Yesterday I took a run down memory street. It was pitch dark and there was no one around as I ran pass PJC campus. I wondered then, how would it feel like if I was still a JC student. Being carefree and happy was what it seemed like. Was I like that then? School was so slack. I barely did homework, and I barely attended tutorials and I always ponned PE lessons. For what? Just to go practice piano in the hall, Or sleep at my favourite loner spot. Suddenly, the school field which I dread seeing every morning now makes me wonder, how nice would it be if I can go back to JC life.
Well. School people out there, you're lives are still your lives. What I mean is very simple. You go to school and when the school bell rings and you get yourselves out of the gate your life resumes. You get to keep your hair, you get to be defiant at teachers once in awhile and the worst you get is detention. The hardest thing you guys all have to do is homework, and maybe examinations. How good is life then. I wished I'd appreciated all that.
The bottom line is, your life is still your life. You are still you. But for me, I am not the me I know anymore. Even the me during weekends is suddenly found directionless. As I look into past holiday photos, I miss my previous unkempt long hair. I miss waving my fringe around, I miss styling my hair before I go out. I miss, I miss everything. YF, yes especially. It's been a long time since I went. Every time I get off in lieu on Fridays, it is wondrous coincidence how come they always don't have YF on those weeks.
Occasionally before my enlistment I would take a run behind my house at night. Yesterday as I ran by the canal, a tingling sensation oscillated my spine while a warm sensation burned my chest. How much I missed my very own life back.Am I going to whine about how much I want myself back every now and then. It is evidently there, the longing to become myself again. But at least it ain't that bad.
Granted, I never had so much fun in my life before. I suppose BMT is actually fun and a memorable experience. I'd never thought I could experience such pain, nor joy. But are the weekends they give you just to rot around enjoying your freedom? I find it senseless to do anything which involved time or commitment. I can't learn driving, I can't pick up something new. I just get to sit around doing nothing on weekends? Face it Tay Yi, you're life is now army. There's no driving nor music nor any other thing to look to. Just be happy that POP is coming.
About two years later, I am going to find myself back. I am going to buy my grand piano and practice all the pieces I want to play/master without any deadly sense of hesitation. I want to become who I was and who I've always wanted to be. Then, I'll grow back my old hair and enjoy university life. If only I could hold then, gain as much as I can from these two years. Perhaps time will fly.
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