I don't know why. Im in a state of emotional malaise today. Too lazy to post the reasons. But Ive been really sad/emo/disturbed since last night till now, I don't know why. My heart is like a desert, and occasionally, a sand storm will brew in it. It's so on and off. I'm like a guy suffering from moodswings. That sucks, totally. I hate it, I hate feeling okay one moment and not okay another, just so random. Is this what people call depression? I bury my sorrow under a false mask of happiness,I give all my best, just to smile.

Wavering, wavering. Everything is wavering. Everything is unstable.

I find myself periodically feeling depressed. Sunday, Monday are days when I get real bad, and then things get better on tues,wed,thurs then Friday-saturday there's this building up effect. I suffer from this weekly periodic depression. Does the days have anything to do with anything? I don't know, perhaps it's related to the events on these days. Sunday is a day whereby I am home the entire day after church, and there is a great tendency to be woolgathering. And woolgathering, certainly leads to destructive thoughts.

I should stop provoking myself. I should stop testing my limits. But once in awhile, is there happiness in indulging in sadness? Why is it sometimes when things feel so fine, I always get this urge to make myself sad. There's this urge, there's this impulse to scratch that wound and let sorrow overwhelm me.

I don't know. I am starting to think very abstractly and perhaps I will even need higher level introspection to find my answers.

I would like to believe in "what doesn't kill me make me stronger". But it is more likely that "what doesn't kill me now might kill me in it's next shot/wave/pulse/relapse".

Ive lost all mood to do anything today. But I have been distracting myself. I have tried my best in distracting myself.

It's just today, I don't know why. Just today. What is so significant about today? I can't figure out. Ive been fine, Ive been really doing well, not thinking too much about the past, Ive been enjoying my life, until today. today, today. What happened? All of the sudden? It's like a blast from the past, unexpectedly, taken me hostage, just for one day and hopefully only one day (which will end pretty soon). I am taken aback, but the abrupt vice of depression that grips me, so suddenly and in such an 'out of the blue' fashion.

Ive been so weak today, emoness has reached it's state of repletion (at least in respect to daily life). Weak, weaker, weakest. There are times when people are weak, that is undeniable but what leads to this question is what are the factors to leading to why people get weak all of a sudden.

I am totally amused, totally stunned but this whole episode today. It is the abruptness that caught me off guard. What is behind all the mechanism of my body and my mind that caused a "time-replay" just today. The main point here, is I don't understand the timing, how the timing is decided, and why all of the sudden (when im doing fine all the while). What determines, what defines and what leads to being weak of a sudden. What? Is it our own thoughts? I can't figure out. And the reason behind my desperate curiousity is because I don't want such abrupt distruptions, totally uncalled for, appearing here and there. Like apparitions, freaky apparitions, I want to know it's cause and put an end to it. But yet, I don't think I will be able to find a cause for this "sudden weakness".

Maybe the solution lies with not thinking too much. Distraction is certainly a key solution and perhaps I have not explored it's potential. I have to either get better at distracting myself or get better at talking to myself. I have to snipe all that woolgathering from my life if I want to get better.

To digress. Project work finally came to an end today on a high note, OP presentation. I think our group fared pretty decently as compared to the other group that went after us which our group members classed as "cmi". It's not good to judge, but sometimes inequalities are too evident and noticable. But still, project work is just project work. School is only a small portion of our lives, one aspect and project work is just one of that many small aspects of School. A percentage of a percentage will yield a small percentage. And even within that small percentage (PW), we get another small percentage (OP), do the math, and you'll realise OP has been given alot more attention then it's worth. But still, I disagree with the concept of project work. (and I will elaborate futhur on another day, this post is getting dramatically lengthy).

At least tommorow will (hopefully) be a day of distraction. I have piano in the morning, then badminton in the afternoon and thai class in the evening. Totally packed, I love being busy. I hate days where I sit at home idle the entire day.

To be realistic, this post has served it's purpose. I snapped out of all that emoness after blogging (and feeling refresh). What kind of therapy is this? Bloggrapy.(lol!). And it certainly works, for me.