And so the ultimate post

I have two things to blog about actually. But it's quite late, and again, I am sleep deprived, so pardon me if I say anything wrong.

I slept Thursday away, woke up at intervals, and stayed awake for about 2 hours each time. I even woke up at 2am on Friday morning and slept again after 2 hours. So that's it, my body clock is screwed once again. Congrats, now it's time for the recovery programme.

So yeah back to the point-Lock-in-night.

For those who have been steadfast and aggressive in their blog viewing, you should have caught my previous acerbic post pertaining to the lock-in-night. There were truths in it, but paraphrased rather crudely. I admit to be sleep-deprived and half drunk when I wrote that, I wasn't being very tactful either way. So now, here and now, Ty sums up his thoughts and feelings again, in a nicer manner but hopefully with the same gist as previously.

So now, I don't want to go into my harsh, critical mode. I shall speak fairly, and accurately from how I feel.

It was fun. Yes it was. Everyone would say it is fun. Every did have fun. However, I am not going into just the typical "oh fugues, it was superb fun it was the best l33t night in 2008" then goes *blabbing about how fun it was*. I believe satisfaction is the end of improvement. And so my apologizes if I get too critical and fussy about what the content ahead.

Mainly, how fun a lock-in-night is mainly evaluated by the games, usually station games which are being played throughout the morning. Well, I would say after further consideration, a handful of the games were creative. (if you read my previous post). Perhaps I was being rather sore because most of the games were no-brainers. I like games where you have to think, and that was probably why I saw no point in gross-factor games. Stick your hand in the glue to find matchsticks? How is that analytical in anyway. But I was reminded by my brother (who read the previous acerbic post), that people go there to have fun and not to think and it just happens my way of having fun is a more intellectual one. That was my bad.

I think my opinion was slightly biased because of the gross-factor games which turned my opinion totally nasty about the entire night. I overlooked the water station (which was honestly, quite fun), and the spinning tennis ball station. I liked the skit station (mainly because my group won that very neatly). Don't get me wrong, I am not unsporting, neither am I afraid of goo OR dog poop captain's ball. I still played them with lots of gusto and hopefully, some forced enthusiasm. However, in all that brave front, I don't think getting dirty is fun, I don't think it's memorable, I think it's just very uncomfortable. I prefer games to be more civil, more considerate, less animalistic, and more intellectual. But again, I was reminded, it was late at night (or early in the morning), people do not want to think.

I think I had high expectations to begin with. The 2 hour long plus plus plus worship got me thinking the games should be worth it. The music could have been better but since they were worship songs I don't think commenting would be a good idea. Either way, the previous lock in night (which I believe was 3 years back, the jedi one) was really fun. Thus, it made me compare. I don't think this lock-in-night could be compared with that one. Both was fun, in different manners. But using my last experience as a benchmark was a mistake.

Partially maybe (and honestly) why I was being so critical was maybe somewhere within me I always wanted to be some part of some games committee. Something in me naturally tells myself that I can do better, I can think of better games. But I realize after some soul searching that perhaps my idea of games is a very different one. From young, I was known to be an extremist, my opinions can be very alienated from the norm. I can dislike something everyone likes or like something everyone dislikes. It's very volatile and unpredictable. Thus, maybe after all I'm not suited to go anywhere near such a job. And to think even if I volunteer myself, perhaps no one would accept me for such a responsibility. At least..not in the near future. I have to remind myself I have mid year exams in 2 weeks and 3 more subjects which need a lot attention right now. (and the A levels in a few months).

There are some people whom I respect a lot in the committee. I'm not going to mention names. Perhaps that is the reason why I expected more, and that lead to quite a disappointment.

But still, I was a fun-filled morning. I enjoyed it, yes honestly.

That concludes it. Anyway, it still feels like yesterday. Feels just as if I've woken up from lock-in-night. I just came back from YF, and hide and seek is like super fun!

//end part 1

Back to reality. Sometimes I wonder why I opened myself up to people again. Remember, I have been living in purest of solitude for about a couple of months. Boy, those days were good. I don't have to think about people, I don't have to talk to people. I have all the time in the world in my hands. I progressed more in all aspects, piano, academically. I have time to do wonders. Now, I've been going out more, church, yf, jump, and it seems as if my productivity has plummeted drastically. Where has my determination go to? Did I actually tell myself I wanted to remain in solitary mode till the end of this year. Was I afraid I would become an incurable introvert? Or am I already an introvert. I find myself having reluctance in talking to people. I can still joke the usual lame crap because it's already so embedded within me, but still. With people around me, my productivity has been dropping a lot. If only I can find the determination to shut myself from the world again. Then I will achieve more, definitely. But why am I not doing so, I wonder.

There are things which I am unhappy about. I used to be very frank, but right now, I tend to keep somethings to myself. Well, introverts only have themselves as an avenue for anything. I find myself passively emo, but not particularly about anything, but still I just have a negative perspective about things. I used to be cheerful right? Was I? Have I changed. Right now, the me is calculative, angry, negative and cloudy. Why?

Clowns are the saddest people.

It seems like I'm searching for answers. It's still the same old problem, pride. I feel as though I want to create a pathway with my own hands (literally). I feel as if if I can master this, or master that, I transcend beyond the current self-inflicted status of a loser. There brings in the problem of duo-personality syndrome. How can someone be so lacking confidence and full of pride and arrogance at the same time. Oxymoron-ish nature.

Perhaps I am totally going the wrong direction. I try to find my own ways and create my own avenues of comfort. Strangely, there isn't anything particular to feel sad about. But the inherent nature of the craving of emotional drama which is so evident has probably led me on a path to revisit past wounds. Then I have to remind myself to brace up.

Still, I have to constantly remind myself of my priorities.

There's an unbridgeable gap and I don't want to fall through it.

It's just me and that historic piece of paper. I just love challenges. What's next.