The spree continues

My attend C ends on Thursday but Friday is Company clear off which means I return to camp only next Monday. Wonderful.

I just started a twitter account. I have no friends there. But it's for my more intimate thoughts. (warning:mostly are emo?) I don't know.

I'm going grand piano shopping this weekend! I hope to get a $20K 6'3-6'5 Grand for my living room! Decided not go for Japanese brands like Kawai or Yamaha. My daddy says it's better to go for a European brand (but Made in China) because it's cheaper for bigger sizes and ultimately it's which tone you prefer. I can already picture it in my living room! Can't wait.

I could be practicing more piano but now it's going all stale. I really cannot muster enough motivation to go and practice. this is the "getting sick of your pieces' stage. My program has it's shape up, few pieces to polish and a few to complete. but the shape is there. And there are pieces which I have been playing for about 1 year to date. Now sometimes I wonder if I will bother to put "safe points" at every danger zone of technical insecurity.

This is my battle. To determine if I have what it takes. If I fail, I'll give myself one more chance. But then this is where I see if I have the talent. Whether I can make it or not. And thus, for this, I will practice ultra hard and eliminate every tinge of insecurity in all my pieces. If single memorizing is not enough I will memorize twice. I have decided to play pieces from memory because memorizing is my forte.

Yesterday night I was feeling rather emotional. I questioned many things. My walk in army is coming to an end. I realize I don't really have a clique, or a group of friends. What I have is scattered friends from all over the place. And not to mention, they're not really close. I guess this is what you get for keeping all to yourself all the time. I live by " in solitude, where we are least alone ", I believe largely that to accomplish much, you have to work alone and spare yourself all that socializing time. It's about keeping yourself hidden in your own house, train, prepare, (as if under a waterfall) and come out and own the shit out of everybody. This was my concept all along. But I guess I reap what I sow.

For whom do I play and for what do I sit there for hours stoning at notation and slowly and painstakingly "consummate" with music? It's never easy, it's neither a happy thing to be plowing through new repertoire. Worst, grinding them into your muscle memory is also a tedious process. So why?

My dad always mentions that musicians have to be "thick skinned" and enjoy performing even if it's at the expense of being arrogant and showy. Something along those lines. There is a thin line between arrogance and showmanship. Do I hide in the piano room for a thousand hours just to emerge with a transcendental etude that make the jaws of people drop? Maybe. Maybe not. It's true I get discouraged when people do not acknowledge how much talent it requires to play the piano. There are people who don't give a shit really. But those are the minority, and the initially pissed off me have decided to not give a shit about these people.

So what is this intriguing force?

I'd like to remind myself. I play for nobody. I play for myself. I am my own mercenary and I am responsible for my own motivation. I play for the joy of accomplishing something just like how a little kid feels pure joy after building a sandcastle, irregardless of whether people praise his art or not. I should remind myself of the pure joy in playing these pieces and in the saying "no pain no gain", I remind myself that only through grueling grinding against the walls of notation and technical difficulty will I become stronger mentally. Eventually, I will tackle my goal pieces because those pieces make me shiver in excitement when I hear them, let alone play them someday.

Recognition is important. But, ultimately-I play for myself. For my personal pride. For my own sense of achievement.