Circumstances

I wonder if I can blog in proper paragraphs tonight, because some part of me tells me that I will not be able to do so. I'm feeling hazy, a slight sense of happiness though it's more of pseudo happiness. Yet, also an acute vexing sensation. I don't know, really.

Sometimes, the wavering confidence in me can generate enough pressure to suffocate. I mean, it's so not me to be pressurized but, I am human and I do feel pressure. Though usually I try to act as if I am not. Well. I would say my results are really worst then horrible and it makes me think about a lot of stuff, like how will I be able to pull through. Self-reflection works wonders even without a mirror you get to see all the nasty sides at weird angles which you would have never thought about. I know there are a significant number of people in the same boat as me, or close, but is relying on that kind of comfort as a pillar of strength necessarily good. Granted, it keeps the emo-ness away, but again, some part of me is telling me that is so wrong. There is a morbid guilt in me which is so disturbing. Somehow, I feel like I should be studying.

Will it really work out? I mean, like snap my fingers and immediately enter the "zone", whereby the zone is an area of concentrated and intense, fervent enthusiasm for academics. Perhaps, fear WILL be a catalyst. For once, I am feeling slightly intimidated, and some part of me refuses to accept it. Where has all that confidence go to? I always like to ask myself. I really have to seriously reflect and seriously do something about it.

These days that pass by seems void of direction. I've abruptly let go of music. I've decided not to play anymore than my examination pieces, practice not more than 30 minutes a day. I've decided that if I am not going to go full force, I ain't going to do much. Will I able to let go of it entirely. I am still listening to my precious collections of music from Chopin to Liszt to Bach and that is certainly really a big temptation. I'm still playing my etude on breaks in school just so I don't forget all that I've learn. it's hard, really. But I think I'm carrying too much load.

I've told myself to recover a little from the mid year mishap. Play hard till a certain deadline. And then start sprinting towards the prelims. I don't want to die so badly again. I have to remember, I'm an avenger right now. And revenge should be my priority. I've started to gradually let go of piano over the last few days. But the days seem totally empty without it. I can laze in bed, for many hours. I really have nothing left. Sadly, this feeling seems familiar enough for me to relate to it again.

I was talking to Jlam. It seems we both agree that we don't feel like nubcakes in our subjects. I understand, in fact, more than understand. I more or less probably know what's going on in every chapter. But the problem is, only briefly. I've been more prepared for this exam rather common test OR promos, where I did better at. I wonder what went wrong this time.

After all, I might be far off from being the sleeping genius who scores and pays attention better when his asleep.

So many things going through my mind now, a lot of other stuff. Tomorrow, the skit, some people, stuff, and stuff, and more stuff. And things I want to do, things which I want to do badly, things which I do not want to do, things which I have no choice but to oblige to. I want to get organized but I have to admit I don't like to get organized because I detest the feeling of being neat.

And yes, I finally have to humbly admit that I think I do have to study after all.