Well, i have to say that 2010 was mainly about army. it was the crust of the army pizza here. and majority of the syllabus and requirements was cleared in this year. my year one and two range, IPPT, close combat training and so on and so forth. We even went up to Thailand for exercise. This year wasn't swift at all, If I had to say something, "screw you 2010" it was a tough year, both mentally and physically.
This was the year I became 20. And my life took drastic changes. My life right now is completely different from what I was 1 year ago. I did not imagine this change, nor brace myself sufficiently. I'm glad almost all my army stuff are over and done with. It was a tough year, really.
2011. I'm going to finally get my Pink Ic back, along with freedom. Going to university, running the sundown, taking my ATCL piano diploma. it's going to be a hectic and stressful year as well. But I hope it'll definitely be better than the year that had just gone by. I have a lot I want to achieve.
I told myself I'm not going to dwell on the past. But seriously, Christmas and end of year festive mood was totally ridiculously bad. It sucks enough to be alone on those days (I don't mean literally) but it sucks to suffer a blast from the past. I'm not strong enough, that's why I always get hut. I'm was being a kid, thats why I was hurt.
Resolutions. I want to be able to do things well next year. I want to forge good bonds with people, do well in the things I am supposed to, and move on with life.
Like I said in my last year's resolutions, for a better 2011. It's quite funny how I said 2011 not 2010 like on 2009. we all know 2010 was going to be not so good for me. but heck, it's over. And i'm over with everything that happened in this year. I guess the army trains us all well to suck our thumbs.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
the awesome 2 days
Practically this 2 days in camp has been really like a chalet. Talking until 2am, partying with Citadels in the afternoon (awesome card game btw). and then when we felt like it, Prata at Jalan Kayu at night. I slept late both nights, had awesome conversations and the card games were good. the rest monster hunter-ed on their psps until the next day morning. this is how army should be. food is free, lodging is free, we pay zero cents. the whole camp compound was like pretty much all to ours since most people are on leave. I gymed this afternoon, and we had the whole gym to ourselves. Cool days.
I don't even know if things will be like this next year. I was reading the training schedule for the next few months and I was accidentally reading pass march 11th and I was like " aw shit there's this on say this date". and someone was like " you'll be gone by then". it's pretty happy mood now here and everyone's like smiling because they either have 42 days of 72 days left. And it helps when there are other people Ord-ing like 1 year later than you around you. just makes you wanna rub it in. it's a joyous time of the year, and ord is a once in a life time experience. it's that transcendental awesome freedom that we're all looking forward to. now I have a 5 day weekend again. say what up.
I don;t think i'll have to do duty anymore. there's no much Pt in the morning and there's like off in lieus written all over Jan and Feb. looks like this is gonna be a swift 72 days. c'mon.c'mon.
I don't even know if things will be like this next year. I was reading the training schedule for the next few months and I was accidentally reading pass march 11th and I was like " aw shit there's this on say this date". and someone was like " you'll be gone by then". it's pretty happy mood now here and everyone's like smiling because they either have 42 days of 72 days left. And it helps when there are other people Ord-ing like 1 year later than you around you. just makes you wanna rub it in. it's a joyous time of the year, and ord is a once in a life time experience. it's that transcendental awesome freedom that we're all looking forward to. now I have a 5 day weekend again. say what up.
I don;t think i'll have to do duty anymore. there's no much Pt in the morning and there's like off in lieus written all over Jan and Feb. looks like this is gonna be a swift 72 days. c'mon.c'mon.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Christmas in G minor
I slept my Christmas away.
Under the blanket. Under the soft effect of Chopin nocturnes, I really had a good afternoon nap. The weather was calm, the breeze was moderate-just-nice and everything fell into place. I've been sleeping a lot lately, I know.
This year's Christmas made me think about a lot of things. Perhaps it is my own expectations that brought everything down. On it's eve, I hung out with new friends of a few months, gotta say it was awkward at times because somehow I suddenly realize I have no close friends to spent the day with. Loneliness, if you sum it up. Memories of last year's Christmas stream in and assault me relentlessly. Having a good memory is cool in school but for such things it sucks. I can even remember the stuff to the detail that happened last Christmas. This Christmas made me wonder if I am totally over you. I mean, not that it matters because you don't pick up my calls or reply my messages anyway. But yeah, this year, I somehow just want to hide under my blanket and live in last year's world.
Of course, Christmas is not Valentine's day or a gift exchanging day or whatever. It is the birth of Christ and we should not be overly concerned about worldly matters. But it is a definite thing that things like Santa, presents, romance, parties that will never cease to distract us. In actual fact, this is just another day on the calender. but the December wind is totally different. the wind that blows through the window this year is sad, it's bitter, it's lonely and it's in G minor.
To put myself back on track this year, I had set myself routines, goals, and expectations of myself. I have signed up for a lot this year. My piano diploma examination next year requires countless of hours of practice, the Sundown marathon which I intend to get a good reasonable timing for also requires countless of hours of sweating it out. Ultimately, I have thought about all the things in life I want to accomplish, and have been trying fervently to make myself more disciplined organized and more efficient. but this is the time of the year you start wondering why you're doing all this for.
Like I've told some people. the Christmas lights in town and all that festive season ain't very healthy to look at for single dudes like me. Because this is the time of the year you need someone's hand to hold. and you look around you, and there's no one that fits the bill NOR you can imagine yourself with. I mean, the person isn't just here. Or maybe you were with that person last year but she's gone now. So you wonder, how will the next person that enters your life be like. will it be soon? will it be five years down the road. Beats me. and that is a question that is bugging me. Because I don't even know if I'm ready. And once I'm in again, all the things I've been working for will somehow make way for this person, and my focus will be disrupted and everything will suddenly seem ironically "purposeful" despite doing all the "un-meaninful" thigns. C'mon dating can be quite a time waster right.
Somehow, i lay in bed. playing with my ipod touch. it's the same bed I laid on last year talking to her on the phone after Christmas caroling. it was the same bed I borrowed my brother's Mac book to web cam with her last Christmas morning. It was the same table which I made my card for her. And it was exactly 365 days ago when i received that awesome hand made card which was the most awesome card I have ever received.
Alright it is not often that I indulge in the most intimate of my memories these days. I don't think of her anymore on a daily basis. But this is the day (christmas) which I braced myself for quite sometime back. Changing church doesn't make things any better. because the warmth which I use to experience on Christmas isn't there and because of that relative comparison, things here at the new place feels cold and unwelcoming.
Christmas is over now and thank you but I wish to carry on with my own life. Going back to camp next monday night will probably help things. Back to piano practice and running and gyming. This festive season sucks I have gotta say.
Under the blanket. Under the soft effect of Chopin nocturnes, I really had a good afternoon nap. The weather was calm, the breeze was moderate-just-nice and everything fell into place. I've been sleeping a lot lately, I know.
This year's Christmas made me think about a lot of things. Perhaps it is my own expectations that brought everything down. On it's eve, I hung out with new friends of a few months, gotta say it was awkward at times because somehow I suddenly realize I have no close friends to spent the day with. Loneliness, if you sum it up. Memories of last year's Christmas stream in and assault me relentlessly. Having a good memory is cool in school but for such things it sucks. I can even remember the stuff to the detail that happened last Christmas. This Christmas made me wonder if I am totally over you. I mean, not that it matters because you don't pick up my calls or reply my messages anyway. But yeah, this year, I somehow just want to hide under my blanket and live in last year's world.
Of course, Christmas is not Valentine's day or a gift exchanging day or whatever. It is the birth of Christ and we should not be overly concerned about worldly matters. But it is a definite thing that things like Santa, presents, romance, parties that will never cease to distract us. In actual fact, this is just another day on the calender. but the December wind is totally different. the wind that blows through the window this year is sad, it's bitter, it's lonely and it's in G minor.
To put myself back on track this year, I had set myself routines, goals, and expectations of myself. I have signed up for a lot this year. My piano diploma examination next year requires countless of hours of practice, the Sundown marathon which I intend to get a good reasonable timing for also requires countless of hours of sweating it out. Ultimately, I have thought about all the things in life I want to accomplish, and have been trying fervently to make myself more disciplined organized and more efficient. but this is the time of the year you start wondering why you're doing all this for.
Like I've told some people. the Christmas lights in town and all that festive season ain't very healthy to look at for single dudes like me. Because this is the time of the year you need someone's hand to hold. and you look around you, and there's no one that fits the bill NOR you can imagine yourself with. I mean, the person isn't just here. Or maybe you were with that person last year but she's gone now. So you wonder, how will the next person that enters your life be like. will it be soon? will it be five years down the road. Beats me. and that is a question that is bugging me. Because I don't even know if I'm ready. And once I'm in again, all the things I've been working for will somehow make way for this person, and my focus will be disrupted and everything will suddenly seem ironically "purposeful" despite doing all the "un-meaninful" thigns. C'mon dating can be quite a time waster right.
Somehow, i lay in bed. playing with my ipod touch. it's the same bed I laid on last year talking to her on the phone after Christmas caroling. it was the same bed I borrowed my brother's Mac book to web cam with her last Christmas morning. It was the same table which I made my card for her. And it was exactly 365 days ago when i received that awesome hand made card which was the most awesome card I have ever received.
Alright it is not often that I indulge in the most intimate of my memories these days. I don't think of her anymore on a daily basis. But this is the day (christmas) which I braced myself for quite sometime back. Changing church doesn't make things any better. because the warmth which I use to experience on Christmas isn't there and because of that relative comparison, things here at the new place feels cold and unwelcoming.
Christmas is over now and thank you but I wish to carry on with my own life. Going back to camp next monday night will probably help things. Back to piano practice and running and gyming. This festive season sucks I have gotta say.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
why runs are fun
I just ran 21.0km for the second time this week. it was painful, yes, on my knees, legs, especially the thighs and the after effects are awesomely tiring. But it was worth it. Because I feel so refreshed. the thing about running is you can never have a cynical run. you can never run feeling so worthless or skeptical about life because you are supposedly supposed to muster as much positive energy and encourage yourself through the miles. even when you're legs feel like they cannot carry on, you have to.
My timing, 2 hours and 8 minutes. It's slow I know. Im never gonna hit my target of 4'30 for next year's Sundown (my first 42km by the way). I want a good first try that I can be proud about. But long distance running can really be painfully fun somehow. I mean, emo kids should serious try running instead of like slashing themselves. it's painful, yes, but in a healthy way.
I guess it's the Christmas season. a bad time of the year for single dudes because it DOES get lonely sometimes when everyone is like dating and you're left alone. Not exactly left, but hey, I'm only 20. it's not time yet, thats what they all say. oh well. running is the best thing you can do because it makes you feel healthy and keeps you occupied so that you don't think about "foolishly" committing yourself to a relationship OR spending your time hooking up with girls. Anyway, being single is still more productive in terms of accomplishing what you want in life.
the lights of town make me reflect sometimes about last year. What have changed. 2010 was a tough year. My life took a big change. my meaning in life suddenly had to take a drastic change. the me before I enlisted probably did not imagine the me who is going to ORD soon. at times, I miss 2009's December. I don't know if you still think about last year. But it was happy memories wasn't it. anyway, I try not to think too much into the past. Moving on is fine. and running (again) makes things much better .I'm stronger, better, faster now. My piano is improving and I'm just a whisker away from the magic ORD date. life is surely better.
runs are funs. And it takes my mind away from alot of unnessecary bitter, unhappy, sorrowful thoughts. because I think a glass of water after a long run makes you appreciate life for what it is.
My timing, 2 hours and 8 minutes. It's slow I know. Im never gonna hit my target of 4'30 for next year's Sundown (my first 42km by the way). I want a good first try that I can be proud about. But long distance running can really be painfully fun somehow. I mean, emo kids should serious try running instead of like slashing themselves. it's painful, yes, but in a healthy way.
I guess it's the Christmas season. a bad time of the year for single dudes because it DOES get lonely sometimes when everyone is like dating and you're left alone. Not exactly left, but hey, I'm only 20. it's not time yet, thats what they all say. oh well. running is the best thing you can do because it makes you feel healthy and keeps you occupied so that you don't think about "foolishly" committing yourself to a relationship OR spending your time hooking up with girls. Anyway, being single is still more productive in terms of accomplishing what you want in life.
the lights of town make me reflect sometimes about last year. What have changed. 2010 was a tough year. My life took a big change. my meaning in life suddenly had to take a drastic change. the me before I enlisted probably did not imagine the me who is going to ORD soon. at times, I miss 2009's December. I don't know if you still think about last year. But it was happy memories wasn't it. anyway, I try not to think too much into the past. Moving on is fine. and running (again) makes things much better .I'm stronger, better, faster now. My piano is improving and I'm just a whisker away from the magic ORD date. life is surely better.
runs are funs. And it takes my mind away from alot of unnessecary bitter, unhappy, sorrowful thoughts. because I think a glass of water after a long run makes you appreciate life for what it is.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Taiwan 2010 part 1
I was considering a more flashy, introspective, or cool title. but I guess simplicity counts. I don't want looking back to archives to find something like "the meaning of Chinese" or "a summary in tea leaves and jade dragons" or something along those lines. Back to the point. I just returned from a 7 day Taiwan holiday package with my family. I won't go into the details, but basically this was a good break from routine life. I've never been to a free and easy overseas trip so I wouldn't know. but tour seems pretty cool when people around ain't that bad or easy to hang out with, and plus everything is catered so you can just lay back and relax.
So yes, I've been to a lot more places for holidays than your average guy in Singapore. Some of my friends' virgin flight was to Claymore for exercise. That is pretty sad, but again, there is nothing absolutely nothing wrong with that. Every year, I have to drag a gigantic bag and go along to a random unvisited before destination. It's almost a tradition now, it's a ritual, and i don't think my family can live a year without going for a holiday at the end of the year. maybe things will change when the older brothers grow older or maybe we get sick of it someday. there are places which I have yet to visit. yes. the more nearby ones like Malaysia and Vietnam, I haven't been there before. And there are lots of exotic countries which I have yet to set foot upon. It's almost like it's becoming a collection. Since I'm not really an avid fan of the "live the moment" kind of paradigm, I find the best way of appreciating overseas endeavors is to keep them like a collection. it's like a "to-do" list and with each trip your list grows. And yes, it's pretty cool when you name a place and I go "ah yes I have been there". It's hard to find somewhere there is "standard repertoire" for holidays which I haven't been to. Korea, Japan, Taiwan, China,Thailand, Taiwan almost all the popular places in Europe, and almost the entire Australia (state by state, yes). I've been there all. I guess I'll have a good idea of where's good to go for my honeymoon next time! AND, traveling ain't really my cup of tea anyway.
I have to say that the people in the trip does affect how it goes. It is amusing how my family can sit down and "gossip" about other people's habits or shortcomings at the end of the day. Of course, we would crack a joke or two about the uncle who spent 3000 SGD on a jade dragon which seems nothing more like a overweight paperweight to me. I mean, it can't even move it's claws or anything like lego or toy dragons which you can easily buy at Toy'saurus for a 20 bucks.
Pressure tactics are really rampant. They put you in a room, start talking about how good their product is. Or maybe indirectly try to promote their product (but it is still freaking obvious). then they get uniformed staff to come in and try to personally "pressure" people into buying. this unethical method of doing business is ridiculous. Think of it, if the product is that good, do they have to resort to such means? nay. I would say, that I've seen so many of these that sometimes it scares me to see people fall for their trap. health products or feng shui equipments always promise prosperity. but I can sell you a piece of stone on the ground and come out with a 100 page thesis on how it can make you smarter. Do you think I'll become rich. Maybe? but this is so wrong.
Places of interest that were actually interesting were definitely lacking. Mainly because there were too many trips to temples and it's variations. I have to say Chinese architecture does not appeal to me. It's true that temples and churches etc are all religious landmarks but in my humble opinion (and to no one's offense). churches are more artistically constructed. and people wow at a pipe organ and beautiful windows compared to a gigantic Buddha. There were a lot of traditional visits which, well, does not really appeal to me either. It's like places you go and you know you'll be just trying to amuse yourself or try to psych yourself into the "this is tradition" kind of mood to be able to endure through the entire place/show.
I'm kinda sleepy. it's 5 in the morning. time to go to bed! Continue tomorrow.
So yes, I've been to a lot more places for holidays than your average guy in Singapore. Some of my friends' virgin flight was to Claymore for exercise. That is pretty sad, but again, there is nothing absolutely nothing wrong with that. Every year, I have to drag a gigantic bag and go along to a random unvisited before destination. It's almost a tradition now, it's a ritual, and i don't think my family can live a year without going for a holiday at the end of the year. maybe things will change when the older brothers grow older or maybe we get sick of it someday. there are places which I have yet to visit. yes. the more nearby ones like Malaysia and Vietnam, I haven't been there before. And there are lots of exotic countries which I have yet to set foot upon. It's almost like it's becoming a collection. Since I'm not really an avid fan of the "live the moment" kind of paradigm, I find the best way of appreciating overseas endeavors is to keep them like a collection. it's like a "to-do" list and with each trip your list grows. And yes, it's pretty cool when you name a place and I go "ah yes I have been there". It's hard to find somewhere there is "standard repertoire" for holidays which I haven't been to. Korea, Japan, Taiwan, China,Thailand, Taiwan almost all the popular places in Europe, and almost the entire Australia (state by state, yes). I've been there all. I guess I'll have a good idea of where's good to go for my honeymoon next time! AND, traveling ain't really my cup of tea anyway.
