My zone

Surveys are no-brainers. I was randomly selected with a few others from my class and about two hundred other people from the cohort to take part in this biannual national survey. It was so ironic how I waited one hour for the briefing and and additional 15 minutes which was wasted to pretty pointless attendance taking.

I finished the survey in less than a minute. (supposed to span 15 minutes)Anyway, in such carefully crafted surveys, more often than not, blindly filling in would naturally result in the answer you would eventually give even if you gave the question your thoughts. Agreeing is the safest way to go, and then ticking all agrees as default and briefly scanning through for any anomaly/weird question or question that you are inclined to disagree, allows one to complete it faster. I didn't go on my survey autopilot, and all I did was to do faster than normal. Can't blame me for that.

Oh well. School was pretty much still in that sunken, sullen mood. After all, prelims are in a month and a half's time and looking at the Physics Revision Package makes me wonder if I am even able to finish even half of it. Though I am sure only strange, odd, muggerish people would finish the entire thing, I would have to say that it is actually an artifact that inspires me. By what means? I am not very sure. Certainly, it thrills me to do something seemingly harder than average questions. It seems like an etude like effect on physics. For once. (even when I have no basics)

Sometimes, guilt overwhelms me. I wonder what is this unclean feeling, this arcane sense of impurity. Stygian and depressing. Today I played Chopin's Etude Number 4 again in the hall, and there was this guy watching me from the side. He looked as if he was watching me closely and I was feeling greatly intimidated. Then he came up to me and asked for my name and he says he knows me. He tries to confirm if I really have been playing the piano for one year, then he introduces himself, shoves in some lines that I'm 'good', ( for the fact that I assume that that was merely to introduce an ice breaking flattering effect into the rather uncomfortable scenario). I've recieved two compliments today from people whom I don't know. But all I played was a messy, disheveled Chopin Etude.

And that is where all the guilt settles in. Though on the outside, perhaps it might sound impressive. It might sound fast, screechy, explosive. But internally, I know every single note that I missed. Some people are able to tell, some people are oblivious when I mask everything with washes of pedal. There are so many section which I have not been able to execute properly. And there are also sections which have wrong notes, missed notes, and all sorts of blunders. What I present, is nothing but a half baked, half hearted, overly cooked pie with on toppings, no flavor. I feel utterly disgusted.

Yet I have no time to make any changes. The urgency of Prelims will be right behind our backs and pressure is building up everywhere. I have 14 hours of CIP to make up for, thousand of chapters to work on, and a few millions of doubts left unsettled. I have lofty aims for prelims in hopes that if I manage to achieve that I will be able to soften down and go back into my musical endeavors. As I watch a video of Liszt's La Campenella, the flame within me ignites.

And then I have to reluctantly extinguish it.

What a stupid post.