FML

Saturday morning. just cancelled on my piano teacher. Did not practice at all this week because of no nights out. this sucks. my mind is in a mess. a lot up my mind, and a lot of suppressed emotions.

I had a dream. A dream whereby I manage to talk to you again and ask you the questions I've always wanted to ask. It felt so real and I woke up missing you SO BADLY. I don't know. It's been 5 months. I still miss you and I'm still alone. I've always thought once I find someone else I would forget about you. true, I try to recall about the nights we quarrel and the mornings I wake up feeling so uneasy because I feel sorry and I want to quickly apologize. I can't remember what we were fighting about. there are still so many things I want to ask you. I wonder if I ever will see you again (or hear your voice again). Maybe it's just cause I feel so damn it alone. FML.

I remember the sucky mornings when I woke up at 4am+ to draw rifle for some shit. I wake up, with you in mind. Keeping you in mind eased all the painful stuff which I had experience. it was useful, at least. to have someone to think about and pleasant memories to think about when you're in shit ( for example, digging a shit hole in the middle of the night with no sleep at all). You were somebody which gave me strength and I just wanted to be with you. But now. I woke up at the wee hours. it's all dark, and there's nobody to think of. I feel alone. I feel scared. I feel as if why am I doing all these. And weekends I just go home to sleep. I feel happy at small things sometimes, but I never get the big picture kind of happy. something is so lacking from my life. and maybe that is you.

I don't know. Army life is getting worst. Going to claymore soon. regimentation getting shit worst. politics start to make life complicated and messy. there's really nothing but a blank canvas with the word shit written on it. SHIT. life is shit. and I am really unhappy.