I have to say that the people in the trip does affect how it goes. It is amusing how my family can sit down and "gossip" about other people's habits or shortcomings at the end of the day. Of course, we would crack a joke or two about the uncle who spent 3000 SGD on a jade dragon which seems nothing more like a overweight paperweight to me. I mean, it can't even move it's claws or anything like lego or toy dragons which you can easily buy at Toy'saurus for a 20 bucks.
Pressure tactics are really rampant. They put you in a room, start talking about how good their product is. Or maybe indirectly try to promote their product (but it is still freaking obvious). then they get uniformed staff to come in and try to personally "pressure" people into buying. this unethical method of doing business is ridiculous. Think of it, if the product is that good, do they have to resort to such means? nay. I would say, that I've seen so many of these that sometimes it scares me to see people fall for their trap. health products or feng shui equipments always promise prosperity. but I can sell you a piece of stone on the ground and come out with a 100 page thesis on how it can make you smarter. Do you think I'll become rich. Maybe? but this is so wrong.
Places of interest that were actually interesting were definitely lacking. Mainly because there were too many trips to temples and it's variations. I have to say Chinese architecture does not appeal to me. It's true that temples and churches etc are all religious landmarks but in my humble opinion (and to no one's offense). churches are more artistically constructed. and people wow at a pipe organ and beautiful windows compared to a gigantic Buddha. There were a lot of traditional visits which, well, does not really appeal to me either. It's like places you go and you know you'll be just trying to amuse yourself or try to psych yourself into the "this is tradition" kind of mood to be able to endure through the entire place/show.
I'm kinda sleepy. it's 5 in the morning. time to go to bed! Continue tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Duty Free
I went back to Seletar for duty yesterday and right now, I sit here quite zombie-fied as I haven't had a good night's sleep since Sunday night. (and it's tuesday). I still manage to get things done by drinking coffee, but I was tired the whole day but I just can't seem to fall asleep.
Prowling was actually quite fun because talking to Edson can be more interesting than other people. We crapped and time did fly. I mean, we actually had a conversation about conversations and how other people's conversations (with us) lack some sort of "substance". It was rather arrogant of us to assume our conversations were perfectly and interestingly intellectual but heck. And yes, I do enjoy a good talk once in awhile.
I made a decision. That is to be happy and not constantly flinch at what others may throw at me. Becoming stronger emotionally is a life time's ambition I mean, constantly in our lives we are faced with people who bug us, annoy the hell out of us, or people whom we just cannot stand looking at. People with attitudes that piss us of, people that do bad things to us, people who gossip about us, people who we think do not respect us. There are tons of people like that out there. The solution I have came up with is to disregard their existence, Ignore and Deny as if their words and their actions whereby they have no effect on anything in this world. Everything they say become nullified but this "invincible paradigm". It is probably impossible to love your enemies but it is possible to ignore them. In this world, we know that garbage exist and stuff that agonizes our nose (hint, you can find them in the toilet) exist. But we do not have to keep opening the thrash can to relive the experience or to curse and swear about why does rubbish stink! No one would do that. We just accept that, first, there are smelly things in this world, and two, we do not want to be exposed to them and thirdly we avoid them or put them away whenever possible. I shall just do that with annoying people now. Why would I keep opening the garbage bin and smelling it's contents over and over again. Hatred, is just like that. You can kick the black rubbish bag as much as you want but the end of the day, you're the one suffering the stench that comes from it.
I'm tired and sleepy. It's time to go to bed. I don't know what's install for tomorrow. Frankly, I fear that I might be going to be outfield for quite sometime.
Prowling was actually quite fun because talking to Edson can be more interesting than other people. We crapped and time did fly. I mean, we actually had a conversation about conversations and how other people's conversations (with us) lack some sort of "substance". It was rather arrogant of us to assume our conversations were perfectly and interestingly intellectual but heck. And yes, I do enjoy a good talk once in awhile.
I made a decision. That is to be happy and not constantly flinch at what others may throw at me. Becoming stronger emotionally is a life time's ambition I mean, constantly in our lives we are faced with people who bug us, annoy the hell out of us, or people whom we just cannot stand looking at. People with attitudes that piss us of, people that do bad things to us, people who gossip about us, people who we think do not respect us. There are tons of people like that out there. The solution I have came up with is to disregard their existence, Ignore and Deny as if their words and their actions whereby they have no effect on anything in this world. Everything they say become nullified but this "invincible paradigm". It is probably impossible to love your enemies but it is possible to ignore them. In this world, we know that garbage exist and stuff that agonizes our nose (hint, you can find them in the toilet) exist. But we do not have to keep opening the thrash can to relive the experience or to curse and swear about why does rubbish stink! No one would do that. We just accept that, first, there are smelly things in this world, and two, we do not want to be exposed to them and thirdly we avoid them or put them away whenever possible. I shall just do that with annoying people now. Why would I keep opening the garbage bin and smelling it's contents over and over again. Hatred, is just like that. You can kick the black rubbish bag as much as you want but the end of the day, you're the one suffering the stench that comes from it.
I'm tired and sleepy. It's time to go to bed. I don't know what's install for tomorrow. Frankly, I fear that I might be going to be outfield for quite sometime.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Need a break
I've been meaning to blog over the past few days. 2nd week of Nee Soon phase is over! now it's down to the last week whereby it is more outfields and then finally the summary exercise woodpecker. I don't really know because basically I've been sleeping in bunk a lot and IMM-ing (itouch movie marathon). I watch countless episodes of Criminal minds and the movie "the social network" over the past week. Relaxing life. That is so the way to go!
Next week won't be exactly the same. Duty on Monday, which is sadly, going to burn my stay out. Exercise night is going to burn one day of Stay out. So minus the already by default Friday Book out, I'm left with a net profit of 2 days. not so much. And I'm currently dreading doing duty on Monday night.
I believe it is about 112 days to ORD. I really do not wish to go back to camp to see my platoon mates. Some people are okay, some are borderline, some are really not okay. Sometimes, I just look at this world and sigh. You cannot change people nor expect people to behave the way you want them to. To quote, I actually had one guy told me that staying at home whole day playing piano is boring. MY Goodness . That is worthy of being blasphemous. They blast rock music in bunk and they think it's cool. Some people think riding a motorbike is cool, when it's so not. I mean, real classy people ride in say, expensive branded cars. All that stuff with smoking, ahbeng-ish is totally uncool, and unintelligent. I am a classical music elitist because I believe that listen to Mozart does make you few notches higher on the intellectuality scale. Music is not about taste, it is about intelligence. And there is some article on that correlation and I just have to dig it out.
This brings me back to primary school where I "un-friended" a close friend of mine because we shared differing views on which cartoons were "better". I really believed I was right, and right now what I am feeling is just an augmentation of that similar trait I had at childhood.
I'm really tired of this world. and living in it because things don't go the way you always want it to. I avoid people because they never live up to your expectations. They behave in a way which is non coherent with my "main character" perspective of life. The world does not revolve around me? And so I will detach myself from the world because there is no reason to live in a sucky world just like how there is no reason to continue playing a losing game. I just want to win all the time. Is that wrong? is that childish? Is that delusional?
Bitterness. I suffer from plenty of that. People who have even done the slightest wrong thing which had offended me even in a minor way. The things which I wanted but could not have. I even bear bitterness against myself. (which is pretty sad).
Army life does change people a little. Here and there. But it is coming to an end. there are times where I had to suck up my own pride (and thumb) just to avoid a ridiculous argument. or because I have given up on letting people see my point. there are times where I stayed under the radar and kept quiet when my lines were being crossed. but all that was just to survive. Because I had to bear with living with "these other people" for the next who knows how many months to go. It was a tactical decision. But now, it's all coming to an end. I don't really care about who I might offend, because I think right from the very start, those bonds weren't there. Friendship. Bleh, doesn't exist. Because right from the very start we were all coerced into this, we all had no choice. It's like people stranded on an island forced to be nice to each other so as to survive the day. But when rescue comes, and a helicopter with limited spaces flows by. All hells will break loose and people's ugly nature will then emerge to fight for their own selfish cause of getting out of the island. You need not to be a genius to realize this. But I have lost hope in friendship or people.
People can get along only when they assume there's mutual respect. (which in my opinion, may not really exist just like we assume)
I'm tired. With all that emotional drama within me. The ghosts of the past, the enemy right in front of me, and the lurking uncertainty of the future all faces me in a three pronged attack. I just come home sometimes trying not to paddle and waddle in cynical goo which had caught me since day one. I try to stand up straight and do things right. This is where and when I go up to the piano and try to practice to set things right. Life does have to have a meaning. And because I have given up on people, the meaning I find have to be greater to compensate for what I have loss.
I'm exhausted. Really tired of all this. Maybe i'm delusional. Maybe I am just my own victim of my mind's hunting. I need to regain my sanity.
Next week won't be exactly the same. Duty on Monday, which is sadly, going to burn my stay out. Exercise night is going to burn one day of Stay out. So minus the already by default Friday Book out, I'm left with a net profit of 2 days. not so much. And I'm currently dreading doing duty on Monday night.
I believe it is about 112 days to ORD. I really do not wish to go back to camp to see my platoon mates. Some people are okay, some are borderline, some are really not okay. Sometimes, I just look at this world and sigh. You cannot change people nor expect people to behave the way you want them to. To quote, I actually had one guy told me that staying at home whole day playing piano is boring. MY Goodness . That is worthy of being blasphemous. They blast rock music in bunk and they think it's cool. Some people think riding a motorbike is cool, when it's so not. I mean, real classy people ride in say, expensive branded cars. All that stuff with smoking, ahbeng-ish is totally uncool, and unintelligent. I am a classical music elitist because I believe that listen to Mozart does make you few notches higher on the intellectuality scale. Music is not about taste, it is about intelligence. And there is some article on that correlation and I just have to dig it out.
This brings me back to primary school where I "un-friended" a close friend of mine because we shared differing views on which cartoons were "better". I really believed I was right, and right now what I am feeling is just an augmentation of that similar trait I had at childhood.
I'm really tired of this world. and living in it because things don't go the way you always want it to. I avoid people because they never live up to your expectations. They behave in a way which is non coherent with my "main character" perspective of life. The world does not revolve around me? And so I will detach myself from the world because there is no reason to live in a sucky world just like how there is no reason to continue playing a losing game. I just want to win all the time. Is that wrong? is that childish? Is that delusional?
Bitterness. I suffer from plenty of that. People who have even done the slightest wrong thing which had offended me even in a minor way. The things which I wanted but could not have. I even bear bitterness against myself. (which is pretty sad).
Army life does change people a little. Here and there. But it is coming to an end. there are times where I had to suck up my own pride (and thumb) just to avoid a ridiculous argument. or because I have given up on letting people see my point. there are times where I stayed under the radar and kept quiet when my lines were being crossed. but all that was just to survive. Because I had to bear with living with "these other people" for the next who knows how many months to go. It was a tactical decision. But now, it's all coming to an end. I don't really care about who I might offend, because I think right from the very start, those bonds weren't there. Friendship. Bleh, doesn't exist. Because right from the very start we were all coerced into this, we all had no choice. It's like people stranded on an island forced to be nice to each other so as to survive the day. But when rescue comes, and a helicopter with limited spaces flows by. All hells will break loose and people's ugly nature will then emerge to fight for their own selfish cause of getting out of the island. You need not to be a genius to realize this. But I have lost hope in friendship or people.
People can get along only when they assume there's mutual respect. (which in my opinion, may not really exist just like we assume)
I'm tired. With all that emotional drama within me. The ghosts of the past, the enemy right in front of me, and the lurking uncertainty of the future all faces me in a three pronged attack. I just come home sometimes trying not to paddle and waddle in cynical goo which had caught me since day one. I try to stand up straight and do things right. This is where and when I go up to the piano and try to practice to set things right. Life does have to have a meaning. And because I have given up on people, the meaning I find have to be greater to compensate for what I have loss.
I'm exhausted. Really tired of all this. Maybe i'm delusional. Maybe I am just my own victim of my mind's hunting. I need to regain my sanity.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sunshine. Again
I thought the last time I was going to sit on the back on a jeep on a bumpy adventure was at Thailand. I was wrong. I did a pretty good replication just a few hours ago. The hot humid sun, blazing upon us on our shelter-less jeeps and the "aircon" in our helmets do nothing but warm us further. And it rained too! oh my. I'm becoming too comfortable slacking in bunk everyday that a little 3 hour outfield was going to kill me.
Granted. Booking out after outfields feel great.(compared to lazing around in bunk the entire day. the relativity sinks in) Wearing the LBV is now like a big chore. I don't know. I have been too pampered. Tomorrow we'll be going outfield again and then again and again for every single day. Luckily, mornings are free and easy. If not I'll prefer to stay in Seletar.
I should stop whining because even if I go outfield, I do nothing there. I don't even wear my LBV. I just leave them lying on the jeep. And I do nothing but sit there and enjoy the breeze. then maybe walk into the training shed and laze around a little. Pretty slack. but outfield is still no good.
A good 17 more weeks to ORD! Wednesday is a public holiday! YAY!
I'm in a good mood tonight.
Granted. Booking out after outfields feel great.(compared to lazing around in bunk the entire day. the relativity sinks in) Wearing the LBV is now like a big chore. I don't know. I have been too pampered. Tomorrow we'll be going outfield again and then again and again for every single day. Luckily, mornings are free and easy. If not I'll prefer to stay in Seletar.
I should stop whining because even if I go outfield, I do nothing there. I don't even wear my LBV. I just leave them lying on the jeep. And I do nothing but sit there and enjoy the breeze. then maybe walk into the training shed and laze around a little. Pretty slack. but outfield is still no good.
A good 17 more weeks to ORD! Wednesday is a public holiday! YAY!
I'm in a good mood tonight.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
the inner me
I realize I am severely narcissistic. I have a lot against this world because this world does not value me as much as I value myself. I ought to be the best, and deserve the best. I live life as if I'm the only main character. Maybe that is why I have so many disputes and unhappiness with other people. I am selfish, I cannot stand losing, so what? With such a personality, I can never be happy. Because my happiness is so lofty, and impossible to attain. I can only be cynical, and whine and whine and whine. And make myself and the people around me unhappy. Because my feet ain't on the ground. I'm a human being, but it's like I want to fly, I want to have everything I want. And life doesn't always meet my expectations.
Maybe that is why I stay away from people. I have almost zero friends. good friends I mean. I don't really want to talk to people because they all have their own thoughts. What is wrong with trying to control people's thoughts and believes. I cannot stand it when someone disagrees with me. I always believe I right, even when I clearly know that I am wrong.
Sometimes, I wonder if it will evolve into something more serious.
People always label me. Arrogant, selfish, conceited, overconfident, self centered. To sum it up FOLKS, the word is narcissistic!
Maybe that is why I stay away from people. I have almost zero friends. good friends I mean. I don't really want to talk to people because they all have their own thoughts. What is wrong with trying to control people's thoughts and believes. I cannot stand it when someone disagrees with me. I always believe I right, even when I clearly know that I am wrong.
Sometimes, I wonder if it will evolve into something more serious.
People always label me. Arrogant, selfish, conceited, overconfident, self centered. To sum it up FOLKS, the word is narcissistic!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Fighting Spirit, Need some
Everything is not clear. I need the details. You play the rough outline but it's not clear. Not clear, not clear not clear! I hear this so many times on a Saturday morning. And that is enough to fail you, says my teacher. I am demoralized.
Because there is evidently something wrong with my playing. Something which can "either take very long or short", in other words, have no idea how long it'll take.
Where was the bold me who went into the exam hall totally unprepared for test and feeling confidently that he will figure something out on the spot...where is my "unjustified" confidence that took me through school years. now I turn around at every challenging point and too afraid of failure. Grown up? Perhaps. Maturity teaches us not to rush blindly at our opponents but it makes us cowards.
TY. you'll work something out. maybe it's not that you aren't talented but there is something wrong with the way your practicing. Remember, SLOW, and steady. FIRST. C'mon, you can do it. Show some fighting spirit!
Because there is evidently something wrong with my playing. Something which can "either take very long or short", in other words, have no idea how long it'll take.
Where was the bold me who went into the exam hall totally unprepared for test and feeling confidently that he will figure something out on the spot...where is my "unjustified" confidence that took me through school years. now I turn around at every challenging point and too afraid of failure. Grown up? Perhaps. Maturity teaches us not to rush blindly at our opponents but it makes us cowards.
TY. you'll work something out. maybe it's not that you aren't talented but there is something wrong with the way your practicing. Remember, SLOW, and steady. FIRST. C'mon, you can do it. Show some fighting spirit!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Not a nights out
Don't worry I'm not going to narrate each and every day and every single minute detail of my life in ETI. I did close to nothing today. Again. Gym-ed, slept, read my music theory book, watched criminal minds on my Itouch? Tomorrow I'll finally have work to do. Not exactly a good thing. 6 man carrier boat doesn't sound fun and I haven't used an OBM before. What the heck.
