flummoxed

Ambivalence is ever thriving in me right now, generating a huge deal of flummoxed thoughts in my head. I don't know where I'm heading to. A huge deal of uncertainty strikes me. Suddenly as I start to embrace and play with the thought that my time in tekong is going to end very soon, I am abruptly awaken by the fact that-that itself is not the end of something, but rather the beginning. Not to mention, I am uncertain of where I want to go, let alone where I will end up at.

Secondly. I don't know why but there is a certain level of fatigue that is constantly within me this weekend. Perpetual fatigue. That sucks. Sleeping will not banish this sad condition and it seems like I am vulnerable to falling asleep after sleeping for about 9 hours every night, but yet, I still do not feel refreshed during the day. It feels as if thousand of years of sleep debt is piling upon me. I don't find any vibe nor energy to perform simple tasks, let alone do big things like embark on a new piano piece or something. I just want to lay here and do nothing. But that itself, is so unsatisfying.

Oh well. I am composing my second hymn variation. And I hope to get it done by tonight or tomorrow. Believe me, it's something to look forward to. even for myself. I can't really get any motivation to start anything new because firstly I don't have the time to upkeep any more pieces. My weekends are spent practicing what I already know. They are all so drilled into my muscle memory that it takes a huge amount of time to forget it completely, but still deterioration is still evident.

I'm okay, I'm okay.