it's late. my mind is fresh. not willing to go to rest. one thing i must do-i know my blog has really small fonts, takes very long to load and i hope im going to find some solution to that tommorow.
my life currently is rather anti-social, all form of interactions are virtual and i hardly get any interaction with people. from phone calls to msn messages, all my forms of commiunications are not words but data. mere data. i may be extremely interactive in phone chats, or super vibrant in msn conversations, but one day, i might lose the skill of talking to people face to face. i need to do something about it. im looking forward to friday when i can talk to real people...
today another havoc day. i went crazy for 2 hours. deception, deception, ahhhh satisfaction! smashing is really an orgasmic experience. thinking back, i felt like i went to mars and im now back. one phrase, " mind-blowing". blisters really hurt alot, my ankles are sore, but once i go berserk, i feel no pain! and today ive been losing more than winning...i wonder why. im improving though! i can feel it, and that is the biggest encouragement ever! when im into it, nothing can stop me, im in a virtual world. the actual reality and even the memories, are the best i can ever have. i know im not making much sense.
to people who actually read my blog, welcome to the world of me! i know mani actually just visit and scroll the page to the bottom and leave. who would actually understand mie? do i even understand myself? i think im maturing quite fast nowadays, my thinkings and logics have changed drastically nowadays. sometimes, i find my old mentalities and attitude rather stupid. but everyone makes mistakes, and looking back, it's good to feel like you have levelup-ed. mistakes are good, they make you stronger, make you smarter (not only smarties). im a really mistake person, i make soo many mistaks, and soo im very strong now. i won't make so many mistakes. anymore..
just some random stuff anyway.
im afraid actually. afraid of falling in love, afraid of pursuing love. nowadays, i feel like my bravery is really nonexistant. im a coward now. (at least i think so). my guts, my confidence, are all temporarily unavalible, and im not sure why? in the past, i used to be very rash and do things without thinking. now ive become more careful, I think stuff over and over hoping I don't make wrong decisions. where have the old me disappear to?
this can be strongly seen in how i play dota. in the past, im the reckless one, anyhow chiong and die. and now, im so humji that i don't even dare to go for my kill. sometimes, life is like that. balance is very important. one cannot afford to be rash, and reckless, but cannot afford to be too conversative. one must balance killing and farming, and doing the right things at the right timing. timing, timing, timing, skill skill skill, luck luck luck. dota is really a game of life. in life, everyone is a hero, and no heros suck. if you know how to play your hero, you can really own in life and pwn others. though life may not be totally balanced, but i believe in this logic to some extent. i find it rather true......, again, im not making much sense.
the dota commiunity is really rotten. ive only met a handful of nice people from dota and it happens that most of them are my friends actually, the truth is, people don't give a damn about people who can't do anything to them. they leave, so what? what can you do? today i was really really angry at some guy who accused me of using custom kick when he was the one who dc-ed himself. and he was calling me noob over chat. i got really frustrated. I really need some anger management. i HAD to go take water to cool myself down. now imagine if the guy is beside me, i would really give him a punch in the nose. (and yeah i mean it..). i can conclude that singaporean males are generally very badly brought up, many scold vulgarities like nobody's business (yeah it's the online world, but please be civilized..)..all of them full of ego and bad habits....i sigh for singapore's future.
Im really writing really random crap, and i hope i have not offended anyone or anything....
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