People are starting to become aware of my stay out status, plus the fact that I book in each morning just to wait till 5 and book out. I wonder if the course instructors are expecting a high standard from us "auxiliary" instructors, thus the majorly overdosed welfare (stay out plus stay in bunk whole day what more can I ask?). I hope I don't get screwed too badly when I reveal (hopefully in the most discrete manner) that I forgot NUTS about everything.
123 days to ORD! It's a nice number, but nicer when it drops further. I can't wait to cease living in a "communal environment" where selfishness and self centeredness cannot exist. Every action you make you have to consider because you're always being observed and watched by platoon mates. You cannot do as you wish, in other words. There is nothing wrong with a little selfishness. But I really do not like waking up learning to deal with all sorts of people and their temperament. Nothing in particular has happened. But when good things happen to you, people watch you with green eyes. When bad things happen, either they tell you to suck it up, OR they give you "fake sympathy". Yes, people empathize. It's like " I know you signed extra, I know how it feels. I know and I care, are very different matters altogether".
Ultimately, it's what matters to oneself that one will care about. For example, the book out file went "MIA" just when i was about to book out and I had my dad waiting at the camp gates for me and I was pressed for time. I attempted to find it at where it ought to become, and the people who ought to have kept it well did bother to find, but they were lacking that sense of urgency. they just left it in the lecture room! It's true. they're stay IN, I'm stay OUT. that is the line between what is worth going the extra mile for. In army it's not so easy to get into a locked room because some "unnecessary" paper work and drawing of keys from another 100 meter away room is required. It was just a nonchalant "you go there, draw that key, open that room and take the file and come back bunk and sign". Sounds easy, because everyone is just changing down to admin attire at starting to rot into their beds.
Compare and contrast. If the file were to go missing on a friday, imagine the chaos. Everyone will be frantically searching for that damn file. It's true. Only when something matters to a person will they put in effort. No human being will go an extra mile for just another fellow platoon mate. They will not even care. And that is how the book out file landed itself LOCKED in the lecture room in the first place.
I'm not pissed. Because if I was in the same shoes as them, I would have done the same thing. Sit back, chill and relax. And take up the 'who ask you be a stay out personnel" attitude and with folded arms I wouldn't care shit. This is just sucky human nature.
To be honest, there are a few who can take hardship and not complain but there are fewer who can watch others enjoy a good fortune without a pinch of jealousy. While the others go for lessons, they peep into my room and find me just lying their feeling so bored on my bed. I have slept beyond my fatigue levels again and again.
There is still 10 weeks left of next year whereby it is effectively a drought of public holidays minus CNY. December is holiday month, while November is staying out phase for me. It's a matter of (I think) 18 weeks. There are countless people whom I find annoying, I want to quickly finish this crap up. NS does have it's up points. but dealing with people is tiring.
People are starting to become aware of my stay out status, plus the fact that I book in each morning just to wait till 5 and book out. I wonder if the course instructors are expecting a high standard from us "auxiliary" instructors, thus the majorly overdosed welfare (stay out plus stay in bunk whole day what more can I ask?). I hope I don't get screwed too badly when I reveal (hopefully in the most discrete manner) that I forgot NUTS about everything.
123 days to ORD! It's a nice number, but nicer when it drops further. I can't wait to cease living in a "communal environment" where selfishness and self centeredness cannot exist. Every action you make you have to consider because you're always being observed and watched by platoon mates. You cannot do as you wish, in other words. There is nothing wrong with a little selfishness. But I really do not like waking up learning to deal with all sorts of people and their temperament. Nothing in particular has happened. But when good things happen to you, people watch you with green eyes. When bad things happen, either they tell you to suck it up, OR they give you "fake sympathy". Yes, people empathize. It's like " I know you signed extra, I know how it feels. I know and I care, are very different matters altogether".
Ultimately, it's what matters to oneself that one will care about. For example, the book out file went "MIA" just when i was about to book out and I had my dad waiting at the camp gates for me and I was pressed for time. I attempted to find it at where it ought to become, and the people who ought to have kept it well did bother to find, but they were lacking that sense of urgency. they just left it in the lecture room! It's true. they're stay IN, I'm stay OUT. that is the line between what is worth going the extra mile for. In army it's not so easy to get into a locked room because some "unnecessary" paper work and drawing of keys from another 100 meter away room is required. It was just a nonchalant "you go there, draw that key, open that room and take the file and come back bunk and sign". Sounds easy, because everyone is just changing down to admin attire at starting to rot into their beds.
Compare and contrast. If the file were to go missing on a friday, imagine the chaos. Everyone will be frantically searching for that damn file. It's true. Only when something matters to a person will they put in effort. No human being will go an extra mile for just another fellow platoon mate. They will not even care. And that is how the book out file landed itself LOCKED in the lecture room in the first place.
I'm not pissed. Because if I was in the same shoes as them, I would have done the same thing. Sit back, chill and relax. And take up the 'who ask you be a stay out personnel" attitude and with folded arms I wouldn't care shit. This is just sucky human nature.
To be honest, there are a few who can take hardship and not complain but there are fewer who can watch others enjoy a good fortune without a pinch of jealousy. While the others go for lessons, they peep into my room and find me just lying their feeling so bored on my bed. I have slept beyond my fatigue levels again and again.
There is still 10 weeks left of next year whereby it is effectively a drought of public holidays minus CNY. December is holiday month, while November is staying out phase for me. It's a matter of (I think) 18 weeks. There are countless people whom I find annoying, I want to quickly finish this crap up. NS does have it's up points. but dealing with people is tiring.
Monday, November 8, 2010
A more urban freedom
This morning I walked into a pitch dark Nee Soon Camp. Everything seemed so gloomy. First day as "Auxiliary Instructors". Sounds as if it was a menacing task ahead, but if you really read into what I did for the entire day, it's pretty cool life. The urban life style of Nee Soon camp and a few feet from my bunk doorstep takes you to a very urban view of other equally high buildings and a tennis court. Thus, the name 'nee soon condominium" I gave it. Canteens are everywhere, and bunks have lifts!
Book in timing was ridiculously early. 0630 at the cookhouse because they indented breakfast for us! Argh, screw SAF rules! Kenneth choose not to stay out. Can't help it, I have a 15 minute away "teleportation" from home and not everyone does I woke up at 0530, feeling all achy from sleep deprivation aches. cold winds in the morning, and the early morning drizzle makes things gloomy but I managed to get changed into PT attire and consume the horribly cooked bee hoon served at the cook house. Eating meals provided by SAF is just like entertaining them. a formality. it's like, if you visit a person's home and he cooks for you out of courtesy you'll eat it even if it tastes horrible. Not to mention the various minor implications of having fussy taste buds and vehemently and persistently rejecting SAF good could be a magic number called 1206 which forces you to pay for something you DID NOT eat.
But still. Stay out is enticing. Because for us combat personnel, we're frankly quite sick of staying in. And this is a good opportunity for some fresh air! Not to mention, my sergeants and understudies HAVE to stay IN because it's their course!
And so I slept in. Had a choice of whether to go for orientation run, but no. Sleeping in bunk was better. I wanted to run but my butt cheeks still ached from badminton with clement. So three of us, we slept in. Woke up occasionally to change the music or stop the music. then woke up abruptly suddenly and began reading books. it was just random rotting on our bed (which still does not have a bed sheet!) one large bunk! three people. And the furniture in the bunk looks as if it's imported from Ikea! The showers at nee soon are legendary! Because the pressure makes you feel as if you don't want to get out of that damn cubicle! seriously. I think my bathing time increased by threefold just because of the shower!
So we rotted under our stomachs growled and decided to walk abit around to find food. there is no such thing as branch under SAF so we had to hunt for a place with food and it's called, the "canteen". We walked about 1km around and found some large canteen which resembles a typical school canteen. YUM! Breakfast! suddenly it seems as if we have so much freedom!. without telling anyone, we just could sneak away as we like, walk to anywhere anyhow, as we like. And do anything as we please. I saw lots of higher ranking people walking around, but since I was in PT attire (and by then it was 10am+ in the morning),I assume there was no need for any formal greetings. We just walked around as if we owned the camp.
Pre lunch time. I sat on my bed playing Sudoku on my Ipod. And reading books, listening to music. It was so relaxing that I kept dozing off and falling asleep! Post lunch was even better. We drew the gym key and went for a work out! And at 1615 we were back in bunk changing and ready to book out!
What a day. Relaxing. Urban Freedom. Legendary Showers. Nothing to do. And coming home to have a warm dinner and play the piano! Cool life. I want to stay there forever!
On a side note, it may be because today's the first day. Subsequently, I'll have jobs and roles to play. And I may even have to go SBO on and chiong the exercise with them. But still, I'm an "instructor" so maybe this status does make me slightly more invulnerable to SAI KANG. Still, I personally know that I know nothing about this course right now. it's been 13 months since I was at Nee soon was a trainee. How am I supposed to even remember anything!.
I only remember the showers were great! And my (hanged) underwear dropped down 6 floors cause of a random idiotic gigantic wind.
Book in timing was ridiculously early. 0630 at the cookhouse because they indented breakfast for us! Argh, screw SAF rules! Kenneth choose not to stay out. Can't help it, I have a 15 minute away "teleportation" from home and not everyone does I woke up at 0530, feeling all achy from sleep deprivation aches. cold winds in the morning, and the early morning drizzle makes things gloomy but I managed to get changed into PT attire and consume the horribly cooked bee hoon served at the cook house. Eating meals provided by SAF is just like entertaining them. a formality. it's like, if you visit a person's home and he cooks for you out of courtesy you'll eat it even if it tastes horrible. Not to mention the various minor implications of having fussy taste buds and vehemently and persistently rejecting SAF good could be a magic number called 1206 which forces you to pay for something you DID NOT eat.
But still. Stay out is enticing. Because for us combat personnel, we're frankly quite sick of staying in. And this is a good opportunity for some fresh air! Not to mention, my sergeants and understudies HAVE to stay IN because it's their course!
And so I slept in. Had a choice of whether to go for orientation run, but no. Sleeping in bunk was better. I wanted to run but my butt cheeks still ached from badminton with clement. So three of us, we slept in. Woke up occasionally to change the music or stop the music. then woke up abruptly suddenly and began reading books. it was just random rotting on our bed (which still does not have a bed sheet!) one large bunk! three people. And the furniture in the bunk looks as if it's imported from Ikea! The showers at nee soon are legendary! Because the pressure makes you feel as if you don't want to get out of that damn cubicle! seriously. I think my bathing time increased by threefold just because of the shower!
So we rotted under our stomachs growled and decided to walk abit around to find food. there is no such thing as branch under SAF so we had to hunt for a place with food and it's called, the "canteen". We walked about 1km around and found some large canteen which resembles a typical school canteen. YUM! Breakfast! suddenly it seems as if we have so much freedom!. without telling anyone, we just could sneak away as we like, walk to anywhere anyhow, as we like. And do anything as we please. I saw lots of higher ranking people walking around, but since I was in PT attire (and by then it was 10am+ in the morning),I assume there was no need for any formal greetings. We just walked around as if we owned the camp.
Pre lunch time. I sat on my bed playing Sudoku on my Ipod. And reading books, listening to music. It was so relaxing that I kept dozing off and falling asleep! Post lunch was even better. We drew the gym key and went for a work out! And at 1615 we were back in bunk changing and ready to book out!
What a day. Relaxing. Urban Freedom. Legendary Showers. Nothing to do. And coming home to have a warm dinner and play the piano! Cool life. I want to stay there forever!
On a side note, it may be because today's the first day. Subsequently, I'll have jobs and roles to play. And I may even have to go SBO on and chiong the exercise with them. But still, I'm an "instructor" so maybe this status does make me slightly more invulnerable to SAI KANG. Still, I personally know that I know nothing about this course right now. it's been 13 months since I was at Nee soon was a trainee. How am I supposed to even remember anything!.
I only remember the showers were great! And my (hanged) underwear dropped down 6 floors cause of a random idiotic gigantic wind.
Friday, November 5, 2010
The weekend was here, but it's here again
Friday night used to be a very happy occasion. Now it's just uhm, normal. You know, the usual. Nothing much to be happy about anyway.
Yesterday was cohesion day with the platoon at Novena. Had Tim sum buffet. Sounds yummy, but in fact eating "theme and variations on tim sum" was kinda a bad idea because it was the same old thing over and over again. There weren't much choices and there were a surfeit of excess food left lying around. it looked bad on us, but somehow it was much better than being coerced to play some penalty game to have losers gorge themselves upon food and fill their already so full stomach.
I did not join the rest. I wanted to just go home and chill it out. Recently I've been playing Dota. So I'm on that Dota-Piano cycle. Repeatedly. Dota helps me chill off sometimes and I can't be practicing piano for the entire day. My mind needs to absorb information and digest whatever I'm memorizing/grinding. I'm changing my Debussy (which I am not very inclined to) to a slightly harder, more virtuosic and melodious "the lark" by Balakirev. Which means I still have rep-plowing to do. Sigh. Tomorrow I'll have my lesson whereby I hope my Etincelles does not fail me.
I don't really feel lonely anymore now that I have a very visible and realistic meaning in life right in front of me. yes, exams does help. fear of exams does better, but not very nice isn't it. I shouldn't worry about that. fear and anxiety will take effect when the time comes. After Ord will be University life and being an engineering undergraduate puts me in a class of males again. (it's a stereotype but well). there are rumors of PRC-fest in engineering courses and everyone's a mugger. that is surely scary. they say university is the best time of a person's life. Well, we'll wait and see. I have to rely on my CCA to find my future wife. (or maybe just a girlfriend during university). Somehow, mathematically or physics inclined girls are somewhat, scary. I'd prefer the artsy kind, preferably musically. But i don't want a girl who rips chopin etudes apart and falls asleep while playing liszt's transcendentals as if it's childs play. that is overkill.
As of now, I don't need a girl in my life. I'm contended right now with my goals, inspirations. And whatever I have. I don't see how much time I can put aside to date. (as much as I want to actually)
Maybe I'll join Piano ensemble or badminton recreational. Or both.
Yesterday was cohesion day with the platoon at Novena. Had Tim sum buffet. Sounds yummy, but in fact eating "theme and variations on tim sum" was kinda a bad idea because it was the same old thing over and over again. There weren't much choices and there were a surfeit of excess food left lying around. it looked bad on us, but somehow it was much better than being coerced to play some penalty game to have losers gorge themselves upon food and fill their already so full stomach.
I did not join the rest. I wanted to just go home and chill it out. Recently I've been playing Dota. So I'm on that Dota-Piano cycle. Repeatedly. Dota helps me chill off sometimes and I can't be practicing piano for the entire day. My mind needs to absorb information and digest whatever I'm memorizing/grinding. I'm changing my Debussy (which I am not very inclined to) to a slightly harder, more virtuosic and melodious "the lark" by Balakirev. Which means I still have rep-plowing to do. Sigh. Tomorrow I'll have my lesson whereby I hope my Etincelles does not fail me.
I don't really feel lonely anymore now that I have a very visible and realistic meaning in life right in front of me. yes, exams does help. fear of exams does better, but not very nice isn't it. I shouldn't worry about that. fear and anxiety will take effect when the time comes. After Ord will be University life and being an engineering undergraduate puts me in a class of males again. (it's a stereotype but well). there are rumors of PRC-fest in engineering courses and everyone's a mugger. that is surely scary. they say university is the best time of a person's life. Well, we'll wait and see. I have to rely on my CCA to find my future wife. (or maybe just a girlfriend during university). Somehow, mathematically or physics inclined girls are somewhat, scary. I'd prefer the artsy kind, preferably musically. But i don't want a girl who rips chopin etudes apart and falls asleep while playing liszt's transcendentals as if it's childs play. that is overkill.
As of now, I don't need a girl in my life. I'm contended right now with my goals, inspirations. And whatever I have. I don't see how much time I can put aside to date. (as much as I want to actually)
Maybe I'll join Piano ensemble or badminton recreational. Or both.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I was there, and I am here again
I have a problem here. I refuse to sleep.
It's Wednesday and my weekend began a couple of hours ago. Platoon cohesion tomorrow at Novena combo-ed with my own half day off and continuously combo-ed again with Deepavali and finally the weekend which makes it a four day weekend. It's somehow funny to think that if I don't turn up for Chinese food with the rest tomorrow I will be an AWOL personel. Amusing.
Life has taken a weird turn here. Heaven or hell, I don't know yet. Basically, I got attached out to NeeSoon camp (ETI which abbreviates for Engineers training institute) for three weeks. And during this duration, I am a stay out personnel. Before you say hooray, the other end of the double edged sword is that I book in BY 0630 hrs, AND I have to be consuming my breakfast by then at the cookhouse which means I have to reach the camp gate around 15 minutes prior to the cut off time. Brutal. But it's still a choice, I have a bunk. In fact, half a bunk is almost mine. 8 beds shared amongst 3 people. It's generous. The luxurious furnishing of ETI indeed makes life much more pleasant! This time round, not as trainees, but as auxiliary instructors.
Instructors. a daunting word. Sound pretty cool. but actually I do not really know how I could help. the senior specialists in charge of this course seem quite optimistic about our help but we were trainees about a year ago, and most of our knowledge have diminished over time. And add on the fact that we do not apply everything we learn there! most of the stuff are USELESS, and redundant. I guess for now we'll just support the course in whatever way we can.
