If only

Yesterday night it rained. I sat by the computer and listened through many emo chinese songs and watched music videos. The stormy rains outside kind of created a perfect ambiance for being emo. Then I sat alone at one corner of my room and ate ice cream. It never tasted so bittersweet before. Once in awhile, this feels so nice. Feels so peaceful as I cuddle into my freezing cold blanket under the billowing aircon. Peaceful sleep.

When life gets meaningless, the only thing I can do is to appreciate smaller things in life. For example, eating ice cream under the aircon amidst a storm in the middle of the night. Like right now i'm looking forward to eat instant noodles with lots of chilli early in the morning. Okay, maybe let me think of another example besides food. Just being able to lie down and do nothing. (though my mind ain't really at peace but still). And waking up to see my hair grow a little longer more.

I've changed. Nowadays I take things very hard. My emotions are not mine anymore. I cannot really control how I feel, how I act or whatsoever. I am a prisoner of my emotions and that stinks. If I feel sad, everything I do including how I look at people will totally reveal it all. If I'm stressed out I start doing weird things like drinking water every few minutes. I've never been so emotional in my life. If only I can think less. If only I can feel less. Life would be much better.

I miss BMT. I miss those never ending road marches. I miss doing everything with my rifle. I actually miss outfield (though I suffered a lot at field camp). I miss PT everyday. I miss the whole place. Waiting for the ferry and booking out. I miss booking out, and booking in. I miss everything. I wouldn't mind being a recruit my entire life.