Mazeppa

My life is coming to an end. Very soon. But today I found myself back and I'm elated. Days of playing hide and seek with myself. The seemingly perpetual hunt loops again. Up and down. Sometimes I don't even know what the heck I'm doing.

The last few days been rotting spree for me. I wake up and all I do is decompose. My body, my fragments of my body, are all hanging from the bed, and I am totally in a world of delusion. I feel like I'm on drugs. a drug of false fatigue. something which causes hours of wallowing in the bed, and refusing to budge. Vertigo also strikes me at some instances. Then I feel as if I am undergoing some emotional transformation, but that is merely an illusion of restlessness. And partially all that strikes me roots from the evil flu bug. Cough! and more cough! there's no end. A lack of determination I feel. Is this how people feel like when they are about to die?

Yesterday I went out. I went out to a place known as centrepoint. A tourist in my own country-a pitiful sorrowful state but yet I am proud of. Failure to navigate to the destination, failure to identify places in my own country and only some few stops away from my own house. Singapore is small, but I am trapped in my own world. What is Orchard road. And when I alighted I felt like I'm in a foreign land. Why is it that people like going out to town anyway! OH that hostile place full of hostile people and hostile signs and hostile monuments with less than monumental impact on the average person. The coke there is more expensive and taste worst than what I get from home. Oh and I don't really consider that hostile place my home. Everything scares me about that place. I'd rather be at home. It's so busy that it's scary. A place void of tranquility is a place of terror! The blazing sun and the people walking so lifelessly. The shops that reflect the plague of mankind. I can't believe anyone can find solace in walking along these roads!

I went there not to be a wussy critic but more of I went to try out some grand pianos. I tried a kawai grand which I find very pleasant. However, the person wouldn't let me practice on it and only test the action and touch of the keys, which I like very much. It cost a bomb however, 40K, which I find it overly price and way above my pathetic budget for a grand piano. It's not my budget anyway! But I still find myself quite revived after playing it. The sound that resonates is so pleasing!! The price tag is scary! I have to look somewhere else I guess.

So sadly this is the only highlight this week. I spent my time doing nothing, rotting. rotting rotting. I must learn how to control myself even though I am going to die. Some people can remain cheery and embrace the present. Ah, one dimensional time. And the inevitable is about to happen. While I await the inexorable affliction, I shall wallow some more. I find solace in Liszt's Mazeppa. It gives me a lot energy. Trust me. It does.

I was about to do some dedications to a friend. But I realize that is so not me.