STAY out FTW. it's just three words. My leave/off spree starts on Nov 30 and possibly ends at 27 dec. That is about a month or so! Amazing? That means I'll be quite civilian from now onwards since I'll be staying out for sometime! What a great gift before ORD.
I should really start grinding up levels on piano. Gaining technique is just like growing plants. You need effort to water and time to nurture. I'm trying not to rush into things but I cannot resist playing my pieces at full speed. Ive got to admit, section by section practice can be mind numbing and boring but it is actually the best way to improve and evolve something unstable into a steady, musical performance worthy repertoire. Sometimes, I still doubt my own ability. Each time I flinch at a section, or falter unnecessarily, I picture the examination scene and inside me, I freak out a little. I have to practice more.
Been playing quite a lot Dota. In fact, I went to play LAN (dota) on tuesday's nights out. Had a pretty satisfactory time there. We live our lives sometimes just to waste our time away. Maybe in the meaningless pursuits of life will we find meaningful things relatively meaningful. And with that, somehow. We cannot really be happy with where we are, but we should be happy or make it so that we are happy with our progress in anything we do. Let it be fitness, music, academics or whatever. I realized why running and clocking mileages gave me so much satisfaction. It is not that burning swelling heart warming feeling after a run but more of the progressive improvement that I benefit from, which makes me feel much better after each long run. Progress is the biggest motivation in our lives, and that alone can keep us happy. There need not be a goal that is reachable, but as long as we head towards that direction. Maybe we will feel happy.
It's Wednesday and my weekend began a couple of hours ago. Platoon cohesion tomorrow at Novena combo-ed with my own half day off and continuously combo-ed again with Deepavali and finally the weekend which makes it a four day weekend. It's somehow funny to think that if I don't turn up for Chinese food with the rest tomorrow I will be an AWOL personel. Amusing.
Life has taken a weird turn here. Heaven or hell, I don't know yet. Basically, I got attached out to NeeSoon camp (ETI which abbreviates for Engineers training institute) for three weeks. And during this duration, I am a stay out personnel. Before you say hooray, the other end of the double edged sword is that I book in BY 0630 hrs, AND I have to be consuming my breakfast by then at the cookhouse which means I have to reach the camp gate around 15 minutes prior to the cut off time. Brutal. But it's still a choice, I have a bunk. In fact, half a bunk is almost mine. 8 beds shared amongst 3 people. It's generous. The luxurious furnishing of ETI indeed makes life much more pleasant! This time round, not as trainees, but as auxiliary instructors.
Instructors. a daunting word. Sound pretty cool. but actually I do not really know how I could help. the senior specialists in charge of this course seem quite optimistic about our help but we were trainees about a year ago, and most of our knowledge have diminished over time. And add on the fact that we do not apply everything we learn there! most of the stuff are USELESS, and redundant. I guess for now we'll just support the course in whatever way we can.
STAY out FTW. it's just three words. My leave/off spree starts on Nov 30 and possibly ends at 27 dec. That is about a month or so! Amazing? That means I'll be quite civilian from now onwards since I'll be staying out for sometime! What a great gift before ORD.
I should really start grinding up levels on piano. Gaining technique is just like growing plants. You need effort to water and time to nurture. I'm trying not to rush into things but I cannot resist playing my pieces at full speed. Ive got to admit, section by section practice can be mind numbing and boring but it is actually the best way to improve and evolve something unstable into a steady, musical performance worthy repertoire. Sometimes, I still doubt my own ability. Each time I flinch at a section, or falter unnecessarily, I picture the examination scene and inside me, I freak out a little. I have to practice more.
Been playing quite a lot Dota. In fact, I went to play LAN (dota) on tuesday's nights out. Had a pretty satisfactory time there. We live our lives sometimes just to waste our time away. Maybe in the meaningless pursuits of life will we find meaningful things relatively meaningful. And with that, somehow. We cannot really be happy with where we are, but we should be happy or make it so that we are happy with our progress in anything we do. Let it be fitness, music, academics or whatever. I realized why running and clocking mileages gave me so much satisfaction. It is not that burning swelling heart warming feeling after a run but more of the progressive improvement that I benefit from, which makes me feel much better after each long run. Progress is the biggest motivation in our lives, and that alone can keep us happy. There need not be a goal that is reachable, but as long as we head towards that direction. Maybe we will feel happy.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Fast and steady
The weekend is here and the weekend is ending. Visit to the museum was pretty enriching. The history of Singapore is something that 'they' try to repeatedly instill in us since we were little kids studying social studies in primary school. 'they' represent every form of government, including the SAF, education and it seems so repetitive after awhile. But granted, the national museum was very informative. In addition, they had those personal companion PDA like devices that you carry around, key in a number corresponding to the number labeled on the floor and you get a narration of whats happening around you. I believe there were countless tracks and elaborations and there was simply not enough time to listen to everything. Not that I really want to, but it was just, quite informative at the very least.
After the two hour long stroll in the air conditioned environment, most of us went for lunch followed by LAN gaming after wards which I was sadly "left out" due to the fact I don't play L4D while the rest wanted to play L4D. I don't play 1st person shooter games due to bad experience as well as nausea and vertigo being induced by these games. Sadly, no one wanted to play Dota. How did I feel? When no one wanted to compromise with me. There were people who knew how to play both but they just did not want to. I grew up in an environment that my wants and needs were of utmost priority. I swallowed my pride, and tried not to stomp away. I wasn't pissed. I had no right to, I knew that very well. But I just can't resist muttering "screw this world". I have a "main character complex", which is not exactly a good thing. When the world suddenly ceases to revolve around me, it hurts me quite badly.
But it wasn't exactly a bad thing. Since I was at town, I dropped by Yamaha to get myself theory books for grade 8. And I have been reading it since then until now. And it's good material to bring back to camp to 'study'. (you don't call researching up on something you like study do you?). Decided to go meet my parents at JE afterward and found myself at the library whereby I borrowed another book (BOOKS! damnit) titled "Young Liszt". It's not written in a novel form but more of a factual and biography kind of style, which makes it uninteresting and interesting at the same time. The story of child prodigy Liszt is indeed very captivating!
now I sit here having returned from church. Next week is going to be short because there's cohesion on Thursday. And friday is a public holiday. I haven't exercised much and it sucks.
Anyway, I'm starting to feel strains of sleep deprivation emerging at the front of my consciousness and it's time to sign off once again. And here I have to just say it. 19 more weeks!
After the two hour long stroll in the air conditioned environment, most of us went for lunch followed by LAN gaming after wards which I was sadly "left out" due to the fact I don't play L4D while the rest wanted to play L4D. I don't play 1st person shooter games due to bad experience as well as nausea and vertigo being induced by these games. Sadly, no one wanted to play Dota. How did I feel? When no one wanted to compromise with me. There were people who knew how to play both but they just did not want to. I grew up in an environment that my wants and needs were of utmost priority. I swallowed my pride, and tried not to stomp away. I wasn't pissed. I had no right to, I knew that very well. But I just can't resist muttering "screw this world". I have a "main character complex", which is not exactly a good thing. When the world suddenly ceases to revolve around me, it hurts me quite badly.
But it wasn't exactly a bad thing. Since I was at town, I dropped by Yamaha to get myself theory books for grade 8. And I have been reading it since then until now. And it's good material to bring back to camp to 'study'. (you don't call researching up on something you like study do you?). Decided to go meet my parents at JE afterward and found myself at the library whereby I borrowed another book (BOOKS! damnit) titled "Young Liszt". It's not written in a novel form but more of a factual and biography kind of style, which makes it uninteresting and interesting at the same time. The story of child prodigy Liszt is indeed very captivating!
now I sit here having returned from church. Next week is going to be short because there's cohesion on Thursday. And friday is a public holiday. I haven't exercised much and it sucks.
Anyway, I'm starting to feel strains of sleep deprivation emerging at the front of my consciousness and it's time to sign off once again. And here I have to just say it. 19 more weeks!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Returning from the return
Returned to camp a few days ago. Same old bunk, same old people, same old dynamics. I booked to a whole bunk of people falling asleep. Sometimes, I always wonder if anything drastic has happened.but nope, quite the same.
The days passed swiftly. I've got to say I managed to sleep quite a bit in the morning AND afternoon, which equates to almost the entire 'office hours'. I couldn't sleep well at night because my body had been adapted to the "civilian waking-asleep cycle". Found it extremely hard to fall asleep and as a result, "tortuous nights spent reflecting on everything until there is nothing left, but there is still a blank canvas which you still can't fall asleep to" . I spent from 10pm to 3am lying there stoning. Extremely unnecessary pain! It's quite tormenting, believe me.
But the week was good. I caught up with rest in the day. I tried exercising. But epic fail because my body felt un-recovered, slow and sluggish! Even running 2.4km was a failure because my body heated up too much and my heart started overworking itself. OH damn you HFMD you robbed me of all that fitness I took so much time to build up. I hope "muscles have memory" or they build up faster when you have gotten them before. I went to the gym and it was "so-so" but certainly I felt weaker, but it wasn't as bad as how much my stamina dropped. I choose to believe it's temporary because I am recovering! Gotta run tomorrow to see how. Speed training today wasn't good too. i felt the flu aches when running and my breathing felt awkward and forced.
My sore eye is better now, just that I have weird vision on my left eye when I'm strained on a computer. Somehow, I hope it goes away. and it's quite annoying! if not, time to pay the doctor a visit again. Anyway I forgot my MC at home! In fact, I trusted my Mum to pack everything nicely into one sealed envelope and I did not check it's contents. I had a whole packet of notes, memo and three different MCs all together, certainly it was quite easy to miss out one which was eventually found to be left in the printer! (left there to a failed attempt at photocopying!) Sadly, my dad had to sent it to camp for it to be endorsed! GRR.
Oh yes. I am at home now (it's thursday guys?) because tomorrow is outing to the national museum. Neat. Which effectively means long weekend because tomorrow is just going to feel like "going out with platoon mates" as the "designated time" is just 10-1pm. Nice, and neat.
I'm starting to wonder how many more duties I am going to be doing before ORD. Optimistically? None. Pessimistically, A LOT. because of the possibilities of extra duties, last minute duties, being standby-ed, played-out. a lot of possibilities! A lot people in my platoon are signing extras and I am just standing by watching bullets ooze out of their bellies. It is so unsightly!
But one thing is for sure. There is nothing street smart about going directly against your superiors. and then complaining the shit about how they're being simply anal or picking at you. This is not street smartness. because that will make it just a simple excuse for sheer stupidity.
Sometimes when you're being marked by a superior, have you ever wondered if you asked for it yourself?
Now I think about when you said " I never fight a losing battle ". Nice arrogance. I love you say that when you're serving your extra's.
The days passed swiftly. I've got to say I managed to sleep quite a bit in the morning AND afternoon, which equates to almost the entire 'office hours'. I couldn't sleep well at night because my body had been adapted to the "civilian waking-asleep cycle". Found it extremely hard to fall asleep and as a result, "tortuous nights spent reflecting on everything until there is nothing left, but there is still a blank canvas which you still can't fall asleep to" . I spent from 10pm to 3am lying there stoning. Extremely unnecessary pain! It's quite tormenting, believe me.
But the week was good. I caught up with rest in the day. I tried exercising. But epic fail because my body felt un-recovered, slow and sluggish! Even running 2.4km was a failure because my body heated up too much and my heart started overworking itself. OH damn you HFMD you robbed me of all that fitness I took so much time to build up. I hope "muscles have memory" or they build up faster when you have gotten them before. I went to the gym and it was "so-so" but certainly I felt weaker, but it wasn't as bad as how much my stamina dropped. I choose to believe it's temporary because I am recovering! Gotta run tomorrow to see how. Speed training today wasn't good too. i felt the flu aches when running and my breathing felt awkward and forced.
My sore eye is better now, just that I have weird vision on my left eye when I'm strained on a computer. Somehow, I hope it goes away. and it's quite annoying! if not, time to pay the doctor a visit again. Anyway I forgot my MC at home! In fact, I trusted my Mum to pack everything nicely into one sealed envelope and I did not check it's contents. I had a whole packet of notes, memo and three different MCs all together, certainly it was quite easy to miss out one which was eventually found to be left in the printer! (left there to a failed attempt at photocopying!) Sadly, my dad had to sent it to camp for it to be endorsed! GRR.
Oh yes. I am at home now (it's thursday guys?) because tomorrow is outing to the national museum. Neat. Which effectively means long weekend because tomorrow is just going to feel like "going out with platoon mates" as the "designated time" is just 10-1pm. Nice, and neat.
I'm starting to wonder how many more duties I am going to be doing before ORD. Optimistically? None. Pessimistically, A LOT. because of the possibilities of extra duties, last minute duties, being standby-ed, played-out. a lot of possibilities! A lot people in my platoon are signing extras and I am just standing by watching bullets ooze out of their bellies. It is so unsightly!
But one thing is for sure. There is nothing street smart about going directly against your superiors. and then complaining the shit about how they're being simply anal or picking at you. This is not street smartness. because that will make it just a simple excuse for sheer stupidity.
Sometimes when you're being marked by a superior, have you ever wondered if you asked for it yourself?
Now I think about when you said " I never fight a losing battle ". Nice arrogance. I love you say that when you're serving your extra's.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Respawn in 3 hours
This is my longest MC stretch in my lifetime seriously. And I return to camp in about 3 hours or so. Re-spawning to my blue beloved double decked bed and waking up at 530 in the morning. I really don't feel very happy about it. besides, the whole entire today was spent feeling so blue about returning to camp and NSF lifestyle. Because I don't get to sleep in every single day and sleep whenever i want to. I had a true holiday for about the last 2 weeks or so, minus the disease and it's implications but still, Freedom, is a very much sought after thing, in the lives of servicemen like me.
I like reading my older posts (like say several months back) to make myself feel happier. Because October is better than September and September better than August and so on. I've been including countdown notes at the end of some posts here and there! And it makes me feel so "oh hey, that was then, and now it's only half the time left!". it makes me happy.
To be honest, my eyes aren't fully recovered yet. But extending my MC by one day is quite troublesome. I really should be going back to camp. I am afraid I become an MC addict. Because once you keep extending, you never want to go back. Subconsciously, one would keep finding problems with himself. Like, when there's a small slight hint of a headache, one would be "maybe I can see the doctor to see what he can give me". Or something along those lines. it's unhealthy. its just better to go back, and re-absorb that "Nsf mentality" that makes time pass faster in some ways. It's better to be facing the problem, then running away. Granted, civilian life is wonderful, but I still have to face this last four months and a half!
I haven't exercised in two weeks plus! that is so scary. No runs, no gym, not even statics. True, when I was down with HFMD I ate almost nothing for six or seven days but the next week after that I feel as if I consume food without second thought, and no matter how unhealthy it was-I just HAD to eat them all. Maybe this is why I am feeling all restless and slow, and sluggish. Maybe life in camp will rejuvenate me in a certain special way. And maybe in all that meaninglessness, I find some meaning. (or I'll just swim along with that sludge of meaninglessness and let time pass just like that).
C'mon. Time will fly.
I like reading my older posts (like say several months back) to make myself feel happier. Because October is better than September and September better than August and so on. I've been including countdown notes at the end of some posts here and there! And it makes me feel so "oh hey, that was then, and now it's only half the time left!". it makes me happy.
To be honest, my eyes aren't fully recovered yet. But extending my MC by one day is quite troublesome. I really should be going back to camp. I am afraid I become an MC addict. Because once you keep extending, you never want to go back. Subconsciously, one would keep finding problems with himself. Like, when there's a small slight hint of a headache, one would be "maybe I can see the doctor to see what he can give me". Or something along those lines. it's unhealthy. its just better to go back, and re-absorb that "Nsf mentality" that makes time pass faster in some ways. It's better to be facing the problem, then running away. Granted, civilian life is wonderful, but I still have to face this last four months and a half!
I haven't exercised in two weeks plus! that is so scary. No runs, no gym, not even statics. True, when I was down with HFMD I ate almost nothing for six or seven days but the next week after that I feel as if I consume food without second thought, and no matter how unhealthy it was-I just HAD to eat them all. Maybe this is why I am feeling all restless and slow, and sluggish. Maybe life in camp will rejuvenate me in a certain special way. And maybe in all that meaninglessness, I find some meaning. (or I'll just swim along with that sludge of meaninglessness and let time pass just like that).
C'mon. Time will fly.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Isore
Well. My spree continues here because I got one day MC for sore eyes. and I only go back to camp tomorrow night! Beat that! and my eye is still looking quite bad so maybe I'll go to see the doctor again tomorrow. And I was diagnosed not because I went to see the doctor for sore eyes but it was when I was getting cleared for my HFMD the doctor was like "ohhhh how come your eye is so red". and he checked, and, yes, sore eyes!
I believe Sore Eyes is one of the best Mc conditions out there because it doesn't really hinder with your everyday life. It's something quite a pain and it can be quite a bitch but it's super much better than say sore throat or fever. Flu, cough can be quite annoying too, but well, it's not a 100% secure Mc bug right. And I heard I'm skipping RSM parade. (which is big boost to my happiness bar right now)
Yesterday was one hell of a day because I went all the way to the Changi to send my grandparents to China. Following which we popped into a grand piano 'showroom' to test out some grand pianos. My two brothers have no repertoire so I was the only one mainly testing it out with my (admittedly and sadly) half baked repertoire. There were two European brands, Bohemia and Wilhelm tell but I have tried that exact model of Wilhelm tell before at one of my dad's friend's place about a year or two back. Bohemia goes for a whooping 35K price tag and it' only 5'8. While Wilhelm tell's about 6'1 and it's almost 20K cheaper. Quality difference anyone? the price of Bohemia seems quite similar to the Kawai grand which I set my eyes on two years ago. Seems like i have more to research on. I won't be making decisions soon anyway.
