Thrown back into reality

I wonder if this is going to be an emo post. But perhaps not, bitter, but not entirely bitter.

Anyway, the past one and a half day. I have been living in another world. What world you may ask? I've been watching a drama, titled " Nodame Cantabile" live action on chrunchyroll. It seems I have chanced upon this series after having search for something to watch on one of my "study breaks" (which was supposed to span about 1-2 hours long at most). I spend yesterday's entire afternoon watching episodes 1-6. the late night finally hitting episode 10 {mind you, one episode is approx 50 minutes or more}. And I finally slept at 1:30am.

Sounds very perfect? Because the emo part is not here yet. I forgot to mention there was a math paper. Not that I forgot, but this series, Nodame Cantabile is too amazing that I cannot stop watching the next episode. Blame the directors who ends every episode with an abrupt cliffhanger which makes me go onto the next.

Anyway, the series is rather complex. I would say, highly stay away if you're not into what I am going to explain. This series, is about a very particularly outstanding handsome male student in a music academy's piano division. However his dream is to conduct at Europe alongside his ex-teacher whom he lived with in Europe when he was little. This dream could not materialise because he had developed a phobia for planes and the ocean because of various incidents that will be explored throughout the series. Alongside the male protagonist, his girlfriend (though the relationship gets really really undefined here and there), is a happy-go-lucky, playful, cheerful WEIRD girl who is his junior in the piano division. (and I found her character VERY amusing), though cute, but described as 'hentai'.

So male protagonist finds himself being a substitude conductor for his academy's substandard orchestra and is challenged to make it better than the school's main, prestigious orchestra. While being (annoyingly) supported by the female protagonist. In the later part as the story unfolds, his girlfriend goes through her own struggles with her piano as she takes part in some international competition to win the scholarship so she can follow her boyfriend to Europe.

Rather complex, I would avoid spoilers. But however, the more I write it seems that 1) no one would read what I have just written, 2) no one would bother watching. But to me, it's a great series with lots of classical music inside. A balance of different composers, there's schumman, schubert, beethoven, everyone, chopin, liszt, but a limited number of pieces from each. I guess the original creator of this series (it is adapted from a anime with the same title), has a balanced taste for all sorts of music. (unlike some shows which clearly favourited certain composers).

Anyway. Syndrome I am completed overwhelmed by right now is how to adapt back as quickly as possible to reality. Drama series, when watched in a very condensed period of time with high concentration and intensity can virtually suck you into THEIR world. You become so ATTACHED to the characters as though you're living a fantasy of living in the same world. And now I'm stuck there. The show ended, and I am feeling reluctent to come back. Guess, I'm still the little kid who cried when Barney series came to an end on television. (and yes that happened when I was little).

Ah yes, Math paper. I was feeling very guilty midnight. As I finished episode 9 at 1:30Am, I staggered down wondering what the hECK i'm doing because there's a math paper next morning and everyone knows i'm not good at math. Yes, I actually sweared I would sleep as early as 9:30 so as to gather enough rest and mind power for the paper. I also intended to revise a little vectors and integration in the afternoon which I spend deep inside lalalalaworld. But all this did not materialise. The entire night, I flipped here and there, wondering what would happen if I go to school look at the paper and not know how to do a single question. Would I regret? Perhaps. Not. I don't know. Then I start to feel guilty for not even thinking I would regret. Sometimes, my piorities are really strange, I enjoyed myself throughly yesterday, even at the wrong time, no matter how untimely it was.....If I had to redo my yesterday's afternoon. I think I would have picked the drama too. Impulse, that's what I am.

So the paper today went well. I guess. At least I could do some stuff and of course inevitably there were some questions which I don't know how to do. I think a pass should be fine. But it is so unthinkable that I could even think straight during the paper itself. I literally watched about 9 hours of drama the day before a math examination and I was supposed to be studying for it (because I haven't really done much math). Guess what.

I think. Coffee before I left house, saved me.

So today. History repeated itself. I came back, thinking I have only episode 10 and 11 to finish (a 11-episode series, fortunately). I was expecting to finish and leave the com by 3-4 noon. But guess what, I found some 4 hour continous "special-extension" episodes of the series. So things delayed, my time hogged and now I just ended by 4-5 hours spree. Finally, the series has come to an end.

And what do I see right infront of me? Physics, geog. WHAT the heck! I don't even feel like studying. My head is like swirling in pain cause of the head stress after overwatching. My back hurts too. And I just totally feel like going to sleep. (don't be surprised if I just go to bed after this).

Then, reality starts to sink in. I start to think. What am I even doing in a JC. Why am I learning chemistry, physics, maths. Right now, I like to think I'm having fun. I like learning new stuff but I don't like mindless stuff-vation of information into my brain. I like to learn things naturally, but not in a mugger-ious way. It's true I find science interesting, learning all the rather "more than average person's " knowledge about how things work, it makes you feel smarter than your friends in poly, or rather, your average working adult who probably thinks superposition is the position where superman is standing or whatever. But still. i have no drive to work hard, I do't even have the drive to do the minimal. When people are striving and slogging their brains out, I am sitting here, at moderate ease, and thinking if I should go to bed. My grades are borderline thanks to slacking around too much. I believe I am a great underachiever, achieving way too pathetically slow than what I should be getting. But yet, I was still conceited, still happy with my life.

