Pungent

Two buckets filled with paint are lying at my balcony now. the sliding doors are wide open and the air is free to flow. Diffusion! Damn that diffusion which cause my nose (and head) to be in such chaotic agony! The pungent paint is killing me from the inside out. I can't even bear the thought of eating my lunch in my room. Can you imagine me clenching my fist and gritting my teeth in agony just to sit here and type this post! I slept in again. Did those twelve hour sleep, feel so refreshed. If not for the paint, I would have had a bonus two hour sleep. And I would wake up at three. As I was wiggling in bed I just happened to considered all that unhealthy paint molecules infiltrating my lungs.

I don't want next week to come. Thinking about it is such a stupid move because it fills me with such uncertainty. Ever since day one, all national exams somehow favored me. They gave me grades and marks always higher than what I expect. Psle, O'levels. I never studied much for them but I got quite decent results. O'levels especially was quite a joke. But now it's elder brother is here for revenge. Aww. Please don't expect much people. I have half a mind to repeat actually. Like I said. Not many things survive relativity, let alone results! Will I survive? Or will my last minute attempt fail me. I could have done better, I could have actually studied consistently but I choose to squeeze two years of work (everything) after prelims (where I crashed and burned) into the one or two months before A'levels. And then, the next week after that is where I say sayonara halcyon days. Not good, so not good.

Suddenly ambivalence strikes me. There are things which I look forward to. I have a hard time imagining myself without my hair (which is quite long now), and suddenly I am starting to imagine life inside the Army. Though I know it will not be a bed of roses, and things will be tough but I just thought I'd like life without the freedom of choice for awhile. But still, some part of me, still dreads it. Maybe this is the legendary "rationalization of fears".