But certainly, a grand and an upright is totally world's apart. Today when I returned home I felt really disappointed with the sound of my own Nottingham upright piano. It's just the keys and the tone and the feeling ain't right anymore. I guess this is what you call "spoiled fingers"
Anyway very soon I'll have to go back to what you call "ordinary NSF life". 5 day in camp a week, 2 day weekends. Sigh. A redemption point would be that end of years is coming. the next following week there's a public holiday + platoon cohesion so it's a 3 day week. It's about counting down the weeks already. I believe it's about 20 weeks to ORD (got to count again). It's about 4 months plus more. 4 months ago, where we were? Late June I believe. I can't really remember what was going on then, but it's like from then, to here more to go.
I believe Sore Eyes is one of the best Mc conditions out there because it doesn't really hinder with your everyday life. It's something quite a pain and it can be quite a bitch but it's super much better than say sore throat or fever. Flu, cough can be quite annoying too, but well, it's not a 100% secure Mc bug right. And I heard I'm skipping RSM parade. (which is big boost to my happiness bar right now)
Yesterday was one hell of a day because I went all the way to the Changi to send my grandparents to China. Following which we popped into a grand piano 'showroom' to test out some grand pianos. My two brothers have no repertoire so I was the only one mainly testing it out with my (admittedly and sadly) half baked repertoire. There were two European brands, Bohemia and Wilhelm tell but I have tried that exact model of Wilhelm tell before at one of my dad's friend's place about a year or two back. Bohemia goes for a whooping 35K price tag and it' only 5'8. While Wilhelm tell's about 6'1 and it's almost 20K cheaper. Quality difference anyone? the price of Bohemia seems quite similar to the Kawai grand which I set my eyes on two years ago. Seems like i have more to research on. I won't be making decisions soon anyway.
But certainly, a grand and an upright is totally world's apart. Today when I returned home I felt really disappointed with the sound of my own Nottingham upright piano. It's just the keys and the tone and the feeling ain't right anymore. I guess this is what you call "spoiled fingers"
Anyway very soon I'll have to go back to what you call "ordinary NSF life". 5 day in camp a week, 2 day weekends. Sigh. A redemption point would be that end of years is coming. the next following week there's a public holiday + platoon cohesion so it's a 3 day week. It's about counting down the weeks already. I believe it's about 20 weeks to ORD (got to count again). It's about 4 months plus more. 4 months ago, where we were? Late June I believe. I can't really remember what was going on then, but it's like from then, to here more to go.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Dreams and inspirations
It's always good to have dreams and inspirations.
Today my little brother innocently came up to me with a grade 5 theory question and asked me for the answer. And I looked at it, and I had to say " I think.." and not "it's this or that". I wasn't even sure of the answer. I have grade 5 theory but that was ages ago and I only took 3 days to study for the examination which I eventually scrapped through because music theory at grade 5 is nothing compared to say physics or chemistry at the A'levels.
I have 3 books lying by my bed side right now, 6,7,8 respectively. I am very tempted to plow through them but I believe it's not as easy as it sounds. I know it's probably going to sound very immature but the books ain't really a textbook, but rather some sort of complimentary guide which is kind of useless for someone who is clueless and especially for one who has already very shaky foundations of music theory.
Therefore, I plan to enroll myself in a class to formally take my grade 8 theory. And then eventually (I hope) move on to the trinity diploma for music composition.
ATCL recital examination (probably and likely) next May.
My recital looks like this (as of now)
Scarlatti K491 Sonata
Beethoven Grande Sonata 'Pathetique'
Liszt Liebestraume (no3)
Debussy "La Plus Que Lente" (slower than slow waltz)
Scriabin Prelude Op11-6* MAYBE
Moszkowski "Etincelles"
I haven't timed them, in fact, I haven't decided where and how to use repeats and therefore the timing are all vague but I'm pretty sure this will suffice (in fact, it might exceed)
I'm actually almost done with at least getting my feet wet in most of these pieces. Beethoven's still a tricky one. I dislike the 3rd movement somehow. Etincelles is an exciting piece and very pleasurable to play (and slightly virtuosic as well!) I've got to say I predict problems in Beethoven. Liebestraume has been my most stable because I've been playing it for some time.
I just finished memorizing the entire Etincelles (10 pages btw) in one week, and playing it at full speed already (except some bits). If only I can keep up this pace. Sigh, well, not every week I'll be stuck at home with HFMD.
To come up with this program. I actually completed two other pieces but I tossed it away due to lack of interest (suddenly). Copland's Scherzo "Cat and mouse" as well as Bach's partita no1 (prelude/gigue). I was also the midst of playing Chopin's 3rd ballade.
I don't know why but I hope this "stepping stone" ain't too far apart for me. This is what will make or break me. It's my determining point. I cannot afford to fail. I have too much at stake. and therefore I will practice to my hardest and max ability. I AM SO PSYCHED right now.
Ultimately. I wanna see how far I can go. Those Chopin, Liszt, Rachmaninoff etudes. Gotta play them all!
Also, I've been considering taking some grades for a subject by Abrsm,"practical musicanship" involving improvisation, transposing, aural tests etc etc..which is like my ENTIRE weakness. Or my musical handicap. Well, there's a lot to look forward to. I have a life time to play around with.
It is certainly depressing to start music at a late age. I really envy people who get their FRSM/FTCL when they're already my age and they're not aiming to go professional. they're just playing like Liszt just because they feel like it. Being professional and being a good amateur has a big difference. A pianist will seem more impressive if he is not a pianist by profession. Like for example, let's say an engineer who can play Rachmaninoff, or maybe a literature major who plays chopin for fun. You expect professionals to be good, and when you hear them play, they're SUPPOSED to play the revolutionary etude because it's their rice bowl. Same goes for piano teachers or anyone in that profession.
Right now. it's late. I have my lesson tomorrow. I wonder if it's impressive to have an entire 10 page fast paced piece memorized in one week. (I wonder?) My brothers ( who are taking ATCL and DipAbrsm respectively) would certainly take ages to get such a piece done.
Today my little brother innocently came up to me with a grade 5 theory question and asked me for the answer. And I looked at it, and I had to say " I think.." and not "it's this or that". I wasn't even sure of the answer. I have grade 5 theory but that was ages ago and I only took 3 days to study for the examination which I eventually scrapped through because music theory at grade 5 is nothing compared to say physics or chemistry at the A'levels.
I have 3 books lying by my bed side right now, 6,7,8 respectively. I am very tempted to plow through them but I believe it's not as easy as it sounds. I know it's probably going to sound very immature but the books ain't really a textbook, but rather some sort of complimentary guide which is kind of useless for someone who is clueless and especially for one who has already very shaky foundations of music theory.
Therefore, I plan to enroll myself in a class to formally take my grade 8 theory. And then eventually (I hope) move on to the trinity diploma for music composition.
ATCL recital examination (probably and likely) next May.
My recital looks like this (as of now)
Scarlatti K491 Sonata
Beethoven Grande Sonata 'Pathetique'
Liszt Liebestraume (no3)
Debussy "La Plus Que Lente" (slower than slow waltz)
Scriabin Prelude Op11-6* MAYBE
Moszkowski "Etincelles"
I haven't timed them, in fact, I haven't decided where and how to use repeats and therefore the timing are all vague but I'm pretty sure this will suffice (in fact, it might exceed)
I'm actually almost done with at least getting my feet wet in most of these pieces. Beethoven's still a tricky one. I dislike the 3rd movement somehow. Etincelles is an exciting piece and very pleasurable to play (and slightly virtuosic as well!) I've got to say I predict problems in Beethoven. Liebestraume has been my most stable because I've been playing it for some time.
I just finished memorizing the entire Etincelles (10 pages btw) in one week, and playing it at full speed already (except some bits). If only I can keep up this pace. Sigh, well, not every week I'll be stuck at home with HFMD.
To come up with this program. I actually completed two other pieces but I tossed it away due to lack of interest (suddenly). Copland's Scherzo "Cat and mouse" as well as Bach's partita no1 (prelude/gigue). I was also the midst of playing Chopin's 3rd ballade.
I don't know why but I hope this "stepping stone" ain't too far apart for me. This is what will make or break me. It's my determining point. I cannot afford to fail. I have too much at stake. and therefore I will practice to my hardest and max ability. I AM SO PSYCHED right now.
Ultimately. I wanna see how far I can go. Those Chopin, Liszt, Rachmaninoff etudes. Gotta play them all!
Also, I've been considering taking some grades for a subject by Abrsm,"practical musicanship" involving improvisation, transposing, aural tests etc etc..which is like my ENTIRE weakness. Or my musical handicap. Well, there's a lot to look forward to. I have a life time to play around with.
It is certainly depressing to start music at a late age. I really envy people who get their FRSM/FTCL when they're already my age and they're not aiming to go professional. they're just playing like Liszt just because they feel like it. Being professional and being a good amateur has a big difference. A pianist will seem more impressive if he is not a pianist by profession. Like for example, let's say an engineer who can play Rachmaninoff, or maybe a literature major who plays chopin for fun. You expect professionals to be good, and when you hear them play, they're SUPPOSED to play the revolutionary etude because it's their rice bowl. Same goes for piano teachers or anyone in that profession.
Right now. it's late. I have my lesson tomorrow. I wonder if it's impressive to have an entire 10 page fast paced piece memorized in one week. (I wonder?) My brothers ( who are taking ATCL and DipAbrsm respectively) would certainly take ages to get such a piece done.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
The spree continues
My attend C ends on Thursday but Friday is Company clear off which means I return to camp only next Monday. Wonderful.
I just started a twitter account. I have no friends there. But it's for my more intimate thoughts. (warning:mostly are emo?) I don't know.
I'm going grand piano shopping this weekend! I hope to get a $20K 6'3-6'5 Grand for my living room! Decided not go for Japanese brands like Kawai or Yamaha. My daddy says it's better to go for a European brand (but Made in China) because it's cheaper for bigger sizes and ultimately it's which tone you prefer. I can already picture it in my living room! Can't wait.
I could be practicing more piano but now it's going all stale. I really cannot muster enough motivation to go and practice. this is the "getting sick of your pieces' stage. My program has it's shape up, few pieces to polish and a few to complete. but the shape is there. And there are pieces which I have been playing for about 1 year to date. Now sometimes I wonder if I will bother to put "safe points" at every danger zone of technical insecurity.
This is my battle. To determine if I have what it takes. If I fail, I'll give myself one more chance. But then this is where I see if I have the talent. Whether I can make it or not. And thus, for this, I will practice ultra hard and eliminate every tinge of insecurity in all my pieces. If single memorizing is not enough I will memorize twice. I have decided to play pieces from memory because memorizing is my forte.
Yesterday night I was feeling rather emotional. I questioned many things. My walk in army is coming to an end. I realize I don't really have a clique, or a group of friends. What I have is scattered friends from all over the place. And not to mention, they're not really close. I guess this is what you get for keeping all to yourself all the time. I live by " in solitude, where we are least alone ", I believe largely that to accomplish much, you have to work alone and spare yourself all that socializing time. It's about keeping yourself hidden in your own house, train, prepare, (as if under a waterfall) and come out and own the shit out of everybody. This was my concept all along. But I guess I reap what I sow.
For whom do I play and for what do I sit there for hours stoning at notation and slowly and painstakingly "consummate" with music? It's never easy, it's neither a happy thing to be plowing through new repertoire. Worst, grinding them into your muscle memory is also a tedious process. So why?
My dad always mentions that musicians have to be "thick skinned" and enjoy performing even if it's at the expense of being arrogant and showy. Something along those lines. There is a thin line between arrogance and showmanship. Do I hide in the piano room for a thousand hours just to emerge with a transcendental etude that make the jaws of people drop? Maybe. Maybe not. It's true I get discouraged when people do not acknowledge how much talent it requires to play the piano. There are people who don't give a shit really. But those are the minority, and the initially pissed off me have decided to not give a shit about these people.
So what is this intriguing force?
I'd like to remind myself. I play for nobody. I play for myself. I am my own mercenary and I am responsible for my own motivation. I play for the joy of accomplishing something just like how a little kid feels pure joy after building a sandcastle, irregardless of whether people praise his art or not. I should remind myself of the pure joy in playing these pieces and in the saying "no pain no gain", I remind myself that only through grueling grinding against the walls of notation and technical difficulty will I become stronger mentally. Eventually, I will tackle my goal pieces because those pieces make me shiver in excitement when I hear them, let alone play them someday.
Recognition is important. But, ultimately-I play for myself. For my personal pride. For my own sense of achievement.
I just started a twitter account. I have no friends there. But it's for my more intimate thoughts. (warning:mostly are emo?) I don't know.
I'm going grand piano shopping this weekend! I hope to get a $20K 6'3-6'5 Grand for my living room! Decided not go for Japanese brands like Kawai or Yamaha. My daddy says it's better to go for a European brand (but Made in China) because it's cheaper for bigger sizes and ultimately it's which tone you prefer. I can already picture it in my living room! Can't wait.
I could be practicing more piano but now it's going all stale. I really cannot muster enough motivation to go and practice. this is the "getting sick of your pieces' stage. My program has it's shape up, few pieces to polish and a few to complete. but the shape is there. And there are pieces which I have been playing for about 1 year to date. Now sometimes I wonder if I will bother to put "safe points" at every danger zone of technical insecurity.
This is my battle. To determine if I have what it takes. If I fail, I'll give myself one more chance. But then this is where I see if I have the talent. Whether I can make it or not. And thus, for this, I will practice ultra hard and eliminate every tinge of insecurity in all my pieces. If single memorizing is not enough I will memorize twice. I have decided to play pieces from memory because memorizing is my forte.
Yesterday night I was feeling rather emotional. I questioned many things. My walk in army is coming to an end. I realize I don't really have a clique, or a group of friends. What I have is scattered friends from all over the place. And not to mention, they're not really close. I guess this is what you get for keeping all to yourself all the time. I live by " in solitude, where we are least alone ", I believe largely that to accomplish much, you have to work alone and spare yourself all that socializing time. It's about keeping yourself hidden in your own house, train, prepare, (as if under a waterfall) and come out and own the shit out of everybody. This was my concept all along. But I guess I reap what I sow.
For whom do I play and for what do I sit there for hours stoning at notation and slowly and painstakingly "consummate" with music? It's never easy, it's neither a happy thing to be plowing through new repertoire. Worst, grinding them into your muscle memory is also a tedious process. So why?
My dad always mentions that musicians have to be "thick skinned" and enjoy performing even if it's at the expense of being arrogant and showy. Something along those lines. There is a thin line between arrogance and showmanship. Do I hide in the piano room for a thousand hours just to emerge with a transcendental etude that make the jaws of people drop? Maybe. Maybe not. It's true I get discouraged when people do not acknowledge how much talent it requires to play the piano. There are people who don't give a shit really. But those are the minority, and the initially pissed off me have decided to not give a shit about these people.
So what is this intriguing force?
I'd like to remind myself. I play for nobody. I play for myself. I am my own mercenary and I am responsible for my own motivation. I play for the joy of accomplishing something just like how a little kid feels pure joy after building a sandcastle, irregardless of whether people praise his art or not. I should remind myself of the pure joy in playing these pieces and in the saying "no pain no gain", I remind myself that only through grueling grinding against the walls of notation and technical difficulty will I become stronger mentally. Eventually, I will tackle my goal pieces because those pieces make me shiver in excitement when I hear them, let alone play them someday.
Recognition is important. But, ultimately-I play for myself. For my personal pride. For my own sense of achievement.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
No pain no gain
I have to admit that I am (almost) completely recovered. I am still on Attend C because it's home quarantine and it's effectively like having an entire week off. I began to recover at the later parts of last week. Say Friday, or Saturday? My sore throat took pretty long to completely disappear but it did diminish over time. Slowly, and painfully. I did get those infamous dots on my hands and legs but they weren't really significant and they did not become painful (unlike the doctor predicted). I heard that adults do not get the full manifestation of the disease. After all, it's a kid's disease but it's certainly NO child's play.
I sound like I'm giving a review on a disease but having experienced it I would say it's 5/5 pain stars for the sore throat because it's the longest ever (to date) sore throat I ever had and it was the most excruciating pain in my throat EVER. the ulcers give off a burning sensation that linger 3-4 seconds at the after taste, making food totally impassable. The fever was bad, it went up so high. 40.2 was the highest and it stayed there for about a few hours before dropping to a (much better) range of 39s. (39 is still pretty high!).
The first week I had barely energy to do anything because I wasn't eating much. (or anything!). I probably was sitting at the computer for one minute and then lying down for the next 59 minutes. That was how bad the hunger was, yes, even after a "lost of appetite". Fever induced vertigo and a little vomiting here and there.
But I sit here healthy right now. I've been well since Saturday and it's quite a few more days before I return to camp. I guess "no pain, no gain" holds true.
