1 year from POP

today is one year from POP day. last year this time, I was standing on the parade square in my FBO waiting to pass out from BMT. one whole year have passed, (about 15 months in NS) and with a remaining 9 months to clock, I really have to say that time is doing his job right. time crawled, but still, it advanced somewhat. I had experienced a myriad of emotions. Sadness and sorrow being like the top hit of the last 12 months. Actually, to be fair, there was a fair share of candy here and there.

NS is really annoying. Like I said, I am willing to give up almost anything to ORD like immediately. (of course, it cannot be too drastic). It's been like five months since I haven't seen you. I really have forgotten what you even look like. Even our most intimate memories, I seem to have forgotten them. Yesterday I was walking around Bishan and it occurred to me that there's a possibility that I still might bump into you. My gut feeling tells me that I will ignore, but I will continue to feel disturbed for a long period of time. I am alright now. I believe that you made the right choice. It's for your own and my happiness. Right now, I cannot imagine missing you so much and not being able to see you because you're grounded for a few months due to examinations. End of the day, I hope it's not all just excuses. I believe you. Not to mention, I am flying to thailand soon for Ex Claymore.

You seem like you did not exist. Sometimes, I wonder if you still remember me. What am I to you now? What was I to you all the while? Sometimes, there are questions with no answers, or no means to find those answers. Answers that lead to no where, to no point. I should just enjoy my life right now. I feel as if I cannot fall in love naturally now. there is a barrier. maybe it's because I have not totally forgotten. I haven't met anyone better than you.

But I tell myself, you're not that great really. the next girl that enters my life, I'm sure she will treat me better. but it's already too late, I will not go all out. I will not steer the wheel, I will not go full speed and put in all my damn it effort. I will not leave myself vulnerable to a knife wound. I will be steadfast, in offense and defense. because it's all nothing but a facade. I will remain cynical. Until you arrive, with your angelic wings, and free me from all these cynicism.

But I am happy. Because being single, I have no need to report to anybody or any source.

I will learn not to depend on people for my emotional happiness. I am responsible for my own happiness, for my own life. With that paradigm, I will move forward and redeem what is rightfully mine. I will succeed, because I do not need someone beside me to. I will be brave, because life is scary.