I wonder when will the turning point come? 1 month before alevels. Too late? Thats what people told me with olevels, with psle. I also made it somehow with some miserably little pathetical effort in the end. I guess Ive grown too reliant on such last minute work that, I can't even study in normal conditions.

Then finally after much pondering, this question always pops in. What do I want to do in the future? Then I am left drowned in thousand and one question marks. Then I start wondering, will I even be able to achieve decent grades in Alevels. Yes? No? Then what if my last minute mugging efforts fail this time round? What if what the teachers say are true pertaining to last minute work in JC? Then what will I do?

Mind you, i wasn't sitting by the window watching the canal (and some people running) while thinking of all that. (talk about ambience!) It was partially all thought of while living in normal life. Walking downstairs, trying to take dinner, toileting. It was all subconscious "everyday" thought that came uninvited into my mind.
Then I sat by the piano. Then reminded by what Ive seen in the drama. Which clearly reflected lifes of full-time music students. I wondered.

What am I even playing the piano for? Why am I even getting excitied when I'm not going anywhere. Afterall, I am still the amateur of the amateur of the amateur who probably hasn't played more than one year, has almost zero experience in exams yet. And what? I'm attempting moonlight movement three? Don't joke tayyi. Seriously. Why not I just get down, and play my exam pieces to optimum standard? But wait, afterall. those pieces are just insigificant. There's just grade 6, and a primary 3 student will be able to play them with ease. And what? One of the pieces, the first movement of a Sonata Beethoven composed when he was TWELVE years old. I find myself in a conflicting struggle. Where am I? I am here, but I try to be there. I am not there, yet I want to think I'm there. Can I advance so fast. And so what even I do? What's my aims? I really have no idea.
Of course, come to think of it. My immediate aims would to do well in the exam, then proceed to grade 8. get out of this "uninteresting pieces" phrase and enter the new world of nicer pieces, more interesting, more demanding pieces.

Then here comes the emo talk. So what is actually grade 8. Even if I achieve it, and then proceed to take the diploma, and so what? Am I even going to be a teacher in the future? And even as I take diploma as I imagine I would probably only have a 'prized possession' of that few nice pieces at performance level. In the end, are those people who eat sleep by the piano there to encourage or discourage. Cause, inevitably, I am feeling totally crushed and discouraged. There's a limit a hobbyist can go. Like me, futhurmore, I don't even qualify as an amateur hobbyist. I can't even play Fantasie impromtu or any masterpieces at anywhere near decent level. (and probably such pieces to these full time musicians, are no-kick pieces)For now, I have to live and be merry with patience and it's pain, while I bear with all that insiginificant, "not that grand and interesting " pieces.

I think the crux of the problem lies in being too harsh and hard on myself. I don't like having dreams because by having dreams, one has to cope with the pain of not being able to realise a dream. Thats why I avoid having dreams. But as I watch Nodame Cantabile, I realise that is the lifestyle I want to live, that's the sort of life I want to live. Being forced to study music, play pieces, perform. That is what I think I want. But still, impulse is very evident in me. Just like how few years back I dreamt of being a pro-badminton player (which was so impossible). I have to keep in mind, what I want , will change. Change is constant. That is why everything changes, love, passion, interest. I don't even trust myself to the extent whereby I can follow the route I want because I know somehow things will work out different.

As I feel thrown back into reality. What can I do? As I think, as I dream of living in the world of Nodame cantabile. Studying music, learning, playing in an orchestra. If I had the skills, I might. But no, I am no where near. Not even worthy of dreaming. And so I am in school. Who am I? I'm a science student who isn't good at science. A science student who wants to do arts. Someone who choose science because he wants to understand how stuff work at surface level. Someone who thinks science has a future yet ironically unsure of the future. I feel so blur all of the sudden. How would things be different, if I was born in another country, in another culture. Where education, is not as emphasized, not as a draconian.

Perhaps all I am saying is because there's an exam tommorow and I'm not happy with it. There are times when I seriously start thinking of dropping out of JC and just leave my life trying to find what I want to do. But is there any space to entertain such foolish thoughts in Singapore. I bet it will make a good joke to my parents. For now, it's just learning what we don't want so we get to see and choose what we want, (hopefully, nicer, more exciting stuff). Just like piano, bear with all the pieces which aren't that nice, inorder to play something nicer in the future.I think after analysing the crux of the problem. The real problem, which has always been overlooked is the lack of patience. I always like to skip steps, I am lazy. Horribly lazy.

And then as education comes into my mind, followed by alevels and then NS. next year, I will be enrolling into NS (provided I don't get kicked back into J1 by this common test). NS is not nucleophilic substitution but in a way a robber of time.

Seriously. is there a way out of this frigging system. I was so emo yesterday that I thought of migrating. This ain't the life I want.

I wish I find what I want to do in the future soon. Because I am just another person being very unsatisfied with life in general. I find myself unable to even do the things I like because I know the limitations I have to face due to the limitations of time, resources, and perhaps even talent. And of course, even unhappier with having forced to do things I don't like to do. I find myself unable to fall in love again (i don't want to diverge into another realm of emoness). I find myself totally stale. Life is uninteresting.

And that is when you know, I have been watching too much drama.

And for goodness sake, how did I type so much rubbish. Sigh