Meaning

We are all desperate people. At every point, we see ourselves as unstable. then we seek to find that missing piece to make ourselves stable. we chase things, we seek love. just when we think we found happiness, it runs away. there is no end to satisfaction. there is no such thing as permanent satisfaction, but merely constant dissatisfaction. that's the sad fact. if there was a canvas to life, it would be dark, it would be black, it would be sad. and we have to constantly find small flickers of light to keep ourselves from going blind from darkness.

Emptiness. Meaninglessness.

We all have an idea of what life is ought to be. We all know what we want. and it's just about living it out. We always need our heart to burn for something. If not, life is meaningless. Even if our hearts burn, it is only temporary. we have to keep reigniting the flame, otherwise, when there is nothing burning, life feels cold and meaningless.

There are more things that annoy us that make us happy. there are more things in life that are sad than painful. it is like a negative world with a small spark of happiness to keep us going. it's like, doing hard labour with a lolipop in your mouth. negligible. and we all just do it for that little bit of candy. sadly.

I am sitting here intrigued by the meaninglessness of life. Maybe it is after all, the same old national service problem. weekends don't have a meaning, they feel terribly lonely. I practice the same pieces on the piano again and again and the only thing that is driving me is to perform a flawless jaw dropping performance some day either in the examination room or somewhere out there. I always have dreams and that is what keeps me going. but there are clouds now and it's raining out there. this is where I am not satisfied. because I feel like I've lost what it is like to burn. I am self sufficient. I am quite stable, and I am well and alive. but there is nothing to seek. nothing to do. time has locked me in. it's like a jail, a prison.

I already find myself to have a much more sophisticated calling than most people. Playing the piano puts me one notch above most people. at least against people who are solely devoted to the superficial pleasures of materialism or unhealthy substance abuse. I am not here to judge who is cool and who is uncool. because everything is about perspective.

Being in camp makes me feel this meaninglessness less directly. because I can just look forward to booking out/nights out because that is when my life continues. Because life is like scaled down in camp. Sleeping-in and afternoon naps are privileges and hard to come by. Even a day without any fatigue work to do is kind of rare. that is where we savor these things so much.

Compare and contrast. my life at home. I sit at my desk the entire day just indulging in facebook voyeurism while doing the piano-rest-piano-rest cycle. I don't really fancy going out with friends, I don't have a clique. And it is hard to find people whom I get along with.