Christmas in G minor

I slept my Christmas away.

Under the blanket. Under the soft effect of Chopin nocturnes, I really had a good afternoon nap. The weather was calm, the breeze was moderate-just-nice and everything fell into place. I've been sleeping a lot lately, I know.

This year's Christmas made me think about a lot of things. Perhaps it is my own expectations that brought everything down. On it's eve, I hung out with new friends of a few months, gotta say it was awkward at times because somehow I suddenly realize I have no close friends to spent the day with. Loneliness, if you sum it up. Memories of last year's Christmas stream in and assault me relentlessly. Having a good memory is cool in school but for such things it sucks. I can even remember the stuff to the detail that happened last Christmas. This Christmas made me wonder if I am totally over you. I mean, not that it matters because you don't pick up my calls or reply my messages anyway. But yeah, this year, I somehow just want to hide under my blanket and live in last year's world.

Of course, Christmas is not Valentine's day or a gift exchanging day or whatever. It is the birth of Christ and we should not be overly concerned about worldly matters. But it is a definite thing that things like Santa, presents, romance, parties that will never cease to distract us. In actual fact, this is just another day on the calender. but the December wind is totally different. the wind that blows through the window this year is sad, it's bitter, it's lonely and it's in G minor.

To put myself back on track this year, I had set myself routines, goals, and expectations of myself. I have signed up for a lot this year. My piano diploma examination next year requires countless of hours of practice, the Sundown marathon which I intend to get a good reasonable timing for also requires countless of hours of sweating it out. Ultimately, I have thought about all the things in life I want to accomplish, and have been trying fervently to make myself more disciplined organized and more efficient. but this is the time of the year you start wondering why you're doing all this for.

Like I've told some people. the Christmas lights in town and all that festive season ain't very healthy to look at for single dudes like me. Because this is the time of the year you need someone's hand to hold. and you look around you, and there's no one that fits the bill NOR you can imagine yourself with. I mean, the person isn't just here. Or maybe you were with that person last year but she's gone now. So you wonder, how will the next person that enters your life be like. will it be soon? will it be five years down the road. Beats me. and that is a question that is bugging me. Because I don't even know if I'm ready. And once I'm in again, all the things I've been working for will somehow make way for this person, and my focus will be disrupted and everything will suddenly seem ironically "purposeful" despite doing all the "un-meaninful" thigns. C'mon dating can be quite a time waster right.

Somehow, i lay in bed. playing with my ipod touch. it's the same bed I laid on last year talking to her on the phone after Christmas caroling. it was the same bed I borrowed my brother's Mac book to web cam with her last Christmas morning. It was the same table which I made my card for her. And it was exactly 365 days ago when i received that awesome hand made card which was the most awesome card I have ever received.

Alright it is not often that I indulge in the most intimate of my memories these days. I don't think of her anymore on a daily basis. But this is the day (christmas) which I braced myself for quite sometime back. Changing church doesn't make things any better. because the warmth which I use to experience on Christmas isn't there and because of that relative comparison, things here at the new place feels cold and unwelcoming.

Christmas is over now and thank you but I wish to carry on with my own life. Going back to camp next monday night will probably help things. Back to piano practice and running and gyming. This festive season sucks I have gotta say.