maybe it's just better this way

maybe. I'm just the fool. six whole months, still cannot forget you completely. I'm still desperately calling you time to time hoping you'll pick up. but each time, I am left feeling like a damn fool. Because I am still left wondering, what really happened?

I still remember that hot warm afternoon Saturday where I tossed around in my bed secretly crying under my blanket. You know what, you were the warmest ever. we did fight, we did quarrel, but i was sure, I was so sure of my feelings. And you totally took everything away.

I feel like a loser, a fool. Because I don't think anyone can make me feel so secure, yet betray me so badly at the end. I was so sure that you needed me, but apparently. nope, you just walked away. I know I did mean things. I was devastated, and perhaps fuming mad. Because this is what it feels like to be betrayed, to be left, out of the blue. It was not as if I can see it coming, it was so abrupt. Everything was going well (or at least I think), everything was picking up and when you said, "lets break up".

And then each time a thousand thoughts pierce my mind. I don't believe you now. I did, but now the more I talk sense into myself. You probably had something in your mind. Whether it was decreasing feelings or maybe you just wanted that freedom of choice again, you probably just dropped me an excuse. you were even too afraid to tell me straight in the face. I know, because your actions told me. You told me, you love me when we broke up. And until now, I don't believe you.

I don't know how I got by everyday for 2010. Feb, March, April, May, June, July, August. But all I know is that I get by day by day. Cruel it is definitely because breaking up in army is very painful. With all that hurt in me, I still have no choice but to wake up at 530am and get ready to do 5BX, I still have to do weekend prowls and handle and deal with people everyday almost 24/7. I cannot even show a sign of weakness. But it's true, it's much better. it was like a bitter medicine, biting the bullet because it did heal much faster. I really thank my army pals because they unknowingly cheered me up. Because even scrubbing the toilet bowl made me forget my pain.

Till now, maybe this is the crux of my alone problem. I feel so alone. I feel so desperate NOT because I am a horny prick or I am so emotionally in-need. I feel so lonely, perhaps, because all this while I was trying to fill the void you have left in me. Because sometimes I walk the lonely path out of the gate on a friday evening with a whole weekend ahead of me and I don't feel happy. When I have too many Offs at one go sometimes I wished i have someone to spent the off with me. Sometimes, it didn't matter who. but i know, inevitably I think, if you were still by my side.

So many months have gone by. I already forgot what you smell like, or even look like. I forget so many details, but I still remember the pain. I don';t love you anymore nor do I want to, neither do I want to completely forget you. It's a love-hate thing still. I have almost moved on. it's just the random haunting that sets me totally depressed. and usually something else in life triggers it.

I don't know. it's a pretty tough portion of my life right now. Maybe life will turn out to be better soon enough. that keeps me going. I'm trying to do things, but things aren't going right. I try to play Dota, and epic fail. I embarrass myself. I try to play badminton, and I get slaughtered. the things which I spent hours and hours doing last time, I could hardly justify that right now. Piano is not going very well either. Sometimes, maybe i should stop being so hard on myself and live life as it is.

I haven't really been purely happy recently. Next time is finally summary exercise. Ex.claymore in Thailand. Because this was the subject of conversation between me and her when we dated. how were we going to survive the (then projected) 1 month. right now it's just two weeks. I'm here right now, standing right here and I don't have to go dig a shellscrape on foreign ground worrying about anybody back at home. I feel that that is indeed a blessing. Because I feel free, and that will cause time to past much quicker.

Maybe it's just better this way. Maybe I will find someone else. I will, eventually.