Been watching quite a lot of stuff to kill the boredom. I'm watching Naruto right now.
And King of Baking, a Korean Drama which is actually pretty much the best drama I have ever watched. The episodes are long, 1 hr each and it's tiring to rampage through too many episodes at once but they just have this magic at the end of the episode that mysteriously and mystically binds one to the next and it's so enticing!
When I return to camp it will be just like this, poof two weeks off my serving time. It's so wonderful. I can imagine November coming and it seems like the End of year mood is here! Christmas anyone? block leaves anyone? Perfect. Still have Taiwan trip to look forward to. While the rest head to Engineer training institute for phase 2 of their course I wonder what we'll be doing? Staying back at Company Line or tagging along?
Just like that. I am heading towards four months before ORD! It seems like yesterday when I just enlisted.
I sound like I'm giving a review on a disease but having experienced it I would say it's 5/5 pain stars for the sore throat because it's the longest ever (to date) sore throat I ever had and it was the most excruciating pain in my throat EVER. the ulcers give off a burning sensation that linger 3-4 seconds at the after taste, making food totally impassable. The fever was bad, it went up so high. 40.2 was the highest and it stayed there for about a few hours before dropping to a (much better) range of 39s. (39 is still pretty high!).
The first week I had barely energy to do anything because I wasn't eating much. (or anything!). I probably was sitting at the computer for one minute and then lying down for the next 59 minutes. That was how bad the hunger was, yes, even after a "lost of appetite". Fever induced vertigo and a little vomiting here and there.
But I sit here healthy right now. I've been well since Saturday and it's quite a few more days before I return to camp. I guess "no pain, no gain" holds true.
Been watching quite a lot of stuff to kill the boredom. I'm watching Naruto right now.
And King of Baking, a Korean Drama which is actually pretty much the best drama I have ever watched. The episodes are long, 1 hr each and it's tiring to rampage through too many episodes at once but they just have this magic at the end of the episode that mysteriously and mystically binds one to the next and it's so enticing!
When I return to camp it will be just like this, poof two weeks off my serving time. It's so wonderful. I can imagine November coming and it seems like the End of year mood is here! Christmas anyone? block leaves anyone? Perfect. Still have Taiwan trip to look forward to. While the rest head to Engineer training institute for phase 2 of their course I wonder what we'll be doing? Staying back at Company Line or tagging along?
Just like that. I am heading towards four months before ORD! It seems like yesterday when I just enlisted.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Day Four
I haven't updated my situation.
I'm not in camp now. My throat is not recovered. Guess what? HFMD. It's not Have Fun Make Donuts but it's actually the infamous Hand-Foot-Mouth disease. Now, people are all saying it's a children disease. YES, adults can catch them too.
So it's been a double edged sword now. One end is piercing my throat while the other end is securing a 10 day MC issued by the clinic. Pretty neat. I only go back to camp on 21st October which is a Thursday night (effectively 22th) and my October is pretty much done. I still can't eat solid food now and it's been 5 days since my sore throat started. the pain from a HFMD sore throat is definitely beyond that of a normal sore throat. According to my doctor there are 15 ulcer thingies up my throat. From my wild guesses, there are still some of them left behind and they are very sore about it. They say hydration is the key but I've been drinking waters not my sips but my tumblers and my throat is still not okay. I just consumed a pandan cake (FINALLY) but without full ease. I still struggle bite by bite. That's how bad it is because it's as if someone place a lighter at my throat.
I've been lying down a lot these days feeling weak from lack of food and proper meals. I've been thinking to myself "why do I seem happier these days". Is it because I wake up every morning hoping I can eat? Or the goal of eating a plate of chicken rice suddenly seems so appealing. Life is quite relaxing now. Because it seems like this 10 day MC makes my effective camp life left very numbered. It's two weeks for goodness sake. And then I still have my leaves and offs. Wonderful?
I'm tired from watching shows.....
I'm not in camp now. My throat is not recovered. Guess what? HFMD. It's not Have Fun Make Donuts but it's actually the infamous Hand-Foot-Mouth disease. Now, people are all saying it's a children disease. YES, adults can catch them too.
So it's been a double edged sword now. One end is piercing my throat while the other end is securing a 10 day MC issued by the clinic. Pretty neat. I only go back to camp on 21st October which is a Thursday night (effectively 22th) and my October is pretty much done. I still can't eat solid food now and it's been 5 days since my sore throat started. the pain from a HFMD sore throat is definitely beyond that of a normal sore throat. According to my doctor there are 15 ulcer thingies up my throat. From my wild guesses, there are still some of them left behind and they are very sore about it. They say hydration is the key but I've been drinking waters not my sips but my tumblers and my throat is still not okay. I just consumed a pandan cake (FINALLY) but without full ease. I still struggle bite by bite. That's how bad it is because it's as if someone place a lighter at my throat.
I've been lying down a lot these days feeling weak from lack of food and proper meals. I've been thinking to myself "why do I seem happier these days". Is it because I wake up every morning hoping I can eat? Or the goal of eating a plate of chicken rice suddenly seems so appealing. Life is quite relaxing now. Because it seems like this 10 day MC makes my effective camp life left very numbered. It's two weeks for goodness sake. And then I still have my leaves and offs. Wonderful?
I'm tired from watching shows.....
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tenacious stupid little bug
My fever is finally down after I've been wrestling with it for like almost 2 days. up and down, up and down. like a roller coaster, finally put the fire out last night where it stayed calm at 37+. The bad part is my throat hurts like mad. Drink water and it's someone light a lighter up your throat and the sensation even reaches to my ears. FML.
I'm going to see a doctor again soon to (hopefully) extend my rest at home. I'm so no booking in with such a painful throat. I can't even eat anything, or drink anything. and I feel weak from having my brain roasted with 40 degree fever over the past 2 days. I need rest! now this is genuine.
But with all the time in bed made me think a lot. at times if i could have a good meal without gulping fragments of pain along with it would make me really really pleased. i realize i have tons of things I wanna do and I can't, which gives me the "damn I'm so gonna do them when I recover". Granted, fitness momentum is definitely down and probably I'll start again this week. YES, I'm afraid already. the last thing i want is a rebound fever. My meaning in life-recover first, think later.
I'm going to see a doctor again soon to (hopefully) extend my rest at home. I'm so no booking in with such a painful throat. I can't even eat anything, or drink anything. and I feel weak from having my brain roasted with 40 degree fever over the past 2 days. I need rest! now this is genuine.
But with all the time in bed made me think a lot. at times if i could have a good meal without gulping fragments of pain along with it would make me really really pleased. i realize i have tons of things I wanna do and I can't, which gives me the "damn I'm so gonna do them when I recover". Granted, fitness momentum is definitely down and probably I'll start again this week. YES, I'm afraid already. the last thing i want is a rebound fever. My meaning in life-recover first, think later.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Heated up
Suffering from an insane fever which got up to 40.2 yesterday. My throat feels as if someone stick a knife there and it's so pain even when swallowing saliva. It was to the point I was eating panadols at 2 hour intervals to somehow bring the fever down not to mention countless cold baths and water parades. I still feel quite uncomfortable right now. but painkillers are doing their job fine and I feel well enough to sit at my com. Not for long, (maybe 45 mins before the vertigo sinks in again)
I was bedridden for more than 24 hours. Unable to sleep comfortably because I even had dreams whereby I had fever in my dream. I dream a lot though, weird dreams, nostalgic dreams, sad dreams, happy dreams. But it changed nothing, I still woke up to an insanely high fever. Even 38+ seems like a good deal to me now.
Thankfully, I got 2 days Attend C which lasts me till tuesday which cuts the week by (almost) half. Pretty neat. my first MC for the year!
I pretty much know already when my fever will go up again because it's been looping in circles for sometime.
I was bedridden for more than 24 hours. Unable to sleep comfortably because I even had dreams whereby I had fever in my dream. I dream a lot though, weird dreams, nostalgic dreams, sad dreams, happy dreams. But it changed nothing, I still woke up to an insanely high fever. Even 38+ seems like a good deal to me now.
Thankfully, I got 2 days Attend C which lasts me till tuesday which cuts the week by (almost) half. Pretty neat. my first MC for the year!
I pretty much know already when my fever will go up again because it's been looping in circles for sometime.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Unfinished
This week was swift. 5 day weeks no longer intimidate me because it's all about perspective and mindset. I didn't even go home on nights out this week.
Basically, our trainees are undergoing GPMG course this week and we're just hanging around observing and some of us teaching them/guiding them. Because it's really weird when some of us don't remember a single shit and some of the drills have been revised/changed and there are now somethings which we did not even know existed. And next week I am tasked to teach some field geometry shit which is like some mathematics crap of measuring stuff. It is daunting indeed. I hope it goes well, OR they remove the job from me.
All of them are going for live firing this Sunday and I am NOT involved. WHOOO
I did duty on Monday. the week felt longer cause of that. According to our fairness system, this is my penultimate duty. (second last). Duties are bad for health because they keep you awake in the middle of the night, you skip PT the next day and therefore, it's bad for the fitness momentum. The night you dismount from duty, you're gonna feel tired and sluggish and lack of sleep is no good for recovery. And more often than not, you end up drinking sweet drinks in between prowls.
Basically it's just 7 weeks left before my Taiwan holiday. And 4 weeks of magician's act in december and followed by maybe 10 weeks next year and we'll see ourselves ORD-ed in no time. We can all finally see the island! and see it's shore, see it's outline, even the coconut trees, and the people playing on the shores. it is all clear! :) :)
Basically, our trainees are undergoing GPMG course this week and we're just hanging around observing and some of us teaching them/guiding them. Because it's really weird when some of us don't remember a single shit and some of the drills have been revised/changed and there are now somethings which we did not even know existed. And next week I am tasked to teach some field geometry shit which is like some mathematics crap of measuring stuff. It is daunting indeed. I hope it goes well, OR they remove the job from me.
All of them are going for live firing this Sunday and I am NOT involved. WHOOO
I did duty on Monday. the week felt longer cause of that. According to our fairness system, this is my penultimate duty. (second last). Duties are bad for health because they keep you awake in the middle of the night, you skip PT the next day and therefore, it's bad for the fitness momentum. The night you dismount from duty, you're gonna feel tired and sluggish and lack of sleep is no good for recovery. And more often than not, you end up drinking sweet drinks in between prowls.
Basically it's just 7 weeks left before my Taiwan holiday. And 4 weeks of magician's act in december and followed by maybe 10 weeks next year and we'll see ourselves ORD-ed in no time. We can all finally see the island! and see it's shore, see it's outline, even the coconut trees, and the people playing on the shores. it is all clear! :) :)
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Be calm
Nights out today.
430pm nights out. Pretty nice because we went for a swim and early fall out from there. It feels like Ive been in home for quite some time and it's only 7pm!
I feel cynical today. Maybe it's the fatigue. Tired. A little pissed, for no actual reason.
Been sometime since I had a good run. there's 5km run tomorrow. Been running lots of short runs, sprint runs, combat runs, sluggish 6km runs but no 10+ for the whole week. Sometimes, I wonder whats worth it and whats not. I can safely and confidently say I exercise way a lot more than my other platoon mates and in camp, we eat the same food, have the same routine but our bodies react differently to exercise. While some guy can sport a decently defined abs while mine is one whole lump of shit. And guess what, when you put me down to doing ab exercises I can do them with ease. Damn those baby fat, and fats that won't go away. (yes, I run a lot on weekends too) why won't those go away. I'm on excuse sweet drinks for now.
Life is unfair, really.
I played badminton yesterday. And I happen to start playing with my left hand and I am so hooked because I could win people with my left hand and it rocks. I don't know why but it's just a very cool feeling.
I don't know, but sometimes. there are so much to do. so much meaning in life. and the next, there is almost close to none. maybe its not the amount of motivation but it is the present morale within ourselves. I think it is all psychological because the state of things do not change much. everything is in the mind damnit. I feel so sluggish now.
It's October soon. And weekend is one day away. ORD is coming closer.
430pm nights out. Pretty nice because we went for a swim and early fall out from there. It feels like Ive been in home for quite some time and it's only 7pm!
I feel cynical today. Maybe it's the fatigue. Tired. A little pissed, for no actual reason.
Been sometime since I had a good run. there's 5km run tomorrow. Been running lots of short runs, sprint runs, combat runs, sluggish 6km runs but no 10+ for the whole week. Sometimes, I wonder whats worth it and whats not. I can safely and confidently say I exercise way a lot more than my other platoon mates and in camp, we eat the same food, have the same routine but our bodies react differently to exercise. While some guy can sport a decently defined abs while mine is one whole lump of shit. And guess what, when you put me down to doing ab exercises I can do them with ease. Damn those baby fat, and fats that won't go away. (yes, I run a lot on weekends too) why won't those go away. I'm on excuse sweet drinks for now.
Life is unfair, really.
I played badminton yesterday. And I happen to start playing with my left hand and I am so hooked because I could win people with my left hand and it rocks. I don't know why but it's just a very cool feeling.
I don't know, but sometimes. there are so much to do. so much meaning in life. and the next, there is almost close to none. maybe its not the amount of motivation but it is the present morale within ourselves. I think it is all psychological because the state of things do not change much. everything is in the mind damnit. I feel so sluggish now.
It's October soon. And weekend is one day away. ORD is coming closer.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Not so fast
Returning to Seletar was a well, odd experience. 6 floors, and my almost full set of barang barang had to go all the way up. imagine how much gravity I must overcome. it's so sad because life seems presently the SAME. nothing has changed even after coming back from a major exercise. I don't know why, but suddenly March 2010 seems far again.
Sep 2010 is coming to an end. YAY (2 more days!) and then October and November are going to be (I predict) busy months. There is no promised "sleep in bunk until 10am" kind of treatment, nor the exemption from basic stuff like 5bx or breakfast. but breakfast is good, nevermind that is NOT my point here.
Anyway. I came home just to practice my Etincelles. Because I know if I don't touch this fast piece I will not be able to play a single of it when Saturday comes. And exams ain't that far. maybe about 3/4 a year away and my rep is not entirely done.
I have live firing like, on a Sunday next next weekend. How suck thumb is that. *one check one*.
It's not exactly MY live firing considering I've fired that GPMG before already. It's my understudy's course's live firing and either 1) have to help out 2) have to fire again. Either way, it's going to not only burn those barrels but burn my weekend. Baskets
But granted. These days are less busy. I spent like 2 hours easily sleeping in office and another 2 hours feeling bloated from excess sleep. Sleeping at night is hard due to the weird shift from civilian to military sleeping times (yes it differs from sleeping at 3am at home!). It's basically PT week. Everyday, doing PT. yes. we had strength training, combat runs. and new SOC is going to be released next month. I'm excited and I hope I can pass.
Now it's project GOLDEN boy. I'm going to work on my IPPT gold. but wait, I just jumped 207cm on SBJ today, thats not even a pass and my 2.4 is at 10'07. I have a long way to go. Just this 2 months. And I want to burst everything I've got. While the others are slacking off into ORD mood I want to do something about my remaining time. Silver ain't enough anymore.
Things are going to change. but now, 1 week makes a big percentage difference to the countdown. It's 24 weeks (including this week) left! Every week is a almost a good 4% from this point onwards.
Camp life is relaxing. but it's more rushed than Thailand. Days in Thailand was actually not bad after all!
But the gym is now only opened on mondays and thursdays. this sucks. Looks like I have to play badminton tomorrow.
Sep 2010 is coming to an end. YAY (2 more days!) and then October and November are going to be (I predict) busy months. There is no promised "sleep in bunk until 10am" kind of treatment, nor the exemption from basic stuff like 5bx or breakfast. but breakfast is good, nevermind that is NOT my point here.
Anyway. I came home just to practice my Etincelles. Because I know if I don't touch this fast piece I will not be able to play a single of it when Saturday comes. And exams ain't that far. maybe about 3/4 a year away and my rep is not entirely done.
I have live firing like, on a Sunday next next weekend. How suck thumb is that. *one check one*.
It's not exactly MY live firing considering I've fired that GPMG before already. It's my understudy's course's live firing and either 1) have to help out 2) have to fire again. Either way, it's going to not only burn those barrels but burn my weekend. Baskets
But granted. These days are less busy. I spent like 2 hours easily sleeping in office and another 2 hours feeling bloated from excess sleep. Sleeping at night is hard due to the weird shift from civilian to military sleeping times (yes it differs from sleeping at 3am at home!). It's basically PT week. Everyday, doing PT. yes. we had strength training, combat runs. and new SOC is going to be released next month. I'm excited and I hope I can pass.
Now it's project GOLDEN boy. I'm going to work on my IPPT gold. but wait, I just jumped 207cm on SBJ today, thats not even a pass and my 2.4 is at 10'07. I have a long way to go. Just this 2 months. And I want to burst everything I've got. While the others are slacking off into ORD mood I want to do something about my remaining time. Silver ain't enough anymore.
Things are going to change. but now, 1 week makes a big percentage difference to the countdown. It's 24 weeks (including this week) left! Every week is a almost a good 4% from this point onwards.
Camp life is relaxing. but it's more rushed than Thailand. Days in Thailand was actually not bad after all!
But the gym is now only opened on mondays and thursdays. this sucks. Looks like I have to play badminton tomorrow.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Last day
My off spree ends here. And I will formally begin the last finale season of my NS life tomorrow.
