Maybe

Maybe this will be an emo post. But i can't gurantee anything

Emoing myself at the swing today.

I just wonder why no one was there for me when I was feeling down and angry.

I couldn't believe I got angry at a mentally disabled today. I was so irritated. Imagine this, someone keeps going up to you and asking the same question he had asked last week. Asked in a very sluggish manner, appearing sincere and caring yet the question doesn't make any sense. It's such a question that you wouldn't ask so many times. he asked me that for almost 20 plus times and all the time I actually tolerated, till today. It was personal questions. Like about family, brothers, are they christians kinda stuff...

I sorta raised my voice and told him to shut up and stop asking me stupid questions.

He said I called him stupid. What the? I just told him not to ask me the same questions again and AGAIN. he said " oh izzit ". then he went on blabbing about stuff to respect elders. Mind you, his a 18 yr old kid (mentally retard though). respect elders? i don't really care about that 1 yr difference. but please, this guy is a mental retard here. I tried to tell myself that.

I feel so retarded. I feel so stupid, I feel so unkind, cruel, no symphathy freak or whatever you call that. I just couldn't believe I got angry with a mentally disabled guy.

But thankfully it was in the toilet. But that was the worst place to see him. Trust me, every corner of church I go, I hope I don't bump into him. He chases after me ASKING the same questions everytime. Blame me for having low EQ, i don't know how to shake people off. The only way I have to shake people off is to do it the hard way and hurting people in the process.

I have no EQ.

I was sad about other stuff and angry over other things.

Emo day for me. Emo Kid. BUt no, i Don't cut myself.

Afterall, people may seem nice. People may give u the biggest smile on a normal friday or sunday. But when it comes to sport. People revert to their primitive aggresive and kiasu behaviour. Where did that graciousness go to? The desire to win only breeds competitiveness and also selfishness. Where did the team spirit go to? Even biasness could be seen, so distinctively. Disappointed. Disappointment.

Now I really need someone to talk to. Stress is sinking in due to various issues. The end of year holidays and mission trip thing aren't really exciting me anymore. I wonder why but, I was actually throwing thantrums just now. I admit it, I just hate it when things don't turn out the way I want it to be. is that human nature? I need to learn how to accept realithy.

Now I really need someone to talk you, but you aren't picking up the phone.

Even if you can't go, I'll take it as a chance to not be distracted and do God's work. Afterall, it's a mission trip. not a holiday. it's just 7 days.

Ive always complained that life is tooo tough. Life is hard. Life is difficult. I know what I am saying is being very oblivious to my own situation. Whether life is hard or tough, it's only up to our own perception. If we expect too much, then life will be tough because living expectations is never easy (or untough). Maybe I should just lower expectations. Just take things as it comes, and maybe i'll be happier. People's really gonna kill me if I say I have a terrible life.

But still, people who wants things to always be according to their way is surely the most upset people. the most angry people. the people with the shortest fuse amongst all. and that is me. it's probably time to bite the bullet, go cold turkey and accept that the remote control of events ain't in our own hands....things happen for a reason. there is no chance or luck.

Perhaps Im not emo anymore. I don't know.The up and downs of mood. The mood swings, are just like ocsillations. The resonance caused by stress, pressure and all sorts of bad things causes these ocsillations to evolve into greater amplitudes. Mood swings, back and forth back and forth.
Really hurts. Will viscious forces ever stop these mood swings. Or will they continue to go up and down, back and forth, eternally.

Now the more I type, I seriously don't know what I am unhappy about.Perhaps im not even unhappy about anything. Only one thing, infact which was a big shock and disappointment to me. And is still (like nails) scratching the corners of my heart. Softly but gradually fading. Acceptance of reality is the right path to take, but no one said the right path would be easy. I guess.

Ive been blabbing for too long. Perhaps. It's time to go to bed. I regret staying downstairs for too long, knowning that you would call me. Yet I carried on talking to my parents. But now when I arrive upstairs. it's probably too late, you're probably asleep. I guess.

Falling asleep without you can be really difficult. I confess.