The bane of more problems

Earthquake Earthquake!

Panic Panic everywhere

There was so much to break

too much to bear

the waves sweep past

I hid under some random shelter

No idea how long I'm gonna last

No way to make myself feel better

The waves seem to be gone

The pandemonium momentarily ceased

everything looked so bleak, so torn

but still, little by little my heart eased

Little did I know, 

in a split second, where I thought I was safe

above my heart there was something that blowed

and smashed me with so much haste

And in between heaven and hell I dedicate

this poem, to those have everything to lose

before it's too late

may they realize they have nothing to choose

Love, mystery, bitter, pain, sweet

Is like running away from something to somewhere

You don't know and a place you will never meet

Before you know it, you're in it's lair.

As you run you try to protect,

shards of debris will constantly haunt you

Nothing will guard your back

And everything you do makes you look like a fool.

I wonder why.

When it's so much easier to just surrender and die

Why is it so hard, (to the world or love) say bye

And in that I found that to ourselves we lie.

it's all in the mind

Bad week. Bad politics. Bad reputation. Bad bad bad. the only redemption is half day off on Friday. Currently I have 5 offs in my account which is so much lesser than my peers. But whew, January is finally over and I am left with one question. How to stay out of trouble. I guess I should not wait till things happen before panicking. Procrastination, or even complacence gets me into trouble most of the time. Thinking that I know when I clearly don't know, thinking I can get away easily. It's been a fearful one month of ups and downs. (mostly stress). Things are starting to get busy for the new year. There's no more advance and overcome for me. It's only lie low and take cover. I don't want any more troubles or problems. Im gonna be rule abiding. I'm not going to wait for things to happen. I'm trying to find a balance between safe and paranoia. But the line is hard to draw and the limit difficult to distinguish. But still, I cannot afford any more set backs. right now, I have to play my cards right. to myself, lie low now. Just lie low. 

the half hour

I have about another half hour before I book in. These misc time is really wasted. Especially on nights out or booking in day. I have to reach camp usually by 2330, and at around 2200 I find myself unable to do anything because there is this unsettling "I have to leave home soon feeling". You feel neither here nor there again and it irks just like how I feel like to have a door half open! pretty annoying. But I just manage to make good use of such weird screwed time to blog.

Sentosa outing with the battalion on Friday which made Friday quite a long day because we left the place around 2. Free half day and a good night sleep at home on Thursday. Every week has been a early fall out week for the whole month!

Random fun thing of the day : I just shaved my head.

I'm tired, sleepy. Restless. Lack of exercise, lethargic. Don't like life now. Maybe I will feel better once duty is over on Monday.

The days ahead

I fear that all my posts from this point onwards will be speaking about how I wish time can move faster. It's 22nd January now. A good two weeks from when I previously blogged. Two weeks is half a month. Really. Been pretty depressed this week, almost got three Christmas presents for something which is arguably my fault. Wondering why I am wasting my life, wasting my time. I guess most people confront this right at the start, right when they are faced with all that route marches to no where. And then they probably got used to all that. For me, I had fun all the way. Seriously, but right now, life is relatively good but time is moving too slowly. It feels like it's been forever but it's still not even one year yet. Though almost, thankfully. 1 year 1 month and maybe 20 days or so.

What I am looking forward to right now? Good question. Besides the Big O. Perhaps Chinese New year in February. (not the festive season mind you, the OFF and the super long weekend), my birthday in April. That's about it. I only have my year of annual leave and 4 days off to tide me through this year so far. I need to find ways to earn back some OFF. Oh no.

Someone tell me time will fly.

I think I'm the weakest person ever. I'm almost about to break down sometimes. I need things to be perfect, and if they ain't. I sulk. If I do something wrong, I will try to run, hide or blow the problem into bits and pieces. I don't know. I'm not even good at bearing consequences. I never really had punishment for anything I did wrong in my life. Nothing. Even in school, I could just skip detention even if they dished it out to me. Why is it that I have no control over time. To change things that went wrong, and to make it go faster (or slower). Why, why. why.

If I could control time, things would be much easier. And now, I am sulking because I feel helpless. Never felt so impatient, so desperate for haste, so urgent, but time takes it's bugger own free time.

Please.

This thing called time

One week of January just went by.I am stranded in a quite freaking long 31-day month. I have duty on the 24th, Sunday's Sentry (om gosh, alliteration) Oh well. Sucks to be me. But it's part and parcel of army life.

This thing called time is so annoying. No matter how you scream and yell at it. It takes it's own time. And when you're late, it just doesn't slow down. Time is an annoying brat because it doesn't listen to me. Oh my. Oh time. why are you taking your own sweet time. This is my only request to you, please hurry up!

There's something called fitness which has been missing in my life for pretty some months. Last week we had PT for mostly everyday. I love PT, because in NS life, it's the only thing that you can take home with you. Parades, cleaning arms, cleaning bunks, going outfield, ain't really gonna benefit. (guard duty being the worst of all) But if there are things which I want to take away from NS, that would be fitness (which I have yet achieved) and of course, the ability to drive. That would be a good takeaway. But miserable achievement for a two years waste of time (which could be spent in other better ways).

