Revision

So the more you do something, naturally, you would get better, along with time. But we often neglect that the less you do something, also naturally and inevitably, you would get worst at it.

I tried playing badminton today, and it was one harsh revision experience. I experienced 10 minutes of pure overhead missing (and yes, my timing was screwed), then my reflexes were extremely numb and slow. I had to thaw this icing coldness, the coldness of unfamiliarity which probably made the experience terrifying. The strokes which I was once had utmost confidence in, betrayed me (or I believe I betrayed them), I hardly even manage to even recover a decent backhand drop shot today. I did recover, I did revise, but that was still a far far cry from where I was. If I just let it flow gradually, will I be able to get back my old self. or are such things lost forever??

By the end, I was able to recover some bits and fragments of memories. It's like forgetting how do even walk and crawl. Badminton formed a big portion of my life several years back and solely one year absence from competitively playing badminton caused such major wreckage in badminton for me. Why do I feel an obligation to actually improve up to a decent social recreational standard? Why do I feel if I don't do that, I have wasted about 2.5 years of my time seriously mugging badminton. It haunts me now, to pay the upkeep or let it be gone forever. Badminton to me, is a dispensable thing right now. However, out of all the sports, it is the only one which I can play. Amongst all my cries only one answered. Badminton did.

I don't know. I'm so confused. Am I seriously supposed to use time and effort to upkeep this? Or do I just let it rot and eventually let it vanish from my life. It will probably take maybe 5-10 sessions where I can roughly get my technique back, but 5-10 sessions is a lot of time. I don't have the passion to do this anymore. My feelings are gone. I feel betrayed, yet I am the betrayer. I will decide in time to come, but for now, I will just play casually and see how things go. But for starters, let's say I am absolutely disgusted with how much I've plummeted.

There are more important things going on in my life right now.

Coincidently, I played near a group of kids having training. I was once in that system. Train hard, privately, additionally with a coach, then go join a competition hoping to pass the first round and if one was good enough, one would still get eliminated by the likes of foreign imports or lifeless shits that had monopoly of the sport. It was the case also in the inter schools, and everywhere. People like us, who are just born, not crazy, not insane, who have more to life, probably will not reach that far in a sport like badminton which requires hundreds of hours to train. It is an elimination thing, when one wins, another loses. A hell load of competitiveness, and the bane of the problem is pride.

How many months or years have I been living in a delusion. Or how many more people are still in this big scam. I remember the people whom I used to train with in a more serious "professional coaching". They were good, they were agile, and much better than I was. They were older than me. Amongst which, many were from ITE, if not some incompetent secondary school. I had a friend (rather close), who managed to improve from nothing (scratch) in two years to fight evenly with someone of the same age from sports school. The catch? 7 hours per day not including training sessions and assisting the coach for extra cash. He leveled with people in the sports school, but that's not enough for him to finish in somewhere near the national team, let alone internationally. And ultimately, even if he did, he wouldn't make it internationally and his maximum potential would be becoming a badminton coach. (which is an earnest living of course, but doesn't bring one very far).

These were people who trained hard believing they could become professionals. Probably well, all along these dreams were nonexistent. Lies. some people win for personal glorification and the purpose of Sport was just to keep fit, keep competitive and maintain balance alongside other issues in life. However, for these "friends" of mine. I hope they would find their path in life. Earning stacks of red and green notes in exchange for hours and skills (assisting coaching) may seem attractive and lucrative in one's teens. They spent many hours helping my coach coach little kids and harvest quite a bit (in our tiny perspective). I respect them for their skills, (I too did assisting for I think 1-2 sessions but I didn't have the time), but yet I worry for their future. Even with some sort of jerkwater education-the ITE cert, and no matter how good you are (or were) in badminton is not going to get you anywhere. The cream of the badminton coaches are reserved for people who are already in the national team. They might earn relatively big bucks, but a mediocre player becomes a mediocre coach (in the eyes of the people). With no credentials, the future looks bleak. I worry for them.

Of course, it still beats smoking tar or getting in gang fights (which is ITEesque).

I think I am quite sick and tired of coaches who have too much pride in their "industry". So what if they're the king at the court, but outside the court. They aren't probably worth much. A coach should know when to draw the line between competitive and suicidal and not expect people to dedicate so much just like they themselves. I went with the flow, and got caught with the flow along with these people whom I mentioned above. I wanted to catch up, I took so much pride in my ability. But I forgot it was just one bird, two people and a net.

This is speaking of experience. I've known some great people, my former coach was a nice man. In contrast with other coaches (some which I've trained under), who are disturbingly serious, full of pride, arrogant. Some who are condemning, some talk as if badminton is as vital as water (of course, maybe to them).

Ultimately, it was a meandering journey for me. And I'm finally glad I get to see the ocean. (I've escaped), from all this seriousness. Being extremely good at badminton is something I've dream of, wished for, dedicated time and effort in hopes of. But it was something out of my reach. I have to admit I don't have that much talent for sports. Probably average, but not exceptional. To excel, you have to be exceptional. I don't have the physique. I started too late. And even so, I never wanted to be a badminton coach. My life is somewhere else, somewhere more exclusive, somewhere lofty. Being good at multiple things is an alternative, but ultimately just like stat points in certain RPG games, how you even them out will eventually led to how the character would turn out to be. It seems like I added strength stats to an intelligence based character.

It's time I search for the purpose of why I pick up the racket. When I play now, I have to keep in mind that I am playing solely for fun. I do not really care if my lob is 4cm away from the baseline. If I hit a high net shot, (and get tapped badly), I can just laugh and move on. But I find myself living in a new perspective but refusing to move on and let go with the past. I still dread, sigh and curse silently when my lob goes half base. My stamina has dropped drastically (no more 9min 2.4 km run), and I find myself fatigued after an hour. It's all very taxing, emotionally, to be unable to do the things you were once able to do easily.

An emotional journey for me today. I never thought so much of what badminton meant to me. Right now, not much. But perhaps I will try to be more consistent in playing so I do not accumulate too much rust. I don't have the passion anymore. (I feel quite utterly sick of it after an hour of it today), but still, in order not to waste all my time I've spent on it, I think I'm going to oblige and upkeep this hefty cost of playing badminton.

Well, I've talked too much. How and why I stopped badminton as a cca is a whole total different issue all together with varying factors, but the gist is here. I've never told people what was the real core reason for quitting badminton and how my passion was terminated so easily (remember? my attitude towards the sport was vehement).