I've been resting a lot at home. I haven't run in like FOUR days. OMGOSH. Finally Etincelles is here and I need to practice harder now on weekends because it's no longer going to be a whole week at home. Gotta say I really had fun. (Have to remind you guys my type of fun is a little different).
I don't know what to expect what I go back. I don't even feel like wheeling my duffel bag back to camp and up six floors. Gone are the ridiculous showering facilities, gone are the blazing hot sun. now we return to good ol'seletar. it ain't a totally good thing especially when your bunk is like 6 floors up and then, there's no more legendary canteen or buying shirts every meal time. it was cool really, sai yok camp.
Ive been watching drama. Korean drama entitled King of baking. Now it may seem like a real lame show but it's perfectly awesome. I got pretty annoyed because the host website is sometimes laggy, sometimes the vid-audio is out of synch and sometimes the video doesn't stream at all in the middle of an intense episode. thats how I spent all my time at home huh.
When my brothers finish their end of year exams it's time to go grand piano shopping! And end of year festive season is around the corner. its that time of the year.
I hope when I return to camp there's still runs on tuesdays and fridays. if not i will have to run myself in the evening :(
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I don't know why
Friday Night
I'm sulking at my computer because I'm having trouble finding the next episode for the drama I'm watching. Oh damn. FML.
I slept this afternoon. I have no mood to do anything. And this sucks.
I feel so terribly emotional today.
I'm sulking at my computer because I'm having trouble finding the next episode for the drama I'm watching. Oh damn. FML.
I slept this afternoon. I have no mood to do anything. And this sucks.
I feel so terribly emotional today.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Fruitful or fruitless ain't about apples
Nightstalker in action here.
I happened to be walking along the corridor of the 3rd level of my house and I found my LBV hanging by the railings. It's probably being left to dry after a good wash. I had ordered my maid to get EVERYTHING washed from my duffel bag. But it certainly has felt as if I have ord-ed. Well, fat hope. You'll going back to camp in like 5 days time TY. It's nice to have a little of that ORD-breeze in your face. It's so refreshing.
Like you have seen from my previous post. I really had a restless afternoon today. But evening night was fun to the max! I ran 16.8km again! and filling in my mileage (no longer book but excel spreadsheet) felt so good. I mean, that priceless few buttons on the keyboard that took you like 1 hour plus sweating it out, just to put that down. I mean, it's like it means a lot.
I'm still struggling with 16+ km, I've got to admit. It was tiring. I cannot say 16km is nothing. Well 8km is really untiring, while 12 may be a little err not so nice on a hot and nasty day but 16km is still taxing on my body. But i want to be able to run about 20km as my base ground for any long run next time. I don't even know why do I run. 42km seems like a reachable goal for now and serves as a good motivation. Long runs are nice, really nice and the numbness in your legs when you stop moving. Some people can run for 84km, or even clock under 4 hours for 42km. I just want to find out if I can too. Fitness gained, itself is another good reward.
I think I'll probably need a rest day tomorrow. Maybe I'll do a 4.2km sprint or something.
Let's stop making a fitness journal here shall we. It was partially fruitful because 1) I practiced a lot of piano. woo! I even recorded my exam piece "Liebestraum" by Franz Liszt. I've got to say it's actually the nicest and most beautiful out of my (projected) 32 minutes of playing. Debussy is showing shape! yay. I still haven't really come to terms with Debussy's harmony and the overall sound of his pieces. Sounds so crystal-ish tingly-ish and weirdish. But it can be nice. haunting at times.
You can ask me why Im not going out or giving my social life some shit attention. Hey, I'm doing what I like and I'm happy. True. I played a few games of Dota OR stare at my computer screen for like a few hours but so what. My day was productive. It's better than walking around in malls doing nothing for the whole day looking at things you want to buy so that you can look nice the next time u decide to go pointless and walking around again. OMG, i just shot like many people. time to take cover.
I happened to be walking along the corridor of the 3rd level of my house and I found my LBV hanging by the railings. It's probably being left to dry after a good wash. I had ordered my maid to get EVERYTHING washed from my duffel bag. But it certainly has felt as if I have ord-ed. Well, fat hope. You'll going back to camp in like 5 days time TY. It's nice to have a little of that ORD-breeze in your face. It's so refreshing.
Like you have seen from my previous post. I really had a restless afternoon today. But evening night was fun to the max! I ran 16.8km again! and filling in my mileage (no longer book but excel spreadsheet) felt so good. I mean, that priceless few buttons on the keyboard that took you like 1 hour plus sweating it out, just to put that down. I mean, it's like it means a lot.
I'm still struggling with 16+ km, I've got to admit. It was tiring. I cannot say 16km is nothing. Well 8km is really untiring, while 12 may be a little err not so nice on a hot and nasty day but 16km is still taxing on my body. But i want to be able to run about 20km as my base ground for any long run next time. I don't even know why do I run. 42km seems like a reachable goal for now and serves as a good motivation. Long runs are nice, really nice and the numbness in your legs when you stop moving. Some people can run for 84km, or even clock under 4 hours for 42km. I just want to find out if I can too. Fitness gained, itself is another good reward.
I think I'll probably need a rest day tomorrow. Maybe I'll do a 4.2km sprint or something.
Let's stop making a fitness journal here shall we. It was partially fruitful because 1) I practiced a lot of piano. woo! I even recorded my exam piece "Liebestraum" by Franz Liszt. I've got to say it's actually the nicest and most beautiful out of my (projected) 32 minutes of playing. Debussy is showing shape! yay. I still haven't really come to terms with Debussy's harmony and the overall sound of his pieces. Sounds so crystal-ish tingly-ish and weirdish. But it can be nice. haunting at times.
You can ask me why Im not going out or giving my social life some shit attention. Hey, I'm doing what I like and I'm happy. True. I played a few games of Dota OR stare at my computer screen for like a few hours but so what. My day was productive. It's better than walking around in malls doing nothing for the whole day looking at things you want to buy so that you can look nice the next time u decide to go pointless and walking around again. OMG, i just shot like many people. time to take cover.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Lazy afternoon
I don't feel like doing anything. I've been up and down all day on the piano. Com-piano-com-piano. Cycle repeats. I didn't run yesterday which breaks my chain of 4 days running spree. I guess i just need the break after 17km run on Sunday. I'm ready to run another maybe 10+km today. Just a little later.
Thursday and Friday are declared off too! So I have like one more week (almost) to play around with. I won't be going out much except to gym or running. Perhaps maybe dinner with my parents at most. And maybe badminton with Clement. that's about it. I cannot even find any reason to leave my house.
I recorded Liebestraume today and I'm happy with it.
Thursday and Friday are declared off too! So I have like one more week (almost) to play around with. I won't be going out much except to gym or running. Perhaps maybe dinner with my parents at most. And maybe badminton with Clement. that's about it. I cannot even find any reason to leave my house.
I recorded Liebestraume today and I'm happy with it.
Monday, September 20, 2010
The current shape of things
I have nothing complete in my repertoire right now. Lots of fragments here and there.
My exam's recital looks like this::
Scarlatti Sonata K491 D
Beethoven Grande Sonata Pathetique
Liszt Liebestraum No3
Debussy La plus que lente
Moszkowski Étincelles
Some current meddle-for-fun
Chopin's Fantasie Impromptu
La Campanella Liszt (reviving it)
My exam's recital looks like this::
Scarlatti Sonata K491 D
Beethoven Grande Sonata Pathetique
Liszt Liebestraum No3
Debussy La plus que lente
Moszkowski Étincelles
Some current meddle-for-fun
Chopin's Fantasie Impromptu
La Campanella Liszt (reviving it)
I can't sleep and it ain't my fault
Blame all those midnight trainings at Thailand. My sleeping cycle is now officially screwed. this reminds me of good old school holidays! I have 3 more days of Off and back to camp! But going back to camp now it's probably like going to school when your exams are over. The word we're looking for starts with R and end with g.
Been watching Singapore's talent show-"OMG" on the net. I was initially impressed by some of the performances but seriously, I have this weird curiosity on why do so many people play the piano and sing. Piano may be a versatile accompaniment but it ain't just an accompaniment!! it's a solo instrument. and so far I haven't seen any classical pianist on the show. But besides that, I was impressed until I went you tubing to find Britain's got talent at like such a higher level than our locals. And that was the turning point when I was OMG, omg sucks compared to internationally. But still, sufficiently entertaining.
Been picking up my running schedule. I ran almost 17km today (16.8km) to be exact. I am pretty happy with my progress considering I didn't exercise much while in Thailand. To be frank, I ain't sure of why I'm running but losing those extra tummy fats and getting fitter seems like a good enough reason. Today was the first time I took my trusty little Itouch on the mission and it returned home all glued up and sticky (from sweat, mind you!). Listening to music DOES help, I just realized that. Mental strength is of utmost importance and music does enhance it somewhat. Plans? I plan to alternate short runs and long runs on a daily basis. I'll probably up my game to 20s soon enough. What do I run for? I wonder. Night runs under the moonlight and the haunting deserted canal route, soft winds, my own panting, and music right up my ears. I think this is the perfect way to spend a night. The aftermath-fatigue, soreness and also the feeling that you've leveled up is what makes it all worth it.
I actually downloaded Google Earth to calculate the distance I ran. My fixed one loop is around 4.2km. It covers many things. Schools, Shopping malls, Canals, Mosque (??), Sports complex and many bus stops, up hills and down hills.
I'm starting to get hungrier and hungrier with less and less things to do. but it's strange I don't get more sleepy as the clock ticks. It's still high time for me. I really pretty much prefer to be asleep now.
About 6 more months or less to ORD. I've already got a shirt that prints ORD from a shop in Thailand. (for 4 bucks, awesome?). Going to course as 'instructors' for close to 2 months, then clear leave during Christmas season (December) and then Magic OFF all the way from there onwards. Three magic letters, 6 more months.
Anyway I'm probably going to Taiwan for holiday this year. Hope my leave clears!
Been watching Singapore's talent show-"OMG" on the net. I was initially impressed by some of the performances but seriously, I have this weird curiosity on why do so many people play the piano and sing. Piano may be a versatile accompaniment but it ain't just an accompaniment!! it's a solo instrument. and so far I haven't seen any classical pianist on the show. But besides that, I was impressed until I went you tubing to find Britain's got talent at like such a higher level than our locals. And that was the turning point when I was OMG, omg sucks compared to internationally. But still, sufficiently entertaining.
Been picking up my running schedule. I ran almost 17km today (16.8km) to be exact. I am pretty happy with my progress considering I didn't exercise much while in Thailand. To be frank, I ain't sure of why I'm running but losing those extra tummy fats and getting fitter seems like a good enough reason. Today was the first time I took my trusty little Itouch on the mission and it returned home all glued up and sticky (from sweat, mind you!). Listening to music DOES help, I just realized that. Mental strength is of utmost importance and music does enhance it somewhat. Plans? I plan to alternate short runs and long runs on a daily basis. I'll probably up my game to 20s soon enough. What do I run for? I wonder. Night runs under the moonlight and the haunting deserted canal route, soft winds, my own panting, and music right up my ears. I think this is the perfect way to spend a night. The aftermath-fatigue, soreness and also the feeling that you've leveled up is what makes it all worth it.
I actually downloaded Google Earth to calculate the distance I ran. My fixed one loop is around 4.2km. It covers many things. Schools, Shopping malls, Canals, Mosque (??), Sports complex and many bus stops, up hills and down hills.
I'm starting to get hungrier and hungrier with less and less things to do. but it's strange I don't get more sleepy as the clock ticks. It's still high time for me. I really pretty much prefer to be asleep now.
About 6 more months or less to ORD. I've already got a shirt that prints ORD from a shop in Thailand. (for 4 bucks, awesome?). Going to course as 'instructors' for close to 2 months, then clear leave during Christmas season (December) and then Magic OFF all the way from there onwards. Three magic letters, 6 more months.
Anyway I'm probably going to Taiwan for holiday this year. Hope my leave clears!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
the same airport
I walked through the same airport, the same custom and checking out the same way back to my good ol' home Singapore. I had an exhausting 16 days, but still. I remember the last time I just did that.
Last year. Korea trip. You made life difficult for me. We had to quarrel via overseas SMS, it was heart aching and retarded for both me and my family. Now I'm glad. because I don't know why but I felt so free. leaving Singapore or coming back, there was no burden on me. thanks. because now i know you leaving me was the best thing that ever happened to me. I never have to care about your weird moodswings and stuff anymore. being single is cool. now i understand. i don't feel the need and urge to find opposite gender company anymore. because when i think carefully, those months weren't exactly happy either.
Airport. thanks for making me realize. because when it's the same setting and same environment, comparisons can be drawn. now i just need to focus on the things i need to achieve.
Last year. Korea trip. You made life difficult for me. We had to quarrel via overseas SMS, it was heart aching and retarded for both me and my family. Now I'm glad. because I don't know why but I felt so free. leaving Singapore or coming back, there was no burden on me. thanks. because now i know you leaving me was the best thing that ever happened to me. I never have to care about your weird moodswings and stuff anymore. being single is cool. now i understand. i don't feel the need and urge to find opposite gender company anymore. because when i think carefully, those months weren't exactly happy either.
Airport. thanks for making me realize. because when it's the same setting and same environment, comparisons can be drawn. now i just need to focus on the things i need to achieve.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
the magical milestone
We all used this phase quite often "after claymore. Claymore is not just simple 16 days out at Thailand. It is our major army milestone in our two years of national service. To me. it cuts 1.5 years from the remaining 6 months (or LESS!). And everything that I wanted to do before this legendary claymore was disrupted just because it was much easier to chuck everything aside and label it "after claymore to dos".
Today, I return to Changi with my duffel bag, assault bag and thousand of mosquito bites and a bad tan standing (quite languidly) but proud that the major thingy in my two years is now over and done with!
I plan to write a comprehensive and detailed journal of the excruciatingly painfully long 16 days there that seemed to perpetual. So no details here! but all I have to say is that. ORD lo!
Today, I return to Changi with my duffel bag, assault bag and thousand of mosquito bites and a bad tan standing (quite languidly) but proud that the major thingy in my two years is now over and done with!
I plan to write a comprehensive and detailed journal of the excruciatingly painfully long 16 days there that seemed to perpetual. So no details here! but all I have to say is that. ORD lo!
Monday, August 30, 2010
today is fly day
Flying off FINALLY tonight, midnight!
Gonna be an exciting, tiring, annoying, full of fun (i hope) 16 days up in thailand! I guess after this trip, I will never complain my annual family vacation is tiring. because there is never a tour trip with digging shell scrape as part of the itinerary! I heard we'll be driving a lot because the land is big, i better brace myself! it's already so hot in singapore! i can't imagine how much of an oven will thailand be.
Gonna be an exciting, tiring, annoying, full of fun (i hope) 16 days up in thailand! I guess after this trip, I will never complain my annual family vacation is tiring. because there is never a tour trip with digging shell scrape as part of the itinerary! I heard we'll be driving a lot because the land is big, i better brace myself! it's already so hot in singapore! i can't imagine how much of an oven will thailand be.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Just a little morning blues
Woke up with a classic sleep deprivation headache.
Threw my phone like 10 meters away. Anger management issues :(
Pissed off with nothing. Perhaps the uncertainty from flying overseas soon. and reoccurring issues. Damn, hate it.
I go overseas every year, but this one is surely going to be different.
So many things to do when I return. this exercise sets apart my NSF status and NSF-Soon-to-ORD status. I am going to fly up high in that ORD mood when I get back .
things to do (post claymore)
1) Start learning Cello
2) Polish up my Diploma pieces. And finish the last bits of what I have yet to (THIS IS DAMN IMPORTANT!)
3) Get Iphone 4
4) Get a driving instructor, enroll for a test date and get my license as if it's like going to a shopping mall and buying a cup of bubble tea.
5) Fix my router (or get a new one)
Last but not least.
It's about heading towards the end of a 2 year journey full of crap and nonsense but I am relived that I still find time and on my own initiative and passion listen to classical music. my love for the piano is still the same, unwavering and now I am pretty sure, that this is my way of life and I am going to die with rachmanioff's third and second under my belt.
Threw my phone like 10 meters away. Anger management issues :(
Pissed off with nothing. Perhaps the uncertainty from flying overseas soon. and reoccurring issues. Damn, hate it.
I go overseas every year, but this one is surely going to be different.
So many things to do when I return. this exercise sets apart my NSF status and NSF-Soon-to-ORD status. I am going to fly up high in that ORD mood when I get back .
things to do (post claymore)
1) Start learning Cello
2) Polish up my Diploma pieces. And finish the last bits of what I have yet to (THIS IS DAMN IMPORTANT!)
3) Get Iphone 4
4) Get a driving instructor, enroll for a test date and get my license as if it's like going to a shopping mall and buying a cup of bubble tea.
5) Fix my router (or get a new one)
Last but not least.
It's about heading towards the end of a 2 year journey full of crap and nonsense but I am relived that I still find time and on my own initiative and passion listen to classical music. my love for the piano is still the same, unwavering and now I am pretty sure, that this is my way of life and I am going to die with rachmanioff's third and second under my belt.