I'd like to thing that if I blog every week. It takes four posts to get a month over and done with. And it takes about lets say 14X4=56 posts to get myself ORD-ed. That is pretty miserable but I like counting down. There is this bittersweet impulse to it. It's like YES, and no. Then in my mind runs automatically mechanism to convince myself time is doing it's job (pretty fine).

Oh oh my oh my. They say, my time will come. But it looks so far away! I'm not dreading book in nowadays or camp life or SOC or whatever. I just. Want my former life back!

This year ahead

Finally, I think I'm getting the blogging momentum here. This year ahead is going to be a tough one. No more offs/leave and now it's down to the 5 and a half day week, surviving on the already so scarce public holidays and nights out. Weekends will feel short. But yet, somewhat I still miss camp. (in a weird way though). I kind of look forward to going back but somehow, I just dread the year. It's gonna be a challenge, but it's also a built up to the legendary 2011.

Resolutions. Starting small, I plan to get my driving license soon. (I know I said it long ago, but hey, it's a new year and yes, I have driven several km on public road across the island, so it's gonna be a breeze for me). Start studying for A'levels again. It's gonna be fun (yes I mean it). And it begins today (i'm gonna start taking out my books and notes and start planning a schedule!). Studying in camp, woo! Piano, yes. My programme is far from completion. gotta buck up. Aim to finish everything by the end of this year (hopefully).

For a beautiful 2011. For a happy 21st birthday, there's a lot I have to accomplish this year.

And I'm back

If you're wondering. I was blogging in private mode for awhile on another remotely far away blog but geez it was only two posts so oh well. let me continue.

2010 is here. Yes finally, I found out the reason why I wanted to blog. Because I had to sort out new year resolutions on my blog. (which by far, was the greatest factor of why I've been blogging). Oh wait, but that doesn't mean I don't really have anything to sort out. Well. NS made blogging boring (as you can see, or rather, read).

Phases of 2009 (from what I remember, and vaguely recall, except the recent memories)

The slum phase (Jan, Feb)
Munching fruit bars late at night, watching Lost and doing dumbbells. Pretty insane. 10PM runs, hopping up stairs and push ups. Yea, my lame attempt at training up for NS. Lost was pretty good, but I forgot where I left it hanging to die when it started to become less than very interesting. Carefree life, playing piano like no one's business. Went on those 6 sets of 1 hour piano practice sprees. Hanging out late at some place, having brownies and getting involved with rubber duckies of all things. Not that I want to hold on to those, but a fact is a fact. history is indeed history.

When the going gets tough phase (March,April,May,)
BMT! Life changed! Drastically. No hair, no freedom, but great company and friends. Lots of physical pain, hellish field camp, some heart breaks here at there though. Pretty much a fun three months. Memorable 24Km route march, unforgettable songs. Thinking back makes me kinda smile. Been awhile since I could consider myself a little fit.

Transition and hell! (June)
Church Camp during block leave. Block leave was fun! (sentosa, shopping for once, I think I blogged about that, go check) Civilian life for once felt so good. Settling back into a whole new place. First two weeks at Seletar Camp was hell. Depressing blue-ness, the sea, and all that bridging pandemonium. The regimentation, the uncertainty, and still, the recurring heart break. Meet a new friend. Walking about through midnight around bukit timah was fun, and then staying over and then going to church the next day and losing my smiley face t-shirt.

Mental torture (July and August)
I think probably the worst few weeks in my NS life so far. Jeep course. Read back into my older entries. Driving was tough, but I finally graduated after 5 tests. I almost cried more than I ever did in the past 10 years during this course. Stress was overwhelming. I tell you. I still can remember how terrified I was. And it still left me traumatized. But thinking back, I kinda grew more accustomed to stress (and anxiety) after this course. But it was stay out! still enjoyed coming home everyday

All about survey phase (September, October)
I think YF camp preps started around here. Army life getting cooler. Getting used to booking in/out in civilian attire. Having more freedom, more nap time. More relaxed schedule, life's getting good. First nights out at Jurong Point. Moved about quite a little. Jurong Camp, then Nee Soon Camp. Meet someone important here. And the more flexible lights out timing did help facilitate late night texting.

Approaching the finishing line phase (November)
Back at Seletar. Slum life-Army style. Waking up at 6. then sleeping until 5, then hit the gym at night. Of course, there were fairly annoying things along the way (like 2 weeks confinement again cause of a weekend exercise! boo!) Actually Nov was quite epic in it's own way. I can't really say.

And BANG, finally the climax (December!)
Managed to take so much OFF/Leave and even medical appointments and 1 Day Medical leave to cluster and combine into almost an entire month's off! Except I still remember booking in for Christmas Eve to do SOC which was thankfully canceled due to the rain! Korea trip with my family! YF camp, and lots of lots of other things happening. Christmas Caroling, outings with church people and so on and so forth. Some important stuff which I can't say, but yes, it's epic and it's supposed to be here but TY censoring board says no! Oh well. Anyway yes, stay over last night and countdown to 2010 which was shortly followed by freeze and melt! And this leads us to

2010!!!!

And Yes, my resolution

Will be on the next post.