Dead

I don't like today.

So this was what happened. I initially thought Physics Paper 3 was on Tuesday and so I thought I had the whole Monday afternoon to study for it. Turns out that fortunately Jlam somehow informed that that there was school on Monday and I found out. Awestruck I was, yeps. I reached home and frantically started to panic and read some physics. So again, I have just been reading physics. I read quite a lot to the extent I was quite impressed with how much I've read. I could remember formulas, definitions and a lot more. Though I never completed the entire syllabus. I left Electric Field, Current, and DC circuits alone.

So last night I started reading again, back from chapter one. I didn't have anytime to do any shit. neither do I have time to ruminate on whatever that is written in the book. I just flipped pages rather swiftly, without caring much about details, aiming just to finish the entire book. I finished somewhere near 0200 hrs this morning. More of, that was where I decided to stop studying because I wanted to rest and be fresh. I decided to forgo DC circuits and Current.

When I went downstairs to sleep. I tried, very hard. Coffee seemed to be sufficiently enough to keep me from sleeping but yet I was too mentally fatigued to absorb anymore information. I was drifting, drifting. Thinking about all sorts of stuff, the past, the future and whatever you have. I tried my best not to randomly bump into any physics formulas in my random haphazard thoughts. Then time crept, and I couldn't fall asleep. Initially I blamed the coffee, then the late night studying which probably made my brain active (yet tire it out), then I blamed myself for reading the date wrongly. Then just when I stopped blaming things.

I realized the crux of the problem. The bane of the problem was that my dad was snoring extremely loudly. My brothers were all snoring at the top of their noses. Yes, but my dad's was a few notches higher in the league of irritation. To the extent that their snores were disparate, and fundamentally sounding very different. My dad's one was the most potent of all. What was freaking irritating was that you could hear constant crescendos. More often than not, it sounded like a chromatic scale played unevenly. Tay Yong and Yang were slight wheezing/snoring but theirs sounded like percussion to the air conditioner grinding noise. It was a bed time orchestra at work and I was a poor kid trying to fall asleep to have enough energy for the next day's paper.

There is certainly zero hyperbole. I was in the state of repletion. A surfeit of noises at midnight is certainly VERY unnecessary. I couldn't sleep. It was almost so bad that as I was about to take umbrage, I decided I was too tired, too fatigued to do so. Thus, I moved out. And even outside the master bed room, the noise was still crystal clear. The rising frequencies of the snore still pierced my ear and prevented me from concentrating on the task at hand-falling asleep.

I moved downstairs to the living room where the snore was more bearable. I fell asleep successfully at around 0530 hrs, which only left me with 1 hour of sleep. Certainly very insufficient for a 2 hour physics paper which I was inadequately prepared for in the first place.

And so, I did the standard emergency procedure when I woke up. Buff myself up with coffee, douse myself with an excess of water (aka, bathe). Pack up lots of sweets and prepare for sugar rush in the examination. I had to do so many things, but eventually I was poised to strike. With much vigor I entered the hall, hoping that I could recall what I have studied, but in the end, it was all a futile attempt.

Well let's say I got slaughtered. Before I could go on on my callow of how naturally bad I am in physics, let's say just I think I have been reading physics in vain. I anticipated it. No matter how much I could remember definitions/formulas as long as I can't use them it's totally ineffective. I realize I was studying physics the geography way. I know a lot of tiny details which are probably so minute and embedded in the tiniest corners of some notes and books, but who cares, they won't ever come out. I know the formulas well enough to do basic questions and slightly moderate questions. But when they merge topics, add their own tiny little seemingly harmless subterfuges, and add more depth, I find myself helpless.

Let's say my entire DC circuit question was blank (well, why did it have to come out!). I could barely do some questions, (which is a consolation I guess). I struggled with the majority of the questions which lead me to thinking that reading physics for me is really suicide. I never confirmed my knowledge, I never once ever reassured myself what I knew was right. I never got a chance to experience how they could twist questions. It's almost as if it's my first time doing such questions. Zero experience, naive and inexperienced, that was how I felt.

I think I actually studied to a certain extent for this paper. But all along it was the wrong way. I knew it, I should have gotten more intimate with the topics. All I did was brush the surface and think I know it all. I lack real practice. And that's the consequence of trying to emulate people who can read physics and score A. Guess I finally have to come to terms that I am not once of those people. I use to think I want to be like that, I don't care. Even if I have to fail countless of times, I will try to find the secret to just read physics and pass with flying colors. I guess after all it's just all innate. It's either, you have it or you don't.

Not to mention that when the holidays begun, I was by default 5 chapters behind on every subject. I only have myself to blame for it. But I don't regret.

I don't know what others feel about the paper, but it seems like a stern warning for me. I have been studying (yes, to whatever extent), but I was never serious. I treated study like something which you can just read and score decent grades. I was never ever serious. To the extent I actually studied for the fun of it. I like reading books and notes for knowledge but I don't like to practice.

Well I just slept just now for about an hour or so. I think I should study for the upcoming papers if not I'll die rather bad. Seeing how things go. I think reading math is even more suicidal than reading physics. Once again, I find myself doing things so last minute.

At least physics is not over. If I do decent for paper 1/2 I can still scrape somewhere. No paper tomorrow! and sadly, I worry for my math. (Like I said, I've only been reading).

Maybe it's time to seriously consider iron fetters on my wandering playful mind. Lest I screw up my A levels. For once, Ty starts to worry.

Random. And I think the class tee looks quite weird, the colour especially. I like "Thank You" imprinted behind.

I'm going to try burn midnight oil again. I feel so nubbish and rubbish. I don't even feel prepared. I don't like being slaughtered because I actually put in some (though negligible) minute effort. I was so proud of my effort-result proportionality, and now I cannot be forced to eat my words. No matter how much time I have left, with much vigor I shall march forward.

Probably the "most deprovement award" for Math this time. U to A, then A to U again. Guess this is what people mean as reversible reaction huh.