Friday, August 27, 2010
maybe it's just better this way
maybe. I'm just the fool. six whole months, still cannot forget you completely. I'm still desperately calling you time to time hoping you'll pick up. but each time, I am left feeling like a damn fool. Because I am still left wondering, what really happened?
I still remember that hot warm afternoon Saturday where I tossed around in my bed secretly crying under my blanket. You know what, you were the warmest ever. we did fight, we did quarrel, but i was sure, I was so sure of my feelings. And you totally took everything away.
I feel like a loser, a fool. Because I don't think anyone can make me feel so secure, yet betray me so badly at the end. I was so sure that you needed me, but apparently. nope, you just walked away. I know I did mean things. I was devastated, and perhaps fuming mad. Because this is what it feels like to be betrayed, to be left, out of the blue. It was not as if I can see it coming, it was so abrupt. Everything was going well (or at least I think), everything was picking up and when you said, "lets break up".
And then each time a thousand thoughts pierce my mind. I don't believe you now. I did, but now the more I talk sense into myself. You probably had something in your mind. Whether it was decreasing feelings or maybe you just wanted that freedom of choice again, you probably just dropped me an excuse. you were even too afraid to tell me straight in the face. I know, because your actions told me. You told me, you love me when we broke up. And until now, I don't believe you.
I don't know how I got by everyday for 2010. Feb, March, April, May, June, July, August. But all I know is that I get by day by day. Cruel it is definitely because breaking up in army is very painful. With all that hurt in me, I still have no choice but to wake up at 530am and get ready to do 5BX, I still have to do weekend prowls and handle and deal with people everyday almost 24/7. I cannot even show a sign of weakness. But it's true, it's much better. it was like a bitter medicine, biting the bullet because it did heal much faster. I really thank my army pals because they unknowingly cheered me up. Because even scrubbing the toilet bowl made me forget my pain.
Till now, maybe this is the crux of my alone problem. I feel so alone. I feel so desperate NOT because I am a horny prick or I am so emotionally in-need. I feel so lonely, perhaps, because all this while I was trying to fill the void you have left in me. Because sometimes I walk the lonely path out of the gate on a friday evening with a whole weekend ahead of me and I don't feel happy. When I have too many Offs at one go sometimes I wished i have someone to spent the off with me. Sometimes, it didn't matter who. but i know, inevitably I think, if you were still by my side.
So many months have gone by. I already forgot what you smell like, or even look like. I forget so many details, but I still remember the pain. I don';t love you anymore nor do I want to, neither do I want to completely forget you. It's a love-hate thing still. I have almost moved on. it's just the random haunting that sets me totally depressed. and usually something else in life triggers it.
I don't know. it's a pretty tough portion of my life right now. Maybe life will turn out to be better soon enough. that keeps me going. I'm trying to do things, but things aren't going right. I try to play Dota, and epic fail. I embarrass myself. I try to play badminton, and I get slaughtered. the things which I spent hours and hours doing last time, I could hardly justify that right now. Piano is not going very well either. Sometimes, maybe i should stop being so hard on myself and live life as it is.
I haven't really been purely happy recently. Next time is finally summary exercise. Ex.claymore in Thailand. Because this was the subject of conversation between me and her when we dated. how were we going to survive the (then projected) 1 month. right now it's just two weeks. I'm here right now, standing right here and I don't have to go dig a shellscrape on foreign ground worrying about anybody back at home. I feel that that is indeed a blessing. Because I feel free, and that will cause time to past much quicker.
Maybe it's just better this way. Maybe I will find someone else. I will, eventually.
I still remember that hot warm afternoon Saturday where I tossed around in my bed secretly crying under my blanket. You know what, you were the warmest ever. we did fight, we did quarrel, but i was sure, I was so sure of my feelings. And you totally took everything away.
I feel like a loser, a fool. Because I don't think anyone can make me feel so secure, yet betray me so badly at the end. I was so sure that you needed me, but apparently. nope, you just walked away. I know I did mean things. I was devastated, and perhaps fuming mad. Because this is what it feels like to be betrayed, to be left, out of the blue. It was not as if I can see it coming, it was so abrupt. Everything was going well (or at least I think), everything was picking up and when you said, "lets break up".
And then each time a thousand thoughts pierce my mind. I don't believe you now. I did, but now the more I talk sense into myself. You probably had something in your mind. Whether it was decreasing feelings or maybe you just wanted that freedom of choice again, you probably just dropped me an excuse. you were even too afraid to tell me straight in the face. I know, because your actions told me. You told me, you love me when we broke up. And until now, I don't believe you.
I don't know how I got by everyday for 2010. Feb, March, April, May, June, July, August. But all I know is that I get by day by day. Cruel it is definitely because breaking up in army is very painful. With all that hurt in me, I still have no choice but to wake up at 530am and get ready to do 5BX, I still have to do weekend prowls and handle and deal with people everyday almost 24/7. I cannot even show a sign of weakness. But it's true, it's much better. it was like a bitter medicine, biting the bullet because it did heal much faster. I really thank my army pals because they unknowingly cheered me up. Because even scrubbing the toilet bowl made me forget my pain.
Till now, maybe this is the crux of my alone problem. I feel so alone. I feel so desperate NOT because I am a horny prick or I am so emotionally in-need. I feel so lonely, perhaps, because all this while I was trying to fill the void you have left in me. Because sometimes I walk the lonely path out of the gate on a friday evening with a whole weekend ahead of me and I don't feel happy. When I have too many Offs at one go sometimes I wished i have someone to spent the off with me. Sometimes, it didn't matter who. but i know, inevitably I think, if you were still by my side.
So many months have gone by. I already forgot what you smell like, or even look like. I forget so many details, but I still remember the pain. I don';t love you anymore nor do I want to, neither do I want to completely forget you. It's a love-hate thing still. I have almost moved on. it's just the random haunting that sets me totally depressed. and usually something else in life triggers it.
I don't know. it's a pretty tough portion of my life right now. Maybe life will turn out to be better soon enough. that keeps me going. I'm trying to do things, but things aren't going right. I try to play Dota, and epic fail. I embarrass myself. I try to play badminton, and I get slaughtered. the things which I spent hours and hours doing last time, I could hardly justify that right now. Piano is not going very well either. Sometimes, maybe i should stop being so hard on myself and live life as it is.
I haven't really been purely happy recently. Next time is finally summary exercise. Ex.claymore in Thailand. Because this was the subject of conversation between me and her when we dated. how were we going to survive the (then projected) 1 month. right now it's just two weeks. I'm here right now, standing right here and I don't have to go dig a shellscrape on foreign ground worrying about anybody back at home. I feel that that is indeed a blessing. Because I feel free, and that will cause time to past much quicker.
Maybe it's just better this way. Maybe I will find someone else. I will, eventually.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
all cuddled up
it's just any other Wednesday afternoon. everything is fine, I hope.
Have you ever looked at your life and felt so under leveled, achieving so much less than what you should be. true. i shall be honest with myself. i am super lonely to the point of desperateness. army friends makes things much better and booking into camp makes me just want to get by and get it over and done with. tough stuff like route march and crappy exercises make my life easier, ironically and paradoxically and counter intuitively because it's like fight fire with fire kind of analogy. I'd rather deal with physical pain than feeling vexed over something so insignificant and non existent. speaking of loneliness. sometimes, i sit on a bus alone and wonder about the empty months spent taking this same bus without someone's head over my shoulder. I start to feel this distinct emptiness. it's not I hate being single. what do single army dudes do anyway. dota their weekends? go clubbing, rest, exercise, hit the gym? that's the standard operations procedures for weekends for people like me. i'm not saying it's bad, and I am having quite the time of my life now (hey, weekends are so stress free!). but what's with this loneliness. By desperate I don't mean by standards are dropping, or I can just randomly pick anyone on the street. it's like wanting that opposite gender company, that bond, and knowing that someone is there with you. and yes, of course, maybe the romance and the need to be loved and to release some of the pent up love in yourself. maybe that's what it's all about. i'm tired of being single. but the right person hasn't come along and i'm tired of waiting.
I realize one's experiences in life define a person. it's hard to trust again once you've been hurt. I know that pretty well. I'm terribly paranoid and cynical at this point of life right now. I tend to go for the kill, then I change my mind because I am afraid of being shot down and dying in the process. I am no longer risk taking, nor adventurous. I am a person who swirls his own mind into circles and circles to the point of misery because of an insensitive comment that people make. My pride is too high and I cannot afford for it to drop. because dropping pride is just equal to being sliced with a knife, or worst.
True. I'm certainly not ready for a serious relationship right now. whether it is financially or emotionally because I am immature. I hurt myself pretty bad unnecessarily. Even if people do not charge at me, I will stab myself first before anything happens. And people's comments can suddenly become a 5.56 round aimed at my head, causing severe emotional bleeding. I am impatient and easily get flustered and my thoughts and actions suddenly will deviate from who I am supposed to be. I am rash and unpredictable, and I quite hate myself for that.
I was all cuddled up into bed and I realized my conclusion was I haven't grown up much.
Have you ever looked at your life and felt so under leveled, achieving so much less than what you should be. true. i shall be honest with myself. i am super lonely to the point of desperateness. army friends makes things much better and booking into camp makes me just want to get by and get it over and done with. tough stuff like route march and crappy exercises make my life easier, ironically and paradoxically and counter intuitively because it's like fight fire with fire kind of analogy. I'd rather deal with physical pain than feeling vexed over something so insignificant and non existent. speaking of loneliness. sometimes, i sit on a bus alone and wonder about the empty months spent taking this same bus without someone's head over my shoulder. I start to feel this distinct emptiness. it's not I hate being single. what do single army dudes do anyway. dota their weekends? go clubbing, rest, exercise, hit the gym? that's the standard operations procedures for weekends for people like me. i'm not saying it's bad, and I am having quite the time of my life now (hey, weekends are so stress free!). but what's with this loneliness. By desperate I don't mean by standards are dropping, or I can just randomly pick anyone on the street. it's like wanting that opposite gender company, that bond, and knowing that someone is there with you. and yes, of course, maybe the romance and the need to be loved and to release some of the pent up love in yourself. maybe that's what it's all about. i'm tired of being single. but the right person hasn't come along and i'm tired of waiting.
I realize one's experiences in life define a person. it's hard to trust again once you've been hurt. I know that pretty well. I'm terribly paranoid and cynical at this point of life right now. I tend to go for the kill, then I change my mind because I am afraid of being shot down and dying in the process. I am no longer risk taking, nor adventurous. I am a person who swirls his own mind into circles and circles to the point of misery because of an insensitive comment that people make. My pride is too high and I cannot afford for it to drop. because dropping pride is just equal to being sliced with a knife, or worst.
True. I'm certainly not ready for a serious relationship right now. whether it is financially or emotionally because I am immature. I hurt myself pretty bad unnecessarily. Even if people do not charge at me, I will stab myself first before anything happens. And people's comments can suddenly become a 5.56 round aimed at my head, causing severe emotional bleeding. I am impatient and easily get flustered and my thoughts and actions suddenly will deviate from who I am supposed to be. I am rash and unpredictable, and I quite hate myself for that.
I was all cuddled up into bed and I realized my conclusion was I haven't grown up much.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
the deadly sun
standing on the parade square with perspiration trickling every square inch of your body is so not fun. i could feel sweat dripping down my legs, zig zagging across my face, and stinking up every part of my body in the oh makes it so much better no 4. parade week. rehearsals after rehearsals. it's for a change of command parade next monday. it is so not nice. because it is so stinky, uncomfortable and of course, bad for your back and legs. (remember, rifles are slung to us all the time) we can walk for hours, true. but standing for hours is just, pure madness.
tomorrow is rehearsal again. it is so terribly traumatic. i hate it, to be honest. I hate wearing beret and i have to be lucky if i don't get a beret line. my arm has the smart 4 tan line now. i am quite lobster red, ( i was actually ). and I hope i don't have to do a parade ever in my life again. gosh. the trauma.
i am fatigued because i stared into the computer 4 hours straight after returning home from nights out. i'm tired. watched a new show called true blood in camp, it's a vampire show. but it's pretty interesting and tons of sex scenes, which gives some bonus points to any show. the week was fast, but it was never easy. it was torture!
tomorrow is finally friday. TGIF. this weekend I'm so going to watch Liar game and I heard Aftershock is a good, mature show. I really want to watch them. movies for the win. booking out makes me feel like watching movies because it gives me a reason to go out. I haven't been going out much.
I gymed twice this week. i wanted to today but early nights out was tempting. I fell for it and went home instead. my running is so gone case now. and i hate myself. i think i only clocked 4.5km this month. so far. i'm doomed. been sometime since we had battalion life and runs. sucks. running momentum gone. :(
Monday, August 9, 2010
Public holidays FTW
Happy National Day!
Plans for today? Sit here until NDP. too late to do anything already because I just woke up. Had no plans initially. I'll probably catch NDP, and then followed by the oh so routine book in after that. I am so not looking forward to the week ahead. Man, tomorrow was supposed to be Off and wednesday too. :( :( :( and now I will be SBO clad and doing drills on the parade square on possibly scorching hot afternoons. NOOOOOOO.
the last weekend was quite unfruitful. I slept the whole saturday away post dismounting from friday night's duty. we had to prowl with bravo guys (new birds). and possibly our old bird ways possibly scared them a little because we called our sergeant by his name and it was so casual and I even stayed in the guard office to talk cock. At battalion HQ i was tasked to give something to someone while on prowl and I just went into one of the S-es without knocking ( It's not a big fuss) and my dear fellow prowler was very stunned. Omg, how come you never knock door one. man, life as a recruit sucks eh. I'm glad i'm at least old bird mode and going to ord in 7 months!
Wasted Saturday. Sunday I made attempts at reviving my old 10/4. but it still sounds the same (hoping for some improvement but no)
it's monday now. I'm rotting here. just woke up. so bored. nothing to do.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Summarized
I don't know what to say.
Sick now. What a weird time of the day to be up 4:10am. Nicely done.
Been sick up and down the whole week. Managed to evade route march. Did friday sentry duty which was last minute changed to prowler. resulted in me sleeping the whole saturday away after I booked out. I did not even wake up and go back to sleep (unless I forgot that I did, or I was too semi conscious to even remember). I woke up at an amazing 1 am. and now I am unable to sleep and I am having a semi flu now.
My OFF on tuesday and wednesday cancelled because some arrows flew to us again about another change of command parade. Rehearsals, (MANY OF THEM) in SBO again. Sucks. I hate it. and not only did they foil my plans, they are preventing me from clearing off. I know i'm not really going to ORD yet, but apparently it contradicts the SOP and order from OC to clear off because we have too many off in our record.
Bravo recruits came in. 6 of them. And now our platoon have 2 set of men with 2 different sets of privileges and cultures. them, being trainees have to still smart 4 book in/book out. march from point to point. and we just walk around and own time own target canteen breaks from mon-fri. it's cool, but I want them to start doing guard duty soon. Finally, the new men are here. and we're the next in line to ORD. the sergeants who took us for majority of our time and during our course just ORDed last week. we're next in line man! ORD! ORD ORD!
One week of August have passed. August seems like a fast-game month. Very soon, Claymore=GG.
I have a random infatuation on a semi stranger. someone I know, yet whom I don't know. it's so weird. because it's been many many years since i had that "omg the girl of my dreams" kind of feeling. it sucks. but I feel young again.
Movies I want to watch this Month. PCK, Air bender, and finally..LIAR game. omg, I've been waiting for it for so long already.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
it's suddenly so quiet
i feel so crapped up now. i had this terrible flu over the past week. booked in Sunday night with a terrible cold and sore throat. and me being quite garang decided not to get an MC. I feel so proud of myself. So I spammed the usual panadol and guess what, it got worst on Monday.
Tuesday I sort of recovered but I went to the medical center and returned with no status because the MO was a skeptic who thinks everyone has nothing to do and want to report sick for a simple 12km route march. I was there for valid reasons! just that my flu got much better, after like 10 hours of sleep on monday and panadol. but still, I wasn't really set for route march. the 2nd time I report sick and it was quite a bad experience. being accused, when you're innocently sick. sucks.
We probably did nothing much the past 2 days. but I find myself struggling to enjoy my nights out. just when my flu is recovering, i hit the gym last night and had a fierce interval training this morning whereby we had to do 400m sprints (standard 2.4km training?) and now I feel very sick. there is goo up my throat from like my lungs? I have problems breathing without pain. the pain in my throat is so evident. and im frenzy coughing. sucks.
But still, I have the adhere to the rule that says. no reporting sick on nights out. I have to suck thumb. go back to camp and 'enjoy' the observance parade for national day. And guess what? I have my first friday duty tomorrow which eats into my saturday morning. how nice =) at least no forced to clear half day off tomorrow like the rest of the peeps.
It's so sick. end of the week, but i don't feel like. it's the end. because of my freaking damn duty tomorrow. aw. life sucks.
i was reading the blog me and her had last time. i read only the post i sent her. she asked me to sent it to her when we broke up. (for keeping purpose?) I didn't dare to read it in the past because i was afraid it would stir shit in me. but no, i read and i felt fine. i was like. omg i was such a sweet boyfriend. the things i wrote made my hair stand. I really did love her and I mean it. but now it's too late. i guess. it's time to move on. it's 6 months being single. i don't miss her, i don't love her. I can read it and feel nothing. perfect. time does wonders.
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