that penetrates my seemingly impregnable core stone of pride. For those who think I did study a lot, yes, for the last 1 month or so. My prelim results were dying, I failed every single subject at mid year, and I blew my practical and send 20% of my double science down the drain. I had no choice because it could have been worst. Now, do I already sufficiently justify myself.

I've gotten into university. But no. I'm going to retake and I'm dead serious about it. I have a lot of power stuck within me, now it's just time to unleash it all. For once, in my life. I don't want to be mediocre, because I know, there's definitely not where I belong.

I realize people like me don't belong in society. The core reason why sometimes I voluntarily isolate myself from people is because I always expect people to behave a certain way. I expect people to give me some respect and attention like I have always gotten since young. I expect my friends to listen to me, and agree with me. I expect a lot a lot things which the outside world cannot give. And when that happens, I swell in disappointment. And in dismay, I walk out, sulking. This world, where no one is out to accommodate me, where people no longer think you're the main character, where you're just another one of them. I hate it.

I should banish myself.

Twist of worlds

Twist of worlds, change of perspective.

I hope things will be like what I think it would be. And with that, I'll be really happy.

The jeep or the bulldozer

I'm blogging on Wednesday night. Whoopee!

It was a sad day today. I never knew parting could be so sad. I never knew 2.5 weeks was enough for us to bond so much that I felt so terrible when I had to leave alpha. I never even felt a single pinch of how I felt during BMT though I am certainly sure I miss my Jaguar friends. Now, I know, I know. I have to go.

Introvert I am. But deep down maybe I do really treasure friendships. The bond in a platoon can be overwhelming, I tell you. And true enough, hardship do put people closer together.

Sad to say. tomorrow is gonna be a new place. new adventure.

Moving on. Adaption is the word of the week. Maybe it's the only word I have to learn.

And yes. I wasn't surprise at how emotional I was today. I'm not emo, but emotional. I have feelings, that ain't really under my control.