Last night

Suddenly as 'common test' come to an end, I find myself once again, lost in emptiness. Not like I have been studying but the last few nights were spent worrying about how to cram everything in my head in the next like few hours. I wake up usually not feeling very happy, first thoughts surge in, " die! today blah blah blah paper ". And then I reluctently get up, after defeating the contemplation of faking sick. Ah well. finally, I don't have to worry about dealing with exams unprepared anymore. I have a new problem. Emptiness.

I find it hard to let go of this current "nodame cantabile" addiction I'm going through. Few days ago, I finished the drama in two days (11 episodes + 4 hours of special), and then, today upon finishing examinations, I started watching the anime series. (which is 23 episodes long), and I covered the almost series. Well, it shocks me how identical both interpretations were, even certain scenes. I'm starting to remember the lines, and the phrases used at exact situation, in japanese and in subtitles. MAN! I'm going insane. mkyuaaa!

Been pretty lifeless today. Wonder if I will regain much of my sanity. My social life, again is terrible. It shocks me that I find it totally meaningless to interact. I don't go out anymore. My brother was asking me to order shirts over the net. And the first ever thing that I thought of was " don't go out buy shirt for what ". I feel as though I am going to sit home my entire life! And that one thought still amuses me right now as I think of it. Friends, the number of people whom I can comfortably get along with is not more than one hand right now. I've lost many friends, accquantainces in that one particular incident/phrase last year.

But I have came to a conclusion it's not about friends or having a clique to support you when you're down, it's about the void in my life now. Absolute meaninglessness accompanied by the 'wandering sensation' of not knowing where you're going. They can get increasingly addictive. You wake up, you sigh, you think, you emo, you contemplate things, think deeper. Then deep becomes not deep enough, you grab a spade and dig deeper and deeper. Then you sigh again thinking how much longer are you going to live in such a miserable life. Then you sigh. But unknowingly, there is this dark pleasure. Of secretly enjoying living a miserable life. The pessimistic people afterall, paradoxically probably gain pleasure from being pessimistic about life. Sadistic, but towards oneself. It's so strange. You can laugh at yourself, pity yourself, but in the end, derive pleasure from doing so.

I find myself so hard to please. During examination periods, I complain, whine, and sulk because I don't want to study. And once examinations cease, I complain because I have nothing to keep me from emo-ing.

Realised I haven't been interacting for a very long period of time. Haven't really talked to people. I remember those days when I was always on the phone. How was it then? To have someone to share your everyday life with, to talk about deeper issues in life, to crap, to just be there for each other. I find myself asking this question very frequently. Then I ask myself, is it better now like this? I become more reserved, conservative, learning to keep things to myself. Allowing myself to be a habitat to my ideas, concepts, thoughts and hopefully they will "grow" if I don't let them out.

There are times when I really hate this solitude. It's not the solitude and loneliness of being single. but the loneliness of being an introvert. but YET, there are times when I really enjoy this solitude. The feeling of being "alone", the feeling of intimacy with oneself. When you're alone, you get to talk to yourself alot, you get to ask yourself questions, and then answer them. You're constantly interviewing yourself and through that, you learn alot of things, and realise alot things.

It's rather late. I'm sleepy. And today chem paper was quite terrible for me. Blunders, blanks. And stuff along those negative lines. Pretty sloppy job on the paper because my correction tape died on me. It was the last paper, so the perseverence was there. My eyelids twitching, I'm feeling tired right now

Tommorow's a holiday. Wee! But it's not going to be long since school will ressume and then life will not be blissful anymore.

I used to believe people dream the future but will not be able to remember it. That is why certain scenes in your life can abruptly seem mystically familair.But why does one remember so vividly when he sees the past in his dream. And then wakes up in reality. Then the disparity strikes.