Lost

I haven't been blogging again. But sometimes matters are just so entangled that it becomes a chore to untangle them and then blog about it. The matters of the mind are so complex that I feel like there is an ecosystem within me. Weird. Waking up resets me, puts me in equilibrium and that is a pleasant feeling.

I realized I have been imposing myself on others. Well, I have always been. The nature that goes like "people should make things go the way I want it to", else, " I get annoyed". That is very selfish behavior which lies within me. Pride and selfishness are my biggest flaws, I recognize that.

Put your hand in a bag of balls like say 10 balls of variating colors. And let's say there's only one white ball. The chance of getting it is simply 1/10. So let's say I put my hand into the bag and grab any random ball. And assuming I'm a fussy person who just simply adores white balls and I say "if I don't get the white ball I'll be unhappy".

So there is a 9/10 chance that I end up unhappy. This applies to most situations. In everything that happens, there are certainly somehow more ways that it can turn out bad than good. Even when they are equal, Murphy's Law prevents any form of optimism from blossoming (it says, anything that can go wrong will go wrong). So is the trick in being happy being more open minded. Let's say I like blue red pink white balls (which are 4 out of 10 in the bag), there is a higher chance of being happy? Being more open minded, compromising, makes one more happy?
Some people can accept getting a non-white ball, but for people like me, we tend to dwell in it for a longer period of time, questioning WHY is it that we cannot have the white ball.

I did not set any resolutions this year. it started with a very perplexing note. I dislike 2009. somewhat, dislike it so much that I don't want to set resolutions. But internally, I have some intangible ones. Some things so obvious that I need not explicitly note it down. After all, why wait till the new year before I set new resolutions. I should set resolutions each time I wake up.

To things which I enjoy, I really feel it's time I let go of the entire burden I am carrying. Appreciating what's there instead of trying so hard to forge what is not there. Trying to be someone I can't be. (or maybe I am already). It's so hard I realize to assume an identity that you're not. People with insight and experience penetrates anything and I realize nothing can be a substitute for foundation-yes, not even genius.