all cuddled up

it's just any other Wednesday afternoon. everything is fine, I hope.

Have you ever looked at your life and felt so under leveled, achieving so much less than what you should be. true. i shall be honest with myself. i am super lonely to the point of desperateness. army friends makes things much better and booking into camp makes me just want to get by and get it over and done with. tough stuff like route march and crappy exercises make my life easier, ironically and paradoxically and counter intuitively because it's like fight fire with fire kind of analogy. I'd rather deal with physical pain than feeling vexed over something so insignificant and non existent. speaking of loneliness. sometimes, i sit on a bus alone and wonder about the empty months spent taking this same bus without someone's head over my shoulder. I start to feel this distinct emptiness. it's not I hate being single. what do single army dudes do anyway. dota their weekends? go clubbing, rest, exercise, hit the gym? that's the standard operations procedures for weekends for people like me. i'm not saying it's bad, and I am having quite the time of my life now (hey, weekends are so stress free!). but what's with this loneliness. By desperate I don't mean by standards are dropping, or I can just randomly pick anyone on the street. it's like wanting that opposite gender company, that bond, and knowing that someone is there with you. and yes, of course, maybe the romance and the need to be loved and to release some of the pent up love in yourself. maybe that's what it's all about. i'm tired of being single. but the right person hasn't come along and i'm tired of waiting.

I realize one's experiences in life define a person. it's hard to trust again once you've been hurt. I know that pretty well. I'm terribly paranoid and cynical at this point of life right now. I tend to go for the kill, then I change my mind because I am afraid of being shot down and dying in the process. I am no longer risk taking, nor adventurous. I am a person who swirls his own mind into circles and circles to the point of misery because of an insensitive comment that people make. My pride is too high and I cannot afford for it to drop. because dropping pride is just equal to being sliced with a knife, or worst.

True. I'm certainly not ready for a serious relationship right now. whether it is financially or emotionally because I am immature. I hurt myself pretty bad unnecessarily. Even if people do not charge at me, I will stab myself first before anything happens. And people's comments can suddenly become a 5.56 round aimed at my head, causing severe emotional bleeding. I am impatient and easily get flustered and my thoughts and actions suddenly will deviate from who I am supposed to be. I am rash and unpredictable, and I quite hate myself for that.

I was all cuddled up into bed and I realized my conclusion was I haven't grown up much.